Live Show RP-Dinner Date

[The Mayhem is Commin]

When one becomes fed up he should no longer persue that area and just begin anew

Dinner Date

Malcolm and Kim are seen in a local restraunt in Milwaukee as they are being seated a waiter with a crummy French accent hands them two crummy and ugly looking menus, these menus look as if the had been washed with a fat mans spit and rubbed on his bare ass. They look at the menus and ask the waiter to bring them some clean ones please

Malcolm-Excuse me sir, Could we get some clean menus

Waiter-Oh sure right away.

The waiter grabs the menus and scurries away like a little puppy dog with his tail between his legs to grab some more menus. He comes back about five minutes later with the exact same menus except now they are soaking wet like they had just been trough a hurricane and cover with soap bubbles. Malcolm drops the menu and stands up and stares at the waiter right in his face and demands.

Malcolm-Sir these are the same damn menus you gave us earlier.

Waiter-No there not there fresh new.

Malcolm-No there are still crumbs from ten customers stuck on it and its soaking wet with soap bubbles.

Waiter-Well I’m sorry sir but that’s all we have.

Malcolm-Bring me your manager right now.

Waiter-You’re looking at him

Malcolm-Wait what you’re the manager

Malcolm begins to laugh hysterically

Waiter-Yes yes I am

Malcolm (While laughing)-Well can we get some dry menus and some service.

Waiter-Right away.

The waiter soon returns with the same menus again just dried off this time and Malcolm just decides to screw it and order away. He begins to search the menu for something that sounds appetizing. As he looks he sees some familiar names but not the usual descriptions as for example a French dip is some random roasted meat slapped on a hoagie bun with onions to smother it in. As Malcolm looks more the waiter comes up.

Waiter-Are you ready to order?

Malcolm looks at Kim and she shakes her head and Malcolm turns to the waiter and says…

Malcolm-Is anything healthy cause I’ve got a pregnant wife with twins over there and she’s due in two months so she aint happy.

Waiter-Well I’m sorry, but we usually serve to hoboes who don’t care what the food is.

Malcolm-Well that’s a good cause but I don’t care we want to eat.

Waiter-Well what would you like?

Malcolm-Real Food

The waiter looks confused as Malcolm grabs Kim’s hand and begins to leave. But as they reach the door the waiter asks them to stop.

Waiter-Well since your leaving could you hand out some flyers for me.

Malcolm-No the only thing I’m gonna do for you is report you to the health department, and every other department in this world.

Malcolm and Kim storm out and hope into Malcolm’s hummer and drive off back to the hotel as they arrive they decide to order some pizza instead. They order one large bacon cheese burger. And a family size order of cheese sticks. In about half an hour after Malcolm has returned with some bottled water and some movies to watch.

Jay pays for the pizza and sits down on the bed and begins to eat as Kim puts in the Simpsons movie. They both eat and begin to talking.

Malcolm-So how are the babies doing?

Kim-Well the boy is supposedly stronger than the girl right now but the doctor said a bunch can change in two months.

Malcolm-Lets hope that girl will get a little stronger.

Kim-Yeah. Well are you looking forward to facing Kurt soon.

Malcolm-Yeah I am looking forward to it he’s an awesome wrestler and has great skill in the ring so it will be interesting to see what happens.

Kim-Well I’ll be right there cheering you on.

Malcolm-Yeah well I was thinking. If worst comes at Superbrawl and I’m still on the house shows I might talk to our soon to be new owner Thunder about something.

Kim-What?

Malcolm-Well to give me more of a break mainly so I can help you out with the kids.

Kim-No I wont allow you to start throwing away your dream of making it all the way in this business.

Malcolm-But you’ve done so much for me but I’ve done nothing to help you out or the kids so I wanna help. And I’m not quitting I’m just gonna ask for more time off so I can spend more time with them, cause I don’t want them to grow up and never see there dad. Like me.

Kim-You had a dad yet he was your step dad but still he was there for you and so was your real dad once you met him.

Malcolm-I guess your right but I still want time with them.

Kim-Well lets discuss this more after Superbrawl ok.

Malcolm-Ok babe

They kiss and snuggle up and continue to watch the movie.

END

[kingofgoreobo]

seriously..


seriously..


WHAT THE ?

have you listened to NOTHING THAT ANYONE at all has said within the last, what, two years you've been here? I remember you were here in the time of the New Breed tournament.. then disappeared and came back like a year ago.. why in the name of God are you still putting out stuff like this?

This is unbelievably bad. This is more of a joke type deal than the actual joke charecters of the fed.. there were points where I honestly thought I WAS reading one of the joke charecters of the fed.. The stuff with the first restraunt.. seriously some of the hokiest stuff I have ever read.. the same menu over and over.. seriously.. SERIOUSLY..

did you just sit down and TRY to write the worst roleplay you could? This is like the stuff EBR did as King Kraig, only real..

My apologies if this is unbelievably harsh and down right mean, but you've been here for an incredibly long time.. You've been here LONGER than half of the upper echolon of the fed. you predate Kurt Burton by a good month, and if we're counting your initial run, you predate everyone sans EBR, Alex, myself, and Yukio. There is NO reason for you to be putting out stuff like this..

[sonstuds]

jaymayhem said:

Waiter-Well I’m sorry, but we usually serve to hoboes who don’t care what the food is.

Malcolm-Well that’s a good cause but I don’t care we want to teat.

Waiter-Well what would you like?

Malcolm-Real Food

The waiter looks confused as Malcolm grabs Kim’s hand and begins to leave. But as they reach the door the waiter asks them to stop.

Waiter-Well since your leaving could you hand out some flyers for me.

I have no idea what's going on but Obo was a little mean. I mean, every one here has conflicts in their RPs. There was Deville vs. the Devil, Burton vs. alcoholism, and now Jay Mayhem vs. dirty menus.

...Sorry.

I can honestly tell you I was entertained, however.

[Thunder]

Obo was harsh, but completely right. This really did feel like a parody RP, from the stupid premise to do doing nearly everything you're not supposed to do in an RP.

Your lack of progress was bad to begin with, but it's even worse now that I know you were here quite awhile ago. Honestly, right now you're one of these guys we've got that seems to brush off feedback. I only say that because there's been no progress in your RPs really ever. I've ragged on Jake about this before, but he's made the effort to improve now and it shows. You need to make an attempt to do the same.

[The Mayhem is Commin]

ok first of all ive only been here since june guys and i wasnt here before then ever onceand ive had a ruff week and im gonna be gone thursdayt-saturday so i whipped something togghter really quick that i tought was pretty good but if you all wann abe ass holes fine be that way i dont care

[kingofgoreobo]

I rechecked past results, and it seems I was mistaken about a previous run.

even by only being here since June, it's absolutely pathetic how little you have improved. That's eight months, almost or over nine, depending when you started. To still be doing roleplays of this quality after being here THAT long is really sad..

you've got constructive critism after constructive critism until we are all blue in the face. I know I personally have left you a good 15-20 replies of stuff that needs to be fixed, needs to be changed, or is frankly just plain stupid. Thunder has done the same, and I'm pretty sure you were the one that Calvin flat gave up on.

your excuse of just whipping something up real quick is pretty hokey, considering you said you'd be gone Thursday through Saturday. Then why was this posted Monday? What on Earth does being gone for a weekend have to do with posting a poor roleplay on a Monday?

I'll leave more constructive critism though, and I'll take it as if I have never read a roleplay of your's before, and this is the very first roleplay you have ever written, because that's what it reads like.

Your descriptions really don't make much sense. The first thought of description is one extremely long run on sentence of a setting, followed by a thought, seperated by a comma. Somewhere, a fourth grade grammar teacher has one tear following down his or her face, ala the Indian on polluting.

The opening speech is equally hokey. with a downright emotionless argument between Malcom (who I am not even entirely sure who he is, considering your two charecters are named Jay and Kay, but I'll ignore that for the sake of continuing) and the waiter. The lack of emotion and the downright under descriptive words murder this dialog. It reads like an 80s C movie.

The conversation about the food, once the war of the menus through, is absolutely confusing and really serves no purpose. the guy downs his own food when asked if they have anything healthy, which to any normal person, would be a good time to turn and leave, especially when feeding someone pregnant. Instead, Malcom says he doesn't care what kind of food it is, which begs the question why he asked in the first place.

the bit about the flyers just reads as a massive inside joke the likes of a Create-a-Wrestler. It literally serves NO purpose, long or short term, in the roleplay. I'd say it's just there to add bulk to the roleplay, but it's not even long.

The bit about exactly what the pizza is and that they watch the Simpsons movie comes off like something from a King Kraig roleplay. Corny and serves no purpose, long or short term. It seems like this is an attempt at description, but doesn't describe anything that might interest the reader, or help them to understand anything.

The mandatory match referance comes off as forced and is exactly what people poke fun at, and seems to be just that, extremely forced and to break up the scene.

The end comes abruptly and doesn't really leave any message, other than Malcom has a problem with menus, which really begs the question who exactly Malcom and Kim are, and why they were in this roleplay, since it was never addressed who your charecter is, why he relates, what this is relevant to, or anything.

READ OTHER ROLEPLAYS ON HERE! I'm not talking house showers who really have no idea what they are doing. read Wayne McGurk.. Calvin Lee.. The Deville.. Myself.. EBR.. Try to pick up something or at least gain a small feel of what you're supposed to be doing. it really seems that in the eight months that you've been here, that you haven't done that much, if at all, and haven't listened to the advice those people have given you. this reflects negatively on your roleplay quality, which haven't improved at all in the time you've been here.

[The Mayhem is Commin]

ok obo i accept ur apology and malcolm is Jay mayhem malcolm is his real nameand Kim is his wife but since you have never read any of my rps i guess you wouldnt know that so i'm ok with that but i hve to get rteady for this weekend and yesterday was the only day i had time to work on thecomputer before im gone, so if ya wanna bitch at me i've got a good reason for being gone so bitch away if you want to

[Thunder]

It's good that at least you've shown us all that you're not going to listen to feedback based on your responses to the constructive criticism presented here.

[Calvin]

ya I gave up on him a ong time ago. It still ages me how he beat me that one week..

Dude, even if you are busyt a week, I haven't ever seen any reply fromy ou in and wfwf loaded rp. That's swhat obo is talking about. House shows I've seen you reply in. But really, how is that suppose to hel pyou improve seeing as they are doing the same thing as you. Read rps, as obo said (and thanks for using me as an example ) and learn. Obo's telling you the brutal truth.. even if it is extremely brutal.