Promo/Debut RP

[Drakz]

I can see what I'm doing but I can't control it these days. If I said that out loud anyone listening would think I'm some kind of a cry baby bitch. You know the default crap that most teenagers spout to their diaries. Anyway that's not the point I'm making. I'm talking physical control here, I mean I am inside this shell of a head and I'm looking through these eyes but I can't control the hands or arms that stem from the shoulders I feel like I'm sitting on. Again it sounds like I'm trying to be poetic, like I'm sat on the shoulders of some one else, but I mean it physically again. I've been here, trapped inside my own head for a long while now. I've become more of a conscience than a human, but I get ignored more often than not. I'm not even 100% sure who's operating this damn machine anymore. All I can do is watch the actions it makes, oh and twiddle my thumbs.

Looks like we've reached our destination, would all passengers please wait until the vehicle has stopped moving before trying to leave. Oh yeah there's only me in here, damn I'm so funny. Where are we then? Fire escape, big skips full of god knows what, a few cars dotted about. Looks like any old corporate building, from behind that is. Ooooh "I'm" opening the door. Wonder what's inside? Not too sure if I should even be reffering to my body's actions as my own but if I start using a separate name for it I'll only sound insane, to everyone who can hear me. God damn I need to stop being this funny, at least I'm keeping myself entertained ey? Well the inside of this building looks about as boring and generic as the outside did. Long corridors with polished floors, bare walls and the odd dustbin. Fantastic. At least "I" seem to know where I'm going in here, although I can't say personally I remember this place, I guess "I" must do though, either that or I'm lost.


OI! WHERE ARE WE?

Doubt "I'll" respond, "I" don't usually. What's written on these doors? God damn I wish I could see more than "I" chose to, then I could just stop and read one of these signs. Oh think that last one said EBR on it, not got a clue what that stands for though so that wasn't much help. Wait "I've" stopped. Judging by the sign on this door I'd say we might be at the "Manager's Office," just a gut feeling though, no solid proof. "I'm" trying the door, nope it's locked. Oh well time to go home I guess. Ok now I've snapped the lock, I guess I'm not meant to be in here.

---

---

Yukio's office is kept in the same manner that any Managerial office would be. Everything is neat and tidy, his desk has a few papers sat on it, probably of great importance, not to us though. We find ourselves focused on the masked man stood over by the broken door. He turns quickly and closes it before moving a small book shelf over it to stop anyone else entering the room. He then takes from his pocket a small tape recorder and clicks the red button marked "REC."


Unknown - "I know you won't be around for much longer, holding this position anyway, but I would rather do this now than wait around for a new owner to turn up and try, like many others, to pick this place up off its ass."

The whole time the masked man talks his breathing can be heard, accentuated by the apparatus built around the mouth and nose to clean the air he takes into his lungs.


Unknown - "My contract has already been signed so don't worry your self with details like that, just know that I WILL be featured on your next card and from here on in I WILL be a thorn in your side, all be it a thorn that comes and goes when it pleases. You should have already received my file with all my details in but judging by the papers on your desk you must have thought you had more important matters to attend to. This is not a threat or anything like that, I'm just letting you prepare yourself a little before this all starts."

The anonymous man then hits the stop button before laying the recorder down on top of the papers. However he soon picks it up again as though he had forgotten to add something.

Unknown - "I forgot to mention, please pass this tape on if they boot you out before I start officially. I'll be seeing you"

He then heads back over to the door after laying the recorder back down on the desk. He slides the same book shelf blocking the door out of the way and back into place, give or take an inch, before leaving the room. The broken lock clings to the edge of the door as it slams and a piece of splintered door frame falls to the carpet.

---

---

Why do I know that room? Why do I know that name? It's like one of those past life things you hear about. I'm probably confused with somewhere else. Man I'm hungry, I really hope "I" go get something soon, wish "I" wouldn't talk like such a ponse as well, makes me look bad.

[Drakz]

For anyone who found it hard to follow what was goin on there I will do a quick run down, so you know for future RPs.

The brown text is the thoughts of Chaemo, any actual speech is said by Chaemo but Chaemo is 2 separate people. One in his thoughts, the other in reality. When I or Me are surrounded by speech marks it's because the real identity of Chaemo (his thoughts) is refering to his physical self (the person you would see or hear speak.)

Oh and the green was Chaemo talking to himself

Pretty self explanatory and I think by trying to help I've only made it more confusing and made myself come off like a know it all prick. Anyway thoughts on the RP?

Pz X

[bad guy™]

Wrong board

Haha...but Ill bite.

Not bad man. Very good debut. Obviously you have much to learn, but you could pick up quick I think.

Only complaints are the little grammar mistakes. And you jumped around a little to much. Just read some of the veteran RPs here, and you will see what I mean. (I would recommend Revvie, Mason Dixon, Thunder, Obo...and people like that.)

Not sure what else to say as this is a debut but still...

[Drakz]

How did it jump around? I thought it followed the same chronological pattern throughout. Only thing that jumped around perhaps is the point of view of the RP? But that is only hugely noticable because the RP was so short

EDIT - Which board is this meant to go on then?

[bad guy™]

House Show board was where.

[Drakz]

But this isn't for a house show

[Deleted]

Everyone starts on the House Show boards. Now you are "debuting" so to speak so that really isn't a big deal.

For a character like this speaking out of the box as someone looking outward to look back in on himself . . . you really need to be adept with your writing so the reader isn't left wondering those popular three letters (W.T.F.?)

You have to understand that the overall experience level here is in the middle. There are many of our writers that can't read an RP unless it's in a traditional script format. They just don't know any other way to view or write a roleplay. And even for the few that could get our heads around it, the fact that you felt obligated to explain what things were really just proves to YOURSELF that it was kind of clustered.

The story, though, is freakin' sweet. I really like this amnesian motiff. Kind of interesting. I would just suggest tweaking it ever so slightly so we're not wondering who's saying what.

[Kyzer]

I thought this was great for a debut rp. The opening monologue is awesome. The style of the description is unique. You presented Chaemo perfectly for what he is, an amnesiac. I am looking forward to reading more. My only complaint is I wish you did more. I am digging your style.

And that comes from the greatest. ;D

[Drakz]

Thanks again for the critique, it's all helpful to me building for my next RP (which will be in the House Shows board if anyone can't find it on here)

[Swarm]

Not much to say.

Cool stuff. Looks to be very interesting. I hope to read more down the line.

Cold Nipples. Go Packers.

[sonstuds]

I liked it.

I always thought a debut RP if you're not actually on the card should just be a short glimpse at a character to get the reader interested. You did that, so nice work.

Though, Yukio isn't the on-screen owner.

And "cry baby bitch" made this awesome.