Odium Roleplay #1-The Crisp Cool Slopes

[hulksterdaman]

The sun beamed on the white powder,the camera rolling up the mountain reaveling Skiers and Snow boarders wrapped up in warm clothes, carving through the powder, sending snow flying up beside them. The camera rolled around to a metal wire high above the mountain. The sun glistening off it creating almost a blinding shine. The camera followed the metal wire until reaching a single dull silver metal chair, the sun resting on it's side, not making any sort of reflection, weighing down the wire, rocking back and fourth gently. Brady Cool with his right foot dangling freely, the left strapped to a electric blue snow board, sat on the chair. Ski googled resting on top of his Black and Blue touque, his right arm resting across his black sweatshirt, and his left arm laying on his black ski pants.

"What a beautiful day to be on the slopes. The crisp cool air, the wonderful powder, and the rush of speeding down the hill"

The words flowed out of Brady's mouth over the screaming and conversations of skiers below, as the chair started up the mountain as Brady ajusted his position.

"Up we go the excitement building, you know this chair almost reminds me, of me!"

His eyes not yet reached the camera, as they we're glued down on the Men and Woman speeding through the main hill.

"I mean, think about it for a second, imagine me being this chair. Always going straight to the top, always being crisp cool, always in control of the people trying to latch on to me to get to the top, and if they do get there with me I leave them no where to go, but down."

His eyes reached the camera, only to look away again.

"See thats what is going to make me so successful, always being in control, always knowing were my opponents are going, and always knowing that I can change were they are going. You know why I can do all these things, cause I am the Stylin' Profylin' Chrasmatic Commander Of The Cool! Brady Cool and I am raising the bar in WFWF.

He looked back at the camera and smiled lifting the safety bar up his eyes shifted to the hill and the long way the still had to travel.

"So Chris Sanchez when you face me at Odium, just think of this ski hill and remember I'm always in control and I'm always crisp Cool."

He leaned over, rocking the chair again. He swung his electric blue board over, and placed his right foot in the the strap, and tightened the strap. He came back up in a regular sitting position, rocking the chair again. He reached above his head and slid his googles over his eyes.

"So Sanchez, I guess I will see you at Odium. Oh, and remember one more thing. If things don't go my way in a match, just remember I'm always ready to take a detour"

He smiled and slid of the chair, landing on the snow about 15 feet below with the weight shifted to his right foot he starighted up and crouched, and began increasing speed down the hill. The camera followed him as it slowly faded out.

First roleplay for me, don't think it lives up to the WFWF name though

[Yukio Blaze]

This was okay for your first rp, but you need to add more dialogue and a little more description, Also you might not want to talk about the camera in your rp's. Some people will tell you that.

I like that you already have a nick name, catch phrase, and the setting was cool

But other than that, welcome to the WFWF and good luck.

[CBT]

First things first. Am I the only one whose inspired to say.
(Brady)Cool got Dirty(Sanchez)?

As for this rp, for a 1st it was decently put together. Its nice you got your own character developement together. But don't get cozy on it, catchphrases can be redundant in a e-fed.
Your speech was good, like a over confident heel, but unique.. even if its a blatant rip-off of Captain Charisma and Carlito Cool. Its very hard to draw blood on a unique concept.

But I liked the rp, only sugggestion is go more in depth on description, just because we're reading this does not mean we can't feel ya. So don't be afraid to analyze your rp. Nothing is to much detail. Good luck.

[Deleted]

My first main problem with this RP is that the description is in the past tense but the speech is in the present, sorry that just bugged me lol. Try and add more to your description as well. I see that you have tried to describe things in a bit of detail "single, dull, silver, metal chair" this merely describes the object though. Try not to use a shopping list of adjectives when describing the scene use things like metaphors to add more of a flow to it. The mentioning of the camera some people feel ruins the RP i don't care to be honest just don't mention it so often as it gets repetitive. In this short RP you said camera 6 times. Good luck in your match man.

[Calvin]

for sure, stay in the same tense while rping. It confuses people to read in the past one second, then present the next. Think of a book when you write a rp, that always helps me....books are all in one tense. Also, add more depth and expand your description. Try to add detail to it, but not to much detail, don't go over board and tell us stuff that we dont' need to know about the setting. With time, I think you'll know what I mean.


speech was good, it's always good to start out with gimmick stuff like nick names and catch phrases. They also can get repeative too after a while, unless used right.

For a debut rp, this was pretty good, but there is lots of room for expansion. Good luck in your run in the wfwf.

[Revvie®]

This was pretty good for a debut rp and I think your description at the beginning was descent though as the rp went on it seemed to dwindle though I do see that lot I'm not a huge fan of that sort of thing. Setting the scene is great but you should keep it up to some extent during the rp....the speech was "cool" lol nah but it wasnt bad and I think its a great start so I would say to you to go a bit more in dept on descriptin....Alex would be a good rper to read a few rps of to see what I'm saying that I would also tell you to say a bit more about your opponents and such...anyways this was a good rper for a debut and I look forward to seeing more from you...good job and good luck in your match.

Reverend

[ZMaster]

Not bad for your 1st attempt at rping. I would suggest try keeping the rp in the same tense. I would suggest checking other RPs here and getting an idea as to what kind of competition to expect. Good luck come Odium.