Post by Kurt Burton: Script Doctor! on Jan 24, 2008 18:00:44 GMT -5
In life and love, war and peace, one simple fact of life prevails above all others. A**holes always come out on top.
Don’t believe the movies. In the end, Hans Gruber got away and left John McClaine a bloody mess on the floor. Stalin made sure the Axis powers would not prevail in World War II. Plus FDR was not that great of a man himself, the first dictator of America.
I’ll put it simply, all I ever needed to learn about life, I learned from John Hughes.
It’s very simple. See in Weird Science, those two sweet geeky kids morphed into total ass holes and got everything they always wanted. And the only nice guy at the Breakfast Club is also the only one not getting any ponanny. Inevitably, in every one of John Hughes’ films, when all is said and done, the biggest douchebag wins. That Culkin kid sure worked over the robbers, and he was a douche. And of course, Chevy Chase always comes through and gives his family that great vacation, because he morphs into the most unholy godforsaken ASS in the history of mankind.
And so you may ask why the Axis did what we did to the Chemical Reaction. It’s simple. We’re not nice guys. Sure... Wayne loves his wife and daughter... why would he have them if he didn't. He's not a moron. And maybe I make everyone laugh when I mock CBT's mom and punch a clown in the face. But a sence of humor and strong family values do not make someone a nice guy. There are many other factors.
Chemical Reaction, I said it before the attack, and I'll say it again. This is not personal. It is a simple case of the right place, wrong time. You guys are young, coming up, fast, not as fast as I did, but you are no Flamez. But it would be a mistake for you to take these actions as a personal affront against you. We are giving you a chance, but we don't want to lose either. It's business, not personal. And it's also not personal when I destroy Jay Mayhem. After all, didn't he tap to Kat? Or was that his brother. Maybe he was the one who tapped out to her pathetic burn boy brother. Either way, I don't think he really stands too much of a chance.
But I will give him a chance. I won't hog the spotlight, unlike some other people around here. I will give him the chance to shine, but he will be like a match against a floodlight, as there are few who burn brighter than me.
You see, there are two things I am looking forward to this week. First, I need to get myself into shape for Superbrawl. At first there was nothing to write home about. It was me and Wayne versus the Chemical Reaction. Woo-hoo! And then we had the Survivors added. That is one hell of a tag match right there. Epic! *Barf* Seriously, those annoying little twits were as good as dead. And still are.
But we move forward, with Obo and a mystery partner, who would most likely Pierce our hearts. And now it gets interesting... who is this mystery man? How did Obo get out of his match against Draven? WHo really gives a flying
?
Draven was never anything. I know, I was there, I saw his patheticness first hand. He builds up these big promos, acting like he's coming to end Obo's career or whatever. I don't know, the guy puts me to sleep. And the company builds it up. Johnny Parker gets his little promotional machine running behind this match. But what does it end up being, a bigger flop than Gigli. Absolutely no one wanted to see that.
So Obo wanders over to our side of the court. And he has a secret little friend who is ready for his close-up Mr Deville... I mean DeMille... oops. And they want to step into the tag title match. Well, as long as you two make sure you have no prior commitments hanging over your heads, I am happy to have you. Should be fun. And I am saying that honestly. See, I'm an ass hole... Wayne is an ass hole... Obo's an ass hole... Hell, I bet Mystery Man is an ass hole.
And so, I know now, one of us will come out on top. Just which side is still to be determined.
But I am not just looking at this match as a tune up for Superbrawl, but I am looking beyond. I proved last week, I can beat a champion. Now, I am going to beat a... well I guess my point is lost, considering it is Jay Mayhem we are talking about.
What kind of a name is Mayhem anyways? Its the name of my show. Metal Mayhem. It's one of my old nicknames from back in the day. "The Master of Mayhem." Am I your master Jay? But when all is said and done, this week two things will be shown. Number One: I am dominant in that ring, and I am the Master of Mayhem. And Number Two: Jay Mayhem is just a little punk with a sad attempt at intimidation in his name.
Sorry to cut this blog short guys. I know you love staring at this ugly mug, but I got to get to lunch with the other Axis members. It's going to be a blast, staring across that table, listening to how much of a up I am. But... I'll see you guys later.
******
The damning looks they are giving me is enough to drive anyone insane. Michael, Wayne, Kat. All looking at me with a weird mixture of anger and disappointment, like I am some teenage kid who just brought home a suspension letter.
"Kurt, I reckon we don't know what to do about this." Wayne stared into my eyes. That overwhelming feeling washes over me, the same it did that night. Regret. It's a real bitch.
"I honestly don't know what to say to you Kurt. It feels like we're treading water, running in circles."
Bullcrap Kat... you haven't said one damn word to me since this incident, so don't act all concerned now. Go back to your intellectually- disabled person brother and molly coddle him just a little bit more.
"Look, Ied up. Okay, I get it. But we all screw up at some point in our lives..."
"Don't rationalize this Kurt. You broke the rules Wayne and Kat put forward. The conditions of you being here. You had to be clean, and sober, period. End of discussion."
I really hate you sometimes Michael. Why do you always have to be so right.
"Listen, I haven't made a descision yet. Yer living situation, that may be a whole nother matter. But right now... I need you to come clean."
"Shoot big man."
I could tell the wheels were spinning big time. He was trying to find the most delicate way to put this.
"How many times have you fallen off the wagon?"
"Honestly... once."
"I don't believe that," Michael piped up. "I saw the way you were acting at the mall, you were definately on something."
I shoot him a glance that I hoped would kill him.
"Michael, I reckon a lot of this was brought on by trust issues. Now I would appreciate it if you could accept what Kurt is saying, at least for right now."
Thank You Wayne!
"Was it just booze?"
"Yes."
"Have you entered treatment?"
"I am not going back to rehab."
"I didn't say that did I?"
My head falls forward, making a dash for the table. I have no idea how to respond to this.
"Look, I can't go to AA. By definition, our lives are chaotic. We are on the road about three quarters of the year. How would I get a sponsor, how would I attend meetings?"
"See, rationalizations." Michale looked at Wayne with thatsmug know it all look he gets sometimes.
"Hey, Mikey, for a guy I've spent close to a year with, you really don't know me too well do you. You can sit here, and yap away talking about my irresponsibility and my rationalizations... but try not to let any of those glass shards hit ya on the way down."
"What does that mean?"
"I told you not to throw stones in a glass house."
"Let's not try to let it get personal guys..." Wayne was almost as stunned as the rest of us when Kat spoke up.
"Who is Trixie Kurt?" The pain on her face, the tear running down her cheek, and I felt it, I felt every ounce of it.
"You said she was your sister, but you have never talked about your sister before. WHo is she!"
I felt a slug in the gut, and I could not respond. I sat dumbfounded at her fire and energy. It always caught me by surprise. I tried to think, I tried to respond, but my normally quick tongue was trapped under the weight of my lies.
"Kat, please calm down." Wayne tried to soothe her with his kind gaze, but she stood up.
"I'm sorry. I have to go."
She stood up, and without another word, she was gone. The only trait of hers I didn't love. When the going got tough, her legs got fast.
"Look Kurt, I do not want you to feel like you are under attack." You have done a really good job of that Michael. "We are here because we care about you." The politician smile.
"No, you are here because... I am sorry, this would be the time I come up with some semi-witty quip, but I can't do it right now. Why the hell do you two only seem to care when I up. I care when you guys aren't. I call, I come over. Did you realize neither one of you have been to Kat and my's place? Do you even know what city it is in?"
I check their reactions, I can't tell if it is apathy or what, but neither one of them is moving to speak.
"The simple fact of the matter is, I am going through some rough times. And it is great to know that my friends, two guys that I brought together, two men that I molded into the Axis... They haven't been there for me. Great. Love you two. But then when I make a mistake, they want to breathe down my neck about it, and talk to me like some goddamn two year old."
The concern on Wayne's face grew, as he looked up at me. I guess I didn't even know I was on my feet yet.
"But believe me, if I wanted to rehash mistakes, I could write volumes on you two. SO do I really want to take life advice from a guy who is too busy playing grab ass with his wife to notice that his kid needs some sort of stability in her life? Wayne, is Scarlet even in school? Or do I want to take advice from Mister Michael Mass Murder himing self?"
"Sit down Kurt!" Wayne spoke with authority this time. I must have hit a nerve. Throw that into the ever increasing mountain of regret.
"Wayne, I am sorry, but I cannot do this right now. If you want to fire me, fire me. If you want to pull me from SUperBrawl, I am sure Possessed Child would fly back from Japan to surrogate. But I cannot do this..."
I blazed to the door. Before I left, I could here Michael murmur.
"One time, I wish he wouldn't cause a scene."
Don’t believe the movies. In the end, Hans Gruber got away and left John McClaine a bloody mess on the floor. Stalin made sure the Axis powers would not prevail in World War II. Plus FDR was not that great of a man himself, the first dictator of America.
I’ll put it simply, all I ever needed to learn about life, I learned from John Hughes.
It’s very simple. See in Weird Science, those two sweet geeky kids morphed into total ass holes and got everything they always wanted. And the only nice guy at the Breakfast Club is also the only one not getting any ponanny. Inevitably, in every one of John Hughes’ films, when all is said and done, the biggest douchebag wins. That Culkin kid sure worked over the robbers, and he was a douche. And of course, Chevy Chase always comes through and gives his family that great vacation, because he morphs into the most unholy godforsaken ASS in the history of mankind.
And so you may ask why the Axis did what we did to the Chemical Reaction. It’s simple. We’re not nice guys. Sure... Wayne loves his wife and daughter... why would he have them if he didn't. He's not a moron. And maybe I make everyone laugh when I mock CBT's mom and punch a clown in the face. But a sence of humor and strong family values do not make someone a nice guy. There are many other factors.
Chemical Reaction, I said it before the attack, and I'll say it again. This is not personal. It is a simple case of the right place, wrong time. You guys are young, coming up, fast, not as fast as I did, but you are no Flamez. But it would be a mistake for you to take these actions as a personal affront against you. We are giving you a chance, but we don't want to lose either. It's business, not personal. And it's also not personal when I destroy Jay Mayhem. After all, didn't he tap to Kat? Or was that his brother. Maybe he was the one who tapped out to her pathetic burn boy brother. Either way, I don't think he really stands too much of a chance.
But I will give him a chance. I won't hog the spotlight, unlike some other people around here. I will give him the chance to shine, but he will be like a match against a floodlight, as there are few who burn brighter than me.
You see, there are two things I am looking forward to this week. First, I need to get myself into shape for Superbrawl. At first there was nothing to write home about. It was me and Wayne versus the Chemical Reaction. Woo-hoo! And then we had the Survivors added. That is one hell of a tag match right there. Epic! *Barf* Seriously, those annoying little twits were as good as dead. And still are.
But we move forward, with Obo and a mystery partner, who would most likely Pierce our hearts. And now it gets interesting... who is this mystery man? How did Obo get out of his match against Draven? WHo really gives a flying
?Draven was never anything. I know, I was there, I saw his patheticness first hand. He builds up these big promos, acting like he's coming to end Obo's career or whatever. I don't know, the guy puts me to sleep. And the company builds it up. Johnny Parker gets his little promotional machine running behind this match. But what does it end up being, a bigger flop than Gigli. Absolutely no one wanted to see that.
So Obo wanders over to our side of the court. And he has a secret little friend who is ready for his close-up Mr Deville... I mean DeMille... oops. And they want to step into the tag title match. Well, as long as you two make sure you have no prior commitments hanging over your heads, I am happy to have you. Should be fun. And I am saying that honestly. See, I'm an ass hole... Wayne is an ass hole... Obo's an ass hole... Hell, I bet Mystery Man is an ass hole.
And so, I know now, one of us will come out on top. Just which side is still to be determined.
But I am not just looking at this match as a tune up for Superbrawl, but I am looking beyond. I proved last week, I can beat a champion. Now, I am going to beat a... well I guess my point is lost, considering it is Jay Mayhem we are talking about.
What kind of a name is Mayhem anyways? Its the name of my show. Metal Mayhem. It's one of my old nicknames from back in the day. "The Master of Mayhem." Am I your master Jay? But when all is said and done, this week two things will be shown. Number One: I am dominant in that ring, and I am the Master of Mayhem. And Number Two: Jay Mayhem is just a little punk with a sad attempt at intimidation in his name.
Sorry to cut this blog short guys. I know you love staring at this ugly mug, but I got to get to lunch with the other Axis members. It's going to be a blast, staring across that table, listening to how much of a
up I am. But... I'll see you guys later.******
The damning looks they are giving me is enough to drive anyone insane. Michael, Wayne, Kat. All looking at me with a weird mixture of anger and disappointment, like I am some teenage kid who just brought home a suspension letter.
"Kurt, I reckon we don't know what to do about this." Wayne stared into my eyes. That overwhelming feeling washes over me, the same it did that night. Regret. It's a real bitch.
"I honestly don't know what to say to you Kurt. It feels like we're treading water, running in circles."
Bullcrap Kat... you haven't said one damn word to me since this incident, so don't act all concerned now. Go back to your intellectually- disabled person brother and molly coddle him just a little bit more.
"Look, I
ed up. Okay, I get it. But we all screw up at some point in our lives...""Don't rationalize this Kurt. You broke the rules Wayne and Kat put forward. The conditions of you being here. You had to be clean, and sober, period. End of discussion."
I really hate you sometimes Michael. Why do you always have to be so right.
"Listen, I haven't made a descision yet. Yer living situation, that may be a whole nother matter. But right now... I need you to come clean."
"Shoot big man."
I could tell the wheels were spinning big time. He was trying to find the most delicate way to put this.
"How many times have you fallen off the wagon?"
"Honestly... once."
"I don't believe that," Michael piped up. "I saw the way you were acting at the mall, you were definately on something."
I shoot him a glance that I hoped would kill him.
"Michael, I reckon a lot of this was brought on by trust issues. Now I would appreciate it if you could accept what Kurt is saying, at least for right now."
Thank You Wayne!
"Was it just booze?"
"Yes."
"Have you entered treatment?"
"I am not going back to rehab."
"I didn't say that did I?"
My head falls forward, making a dash for the table. I have no idea how to respond to this.
"Look, I can't go to AA. By definition, our lives are chaotic. We are on the road about three quarters of the year. How would I get a sponsor, how would I attend meetings?"
"See, rationalizations." Michale looked at Wayne with thatsmug know it all look he gets sometimes.
"Hey, Mikey, for a guy I've spent close to a year with, you really don't know me too well do you. You can sit here, and yap away talking about my irresponsibility and my rationalizations... but try not to let any of those glass shards hit ya on the way down."
"What does that mean?"
"I told you not to throw stones in a glass house."
"Let's not try to let it get personal guys..." Wayne was almost as stunned as the rest of us when Kat spoke up.
"Who is Trixie Kurt?" The pain on her face, the tear running down her cheek, and I felt it, I felt every ounce of it.
"You said she was your sister, but you have never talked about your sister before. WHo is she!"
I felt a slug in the gut, and I could not respond. I sat dumbfounded at her fire and energy. It always caught me by surprise. I tried to think, I tried to respond, but my normally quick tongue was trapped under the weight of my lies.
"Kat, please calm down." Wayne tried to soothe her with his kind gaze, but she stood up.
"I'm sorry. I have to go."
She stood up, and without another word, she was gone. The only trait of hers I didn't love. When the going got tough, her legs got fast.
"Look Kurt, I do not want you to feel like you are under attack." You have done a really good job of that Michael. "We are here because we care about you." The politician smile.
"No, you are here because... I am sorry, this would be the time I come up with some semi-witty quip, but I can't do it right now. Why the hell do you two only seem to care when I
up. I care when you guys aren't. I call, I come over. Did you realize neither one of you have been to Kat and my's place? Do you even know what city it is in?"I check their reactions, I can't tell if it is apathy or what, but neither one of them is moving to speak.
"The simple fact of the matter is, I am going through some rough times. And it is great to know that my friends, two guys that I brought together, two men that I molded into the Axis... They haven't been there for me. Great. Love you two. But then when I make a mistake, they want to breathe down my neck about it, and talk to me like some goddamn two year old."
The concern on Wayne's face grew, as he looked up at me. I guess I didn't even know I was on my feet yet.
"But believe me, if I wanted to rehash mistakes, I could write volumes on you two. SO do I really want to take life advice from a guy who is too busy playing grab ass with his wife to notice that his kid needs some sort of stability in her life? Wayne, is Scarlet even in school? Or do I want to take advice from Mister Michael Mass Murder him
ing self?""Sit down Kurt!" Wayne spoke with authority this time. I must have hit a nerve. Throw that into the ever increasing mountain of regret.
"Wayne, I am sorry, but I cannot do this right now. If you want to fire me, fire me. If you want to pull me from SUperBrawl, I am sure Possessed Child would fly back from Japan to surrogate. But I cannot do this..."
I blazed to the door. Before I left, I could here Michael murmur.
"One time, I wish he wouldn't cause a scene."
