FDS RP - The Dream.

[Chris182]

The time has finally come. This is what my brother has been waiting for. Working hard for. He has a chance in FDS. Yes, its true. I did not think it was going to be this fast. Just after 4 House Shows he is in FDS. Now, I am not sure if it is permeate, but at least he can show all of his talent to the people over there. And maybe, just maybe, If he does good. He can move on to FDS. This is his second chance. The tournament was his first chance. Now, they gave him a second chance to shine. I hope he doesn't blow it.

Fear: Its something that you hate. You never want to come face to face with. You can't stop thinking about it. When you don't even want to think about it. Its the only thing standing in the way of you, and reality. One day, you have to face that fear. You have to get over that fear. When you did. Another one comes right up behind you.

Its Late afternoon and Christian is trying to focus on FDS and his one goal. Its to come out of there the winner. But he wont be the only winner. If he and Dane can pull off a win, it would be great. Christian, debuting in FDS has been his dream ever since he watched his hero Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat on TV. He has always wanted to be a pro wrestler and he made it. But know he made it to a bigger stage. He made it to Felo De Se. Now his last dream in pro wrestling is to become Champion. Now he knows its not going to come strait to him. He knows that he has to work hard for it. But, it will happen. When it does he will not just be a champion, he will be a great champion. People will remember his and say " Christian Rodriguez, Ya, he was a great wrestler. One of the best." Christian wants to leave a legacy that will live forever. H gets his first chance at FDS.

Christian: Yes, I am so excited.

Kevin: I know, but lets not party, i know you made it, but looking on how you are excited now, if you lose over there, I know that you will be crushed. So try not to celebrate to much.

Christian: I know, I know. But, come on. I made it. Can I still celebrate a little bit?

Kevin: Oh alright.

Kevin walks over to the refrigerator and grabs a drink. He gets two glasses and pours the drink in each of them. He gives one to Christian.

Kevin: How do you feel?

Christian: What are you talking about?

Kevin: You seemed all depressed a few days ago.

Christian: Ya, I lost my only chance to go to FDS. But, I got it back now.

Kevin: I think you should stop thinking of wrestling for the rest of the day, it will calm you down more.

Christian: What? Why?

Kevin: Don't you get nervous?

Christian: No, why would I care about those fans, I don't care about anyone in WFWF.

Kevin: Oh come on. You must have a friend over there. And I don't think you should talk about the fans that way.

Christian: I don't want to make any friends over there. And, do you think I care on what the fans think? I Can care less if the boo me out the building. I will just come back.

Kevin: What ever you say. Look its getting late. I think we should go to sleep.

Christian: Alright.

Kevin turns off the lights and the brothers go off to their rooms and go to sleep.

As soon as Christian goes to sleep He starts to Dream.

Christian is by himself walking down a maze. Its like a video game. He is trying to find the way out.

Voice: This way Christian!

Christian tries to follow th voice. The voice gets closer and closer.

Voice: You are almost there Christian.

Christian feels like a person was right in front of him. The voice was coming from the wall in front of him.

Voice: Ha ha. I tricked you! This is not the was out.

Christian: Where is the way out?!

Voice: Follow the little people.

Christian: Little people?

Little people appear running out of the nearest corner. There is about 5 of them.

Little people: Hey Christian! This way!

The little people start to run down this long path that looks like it runs forever. Christian in running behind them. They are running in a straight line. It seems like they are running forever. When they reach a dead end. The little people start running at full speed and right before they reach the wall, they jump up and go right through the wall. Christan stops as he sees the last one go through the wall. He stays there staring at the wall. One of the little people's heads pops out of the wall.

Little person: Come on. Just jump in.

Christian backs up. He starts to run at full speed. He jumps and goes through the wall. At the other side of the wall he lands in a forest. The little people are right in front of him waiting for him.

Christian: Where are we?

Little people: We are at master's forest.

Christian: Who is master?

Little people: He is the great one. Would you like to meet him?

Christan: Sure.

Little people: Lets go.

The little people. Make this weird call. It sounds like a screeching noise. All of a sudden, 6 clouds come down to the ground. The little people get on them.

Little People: Get on.

Christian gets on a cloud. They take off high in the air. In the air Christian sees things he would never think he would see in the sky. He sees trees and bushes. Buildings and houses. He sees the little girl. She was in one of Christian's dreams before.

Little girl: Come on, Lets play.

Christian ties to reach out to the girl. She disappears in an instant. Then the Woman appears that was also in his dream.

Woman: Leave he alone! She does not want to be with you anymore!

Christian: Who is she? Who are you?

Woman: I hate you!

The woman then disappears. The clouds start to go down to the ground as they got to a BIG tree.

Little people: We are here. Lets go.

The little people and Christian get off the clouds and head for the big tree. The Get to the tree and they hear and big voice. The voice was not talking in English, it sounded like...

Big Voice: Da be fa sha na!!!!

The little people answer back.

Little people: Fo she! Che ca Christian!

Big Voice: Christian? Oh Ge te do ma na.

A Hole appears in the tree so they can get in. Inside the tree is nothing you can imagine. Its big. Its a home of ll the little people in the world. He sees little people sleeping, eating, playing, and working. The little people tell Christian to follow. They take him up a big stair way. hey go up, and up, and up and up. They finally reach the top and there is a big door in front of them. The little people knock on the door. A Bog voice answers.

Big voice: HU?

Little people: Jo Ka no Christian.

Big Voice: Ka sha me. Let him in!

The big door opens and the little people push Christian in and slam the door leaving Christian by him self with the master. Christian walks around looking for him. He sees a desk with someone sitting in a chair.

Christian: Are you the master?

The man turns the chair around facing Christian. Its Kevin! His brother.

Christian: Kevin?! Your the master.

Master: Who is this Kevin?

Christian: Stop joking around Kevin.

Master: Who is this Kevin you speak of?

Christian: So if you are not Kevin, who are you?

Master: I am So Shi! Master of the Little people!

Christian: Hello, So Shi. Why did you bring me hear?

So Shi: You have a secret.

Christian: What secret?

So Shi: Do you remember, Jasmine?

Christian: Don't remind me of her.

So Shi: She dumped you right before you went to train in Atlanta.

Christian: Wait, she was in my dream! It was her! But, who was the little girl?

So Shi: You were depressed. For a long time. You went to get train in Atlanta. You never saw her again.

Christian: How do you know this?

So Shi: I know everything.

Christian: Why did I have a dream about her now?

So Shi: Because, Christian, The little girl is you daughter!

Christian: What, thats not true! Stop! I need to get out of here!

So Shi: There is no way out! It is true.

Christian: Then whats her name?

So Shi: Its Biananen.

Christian: I don't have a daughter!

So Shi: She lives in Brooklyn, New York. In your home town.

Christian: Your Crazy!

So Shi: Go get her! Now leave its getting late. Now promise me You will go get her.

Christian: What if I don't.

So Shi: I will haunt you until you do. And it wont be just an ol regular gost haunting. Its will be the worst thing you ever went through.

Christian: Let me out of here!

So Shi throws dust on Christian. Christian is yelling telling him to let him out while trying to get the dust out of his eyes. So Shi Lefts him up and throws him.

Kevin: Your up finally. Todays you big day.

Christian: I said to let me out So Shi!

Kevin: Are you alright?! What the hell are you talking about?

Christian: Wait, Your Kevin!

Kevin: Yes...

Christian: It was only a dream.

Kevin: What?

Christian: My dream. There was a maze, the voice tricked me. Then the little people took me to So Shi which looked like you. He told me that I had a daughter.

Kevin: Wo, wo, wo. Daughter? It was only a dream. Man you are stressing alot. Get over it. Calm down.

Christian: I know its crazy! I know I don't have a daughter. He said that she lived back home. And the mother is Jasmine.

Kevin: I don't think you should talk about her anymore.

Christian: I got to go find out.

Kevin: It was a dream!

Christian: I know, but if I don't, So Shi will haunt me.

Kevin: Don't tell me you are going crazy!

Christian: I'm not! Please believe me!

Kevin: ................................

Kevin: Ok i do, just don;t mention this to anyone. After FDS we will fly over there.

Christian: Thanks.




Now I am really worried about him. I know i told him I will take him to New York, but if he calms down, I wont need too. But I think I have to. What can I do? I have tried everything to try to calm him down. It seemed like he was. Now, with this dream talk. It will be harder to calm him back down. But now, we are heading to FDS. I hope he can get his head together and not blow the match.

[Chris182]

OOC: Here is my FDS r. Sorry it is so late. Well tell me what ya think

[sonstuds]

The idea of having a narrative in someone other than the wrestler is interesting. I think you should try and expand on that, maybe have the entire roleplay being through the eyes of Kevin.

Description really wasn't that well done. First, you never explained the opening setting. Secondly, you never let things really process. It's all written in a "matter of fact" way. It's all just kind of like "He goes to bed. He has a dream. He's running. He sees someone". That's really dull and bland, and comes off that you, the writer, find it boring too.

The little people start running at full speed and right before they reach the wall, they jump up and go right through the wall. Christan stops as he sees the last one go through the wall. He stays there staring at the wall. One of the little people's heads pops out of the wall.

See what I mean? Not only that, but you continually end every sentence with wall, and it gets to the point it's almost comical.

Essentially, write the description as it'd be written in a book.

I thought the dream sequence was all potential, but never really came through. Most of that comes from the fact that you don't expand on the description, so it ends up just looking all over the place. He has a dream, he's in a maze, he sees little people, he follows them, he hears some voice he can't decipher, then he sees Kevin as some other guy. I'm not trying to be mean, but it was written almost exactly like that. And maybe it's just me, but I never have dreams as complex and "out there" as that.

And possibly the biggest issue, the gramatical errors and typos. I tend to let these slide, but this was full of them. I'm not trying to be mean, but I could probably take 1/4 of this roleplay and find several typos. I don't know if you proof read your roleplays, but point blank, you need to start.

I didn't mean to come off like a jack ass in this reply, but you just have a few issues that really need to be resolved ASAP.

[Chris182]

Thanks for the reply. I know you were no trying to be mean. I know i still got a few things to work on. Its ok that you told me the things that where wong with the rp. So i could watch out for it next time. Thank you very much.

[Calvin]

first off.....write it word. Or something with spell check. Quick way to fix all hose small errors that you miss.

Description lacks a lot.....and that was one paragraph that I think personally needs the most help.

"The little people. Make this weird call. It sounds like a screeching noise. All of a sudden, 6 clouds come down to the ground. The little people get on them"

expand on that.....what does a screeching noise make? be specific. And don't use the word "wierd" like that because it's well dull. Why is it wierd....and how does it sound wierd? like I said...expand.

I thinke verything else was covered