FDSRP David Williams

[Markw]

David walked down the empty lonely mountains which loomed over the sea. A shadow cast down and David started to speak

“This will be my first time at the FDS and I will prove to the world I can go the distance, I am going to make a name for my self”

David walked along the cliff side.

“You don’t know what I’m capable of I will direct my anger on you and you will feel my wrath. The journey of life is the biggest journey of all and I will be the one that ends your journey. I am the man who darkness and torment to your souls.”

David walked along the cliff side, memories haunting his soul

“I have never really felt at home until I first stepped into a WFWF ring. In the new breed tournament I took out one of the favourites Malice and with some help from Dean I will defeat the revolution this is a way of proving I am ready for the big league I have endured blood, sweet and tears training day after day putting my body through so much to get were I am to day and all those hours that I could have spent with Family and Friends will pay off. Dean I’m not going to lie I am a lone ranger and I have never teamed with anyone before but it looks like I’m going to have to team with you whether I like it or not, but I am a lone wolf and you better not screw this up for me”

David remembered a night on the cliffs all those years ago she was there with him and his daughter stood beside him. He knew that he had driven her to it

“I need to vent my anger and Revolution you will be on the receiving end: This is war”

David flushed remembering his sins

“I am the darkness”

OOC: I know it’s short and not very good but I’m going on holiday and I have to write two of these and please reply with some pointers thanks for reading Mark

[Kurt Burton: Script Doctor!]

Well, I noticed a couple of run-on sentences in your speech, and your description needed work. But, if you were rushed to do this, it's not bad for a slap together. Just work on filling in the description a little bit more, and break the speech up.

[Calvin]

why are you saying you NEED to write two rps? One great rp is better then two half ass ones. Why not work on one.....save it for now...and then finish it when you would write you second. It'd be much better. I hate it when people say I am going to do another when really you could take the time and put both rps into one rp that is guaranteed tobe better then the two combined. Usually when you write two rps it's because you don't think your first is good enough. Unless you are doing it for a storyline. That's my opinion though.

[CBT]

squeaks said:

why are you saying you NEED to write two rps? One great rp is better then two half ass ones. Why not work on one.....save it for now...and then finish it when you would write you second. It'd be much better. I hate it when people say I am going to do another when really you could take the time and put both rps into one rp that is guaranteed tobe better then the two combined. Usually when you write two rps it's because you don't think your first is good enough. Unless you are doing it for a storyline. That's my opinion though.

He means one for FDS and one for HS.

[sonstuds]

Description, as mentioned, needs improvement. Just expand on it more and try to describe the setting in more detail.

David remembered a night on the cliffs all those years ago she was there with him and his daughter stood beside him. He knew that he had driven her to it

You really need to expand on stuff like that. Everyone gets what's going on, but because of how short it is it isn't effective and just kind of looks thrown in there for the sake of a dramatic/emotional moment.

You start off with the promo being directed at someone, but you don't specifiy who until a couple paragraphs later. Also, his attitude changes throughout the speech. He starts off saying how he's darkness and is going to torment souls, which makes you think the character is dark and what not. But then one paragraph later he's talking about how much he put into training and mentions his family and friends. There's just not much continuation with the character.