S&S Battle Royal RP: Meet The Family

[One Love]

A court room was silent waiting for an answer. November 8th, 2007. The case that shocked Bergen County citizens.

Judge: Has the jury come to a decision?

Jury Member: Yes we have your honor.

Oh boy….

Jury Member: We the jury find the defendant, David Roberts….

This is it…….

Jury Member: Not guilty.

Flamez let out a sigh of relief as people already started walking out.

Flamez: You, my friend, are the best lawyer ever.

Lawyer: No problem, have a good day.

Flamez: Your check will be in the mail shortly.

Flamez brother Shawn walked over.

Flamez: Hey man.

Shawn: Congrats, now come on, we gotta go meet this person.

Flamez: Right.

The two then ran out of the court house and to the alley behind it. Hearts were racing. Adrenaline out of control. When they got there, was an old lady in expensive clothes sitting on a chair.

Old Lady: Oh my…..my….is that really you? David? Shawn?

The lady ran up to give them a hug, but Flamez and Shawn backed up. The lady had then put on a sad face.

Old Lady: I get it, you don’t want to get to close to some old crazy lady you don’t know. Who else would get those blankets? The ones that burned in the fire were fake. I even have real copies of your birth certificates. Here, take a look.

Flamez and Shawn took a look. They were shocked, she really was there mom.

Flamez: Mom?

Shawn: I….I can’t believe this.

Mom: Yes, you see me and your father….

Flamez: Speaking of which, where is he?

Mom: One second, CARL!

A man ran from behind them.

Carl: My god Maire, there beautiful.

Mom: Boys, this is your father. I’m Maryellen, your mother. We’re the Doherty’s.

Flamez: Not to be pushy, but can we go to our house and have this conversation?

Mom: Give us the directions and yes.

Flamez gave them the directions and they went to there house.

Flamez: God, I can’t believe this.

Shawn: I know, I can’t believe we have parents.

Flamez: Ones that are alive.

Shawn: You think we have other relatives?

Flamez: I don’t know, let’s ask them later.

Shawn: Don’t you still have to train for Scars and Stripes?

Flamez: Yeah. I got my entry number in the mail yesterday. I’m number 22 out of 37 entrants.

Shawn: Ehhh, not that bad, but could be better.

Flamez: I’m lucky I’m in it Shawn.

Shawn: I know, but just saying.

Flamez: You think I got a chance?

Shawn: I say you got a 50/50 chance. I mean, it’s gonna be tough, 37 other people are gonna be fighting in this, and to make it worse, it’s for a world title shot on the main event of the biggest show of the year, Superbrawl! You hear me, world title shot on the main event in the biggest show of the year, Superbrawl!

Shawn: I know Shawn.

Flamez pulled into his driveway and his parents pulled up on the curb.

Mom: This is a nice place you got here.

Dad: Definitley not as good the old house.

Flamez: What old house?

Mom: Me and your Dad used to own a house down in Oradell. It was beautiful. There is one for sale right next door. That’s where your sister lives.

Shawn: SISTER?

The brothers jaws dropped down to the floor in the shock. A sister?

Mom: Oops, I guess we forgot to tell you that. We’ll explain everything when we get there.

Shawn: Ok.

Dad: Here’s the directions, feel free to follow us. We’ll meet you there.

They all got in the car and headed down to Oradell. Quite a ride. Traffic and pooring rain galore! A half an hour later, they finally got there. There was a woman standing outside, and young girl looking outside from the window.

Woman: Mom? I wasn’t expecting you today.

Mom: Jenn, these are your long lost brothers.

Jenn: You mean….these…they….it’s them?

Dad: This is your sister Jen, she is 22. When she was 17, she got ran over by a tractor trailer and lost her leg. She has a prosthetic leg. She doesn’t know how to walk right. Then when she was 18, she had a beautiful daughter, Brittany.

Jenn: Can we go inside so we can sit? Then you can me your niece Brittany.

Flamez: Sure.

They all walked inside and sat down.

Jenn: Britt Briit, these are your uncles, Shawn and David.

Brittany: Mommy, I thought you didn’t have any brothers.

Jenn: Well mommy was wrong. Now introduce yourself.

Brittany: Hi, I’m Brittany and 5 years old. You look familiar. Your on dose shows mommy watches with wessling.

Jenn: She’s right. Wait a second, you’re Flamez! Mom was telling the truth! And you’re Shawn Roberts! This a dream come true! Britt, go to your room and play.

Brittany: Ok.

Flamez: You know, I’m sure I can get you all complimentary tickets for the ppv Sunday.

Jenn: I’m in heaven. Thank you so much!

Shawn: Sorry to intrude, but can we find out how you guys are our parents now?

Mom: It started like this. When you born, we were facing poverty, and we had to give you up. 2 years later we had Jenn. We were about to give her up, when we won the mega millions. 10 million dollars to be exact. We fought to get you back, but the court said you were with new parents. We fought all we could for you, but they ruled against us. Then we did some research 2 months ago, and found you. Now we’re here.

Flamez began to shed a tear, along with Shawn.

Flamez: I can’t believe it, someone fought for us.

Shawn: How’d you know we were in the fire, and how did you get our baby blankets.

Dad: The internet rules, and I stole the blankets.

Flamez: Well, now we know we have family.

Shawn: Yay!

Flamez: Now I can focus on Scars and Stripes, and I’m very confident about it.

Shawn: And when you win, the whole family will be there.

Then everyone hugged and the brothers left.

[One Love]

OOC: Personally, I think this is my best rp. I enjoyed writing this a lot. Feel free to leave feedback. This storyline should be very good.

[Calvin]

I'll leave it up to Obo..

[One Love]

That doesn't sound good.....

[The Mayhem is Commin]

its an awesome roleplay but it seem that both shawn and you seemed to believe these people really quick. I mean it didnt seem to take much a story on what happened, birth certificaes, and the blankets. mainly because nowadays i bet you could make something to look like a birth certificate off the internet but however you wnat to work this its up to you

[cureforthesickness]

jaymayhem said:

its an awesome roleplay but it seem that both shawn and you seemed to believe these people really quick. I mean it didnt seem to take much a story on what happened, birth certificaes, and the blankets. mainly because nowadays i bet you could make something to look like a birth certificate off the internet but however you wnat to work this its up to you

you say it was an awesome roleplay, but then you point out a ton of flaws in the plot? Do you not fully understand the meaning of the word "awesome"?

There are so many flaws here. Many really glaring flaws. How are you 50/50 if you're one of thirty seven? That's physically impossible. especially given that you aren't one of the favorites, or even mentioned as a possibility to win it. You'd be maybe 5/95.

The story with the parents seemed all over the place and extremely rushed. key things that should have been addressed weren't, and other things that would be obvious to the naked eye were addressed the wrong way (like the girl with the fake leg, and the father blatantly saying "she has a fake leg. she can't walk right").

The explaination of how things happened is very "and now you know". The idea that the father just stole some stuff is laughable.

The ending is extremely cliched.

Your description is non-exsistant. Describe things. set a scene. any scene. don't just say "we are here". It just flat out doesn't make sense..

[bad guy™]

I am with Obo on this. I mean, this was not murder but...

You were everywhere with this.

The father thing reminds me of an old RP of mine. I was a repairman and I ripped off some old dude. Very funny, but very Buggs Bunnish.

There was little to no description...

And the ending.....as Obo stated, very cliched and cheesy. I mean "Now we have family." "YAY!"

[sonstuds]

When I read the title I was hoping their family would a family ala the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I was severely disappointed.

I think I've said it to you before, not entirely sure, but you do too much with too little execution. This is a guy's entire day, yet it's written like it happens in five minutes. Stop writing stuff like "They get in a car and drive to someone's house". How far is the house? When you write it that way it's instinctive that I, as a reader, would assume it's just down the road with how fast it's ended.

Now, as for the critique.

- The court thing was a terrible ending to an on-going storyline. You had this dark comedy bit that I was a fan of then you just blow it off like it's nothing. Did any of the characters, main or secondary, even care? And you have his inner thoughts they you completely blow off, almost like you forgot you started it. Then it just looks out of place. Really disappointing that you chose to end your strongest storyline that way.

- The dialogue sounded forced and scripted. As Obo mentioned, the trailer accident was the big kicker. The conversation about the BR was the same thing. You might as well have had a "mandatory match mention" sign. It was that obvious and disruptive to what you were building.

- Like I already mentioned, all over the place. Generally speaking, this is a small RP who's setting changes around four times. A couple of those were warranted, but stuff like driving to Flamez' house just to drive to his parent's house a few sentences later . . . why? Couldn't they have given them directions as soon as they met?

- Again as Obo brought up, some plot holes. They try and get custody of Flamez and Shawn, and when they don't they just forget about them and don't try to find or talk to them for 20+ years? It's almost like

Mom: . . . Hey, remember our kids were set up for adoption?

Dad: Oh! Yeah . . . I'll try to google them.

- You write campy dialogue like "We now have a family!" "Yay!". And you know, you can make that a style, but you never exploit it. I'm on the fence on whether it's comedic or just dull. The lack of description all around leads me to the latter, unfortunately.

I feel like I come into your RPs saying the same thing. It's almost as if you feel obligated to do a multiple scenes and try to connect them to the story. The only problem? You connect them with "they then drive to __".

[Revvie®]

I'm going to start this off by addressing some parts that I felt were more then odd.

The two then ran out of the court house and to the alley behind it. Hearts were racing. Adrenaline out of control. When they got there, was an old lady in expensive clothes sitting on a chair.

So here, your telling me that they randomly ran outside and there is an old lady dressed nice and sitting in some chair in an alley way? Ok, that seems a little out of place, but lets say I give you that one.

Dad: This is your sister Jen, she is 22. When she was 17, she got ran over by a tractor trailer and lost her leg. She has a prosthetic leg. She doesn’t know how to walk right. Then when she was 18, she had a beautiful daughter, Brittany.

WTF? Ok, If you wanted to put a life story in 7 seconds then I guess that works, but I dont know anybody who really does that, its just random and kind of pointless given the usage of it.

Flamez began to shed a tear, along with Shawn.

Flamez: I can’t believe it, someone fought for us.

Shawn: How’d you know we were in the fire, and how did you get our baby blankets.

Dad: The internet rules, and I stole the blankets.

Flamez: Well, now we know we have family.

Shawn: Yay!

Flamez: Now I can focus on Scars and Stripes, and I’m very confident about it.

Shawn: And when you win, the whole family will be there.

Then everyone hugged and the brothers left.

If the whole rp had been written like this in a comedic fashion, I could respect that, I love ppl who do humorous rps and they can be just as good as a seriously rp any day. But in all honesty, this random thing at the end almost made me laugh but b/c of where it was and what kind of rp was intended, it just made me feel sick to my stomache, like I was watching a bad movie and someone next to me was really enjoying it.

_________________

Now to the other things.

The whole rp felt so rushed for what it was. Everytime you would state something or get something done, you would just race over it and into something else and kept the reader unsatisfied and wondering if you even knew what you were talking about.

The story idea could have really worked, but you really could have stretched this thing over several weeks and made each moment an event in itself. But instead it wasnt anything like it could have been. I mean you could have dedicated a full rp or two to just realizing you had parents by a phone call and your thoughts on it and a follow up on meeting them and giving real feeling and emotions. Your sisters life could have been something that was very slowly given in increments during rps.

The story was a good idea, rushing it in one rp was definitely an awful idea.

Description was poor, I mean the description you did have well actually pretty well written as far as interesting factor, but instead of devoting a bit more time to it, you just gave it a "matter of need" existence and that really hurt you.

The dialogue was awful, it didnt feel real and everything felt offset, and most of it was not in a funny way like the end.

I think the best advice I could give is take your time and dont rush yourself, dont rush writing an rp and dont give a rush feeling in it. Just be patient when your writing and I think that will give you more opportunity to improve and work out the problems in them.

Revvie