Post by Revvie® on Feb 15, 2008 19:10:23 GMT -5
I tossed the small booklet upon the sink and lay back on the toilet. The bathroom had become my cove, my little place I called home. Upon further notice, it had become quite messy. Paraphernalia, water bottles, alcohol, and crimson coated towels were strewn about. I could have cared less, life was a bunch of sht now anyways. No one came by except for the occasion Jehovah’s Witness, I told every one of them to go to hell. They kept telling me there was no such thing, I know better. I may not care about God’s will anymore but I damn well know there is a hell, I can feel the heat beneath my feet. It won’t be much longer.
I reached down next to me and felt around for a bottle of anything, finally a rounded object. I grasp the bottle and pulled it to my lips and took a sip to wet my mouth, this made for an easier glide into the abyss known as my soul. I pulled from my pocket a small bottle filled with the treats I needed to survive anymore. I popped the top and down as many as I could fit into my mouth followed by the wet bitter alcohol I had lying around. I swallowed hard and the pain began to subside slowly if only because I knew what was to come. Then as I began to think about what usually took place I realized that the trip into the realm of the unreal had began and this was not like before. No, this time I could feel fear, death, and shadows scurried about the walls giggling as they. I was almost completely gone.
I jumped up and grabbed my pad of a paper before I was to far gone. I jumped into the tub and shut the shower curtain and assumed a position of fetal design and began to write as quickly as possible before they took me away completely. I knew it was almost here.
My blurred and I began to fall forward into a pit of my own design and my own hell ensued. I could feel the flames of eternity as they torched my feet. Blisters popped and severance was to be paid in full and Lucifer was one to collect his dues.
Skin fell from bone as lies fall from truth and I fell from God. I was but desolate in the infinite and knew only loneliness and cancer was my name. I was but a disease infested tumor upon society and he knew of this and wept at my failures. Not my failures in faith by my failures within. So much passion, so much knowledge, all to be given to nothingness of forever and ever.
Maimed and bleeding, faithless and burning. Tears fell short to the fire and evaporated in the heat. I knew no pain like the sorrow I felt for forgetting who I was, who he was, and what I was suppose to do. I could hear other moans and screams upon my horizon, they were also of the damned. Crying out for loved ones who had forgotten them or for a God who they had never gave time to getting to know. Neither would come to their aid, the end was here. They were to burn for not finding such salvation, as I was for falling from such salvation.
My memories circled my mind, all that had happened, all the things I would miss, and my father. I could hear his words so clear. “You have to live for me Jason, my time has passed but yours is far from over. Remember you control your own destiny, God is the guidelines.” I had forgotten those words, hell I had forgotten him for the most part. He had passed right before Scars and Stripes last year. Because of him I found myself and pulled a victory that sent me to stardom and would eventually be my downfall.
Demons taunted me with water as I lay in the fire of my own agony. It’s not the physical pain that tears at your soul, no that is subtle. The mental anguish is what brings you to your knees in shame and causes the screams to echo. You realize what has happened, what transpired and you weep for those you will never help and for those you will never see again and nor would you want to see again where your at. You wish your fate on no one.
If only I had listened to him, if only I had followed the guidelines, things would be different…..if only. I closed my eyes and dwindled into the masses.
My eyes flung open and I began to choke. I could hear voices and people scurrying about frantically. I noticed one of the voices, it was my mother. Where was I, why was she here? Finally after a few minutes and removing of some things I could finally talk but I did not. Not because I didn’t want to but because a word in was too much for my mother who had become her lecture of where she went wrong. Though I was a grown man and she had done everything right, it was my later choices that brought me here. But I didn’t bother to argue, I could not win it anyways.
Her eyes were filled the brim with sadness and were leaking badly. She touched up a bit with a Kleenex before continuing her wails of failure. “I just don’t know why you would go and try to kill yourself, you could have anything you want, and do whatever you like.” Try to kill myself? I never meant tried to kill myself, but again I said nothing. She latched onto my hand, grip tight. “And drugs, why? Your smarter then that!” It figures I would find something to pick at right now. But seriously is there like a built in speech in every moth when this happens? Then she asked a question that was a little sideways even for her. “Did you see your father?”
“What?”
“You were dead for a small time is what the doctors said; they also said you may have had a NDE.”
I looked at her dumbly; there was no near death about it. “Mother, I didn’t see Dad.”
“What did you see?”
I looked at her, smiled gently, and then faked a yawn. “I’m a little tired from all this, I think I am going to take a nap.” She nodded and removed herself from the room. I didn’t want to lie to her and nor did I want to tell her what I saw. I’m not even sure if it was real but it was definitely the most vivid of dreams then. I saw her purse lying next to me and my notebook that I had been keeping before jutted out the side. I pulled it out and open. I clicked the pen and away I went.
it, what do I care anymore, no one comes around.
