Loaded RP: Under Control?

[One Love]

This was it. This was going to end tonight. Project Hardcore. Tonight, I face BJ Rocker in a no dq match, in opening contest of Loaded. They think were gonna stink up the show with our unorthodox styles. They think were gonna be the “bathroom break” of the show. That’s why they put us at the bottom of the card. Well, I’ll sure show management. Don’t know about BJ though.

The lockeroom, so dark and quiet. I can’t get over it. I look in the mirror, the blood on my hands, realizing that in two hours, it’s go time. So BJ, get your head in the game.

But I can’t stop thinking about these events in the past week. It’s just been so weird, between BJ turning on me, Shawn’s injury, and the birth certificates.[\b]

~Flashback to HS 41~

Suddenly "Through Fire and Flames" by Dragon Force began to play over the loudspeaker. David Williams ran down to the ring fully charged to have a little fun with Flamez. The two started brawling like crazy. Suddenly Williams new partner High Horror ran down to the ring with two lead pipes, one for Williams, and beat down on Flamez. Flamez screamed in pain when BJ Rocker ran down with a barbed wire bat. Chemical Reaction retreated when BJ hit the ring. When CR was backstage, BJ turned around and beat on Flamez! He called the Mayhem Bros down and it looks like this match would begin, beat down style!

~Back To Present~

That, there, was pure genius in BJ’s peanut of a brain. But after the match, which I won with the assistance of my brother, was a shocking message.

~Back To HS 41~

Shawn: Well, I'm back!!!! With some bad news. Last week, the doctor told me something depressing. I can't wrestle anymore.[/i]

The crowd gasped in amazement. Some people started chanting "WE LOVE YOU SHAWN!"

Shawn: But, he said, I can wrestle one more match. So I talked to Yukio about it, and he loved. He let me name the place, match type, and match. So for two weeks, this week and next, I will leave hints about it. Then the third week I will reveal it. This weeks hint, it's gonna be at a big place, it's a tag team match, and things might get a little messy.

Shawn dropped the mic and walked backstage. Flamez looked on in amazement.

~Back To Present~

That was probably one of the biggest shocks of my life. So I talked to Shawn a few days ago, where I got another shock.

~Conversation Between Shawn And Flamez~

There was a ton of racket on Beech Drive North in River Edge, New Jersey that had all the neighbors wondering. There was a lot of yelling coming out of 123 Beech Drive North, which was the WFWF Wrestler’s Flamez house. All this racket came from the huge kitchen in that house.

Flamez: Why didn’t you tell me about you injury?

Shawn: Well maybe you were too busy defending our so called “parents” to listen!

Flamez: Look, I’m sorry.

Shawn: No your not!

Flamez: Yes I am!

Shawn: Prove it.

Flamez: How?

Shawn: For one, approve of my match of choice at Superbrawl.

Flamez: I don’t even know what it is?

Shawn moved closer to Flamez and whispered it in his ear. Flamez had a huge grin on his face.

Shawn: Are you in?

Flamez: No duh. I’m with you 100%.

Shawn: Good. Oh, by the way, I have a little something for you.

Shawn went into the living room very slowly. He walked back into the kitchen with a big orange envelope. He slammed down on the table and slid it towards Flamez. He looked at it suspiciously.

Flamez: Whats this?

Shawn: Open it.

Flamez picked the envelope slowly and cautiously. He looked at it. It was his and and his brothers birth certificates.

Flamez: Whats this for?

Shawn: That’s the real birth certificates, the one from the “fake” parents. They look real. Now look at these. The ones from our “real” parents. These look fake, like there from the computer.

Flamez: Where did you get these?

Shawn: The chest.

Flamez: The one in my basement?

Shawn: That’s right.

Flamez: You mean you snuck in here?

Shawn: Look, bro, I’m sorry, but it’s the only way to….

Before Shawn could finish, Flamez grabbed him by the neck and pushed him against the wall.

Flamez: IF YOU…….EVER……..SNEAK……..IN HERE………..AGAIN………YOU WILL…………..DIE.

Flamez let up on Shawn.

Flamez: Go.

Shawn: But…….

Flamez: JUST GO!!

Shawn rolled his eyes, and walked out.

Dan: You idiot! Will you listen to your brother for once?

Flamez: Why should I?

Mary: Because he’s on the right side of the tracks! Let’s go Dan. He has to figure this out on his own.

Flamez: Wait! WAIT!!!!!!!!

~Back To Lockeroom~

Yeah, I’ve definitely made some stupid decisions when it comes to that subject. I’ve gotta control myself.

I slowly got up. Loooking into the mirror, I grabbed my secret weapon. A barbed wire bat. I walked down the hall. Stopping at the curtain, I looked through it, seeing the sold out crowd.

Good luck BJ, your gonna need it.

[One Love]

OOC: Tried something completely different this week. Comments are really appreciated.

[Calvin]

Flashbacks never work unless they all are related. You tried too hard in this rp to tie everything up at once. And it just looks like a list of things you were trying to explain all at once. Honestly? This would have worked a lot better if you split each part up into separate rps. Like, doing each idea, a different week..

Slow down and stop trying to do everythng at once. That's your biggest flaw that i find everyweek.

[Kurt Burton: Script Doctor!]

Yeah, Calvin's right in that it was jumbled up, but I haveto say congratulations, this is the first RP I've read of yours with believable dialogue, so you must have taken our advice from before. Good Work, keep with that.

Now you need to slow it down, just like Calvin said. Take one theme, and work with it for your RP, don't try to tie a million plat threads into one rp. Good work.

[One Love]

Alright thanks, at least I'm somewhat improving.

[Markw]

So apparently Shawn can't wrestle anymore, but he can Wrestle one more match....

Thats stupid, why would he risk injuring himself anymore thats stupid he wouldn't be able too, my best advice to you is, listen to Calvin and Kurt.

[One Love]

markw said:

So apparently Shawn can't wrestle anymore, but he can Wrestle one more match....

Thats stupid, why would he risk injuring himself anymore thats stupid he wouldn't be able too, my best advice to you is, listen to Calvin and Kurt.

Shawn is a stupid hothead.

[Thunder]

As said earlier, the flashbacks didn't work and I didn't like that it was cut and paste from the results. Every time you went to another one I thought "not again . . ." which is not what you want. Flashbacks don't work most of the time to begin with, but it can be don. Kurt did an RP recently where he used flashbacks where it worked because it related perfectly to the story of the RP.

But the main problem you and a lot of people is giving things time to develop. I'll use myself as an example. After Stacy was in the car accident, it took 3 RPs before Thunder found out about it and 5 RPs before he finally confronted Robert. When everything is jumbled together in one RP, it's like an episode of Impact. None of the information sticks or seems important.

[One Love]

Thanks, the example helped.

[sonstuds]

The narrative was a little inconsistent. At first it started off as if Flamez was just thinking (which is supported by the flashbacks) but it was also written like he's telling a story. Just seemed like you tried to write it both ways.

As people have said you didn't let things develop. It was done in a "talk about what happened on the HS, now talk about the birth certificates" way, which is really just hard to get into.

[Deleted]

The glaring flaw was the lack of development but I also noticed that you're not using your setting. You said it's dark but you were looking at yourself in the mirror.

If used properly, you can make the scenario you set set the tone for the rest of the roleplay. For instance:

That first line where it was dark . . . if you would have focused on the darkness and gotten into a zone, the rest of the roleplay would have been fueled by that zone.

When I write, I spend the most time on my first few paragraphs to set the entire mood. Because that's the mood that needs to carry through the entire thing.

[Revvie®]

I think all that I could or can say has been said, read everyones advice and work on your rps.