Shawn Williams RP #1 (Match with Obo)

[xshawnxwilliamsx]

Shawn Williams stands out in the breathless cold air outside of the arena on the outskirts of Philly waiting for Obo to make his way near him.

As I stand here freezing my ass off, waiting for this "Obo" guy I'll give you my thoughts on him. Yeah..he's cool huh? What a life he carries...addicted to drugs....thinks "wrestling" is Light Tubes and Barbed Wire...woah....so insane huh? Whatever...He wastes his life away by having sex with prostitutes on the corner, I bet that's even how he met his current Girlfriend. Ok enough joking around...I came here to make a point...I'm actually pretty pumped up to be going into this match to face Obo. I'm pretty confident that I will show him the true meaning of life...whether I have to do that by speaking to him or physically beating him from one end of the ring to the next. Either way I'm sure I will get my point acro---

Excuse me...sir..?...sir? - Some Fan

What the hell do you want? I'm standing here cutting a promo and expressing my inner feelings on this jackass by the name of "Obo" and you come over and interrupt it..great I lost my train in thought. What do you want? I'm not here to sign autographs kid...return to your home and continue masturbating to your photos of Fall Out Boy and getting blazed with your Uncle Todd...while I stand here and finish my shoot ok? Got it?

You suck, Obo will destroy you - Some Fan

You know what kid? I don't got time to deal with trailer trash like you...so before I pop you in the face...do you mind just getting your preppy ass out of here?

Kid steps up into his face

Yeah..you’re so badass punk, your little Abercrombie shirt, your DC Shoes, your Mo-Hawk. You’re a goddamn wannabe, Mo-Hawk and Abercrombie Shirt? You’re a total tard.

Shoves the kid on the concrete

Now listen to me you little crap, you never come up and get into my face ever again...cause if you do..you won't be making it to your 8th Birthday party little boy

Fan lowblows Williams

Hahaaahhaa--- - Some Fan

Williams jumps up and nails the fan with a Shining Enzigiri right to his head

Williams slowly gets up on one knee catching his breathe

Ok...Ok....One second....I don't care what anyone says...I'm leaving Philly after I beat Obo's ass...glorious...victorious...and flat out a winner....cause I'm BETTER THAN YOU.

Camera pans out of the view slowly as he gives his Straight Edge pose

[Revvie®]

First of all Description is your friend hehe...add on, elaborate, go into more detail. Your speech wasnt to bad though I never imagined a straight edge person making cracks about masterbation and such...maybe thats just me though, hell i dont watch wrestling anymore so I could be wrong.

Now at the beginning you started out ok, everything went kind of haywire seemed to me at the middle and end with the fan. Ussually I would I never suggest beating some one up in a roleplay, i think we all have made this mistake myself included. Later when you look back on it you will understand when i say its tacky and cliche as a in ring promo is most of the time.

Again though, if your straight-edge and all that, wouldnt you have time for a fan. I dont know for sure thats just my thoughts on it. Anyways expand on your description giving more detail and speech also needs a bit of work, but that will come with getting use to your character and such..so im not downing on it.

Well Good luck in your match and welcome to WFWF!

Revvie

[Calvin]

NEVER EVER EVER BEAT UP A FAN! It makes you look really bad in a rp. Cowardly like...if that makes sense. It's a waste of time. Try to avoid doing that again, trust me...using words is so much better.

You need to create more of a setting. It's cold outside, what's making it cold? is it windy, snowing, rain, etc? What's it sound like? whats it smell like? what's is look like? answer this ALL when creating a setting.

Speech is pretty good, I like the opening paragraph, but I don't like the encounter of the fan. I think when the fan came, you stopped talking about Obo, and well...taht's what a rp is about....to maulk and ruin your opponent. Not a fan. Or atleast thats my intake on it.

[CBT]

I gotta second Lee's comments. The description kinda seemed like ways to space your conversation out. Your speech was good, but at times lacked, especially when doing a back and forth conversation, just didn't carry over well.
Beating up a fan, from experience, does absolutely nothing. Lee said it perfectly, your is bond.. so what if you beat up a fan, if you cut promos like something off a after school special, you won't last long. No potential to be gained in attacking fans.

But yea, this did a good job of attacking Obo's social creed for your own, but not really enough elements to come off well.. Anybody can step outside, swipe someone, and say something.
Hope my words don't come accross as disparaging. Good luck

[Kurt Burton: Script Doctor!]

greyshadow04dna said:

First of all Description is your friend hehe...add on, elaborate, go into more detail. Your speech wasnt to bad though I never imagined a straight edge person making cracks about masterbation and such...maybe thats just me though, hell i dont watch wrestling anymore so I could be wrong.

Now at the beginning you started out ok, everything went kind of haywire seemed to me at the middle and end with the fan. Ussually I would I never suggest beating some one up in a roleplay, i think we all have made this mistake myself included. Later when you look back on it you will understand when i say its tacky and cliche as a in ring promo is most of the time.

Again though, if your straight-edge and all that, wouldnt you have time for a fan. I dont know for sure thats just my thoughts on it. Anyways expand on your description giving more detail and speech also needs a bit of work, but that will come with getting use to your character and such..so im not downing on it.

Well Good luck in your match and welcome to WFWF!

Revvie

Rev... what exactly do you think straight edge means? I have met a couple foul mouthed arrogant kids who flag straight edge, and that's what he came off as. I definetely agree about the assault. It shouldn't be done, except under extreme circumstances. I have done it too, so it don't matter, no biggie, just avoid it in the future.

More description could have made this RP better. I loved your rip on Obo about the hookers and drugs. Great stuff dude.