Post by DGX on Jan 10, 2008 21:55:34 GMT -5
It just never fails. No matter how many times I do it, no matter how many times I prove myself, I'm forever a prisoner of a stereotype. And not only that, I'm a prisoner of a freakin nightmare, a nightmare you ask? Yeah, a real freakin time. See not that long ago I lost my grandfather, don't get me wrong, it was a huge loss. He was a cruel, nasty, and extremely insensitive bastard to me growing up but why shouldn't he have been? I was a constant reminder to him of his first failure at parenthood. They always have told me time and time again that of all the parent child relationships, the one that cuts deepest is father-daughter. And while dad did his best with my mother growing up, she had left him and mom in spite to go out and make her way in the "real world." Whatever the hell that meant. Long of the short of it, the real world chewed her up and spit her out but she was too proud to admit it to them, even had the gall when she accidently got knocked up with me to have me and then just drop me in their laps and expect them to look after me. And of course they did, mom would have insisted she's such a wonderful woman.
But what a slap in the face of dad. Dropping to him a constant reminder of how badly he'd failed, about how completely she screwed up. No apologies, no nothing just dropped me and went right back out there to get her ass handed to her yet again. It's no wonder he punished me as often as he did, but for the longest time I thought it was just me. I'd had alot of time to reflect since hearing that the old guy had kicked the bucket, and the more I thought it over, the more Roxy and I talked it through, the more I realized that in the only way he knew how he was just trying to do right by me. And to my shame, I hated him for it. Our relationship was always strained at best, how many times had Roxy asked me to try and sit down, talk it through with him? And how many times had I told her that was stupid, that men don't do things that way. Ya know it's kind of funny but I almost wonder if he and mom had the same kind of discussions. God love women, always trying to make things right in the family and between friends.
And now, now my life just took another swerve. I can barely find words, I have no idea what to do, but I'm face to face with the hand that slapped my grandfather's face day after day with my presence and I honestly have no idea what to say. I'm revolted...
"“Jonathan, is that anyway to look upon your mother?”
I can't keep the disgust from my face. The bile rising in my throat. That ignorant, bubble headed, jetsless dolly! The nerve she had to even remotely show her face...
"Cut the gas and cut out! You're not wanted here!"
My words sting her, and all I feel is that's appropriate. They were meant to!
"Johnny..." she begins.
"No!" I sharply bark, cutting her off. "You don't get to explain. You don't get to talk, what you get to do is leave!"
Now her eyes blaze in anger as she raises her tone to me, trying to take the authoritative mother stance with me. Like that's going to work! Biologically she may be the woman who birthed me, but that's ALL she did!
"Look here young man, he was MY father!" She shouts.
"No, he wasn't! He was MINE. You, were nothing but a disappointment! You slapped him in the face every single day I grew up just by me being with him! Why?! Because YOU couldn't handle yourself! You're a SCREW UP! That's all you've EVER been! And everyday he was hard on me, everytime I had a hard lesson to learn, it was him doing his best to make amends with himself for YOU! The only thing I wish you could have been present for, that I could have been there to see, would be when I told him what I pray to GOD he realized and that is that YOU failed HIM. Not the other way. It was you, the giant failure with stars in her big dumb eyes that wanted more than you could have been happy with here!"
I can't contain the vitrol, I can't contain the anger, it explodes out of me like a freaking supernova. I am freaking frosted! Spit flies from my mouth as I press ever closer to this woman, this thing that claims to be a part of MY family. She dares to try and take a mother stance with ME?! Only one woman would ever be able to get away with that and that is the woman who raised me! And right away I see why she fails, she can't even stay angry, she can't take the verbal barrage I sent spewing her way and come back with anything. Why? Because she knows it's all true. And she does what she does best...her posture slumps and tremors rack her body as she cries. But her sobs and whimpers evoke no sympathy...she's earned everything she's gotten. My voice lowers to a quiet menace...
"You'd best be cutting out. Making tracks. Put an egg in your shoe and beat it. That sooner you're outta here fream, the sooner things are Fat City. And don't you dare see mom. Save your shuckster sympathy, send a card or flowers if it makes you feel better...but primarily, get out."
She still stands there crying. Shivering. A complete mess, the fury in my eyes remains, the anger palpable. Another sob gets my attention, and I turn suprised. I had thought we were alone. It's mom. How long she's been standing there I don't know, maybe she saw the whole thing, maybe she didn't. I just wanted to protect her, she didn't need anymore of this. I start towards her but my biological mom catches sight of her and for a moment we all freeze. Then my "mom" runs to mom and the two women embrace, mom holding her only child in her arms as she's racked with sobs. I struggle to find words but I have no idea what is happening here...
"M...mom? What are you doin? She's..." I can't even form a complete sentence I'm at such a loss. It's the eyes mom looks at me with, not accusing, not angry, not upset. The most furious eyes in the world couldn't hurt me more than the eyes she gazes upon me with, and those are the saddest eyes in the world. "Mom" still whimpers and sobs in Mom's arms, and finally Mom finds her voice, it is quiet and sorrowful, almost reflective.
"Oh Jonathan, you're just like he was."
And instantly the world stopped. Everything. Roxy, my title, my job, my matches, all of it fell off the face of the Earth to the revelation I had never once in a million years considered. Dad had been how he was with me, to her? He had dressed her down, had the same unkind words, pushed and bullied her around, as much as he did me? And suddenly two terrible truths clicked into place within the confines of my brain, the jets turned on and it all of a sudden made sense. Of course he had been that way with her, for the same reason he had been that way with me. He had wanted her to be able to defend herself, to be tough and ready for whatever the world threw at her, he wanted her to feel safe with herself. And all he'd done is destroyed her self confidence and left her a dependent, whimpering shell of a woman. And another thing came to mind...all my anger towards her, all my displaced vitrol founded on a lie. A lie nobody had told me, but I'd created for myself, that no one had bothered to ever correct. Someone like my biological mother would not willingly leave unless...
No. I can't...I can't deal with this. I can't find words. I can't see this...I turn away, away from my sobbing "mother", away from my mom's sad, accusing eyes. And I just run. I barely her mom's cry after me...I don't stop. I can't stop...I can't face it!
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I'm in a small motel. Nobody has an idea where I am. My phone has rung nonstop. Mom. Roxy. Mom. Roxy. I can't do it. I can't talk to anyone, I can't do this. I can't take being told what I already know to be true, I just can't deal with this right now. I need to get away, I need to get back into something else! My job! I sit down at a computer, looks like Burton my opponent has posted something. Might serve as useful for scouting him...I click the link.
Several minutes later, the video ends. And that same white hot fury I felt is right back. Grease? Lords of Flatbush? Happy Days? This little nosebleed is really trying to frost me! He things that his little threat about not caring and being mean is something that has me concerned? What will it take for the entire roster of the WFWF to get it?! I'm not a joke! I'm not some stuck in the past, knock off of bad movies! It's my way of freaking life! I am undefeated in that dump! I am the International champion in that place! I have beaten and indeed knocked out some of the biggest stars that place has ever had to offer. And this little fream thinks he's going to have a big tickle at MY expense?
Wrong day. Wrong place. Wrong time pal.
Apparently knocking out Yukio Blaze and nearly taking out Reverand Shadow isn't enough of a message for those grody freams so, congratulations Mr. Burton. These Happy Days will indeed be mine, not so much yours. I need a release, I need an outlet, something to escape into. And pounding in your ridiculous face with knuckle sandwiches, creaming you until you're totaled, well that fits the bill just fine. In fact, it'll be boss!
I sit back in the chair and for the first time all day allow myself a smile, lost in my illuminations. The phone has rang so incessantly now it's almost background noise. But the people in that world, they don't exist right now. Eventually I'll need to face the music, but not until I'm ready. Get the car prepped, hop it up, go back to the WFWF and make mincemeat outta Kurt Burton it'll be a good little kick. His broken carcass lying on the mat will look good and kill with the boys, who will likely continue to mock me for my way of life. That's just fine. You keep laughin boys, I'll just keep winning. I look at the time...sleep may be a decent idea. My head hits the pillow and after the day I've had...I'm gone moment it happens.
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A ringing sound forces my eyes open. Groggily, I pick up my phone and lift it to my ear and grunt...
"What?!"
"Baby! I'm glad I caught you! Mom told me everything that happened are you okay?! Where are you?!" Roxy's voice is paniced, frantic almost yet laced with releif at hearing him alive. I sit up and glance at the clock, 4:19am.
"Yeah babe, I'm just..." I don't have full idea where I am or what I'm doing at the moment, fatigue and the emotional exhaustion of yesterday have set in. It all more or less sinks into place..."I'm just up at one of the motels. Sleeping."
"Have you taken anything?" Roxy's voice is sharp, pierceing. She's after and honest answer and wants to break through any kind of residual buzz he may have.
"No, didn't take anything baby. Didn't even drink, just checked on some things for work and then went to bed. Look, I know mom told you what happened and I promise we will all eventually sit down and talk about it. But not now. Not right away, I'm getting up and getting the car ready, we're due to the arena tomorrow night for an appointment with a gentlemen who apparently finds me amusing. Who knows, maybe I'll crack a joke or two as I'm cracking his skull. I'm coming by the house, is mom asleep?"
"Yeah baby, both of them are."
"Sweetheart," a small bit of a chill enters my voice, "please don't call that woman that ever. Whatever her story, she's never been a mother to me. That's fact."
"Alright." Roxy, she always understands and indulges me. Despite this mess, she's still a Godsend to me.
"Right, I'll swing by and pick you up. You want to come with me or stay with mom?"
"No babe, where you go I go. My place is at your side, that's what mom told me, that's where I intend to be."
That actually causes a smile.
"Kay, be sure to be quiet when leaving. Wake neither of them...I'll be there in twenty minutes. Be waiting."
"I love you baby."
A long pause. Damn that man, he was such...I don't even know anymore. I have no idea what to think. Burton. Focus on showing Burton how much of a punchline you are.
Sorry old man, sometimes old ways need to be changed as the situation calls for it...
"Baby?" I can tell I've caught Roxy off guard, she was getting ready to hang up, another declaration of affection met with chilly silence.
"Yes?"
"I love ya to. I'll be there soon." I hang up the phone and get out of bed getting ready, a smile on my face as I head to my car. Once again...it's showtime.
But what a slap in the face of dad. Dropping to him a constant reminder of how badly he'd failed, about how completely she screwed up. No apologies, no nothing just dropped me and went right back out there to get her ass handed to her yet again. It's no wonder he punished me as often as he did, but for the longest time I thought it was just me. I'd had alot of time to reflect since hearing that the old guy had kicked the bucket, and the more I thought it over, the more Roxy and I talked it through, the more I realized that in the only way he knew how he was just trying to do right by me. And to my shame, I hated him for it. Our relationship was always strained at best, how many times had Roxy asked me to try and sit down, talk it through with him? And how many times had I told her that was stupid, that men don't do things that way. Ya know it's kind of funny but I almost wonder if he and mom had the same kind of discussions. God love women, always trying to make things right in the family and between friends.
And now, now my life just took another swerve. I can barely find words, I have no idea what to do, but I'm face to face with the hand that slapped my grandfather's face day after day with my presence and I honestly have no idea what to say. I'm revolted...
"“Jonathan, is that anyway to look upon your mother?”
I can't keep the disgust from my face. The bile rising in my throat. That ignorant, bubble headed, jetsless dolly! The nerve she had to even remotely show her face...
"Cut the gas and cut out! You're not wanted here!"
My words sting her, and all I feel is that's appropriate. They were meant to!
"Johnny..." she begins.
"No!" I sharply bark, cutting her off. "You don't get to explain. You don't get to talk, what you get to do is leave!"
Now her eyes blaze in anger as she raises her tone to me, trying to take the authoritative mother stance with me. Like that's going to work! Biologically she may be the woman who birthed me, but that's ALL she did!
"Look here young man, he was MY father!" She shouts.
"No, he wasn't! He was MINE. You, were nothing but a disappointment! You slapped him in the face every single day I grew up just by me being with him! Why?! Because YOU couldn't handle yourself! You're a SCREW UP! That's all you've EVER been! And everyday he was hard on me, everytime I had a hard lesson to learn, it was him doing his best to make amends with himself for YOU! The only thing I wish you could have been present for, that I could have been there to see, would be when I told him what I pray to GOD he realized and that is that YOU failed HIM. Not the other way. It was you, the giant failure with stars in her big dumb eyes that wanted more than you could have been happy with here!"
I can't contain the vitrol, I can't contain the anger, it explodes out of me like a freaking supernova. I am freaking frosted! Spit flies from my mouth as I press ever closer to this woman, this thing that claims to be a part of MY family. She dares to try and take a mother stance with ME?! Only one woman would ever be able to get away with that and that is the woman who raised me! And right away I see why she fails, she can't even stay angry, she can't take the verbal barrage I sent spewing her way and come back with anything. Why? Because she knows it's all true. And she does what she does best...her posture slumps and tremors rack her body as she cries. But her sobs and whimpers evoke no sympathy...she's earned everything she's gotten. My voice lowers to a quiet menace...
"You'd best be cutting out. Making tracks. Put an egg in your shoe and beat it. That sooner you're outta here fream, the sooner things are Fat City. And don't you dare see mom. Save your shuckster sympathy, send a card or flowers if it makes you feel better...but primarily, get out."
She still stands there crying. Shivering. A complete mess, the fury in my eyes remains, the anger palpable. Another sob gets my attention, and I turn suprised. I had thought we were alone. It's mom. How long she's been standing there I don't know, maybe she saw the whole thing, maybe she didn't. I just wanted to protect her, she didn't need anymore of this. I start towards her but my biological mom catches sight of her and for a moment we all freeze. Then my "mom" runs to mom and the two women embrace, mom holding her only child in her arms as she's racked with sobs. I struggle to find words but I have no idea what is happening here...
"M...mom? What are you doin? She's..." I can't even form a complete sentence I'm at such a loss. It's the eyes mom looks at me with, not accusing, not angry, not upset. The most furious eyes in the world couldn't hurt me more than the eyes she gazes upon me with, and those are the saddest eyes in the world. "Mom" still whimpers and sobs in Mom's arms, and finally Mom finds her voice, it is quiet and sorrowful, almost reflective.
"Oh Jonathan, you're just like he was."
And instantly the world stopped. Everything. Roxy, my title, my job, my matches, all of it fell off the face of the Earth to the revelation I had never once in a million years considered. Dad had been how he was with me, to her? He had dressed her down, had the same unkind words, pushed and bullied her around, as much as he did me? And suddenly two terrible truths clicked into place within the confines of my brain, the jets turned on and it all of a sudden made sense. Of course he had been that way with her, for the same reason he had been that way with me. He had wanted her to be able to defend herself, to be tough and ready for whatever the world threw at her, he wanted her to feel safe with herself. And all he'd done is destroyed her self confidence and left her a dependent, whimpering shell of a woman. And another thing came to mind...all my anger towards her, all my displaced vitrol founded on a lie. A lie nobody had told me, but I'd created for myself, that no one had bothered to ever correct. Someone like my biological mother would not willingly leave unless...
No. I can't...I can't deal with this. I can't find words. I can't see this...I turn away, away from my sobbing "mother", away from my mom's sad, accusing eyes. And I just run. I barely her mom's cry after me...I don't stop. I can't stop...I can't face it!
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I'm in a small motel. Nobody has an idea where I am. My phone has rung nonstop. Mom. Roxy. Mom. Roxy. I can't do it. I can't talk to anyone, I can't do this. I can't take being told what I already know to be true, I just can't deal with this right now. I need to get away, I need to get back into something else! My job! I sit down at a computer, looks like Burton my opponent has posted something. Might serve as useful for scouting him...I click the link.
Several minutes later, the video ends. And that same white hot fury I felt is right back. Grease? Lords of Flatbush? Happy Days? This little nosebleed is really trying to frost me! He things that his little threat about not caring and being mean is something that has me concerned? What will it take for the entire roster of the WFWF to get it?! I'm not a joke! I'm not some stuck in the past, knock off of bad movies! It's my way of freaking life! I am undefeated in that dump! I am the International champion in that place! I have beaten and indeed knocked out some of the biggest stars that place has ever had to offer. And this little fream thinks he's going to have a big tickle at MY expense?
Wrong day. Wrong place. Wrong time pal.
Apparently knocking out Yukio Blaze and nearly taking out Reverand Shadow isn't enough of a message for those grody freams so, congratulations Mr. Burton. These Happy Days will indeed be mine, not so much yours. I need a release, I need an outlet, something to escape into. And pounding in your ridiculous face with knuckle sandwiches, creaming you until you're totaled, well that fits the bill just fine. In fact, it'll be boss!
I sit back in the chair and for the first time all day allow myself a smile, lost in my illuminations. The phone has rang so incessantly now it's almost background noise. But the people in that world, they don't exist right now. Eventually I'll need to face the music, but not until I'm ready. Get the car prepped, hop it up, go back to the WFWF and make mincemeat outta Kurt Burton it'll be a good little kick. His broken carcass lying on the mat will look good and kill with the boys, who will likely continue to mock me for my way of life. That's just fine. You keep laughin boys, I'll just keep winning. I look at the time...sleep may be a decent idea. My head hits the pillow and after the day I've had...I'm gone moment it happens.
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A ringing sound forces my eyes open. Groggily, I pick up my phone and lift it to my ear and grunt...
"What?!"
"Baby! I'm glad I caught you! Mom told me everything that happened are you okay?! Where are you?!" Roxy's voice is paniced, frantic almost yet laced with releif at hearing him alive. I sit up and glance at the clock, 4:19am.
"Yeah babe, I'm just..." I don't have full idea where I am or what I'm doing at the moment, fatigue and the emotional exhaustion of yesterday have set in. It all more or less sinks into place..."I'm just up at one of the motels. Sleeping."
"Have you taken anything?" Roxy's voice is sharp, pierceing. She's after and honest answer and wants to break through any kind of residual buzz he may have.
"No, didn't take anything baby. Didn't even drink, just checked on some things for work and then went to bed. Look, I know mom told you what happened and I promise we will all eventually sit down and talk about it. But not now. Not right away, I'm getting up and getting the car ready, we're due to the arena tomorrow night for an appointment with a gentlemen who apparently finds me amusing. Who knows, maybe I'll crack a joke or two as I'm cracking his skull. I'm coming by the house, is mom asleep?"
"Yeah baby, both of them are."
"Sweetheart," a small bit of a chill enters my voice, "please don't call that woman that ever. Whatever her story, she's never been a mother to me. That's fact."
"Alright." Roxy, she always understands and indulges me. Despite this mess, she's still a Godsend to me.
"Right, I'll swing by and pick you up. You want to come with me or stay with mom?"
"No babe, where you go I go. My place is at your side, that's what mom told me, that's where I intend to be."
That actually causes a smile.
"Kay, be sure to be quiet when leaving. Wake neither of them...I'll be there in twenty minutes. Be waiting."
"I love you baby."
A long pause. Damn that man, he was such...I don't even know anymore. I have no idea what to think. Burton. Focus on showing Burton how much of a punchline you are.
Sorry old man, sometimes old ways need to be changed as the situation calls for it...
"Baby?" I can tell I've caught Roxy off guard, she was getting ready to hang up, another declaration of affection met with chilly silence.
"Yes?"
"I love ya to. I'll be there soon." I hang up the phone and get out of bed getting ready, a smile on my face as I head to my car. Once again...it's showtime.
