FDS RP: Taking One Step Back

[recklessmatten]

A cell phone is ringing inside a bag. A guy comes into the room and hears it ring. He asks if anyone is in the room and no bodys answers. He walks over to the bag and takes out the phone and answers it.

Guy: Hello, may i ask who this is?

Guy On Phone: No you can not. I want you to listen to me. Dont let any of what i am going to say slip out of your mind. And you must not tell anybody or i will find you.

Guy: Erm, i guess thats ok. But who are you?

The phone goes dead and there is a knock on the door. The guy opens the door to see a man in a mask. He grabs him by the neck and lifts him and pushes him against a wall. He lets him drop to the floor.

Masked Man: Right, listen to me. You are going to do me a favour. You are going to take this mic and find out some information for me. Failure in doing so will lead in very serious punishment. Do you understand me? Well if you dont, you are still going to do this. I need you to spy on a guy for me and gather as much information as you can.

The man looks shocked. He hesitates and then nods his head. The masked man hands him and envolope and a mic to record anything. The man opens the envolope and looks shocked to see the name of the man he is to spy on. He looks up at the masked man and runs out of the door. The masked man removes his mask to reveal none other then Reckless.

Reckless: Now thats taken care of. To FDS i go. Dead Idol, i beat you in the NB tournament and now you come back for me. This time ona bigger stage. You did well at HS but, i have one problem with you. You agravated my knee injury from a few years back. I have to tape it heavily and wear a brace from now on. I cant keep at my regular pace, well not until i get surgery on my knee to help fix the problem. But you know me Idol, i refuse medical help. I dont go down without a fight and i wont go down until there is no breathe in my body.

Reckless laughs and opens up his bad and takes out his knee brace. He sits down on the bench as the man runs back into the room. The man stops to look around and looks at Reckless.

Guy: Excuse me, have you seen a man in a red mask and a long black coat? I really need to find him.

Reckless: Nope, last time i saw him was getting into a red car leaving. Why do you want him?

Guy: He sent me to do a thing for him. I think i have something.

Reckless pauses and stands up and attaches the brace to his knee. He looks down then runs and grabs the mic and runs out of the room and into the parking lot. He jumps into a white limo. Soon after he leaves the limo the guy runs behind him and goes to hit him, but Reckless pushes him to the floor.

Reckless: Thank you very much. You will be rewarded. Back to this week. Now where was I? Oh yeah, High Horror, i think we have had a little brawl at some point. I repsect you. You have what it takes to make it. But you have to go through me to do so. I like you, but i dont like you enough to let you slide past me. FDS will be a chance where the New Breed shine. I dont get one thing though. Why am i in the NB Tourney, i have been a FDS regular for weeks, i have won both my PPV matches and have a very good winnig record. Why am i there? I dont care, i will have to take what is already mine. High Horror, Dead Idol, ill see you at FDS.

Reckless hops onto a motorbike and goes off out of the arena. The red mask drops to the floor, and the man picks it up. He looks shocked and gets up and runs off back into the arena. The scene fades away.

here you go guys

[sonstuds]

First, the idea of something personal (wanting to get spy information), then proceeding to cut a promo in front of a (presumed) camera doesn't work at all. Why would Reckless want any of the spying stuff to be on camera? Couldn't the guy he's using just watch Reckless' promo and realize what's going on? Logically, it just doesn't make sense.

Description wise, it was brief and kind of underdeveloped. I really don't want to come off like a douche (but I will, so whatever). But there are several things that aren't explained.

-We have no real idea where any of this is taking place (until the very end)
-Right now, no idea why Reckless picked the guy he did to do his dirty work.
-Why did Reckless take a knee brace out of his bag? If it's because he's preparing to run with the information, wouldn't it make more sense to wear it from the get go?
-Why did Reckless run into a white limo, then get out of it and leave on a different vehicle?
-Why did Reckless leave the arena (since we're assuming this is all taking place at FDS and before his match)?

Work on just tying up all these possible loose ends.

You had a lot of awkard pauses and segways in your speech. If it's just gonna be Reckless cutting a promo on his opponents (which is fine), then just make it that. Don't try and do two things at once. When you try and incorporate both, it rarely works, especially when each interfer with one another. Specifically when he's talking about Dead Idol, then you go back into the spying thing.

Reckless: Thank you very much. You will be rewarded. Back to this week. Now where was I? Oh yeah, High Horror,

That really kills any mood and momentum you were building with the speech. Also, try and seperate your points. In the same paragraph you discuss High Horror, then make the New Breed tournament observation. Should probably try and expand on both of those, and instead of getting one small paragraph with both, attempt to get two paragraphs.