FDS RP - Heated brothers

[Chris182]

Here is his biggest chance the Christian has of all his career. Ya, he lost in his first FDS, but he did not cry about it. I think he under stands now. Winning is not everything. Its just how you play the game that matters. He knows he did not suck. He knows that he did his best and the odds where not on him that night. But, he can make that loss up. Although it is not going to be easy. This week in FDS, Christian will be taking on the International Champion, Wayne McGurk. It is not going to be just a walk in the park. I mean, McGurk is the champion! Christian has his work cut out for him.

Luck: Some people believe in it, some people don't. It depends on what luck means to You. It is when you feel like you can't do something, and it happens. You did it. It feels great. People might say " Oh It's Just Luck" or "Beginners Luck". Don't listen to those people. Luck, it does not exist. Luck can't make you accomplish something, only you can.


The rain could not be harder this day. The clouds are dark and the rain is cold. All you could hear is the sound of rain, splashing on the ground, cars, and trees. You could also hear the mighty roar of the Lightning roaring as loud as it can. Everyone was stuck in there homes, with nothing to do. Who knows when the electricity might come off, or if it even will. Me and Christian are inside and board wanting something to do.


Christian: What should we do?


Kevin: Nothing, don't you hear it out there?

Christian: Are you in a bad mood?


Kevin: No!


Christian: Well it seems like it. Whats wrong?


Kevin: Nothing! Its is just dumb to ask "What can we do" when it is pouring outside!


Christian: Yo man, I'm just board, Whats your problem!

Kevin: You!

Christian: What are you mad cause I am board? Because you are always out here with me!?

Kevin: Yes! I need time to myself sometimes!

Christian: Hey I don't ask you to come!

Kevin: I just come cause you are crazy!

Christian: ......

Kevin: Yo man I did not mean that. I was just mad.

Christian: Sure, now I know.

Christian gets up. Slowly walks to the door and leaves.

Kevin: Christian! It's raining hard!

By that time, Christian had already left.

Kevin's mind
Damn! What was I thinking saying that to him! I know I did not mean that, but, AHHHHHH! He just need to cool down. Yea thats it. He needs to be by himself for a while. But, what could he be doing. AHHHHH! Why didn't I ever listen to him. He was right! All the dreams, they where true. I hope by the time he gets back, he has cooled down. Its just stress. No! It was me! I was in a good mood until I had to mess it up! AHHHHH! Knowing Christian, who knows where he could be. I'm so dumb! I wonder if he is ok. I wonder what he is doing. Ah! I'm so dumb. I know he is not crazy, or i he? No, no, no he is not. The dreams are only happening cause of the stress. Ahhhhh! What if he loses his match cause of he. Maybe he would not even show up! I got to find him. No, wait till he cools down. I hope he is OK.

5 minutes pass...

Ahhhhhh! Where is he. No stop worrying it has only been 15 minutes. I'm going to call.

Kevin picks up his phone and dials Christian's cell phone number.

Ring....Ring....Ring.....

Christian picks up.

In a calm voice, he says...

Christian: What do you want?

Kevin: Hey! Where are you?, come back. I'm sorry.

Christian: I'm just driving around. No, I wont come back. You pissed me off!

Kevin: I know I did not mean that. I was just angry.

Christian: Sure...

Christian hangs up the phone.

Kevin: Ahhhhhhh!

Kevin's Mind
Ahhhhhh! I should have not said that! What was I thinking. I should buy him something. Yea, I will buy him new wrestling gear, no I will give him money, no I will buy him a whole wrestling ring! Yea thats it. No, I can't bribe him. Ah! What do I do?!

Kevin sees Christians Sweat shirt with what looks like a note sticking out of the pocket. He walk up to it. He sees that it is a note and opens it.

He starts to read it.

Kevin's Mind as reading the Note.
Christian Rodriguez

I have come long way since joining WFWF. I'm sure I have impressed people too. My first match. Ah, It seems like yesterday. Battle Royal. It was a great night for me. Yes I can admit, I was nervous. But, it all left inside that ring. It is a felling of relief. For me, I am the most comfortable in the ring. I can Entertain, give pain, and impress people at the same time in the ring. I love being here, and I am going to stay in the WFWF as long as I can. I just love to wrestle. Its always been a dream of mine. I remember, wrestling with my friends on a messed up mattress in the back yard and a hot summer day. Those memories will never leave me. I remember once, me and my brother wrestled. We each picked out our finishing move. I chose a leg drop, and I chose my created one. Thats the day when I created my finisher currently. Who's Cool Now. After we wrestled, we promised each other we would become tag team in pro wrestling one day. I kept my promise, but he didn't. I could not blame him. He found love, and i guess he didn't have time to train. He got married a few months before I went to WFWF. But he also made another promise. He said he would stay with me, help me out on the road as a wrestler and come to all of my shows. He has not broken that yet. But it is only until his baby is born. I bet he can't wait. I can't wait myself. I am going to be an uncle! On to wrestling. Last week, I made my world debut in Felo De Se. People got to see me preform for them. I can't even explain how excited I was. Even though I lost, I gave it all. I Left it in that ring. And I think I have proved myself. But, this week, I will be representing the House Show when I go against the International Champion, Wayne McGurk. I know I have to step up. I am excited though. A chance to try to prove myself against a champion. If I win this, what could the people think of me? I know I will defiantly leave a name for myself if I do. If I lose, at least I will lose with pride. Not that losing is a good thing. I know I will try my hardest when It is time to go one on one with McGurk. I will leave my sweat, blood and not tears, Men don't cry. In that ring. I'm sure that I will impress some head in the back. But I don't care about them. I really want to impress my brother this week. He has stayed with me all this time. He probably thinks I am crazy. I don't know whats wrong with me lately. Its just stress I guess. So when Its time to rumble. I will be fighting for Kevin.

Kevin stops reading the note. He puts it back in the pocket and slowly walks to the bed and sits down.

Kevin's Mind
What have I done. I just said he was crazy. I'm such an idiot! He loves me to death and I cal him crazy! I'm the one thats crazy. I can't believe he remembers that promise. I did say that. And I did not keep that promise. He did. I'm the crazy one. Its to late now, I''m having a baby. Wait what if it is not to late. After the baby is born I could train! I will become a wrestler! I got to call Christian!

Kevin gets his phone and dials Christian's Cell Phone number.

Ring...Ring....

Christian: I'm hear so don't worry, I am about to open the door.

Kevin: Lo...

Before Kevin gets a word out, Christan hangs up the phone and comes rushing through the door.

Kevin: Hey, Chris, how was your drive?

Christian: Fine.

Kevin: Look I'm sorry I did not mean it.

Christian: Right...

Kevin: Fo real! I was just mad.

Christian: Why?

Kevin: Huh?

Christian: Why where you mad?

Kevin: Just on the road a lot, you know how it gets.

Christian: Ya...

Kevin: But for real. You forgive me?

Christian: Yea...Sure.

Kevin: Yea...Sure? Come on!

Christian What?!

Kevin: I know just saying sorry dose not cure everything. But, I really mean it.

Christian: Are you sure?

Kevin: Yea. I am even going to start training to become a pro wrestler...like you.

Christian: What, Is that how sorry you are? You don't have to go that far.

Kevin: I know, but I want to. I want to keep my promise.

Christian: But, you are having a baby soon.

Kevin: Yea, after a few months after the baby is born. I could start training.

Christian: Man, your crazy.

Kevin: No I'm not. I want to keep my promise.

Christian: You remember the promise we made?

Kevin: Yea! I want to keep it.

Christian: Alright, go for it.

Kevin: So we are cool now.

Christian: ..... Yea.......

They give each other a ghetto high five and a ghetto brotherly hug.

Kevin: You ready for McGurk?

Christian Yea, always ready.

Kevin: Lets go then!

Christian Alright, lets go to FDS!


That day, I learned a lit from my brother. He gets pissed off easily. Also, we tries hard on what he does. You can trust him. He keeps promises and he is ready for the next challenge that comes to him. I know, know one will bring him down. If they do, I think they ill get teched a lesson by Chris. Its always important to stay close to your family. When is the last time you thought of that?

[sonstuds]

To improve that much on description in only one week is really quite impressive. Major kudos on that one.

There were still some spelling issues though. Normally you could get a bye on them, but when you continually spell stuff like bored wrong it begins to hinder the roleplay. That, and Kevin saying things like "aaaaaaaaah" is more comical, and I think it sort of kills any emotion/concern you were trying to raise throughout (unless it was supposed to be funny).

There's also some consistency problems. First being who was the note supposed to be too, and second being that if Kevin is still going to FDS to back up Christian weekly, why does he have to wait until the baby is born to start training? He's still going around the country.

Other than, great improvement over your roleplay last week. Good job.

[Calvin]

agreed with EBR. The Ahhhh" thing is kinda odd. I like how you took his advise to write in Kevin's perspective. With time it will all work out better I think. Good job.

[veronicaaaahhhh]

EBR pretty much summed it up.

The only minor flaw I saw here was the inconsistency with the tenses early on:

The rain could not be harder this day. The clouds are dark and the rain is cold. All you could hear is the sound of rain, splashing on the ground, cars, and trees. You could also hear the mighty roar of the Lightning roaring as loud as it can. Everyone was stuck in there homes, with nothing to do. Who knows when the electricity might come off, or if it even will. Me and Christian are inside and board wanting something to do.

Up until "All you could hear is the sound...", the narrative was that set on the present tense, then all of the sudden it was shifted over on the past tense.

Overall, I like your style and approach; there's a lot of potential in you. I just believe that what you really need to do is to really polish your style as you progress; you could really take the time to work on your dialogue, develop the character, as well as his relationships to the others around him. Man, you really gotta make us feel for him; we have to know to know him.

Another thing you have to work on is your sentence structure. Other than that, you did a pretty good job with the RP.

Good luck.

[jesterslaugh]

The Rp in general is pretty good.

You have some grammar and spelling errors, which drive me a bit nuts.

Your story between Kevin and yourself is pretty good, though I have to agree with EBR if he is traveling already why doesn't he just start training now.

But sans the grammar and that, good job.