LOADED - Ladder of Success

[x0kimmy]

LOADED - Ladder of Success


No one said it would be easy but it surely wasn’t. You can’t be given respect by showing up, you got to work your way up to the top. And even when you reach the top you got to keep on staying strong because you never know who might come up behind you and push you off to start again. Revvie and Obo are true examples of when hard work pays off and how to maintain it. They didn’t call it quits because it got tough, they just kept on climbing until they reached the ceiling and weren’t planning on leaving the top anytime soon. So many challengers have faced them with a grin and thinking how easily they could win but so many more have been defeated. This is where I come in and show the entire federation why they ought to remember the name Brooke.

I was busy brushing my hair trying to make myself look nice for a night to remember. Vinson had called me earlier wanting to have a special night together. I haven’t seen him lately but I gladly accepted. Since working with WFWF I’ve been booked non-stop for House Shows. My winning and losing is inconsistent. One week I win with a big victory the next I loose a quick match-up with Candi Starlight. This time it’ll be different. Being on both the Loaded card and Scars and Stripes has boosted the confidence level to one to 100. Nothing can rain on this glorious day and no one will be stopping me anytime soon.

I heard a few knocks at the door. I ran down to get it and it was Vinson. He really did clean up nice in a suit and a tie. I kissed him on the lips and began the conversation.

Brooke Hollister – Hey Hun. You finally ready to go out? I’m really excited where are you taking us?
Vinson Evorett – Hey babe. Well if I wasn’t ready would I be standing out here waiting for you? And it’s a surprise but you’ll love it.
Brooke Hollister – You suck Vinson but I love you for it. Give me a hint at least before I spear you into the sidewalk!

I chuckled and walked out the house to lock the door and I grabbed his arm. I looked up at him and smiled as he was walking with me to the sidewalk. He is so charming and caring, where would I be without him?

Vinson Evorett – Why must you be so stubborn? What happened to that sweet, innocent girl I fought for? Now I’m stuck with a bossy bimbo.
Brooke Hollister – Well this bossy bimbo can kick ass so watch it boy. And I’m not that stubborn.. just anxious. I haven’t seen you lately and I missed you.
Vinson Evorett – Yeah I missed you too. I had a lot of thinking time lately so I needed that.
Brooke Hollister – What’s that suppose to mean?
Vinson Evorett – It means it’s another surprise in stock for you.

We walked in silence for a while. I was a bit confused but excited after what he said. What if he proposes and then asks me to move in with him! I’m so overwhelmed with happiness. After walking for about 15 minutes we finally get to a park that is close by my house. I was a bit upset when this was our date area until he showed me what he did. He setup a quick picnic with candles.

Vinson Evorett – Here we are. Welcome to Château de Vinson. We have all the finest foods from bread to cheese. Have a seat Madame.
Brooke Hollister – Oh Vinson this is really nice. Thank you so much. I really appreciate this and this is much nicer then any old fancy restaurant. It came from the heart and I won’t ever forget this night.

I could of sworn after I said that he mumbled something but I let it go. We enjoyed our dinner but before I could get up to leave, he told me to sit down.

Vinson Evorett – Now I know we both love each other very much there is no doubt. But I think this is too much too soon. I wanted to let you off easy so I made this dinner to just show you my feelings one last time. This hasn’t been working out anyways. Like you said we barely ever see each other. It’s basically pointless and stupid.
Brooke Hollister – Basically pointless? So all is a lie right.. you don’t love me at all Vinson! LOVE ISN’T POINTLESS! I can’t even believe your doing this. You know what that’s fine. I’m done and I have better things to think about like a match at Loaded. Just don’t come crawling back into my bed you bunghole.

I stormed off more mad then upset. How could he? I treated him with so much love. I sent him cards and all the works yet he dumps me. I guess he chose a good time. Now tomorrow when I hit the gym the punching bag will be his face. I have more important things now. Kat Hamilton is obviously one of the most dominant females as now and I’m not what you call great but this November.. it’ll be different. Mark my words I will be the winner of the match or my name isn’t Brooke Hollister.

[cureforthesickness]

you're improving.. a lot..

the weak points I found here were speech. your speech didn't have a lot of emotion to it. At times it felt downright scripted and cheesey, like the random wrestling jokes when she and Vinson first met up.

The opening monologue/description was really well written though and shows you have promise for the future.

I'm not exactly sure why you put in the part about the gym at the end, if it was an intentinal rib or not, but an effective one none the less.

You're improving. your speech needs work and your storylines need time to develop, but you're definately improving. May I suggest a theme change to "Tainted Love" by Marilyn Manson?

[jack]

Sorry to ruin your Idea "obo" but she should use the depesche mode version

[Calvin]

manson kills.

[cureforthesickness]

jack said:

Sorry to ruin your Idea "obo" but she should use the depesche mode version

I've never got into Depeche Mode for some reason. But either would work..

[x0kimmy]

Thanks obo :]
I actually lovee Tainted Love.

But what did you think of the err First Person instead of Third?

[Revvie®]

You did some basic things that I also enjoy doing in my rps. One of these of course is the first person. Though you did not use it here to the fullest extent, it can become your best friend when your character is alone for any point in time. Being able to relay thoughts and words through description gives way to more interesting settings without needing to shove ppl into the mix or talk mindlessly into a camera.

Your prologue was nicely written, the epilogue was good but the prologue still was better. They both flowed nicely and gave much insight into your mindset and such.

The conversation was your downfall I think, I felt it was a little rushed, the whole seen felt a little rushed. I mean with first person you can spend a whole rp in thought while riding in a car and such. I think you could have stretched the dinner out a bit, get more into the situation between you and Vinson and revealing all the feelings there, then the ending would have been more of a dramatic impact then a rushed sadness.

I think the storyline, like obo said, is starting to develope. I think you could have gave more insight if, like i said, you wouldnt have rushed the rps movement. When I say rush I dont mean like you wrote this in 5 min's, I mean like the rp moved quickly through itself from one place to another and to the end. The real question to me is where will you take it now. You have dismissed the b/f character but is he really gone? Will you stick it out on your own, will you delve into your past? Its all your call but once you find something, you need to stick with it till the storyline in the rps is over. Also this can help with rping as well, I mean anybody can rp when i feud is happening but when your facing a random person, a personal story is mucho helpful.

Over all, this is def. a step up. Your showing great pontential as a rper and as a writer in general. Keep honing your skills and moving forward. If you ever need any help feel free to pm me. Keep up the good work!

Revvie

[recklessmatten]

Very very nice RP here. This ss the 1st rp i have read of yours, and i like it. You have alot of potential. The speech to me seemed like a mad rush and didn't turn out to well, but it is still good. Overall nice rp and good luck in your match and you stay in the WFWF.

-Reckless-

[dustinrenegade]

pretty good...other than me looking like an ass

[x0kimmy]

haha well to be honest we never were really known as a couple unless I said so in my role plays. Now she is on her own so it should be fun to write about her.

[sonstuds]

"Tainted Love" by Soft Cell is obviously the best one, but 'tever.

I liked it for the most part, and I think Rev really hit the nail perfectly when he talked about not rushing it so much. It started off well then it became sort of "we had dinner. Vinson said something but I didn't quite hear it. Then he broke up with me". Just let it expand on it's own naturally.

I do feel my biggest complaint was how someone breaks up with her and then she's just like "I'm mad, but I have a big match on Loaded....". Again, just an issue of not letting things work into themselves.

Overall I'm interested in the storyline of a bitter ex-girlfriend being a manager, and it's nice to see you're already getting to the point of story continuation. So kudos to that.

[G A G A]

Nice Work. U definitely are improving. More than me. . Good Job!