Loaded RP: The Battery

[recklessmatten]

Reckless is walking down a cold, damp derelict hallway. Doors hanging off the hinges and rotting, lights barley clinging onto the ceiling, litter and the bodies of dead insects and vermin litter the floor. Scurrying of tiny feet as rats run wild all around. Reckless sits down on an old bench. From afar it sounds like music can be heard.

Lashing out the action, returning the reaction
Weak are ripped and torn away
Hypnotizing power, crushing all that cower
Battery is here to stay

Reckless: Strange how a place so pungent, dirty and disgusting can be filled which so much life. All these tiny insects and rats running all over the place, calling it home. Day by Day, they go about killing others just to feed and live safely. Yet, humans are afraid of them. These little creatures that go on with like, the same as we do. People call them pests, but they must think that we are the pest yes?

Reckless gets up and walks further down the hallway. His feet tread carefully as not to disturb the bodies of the lifeless rats below his feet. As he nears the end of the hallway, the music gets a little bit louder.

Crushing all deceivers, smashing non-believers
never ending potency
Hungry violence seeker, feeding off the weaker
Breeding on insanity

Reckless stops by a door and tries to pry it open. Its fails. He takes a few steps back and runs into the door. It smashes to the ground. The room is empty apart from a table and a chair. On the table lays a battery. Reckless sits down and picks up the battery.

Reckless: A battery? The heart is a persons battery. When the power is all drained out, much like a battery, it dies. When we have no more energy, or life left in us we are gone. But, sometimes like rechargeable battery's, things can be brought back. People sometimes die, and rarely can be brought back by the aid of electricity. You see, in our bodies we have a small charge, when its gone, so are we.

Reckless looks around as he can hear the music again. He slowly gets up and walks over the door he broke down. He walks across the hall to see if the door opposite is open. He grabs the handle, but it dissolves in his hand like sand falling through. He blows the dust off his hand and he has another battery in his hand. He drops it to the battery and slams the door open. On a dusty table lays a tape player and a small speaker next to it.

Smashing through the boundaries
lunacy has found me
cannot stop the Battery
Pounding out aggression
turns into obsession
cannot kill the Battery
Cannot kill the family
Battery has found in me.

Reckless: Without power, life is nothing. Without life, there is no need for power. Power has many meanings. Power as in the energy that fuels everyone and everything. Power as in the control you have. Power as in holding it all and being the main guy. To gain power can be a huge struggle. But in one second, when the power goes, it may be hard to regain that power. Leaving you lifeless and empty. Leaving you wondering if you can ever recapture the power. Do i have the power? No. But will i get it? One Day.

Reckless gets up and walks out of the room. He heads towards a large door with a hanging exit sign. He pushes the doors open and steps outside. The sun is shining brightly, no clouds in the sky. He slowly walks to the gate and opens it. The doors slam shut. All of a sudden, something that sounds like rain begins to fall on the other side of the door. You can faintly hear Reckless say...

Reckless: Damn It. I didn't even bring an umbrella.


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I have had this RP for a while now, never got round to finding a match to use it.

-Reckless-

[Kurt Burton: Script Doctor!]

Good work... better than the last one I've read of yours. I liked the monologue, and using Metallica lyrics to enhance the mood. As per usual with your RP's, there were somethings that didn't quite make sense. For instance, why did Reckless smash open the door, And what was with the joke at the end. But, as I said, I feel it was a massive improvement over the last one I read.

[Calvin]

you know, you need to take more time in your rps. I always see you post literally a day after the card is posted. Take time in your rps. Don't rush to post right away. You'll see a huge difference iny our rps if you take time.

[Revvie®]

God this rp gives me a sort of nostalgic feel. This reminds me of when I first started, the rps of monologue, enviroment, and comparisons. Given, I have grown out of the wanting to do these, I still respect the ones done well.

You have something here, you might try to progress in this rping form. Like Kurt said, some things didnt make much sense but your general idea was good and the monologue was on key with the scenery and the comparisons were well put and clear. The lyrics gave a good feel.

I think if you work more on this sort of rping, and work out the kinks, you may have found your style. Its old school but its good and can win matches. Very, very nice. Actually I might put together a monologue sometime soon for memories sake.

Work on it, but this was exceptional. The length matter not here as much as the point being made and you didnt let that worry you and thats good.

Revvie

[recklessmatten]

So basically, if i progress with a monologue type of style and improve it then i might finally be able to step up and get better and better?

[Revvie®]

recklessmatten said:

So basically, if i progress with a monologue type of style and improve it then i might finally be able to step up and get better and better?

Yes, yes thats what I said loser face, but you might not want to take my word on it, just see what the owners think....make them reply to this b/c you need to know their opinion lol....b/c diff. ppl diff. ideas, but I do feel like if you progress in this it could be your ticket up.

[sonstuds]

Reckless is walking down a cold, damp derelict hallway.

Two thumbs up for the use of the "Derelict".

[veronicaaaahhhh]

This is definitely one of your best. I thought this RP was pretty good, it was short, but it was straight forward and well written and you knew where to take it.

When it comes sticking to a certain style, it all pretty much depends on how it works with the reader, and how comfortable you are, as writer, as you write it. The latter is whats really important, for me for instance, I find it easier to approach my RP's with a direct approach, as if I was writing a short story, with an occasional monologue thrown in.

How it comes out depends on how comfortable you are when you write it, so if this works for you, then by all means go with the flow. The way you write it and your comfort in writing it also reflects when we read it.

[Swarm]

... And this is how people catch hepatitus.

Anyway, it wasn't too bad or anything. The way the RP is displayed with the bolding and such was very well done and flowed well. However, the RP

[Swarm]

... And that's how people catch hepatitus.


Anyway, some good things, some bad things. The Good; Your display was very well done. The spacing, bolding, italics on the lyrics and so on were well put together and it made the overall piece flow well. The Bad; Pretty much everything you said in the entire thing. Now look, I've been accused of being a bully when reviewing peoples' RPs so I'll try and be as polite as possible, but the whole thing never really had much of a direction. The song lyrics, while maybe inspired, didn't really fit as the song doesn't really apply to anything Reckless is saying. Also, the idea of the actual song playing in the background came out less like an intense theme to what Reckless is saying and moreso like Reckless' isolated, 16 year old son playing Master of Puppets on full volume while he plays his Playstation 2. Just wasn't effective. You have a good way with words but I think you need more patience when explaining things, and moreso than just patience, a direct subject in relation to whatever is going on with your character. You went from making it an RP about batteries to an RP about power to an RP about life support, I mean it just jumped from thing to thing.

I also have to criticize for using an RP you apparently had already written for a match. I mean I guess it's fair and legal, but not really right. And, to be perfectly honest, it showed in the RP because you said absolutely nothing about what your character was doing at all. All we get from this is he plans on becoming a battery while hanging out with rat corpses and listening to Metallica.

Try and be a little more patient, a little more focused on one topic and, most importantly, make sure it's absolutely relevant to what your character's going through and going to be doing and such.