Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2008 23:40:35 GMT -5
Entry # 5
February 23, 2008
Late… almost too late to still be awake
Dear Diary,
Today dawned a new day on my life. Today I finally admitted to myself that I push everyone who could change the way I am, the way I react, change me… I push them all out of my life and on to the curb. Some of them deserve to be pushed away… some of them abuse me. But some of them should be forgiven and I should not have said such harsh things to him, because I love him, like I should a brother, and if some day he ends up reading this I am sorry. After my last and first match back at WFWF I told my brother how much I hated him for everything mean he had ever done to me. But I guess I really just hate myself for putting up with all of his crap. Who knows if he’ll come into my life ever again? It feels so weird to me that I can for once say that I care. I can honestly say that I care about him coming back into my life. Because I know now that he is gone probably for good now… I am honestly going to miss him… When he said, well I guess this is goodbye Megan… that is when it really hit me. I just can not commit to anything I mean look what I did to Johnny Arsenic after we had decided to take our relationship to the next level… I left him… or maybe he left me, we’ll pretend for now I left him. I took my engagement ring and… I heated it up all nice and hot… (It’s a shame I can’t say Johnny heated me up that way) But anyways, I took it to the palm of my hand… and burned my flesh to promise myself I would make a complete change, a complete three hundred and sixty degrees. We’ll I changed alright I can not honestly say if it is for the best. But I am not the same immature little punk I was when I was in ATM. I do not know if my opponent at Loaded Saku even realizes this. It is just funny to think how he thinks he has to face some stupid girl, a top women’s competitor. That is a joke. At least I hope it is. I would hope I am not considered a part of the women’s division just because I am a woman. I mean the women’s roster is dropping like… flies. No one has even heard from Ayn after our last match. I guess I should just go to sleep now. It is getting kind of late. I guess I’ll tell you about my dreams tomorrow when I wake. [/i]
February 23, 2008
Late… almost too late to still be awake
Dear Diary,
Today dawned a new day on my life. Today I finally admitted to myself that I push everyone who could change the way I am, the way I react, change me… I push them all out of my life and on to the curb. Some of them deserve to be pushed away… some of them abuse me. But some of them should be forgiven and I should not have said such harsh things to him, because I love him, like I should a brother, and if some day he ends up reading this I am sorry. After my last and first match back at WFWF I told my brother how much I hated him for everything mean he had ever done to me. But I guess I really just hate myself for putting up with all of his crap. Who knows if he’ll come into my life ever again? It feels so weird to me that I can for once say that I care. I can honestly say that I care about him coming back into my life. Because I know now that he is gone probably for good now… I am honestly going to miss him… When he said, well I guess this is goodbye Megan… that is when it really hit me. I just can not commit to anything I mean look what I did to Johnny Arsenic after we had decided to take our relationship to the next level… I left him… or maybe he left me, we’ll pretend for now I left him. I took my engagement ring and… I heated it up all nice and hot… (It’s a shame I can’t say Johnny heated me up that way) But anyways, I took it to the palm of my hand… and burned my flesh to promise myself I would make a complete change, a complete three hundred and sixty degrees. We’ll I changed alright I can not honestly say if it is for the best. But I am not the same immature little punk I was when I was in ATM. I do not know if my opponent at Loaded Saku even realizes this. It is just funny to think how he thinks he has to face some stupid girl, a top women’s competitor. That is a joke. At least I hope it is. I would hope I am not considered a part of the women’s division just because I am a woman. I mean the women’s roster is dropping like… flies. No one has even heard from Ayn after our last match. I guess I should just go to sleep now. It is getting kind of late. I guess I’ll tell you about my dreams tomorrow when I wake. [/i]
______________________________________
The young and the beautiful woman folds down her Dell laptop. She places it on the nightstand next to her queen size pillow top bed. Meg likes to be able to forget about all the bad things before bed and only dream about sweet things. Sometimes this is not always true but she tries. She feels it helps to write about the things she can’t bare to say aloud. She yawns, that is when she knows she has gone to bed too late this evening. Meg leans to the side and picks up a picture of her grandmother on her nightstand and kisses it goodnight.
“I am sorry, for what I did, sweet dreams in heaven.”
Meg lays her head down for another good nights sleep. But something is different this time; no writing helped her this time. Thoughts of Morgan and what she had done runs through her head. All her mistakes with him, all the crude things she said to him. No one would ever understand her if she couldn’t understand herself. She lies awake for a few moments thinking about calling Morgan and apologizing, but sometimes sorry just isn’t enough? Meg knows that from other personal experiences. To think about how much she hated Morgan just brought her down to a new personal low. Twins are supposed to be best friends, they are supposed to finish each others sentences, and do each others hair. But Meg and Morgan aren’t like normal twins, because they were separated at a young age. Morgan was taken with their mother and Meg stayed behind with their grandmother. Twins being separated at birth is bad enough, but Meg and Morgan were separated after they knew each other. Meg awakens.
“I hide behind the hatred of my brother to ignore the hatred of myself. If I hate my twin, is that not like hating myself. I am just too afraid to admit that the only reason I push or hurt people close to me is because if I don’t love myself then I can not possibly love someone else. I always thought I had to love myself first and foremost. Have you ever wondered if you wrote a book about your life if anyone would even care or if anyone would even bother to read about all your hardships?”
Meg wrestles around and tugs at her bleach white down blanket on her bed. Meg always believed the key to a goodnights sleep is to be comfortable in your own space. She never sleeps good on the road in hotel rooms, she always thinks about whose done things in the bed before her or she remembers what she has done in hotel rooms in the past.
“Isn’t it funny how sometimes it is easier to talk to people you don’t know about your problems. I think it is funny how I wouldn’t care if a complete stranger read my diary but if say my sister or brother got a hold of all my thoughts and dreams I would go mad, completely manic.”
Meg turns her head to look out of her window. Beautiful white snow flakes fall from the sky; they rest against the ground like the white blanket over Meg’s body. Meg would like to think the snow is keeping the ground warm and snug like her blanket, but she knows that is not true. The snow is only making the ground cold and bitter like Megan’s heart. Meg’s dog Collin jumps onto the bed and nestles up next to her to stay warm. Collin is definitely someone she could never push away. Meg loves her sheltie.
“I can’t stand it Collin. I have to face yet another man, another man who isn’t even worth facing. I am facing Saku. Saku is a man of his country; he is a man of power and pride. I’ve met Salmelainen before but that was years ago. I was weaker then. I was a weaker woman back then; he doesn’t know the new Meg. The Meg he knew was still after the women’s championship. But now I’ve had the Women’s belt and I want more. Sure I was the Meggalicious Champ. But I want more; I want to be International champion. I want more gold. I want to hold my weight in this federation, which is unfortunate for Saku Salmelainen because he is the first man on my chopping block this time around. All I know is that Saku better like it cold, because when he has his back on the mat after I pin him, he is going to be colder than his precious country Finland in winter. Ain’t that right Collin buddy.”
Meg scratches the top of Collin’s furry head. She makes sure she is nice and comfortable in her bed before she finally lays her head down on her pillow to sleep. Now that she has thought about everything, she can only hope she will get the goodnights sleep she deserves, but unfortunately she will never find out until she tries.
“I am sorry, for what I did, sweet dreams in heaven.”
Meg lays her head down for another good nights sleep. But something is different this time; no writing helped her this time. Thoughts of Morgan and what she had done runs through her head. All her mistakes with him, all the crude things she said to him. No one would ever understand her if she couldn’t understand herself. She lies awake for a few moments thinking about calling Morgan and apologizing, but sometimes sorry just isn’t enough? Meg knows that from other personal experiences. To think about how much she hated Morgan just brought her down to a new personal low. Twins are supposed to be best friends, they are supposed to finish each others sentences, and do each others hair. But Meg and Morgan aren’t like normal twins, because they were separated at a young age. Morgan was taken with their mother and Meg stayed behind with their grandmother. Twins being separated at birth is bad enough, but Meg and Morgan were separated after they knew each other. Meg awakens.
“I hide behind the hatred of my brother to ignore the hatred of myself. If I hate my twin, is that not like hating myself. I am just too afraid to admit that the only reason I push or hurt people close to me is because if I don’t love myself then I can not possibly love someone else. I always thought I had to love myself first and foremost. Have you ever wondered if you wrote a book about your life if anyone would even care or if anyone would even bother to read about all your hardships?”
Meg wrestles around and tugs at her bleach white down blanket on her bed. Meg always believed the key to a goodnights sleep is to be comfortable in your own space. She never sleeps good on the road in hotel rooms, she always thinks about whose done things in the bed before her or she remembers what she has done in hotel rooms in the past.
“Isn’t it funny how sometimes it is easier to talk to people you don’t know about your problems. I think it is funny how I wouldn’t care if a complete stranger read my diary but if say my sister or brother got a hold of all my thoughts and dreams I would go mad, completely manic.”
Meg turns her head to look out of her window. Beautiful white snow flakes fall from the sky; they rest against the ground like the white blanket over Meg’s body. Meg would like to think the snow is keeping the ground warm and snug like her blanket, but she knows that is not true. The snow is only making the ground cold and bitter like Megan’s heart. Meg’s dog Collin jumps onto the bed and nestles up next to her to stay warm. Collin is definitely someone she could never push away. Meg loves her sheltie.
“I can’t stand it Collin. I have to face yet another man, another man who isn’t even worth facing. I am facing Saku. Saku is a man of his country; he is a man of power and pride. I’ve met Salmelainen before but that was years ago. I was weaker then. I was a weaker woman back then; he doesn’t know the new Meg. The Meg he knew was still after the women’s championship. But now I’ve had the Women’s belt and I want more. Sure I was the Meggalicious Champ. But I want more; I want to be International champion. I want more gold. I want to hold my weight in this federation, which is unfortunate for Saku Salmelainen because he is the first man on my chopping block this time around. All I know is that Saku better like it cold, because when he has his back on the mat after I pin him, he is going to be colder than his precious country Finland in winter. Ain’t that right Collin buddy.”
Meg scratches the top of Collin’s furry head. She makes sure she is nice and comfortable in her bed before she finally lays her head down on her pillow to sleep. Now that she has thought about everything, she can only hope she will get the goodnights sleep she deserves, but unfortunately she will never find out until she tries.
