Candi-Fighter

[G A G A]

It was a harsh September evening. The wind was howling, the rain was pouring and Candi Starlight was freezing her ass off. She had been travelling back from Michigan after stopping off at Taco Bell when her car had broken down. She helplessly punched away at her cell, hoping it would whir into life, but it was no good. She wouldn’t have got a signal anyway. She stood there on the side of the highway, in a tiny little green dress and matching stilettos. What an outfit to wear on a night like this. She shuddered as she thought who could be out there, watching her, and waiting to strike. A nasty taste formed in her mouth, as she desperately tried to think of happy things, but nothing worked. Why was she so scared? A set of headlights coming down the highway broke her trail of thought. It was a big maroon truck, its beam commandingly shooting across the road. It slowly grinded to a halt. Candi strained her eyes to see who the driver was. The rain and wind didn’t help, but she could make out a big guy, and a dog. Not so bad. He flung open the door and stepped down. He was tall. Maybe 6’ 4. Higher than most guys Candi knew. He was wearing a grey vest with a chequered shirt over it, faded jeans and trainers. The sort of man you’d find in a caravan park in Texas. He looked her up and down and smiled.

Guy: Well little lady. How you doin’? You look a little lost here standing on this side road toots. You need a little help sweet cheeks.

Candi: My car just broke down and I need some help.

Guy: Well convince me why I should.

Candi: I have been standing on this road for 2 hours waiting for some help. I am wet, I am cold and I need to ring my friend. Now can you help me or not!?!

Guy: Listen toots I might help ya, if ya be a bit nicer.

Candi: I need a ride. So, can you give me what I want?

Guy: Well, that depends whether you can give me what I want.

Candi: Ugh. I’ll be fine here all alone. But can I use your phone?

Guy: For a little something for myself, then sure.

Candi: Just please let me borrow your phone.

Guy: Here.

Candi: Thank You!

The guy held out his hand. In his palm was a cell. She gently extracted it from his hand and punched in the numbers.

Guy: Kiss My Ass Slutshow!

With that he snatched the cell from her hand and threw it to the ground. He sed at her as he looked her up and down. He saw her horrified expression and leapt at her, taking her roughly by the throat. He shoved her up against the truck, smiling as he stared at her chest. His grip was tightening with every second. He laughed as she choked and struggled to breathe. He was sick. Candi desperately tried to slap him, but he blocked it with his free hand.

Guy: Oh, you are a feisty little bitch huh! Well I like that in a woman.

Candi so desperately tried to scream, but she couldn’t. She was so terrified. For the first time she was content, and no jerk-off was going to take that away form her. What could she do? She was this little woman, and he was this big guy. The size difference was massive. Her windpipe felt ready to cave in. And then she realized she had to use his weight against him.

Guy: You like That Slut? Standing here on this road, your dress halfway up your ass, your titties popping out. Well, you offered, so I’m going to sample the goods. After all I do feel like a little piece of sweet potato pie! Oh, can’t you breath you easy little bitch?! Well says your prayers sweetheart, cos you are going down……….

With all her strength Candi swung her leg backwards, trying to gain momentum. She heaved her leg upwards in an arc-like movement straight into his crotch. His grip loosened as bent down to clutch his crotch in agony. She caressed her throat as the cold air began to rush into her throat. Candi was a fighter. This guy had hurt her bad; she was going to get revenge. This is where she unleashed her arsenal of professional wrestling moves upon the SOAB. A forearm, followed by another and then another. Another kick in the crotch, just to sweeten him up. A chick kick, followed by a spike DDT. As he struggled back to his feet Candi turned around searching for a weapon. Her eyes lingered on a rather large stick. She hurried over and snatched it up. As she turned around though, bunghole wasn’t there. Her eyes widened as she looked around frantically for him. He was behind her, lying on the ground, injured but angry. He grabbed her leg forcing her down to the ground. He was just too strong. She tried to squirm out of his clutches but it was no use. He pinned her down as he smiled. Blood was dripping down his face, but he didn’t seem to bother. Just when Candi thought there was no hope in hell of surviving this, a set of headlights came crawling up the road. The guy tossed her aside and clambered back into the truck. Without a thought for his victim he hastily drove away. The other car halted nearby to where she was lying. She was too busy clutching her stomach in agony to notice a plump little woman and her husband hopping out, and rushing over to her. The rest was a blur….


Candi eyes fluttered open….she was so sleepy. As she lay there, she realized she wasn’t on the road anymore. She patted her hands around her body to see where she was. It felt like a bed or something like that. How strange. She sat up and this is what she saw:

She was sitting in a big double bed. It had a pink and white floral pattern and the pillows were the size of suitcases. There were pink walls with blue flowers on them, and a white shag pile carpet. There was a large white dresser at the end of the bed where Candi’s dress was. She was wearing purple pyjamas and her stilettos were over by the door which was left on the facing wall.

Candi wondered where she was. She couldn’t remember much from before apart from that disgusting idiot. She didn’t particularly want to. She hopped out of the bed. Her toes curled up with pleasure as she felt the plush carpet beneath her feet. What luxury. Who could live in a house like this? She left the room and gently descended down the stairs. Before her there was a corridor. The front door to wherever she was, was at the end of the hall. There was a door to the left, but it was closed. She crept over to the door on the right which was slightly ajar and peered through. There was a small, jolly little woman dressed in jeans and a pink shirt, stirring a bowl on the stove. Nearby, there was a man, who Candi presumed was the Lady’s husband, chopping vegetables. Candi leant at the door and slipped in.

Candi: Hi?

The plump little woman turned around smiling. A couple of seconds later she rushed over to Candi. She grabbed her by the arms as she looked up at Candi’s blank expression.

Joyce: Well Hello! My Name Is Joyce and that is My Husband Freddie. We were the ones that found you on the road. You know after the incident.

Candi: Oh. I didn’t notice anyone, sorry. And you can call it by its name you know, I don’t mind. I was almost raped.

Joyce: Oh, err, yes, well, err, I made you some soup and my husband fixed your car for you. When would you like to eat? Are you warm enough? You like tomato soup? You wanna watch something on the TV?

Candi: Listen, what you’re doing for me is really sweet, but you don’t need to. I’ll be O.K. I have some very important things to do, and need to ring my friend.

Joyce: Oh you can do that here!

Candi: Listen, Joyce, I’m going to go get changed, and then I have to go.

Joyce: Oh, Ok.

Candi ran upstairs and began to unbutton her P.Js. She slipped her torn dress over her head and whipped her stilettos onto her feet. She looked into the mirror and smoothed back her hair looking at her washed out face. Damn she looked rough. Nothing make-up couldn’t fix. She pounded some blusher onto her face, and gently smoothed some lip gloss over her lips. There, she looked much better. She grabbed the comb from the dresser, ran it quickly through her long chestnut curls and hurried out to her car where Joyce and Freddie were waiting.

Joyce: You don’t have to go you know dear.

Candi: I really do. Thanks for everything though. You’ve been so kind, and I really do owe you one.

Joyce: Well, bye then. Oh here, at least take this thermos; I filled it with soup in case you get peckish on the way home.

Candi: Oh well thanks Joyce. And thanks for fixing my car Freddie. It looks as good as knew. Bye.

She started up the ignition, reversed out of their drive, stopped to wave, revved her engine triumphantly and sped away.

Joyce: She is one brave girl, going back out on the road like that. I mean anyone could be out there still, even her attacker.

Freddie: Yup. It’s a big risk, and she is one tough lil’ lady. She’s a fighter. Now c’mon it’s getting cold, and Dallas is on soon.

So Joyce and Freddie Monsoon stepped back into their comfy little home, satisfied that they had helped someone in need, and wished her a safe journey.

End

[veronicaaaahhhh]

This is a definite step up from what you've done before. There were a few holes in the story, dialogue, and structure, but these can be improved as you progress.

I can't really go into detail now, though.

Overall, it's a step up, good piece, and good luck come Loaded.

[veronicaaaahhhh]

A couple other things:

As for description, try to really get into her mind and thoughts; as readers, we shouldn't just know how she feels, we have to feel it too.

Dialogue, like I posted on Reckless' RP, we each have a very distinct way of talking and putting our sentences together that is our own. Try to use this when writing dialogue for characters outside of Candi; whether the character is off importance to us or not, the smallest thing like dialogue and movement is enough to tell them apart.

[G A G A]

Thanks Mike. I feel I have improved, and cant wait to develop more.

[Kurt Burton: Script Doctor!]

Huge step up! Wow.... An actual story, the damsel in distress thing was a little cliche, but it worked because it was real and that's what really happens.

On the flipside, I don't know why Joyce and Freddie would have taken her home. I was sitting there waiting for this to turn into an out of the frying pan into the fire moment. But you didn't go there, and I was kind of sad.

The one thing I would definately work on is not telling us what we see, but showing it to us. Things like, she sat up and this is what she saw, are a little wierd.

Good work though.

[sonstuds]

Yeah, strong up until she was taken back to their house. I felt that entire part of the RP could have been taken out completely considering nothing really happened. She talked about calling her friend but then she never actually did.

And as McBurton have noted, the description became pretty flat, again specifically when she was at their house.

My advice is to put stuff in that has a meaning to the RP, either for entertainment purposes or to advance the storyline. If going to their house was a catalyst for something (and it still very well could be in the following weeks) then alright, but if not then just work on expanding the initial and important scenes. Whether that be through more dialogue or description, it doesn't really matter. Just gotta make the important parts important.

[G A G A]

Thanks Guys!