BJ Rocker Loaded RP: "Altar of Pain"

[The Rocker]

Night before Loaded

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It was a cool October night in Tacoma as Shawn locked up the gym for the night. He took a sip off his drink and locked the doors then approached his car. But, he saw a car driving towards the gym. It stopped and the headlights turned off. The front door opened.


Shawn - "Uh…Hey Man, the gyms closed for the night....You got to come back tomorrow..."


-"Oh No, that won't be necessary. I just need to finish something...”


Shawn dropped his drink and liquid splattered all over the pavement. He stood in the dark, shaking.


Shawn -"Wha..... What do you need....Who are you?"


- "You don't remember me? I remember you...”


Shawn began to slowly back up. He dropped his car keys and broke out in a run to the gym door. He unlocked the doors and stormed in. But the figure followed. He ran around the gym but the figure finally got a hold of him. The moon light from the windows was shinning. The light revealed it was none other than BJ who was following him.


Shawn -"You dirty scumbag! Don't like what I did to a little friend? He was just an example off what I am going to do to you."



Shawn spit in BJ's face. BJ threw the first punk which connected right to Shawn's jaw. Shawn threw another to BJ's skull. He threw another, another, and another. BJ fell to the ground. Shawn ran over to the punching bags. He took off the chain connected it to the roof. Shawn wrapped the chain around BJ's neck. BJ gasped fro air. BJ tried to get his arms up to pull Shawn over. BJ got hold off Shawn's head and tossed him over Shawn over his own body. BJ rubbed his neck and felt where the chain was on his neck. Both men slowly got up from the attacks. BJ over to the weights, he pulled out a 65 lbs. weight and lunged it for Shawn's head. It smacked against his head and Shawn fell down bleeding from all over his face. [/i]


Shawn -"Hold on BJ, One of us isn't coming out of here alive tonight."


Shawn slowly got up, grasping his face. He ran from for BJ but he tripped Shawn before he could do damage. Shawn got up again but this time connected with a bone crushing punch to the ribs. BJ fell over clutching his chest. Shawn looked over BJ and pulled out something. It was a gun.


Shawn -"Remember this BJ? This is the same gun I killed Steve with. And I am going to kill you with it to!"

BJ's eyes winded as he rose up from the ground before Shawn could even think about pulling the trigger he grabbed Shawn's hands. BJ kicked at the back of Shawn's knees trying to bring him down but the he didn't budge. The two were fighting for the gun. Shawn forced the gun towards BJ. BJ pushed the gun back at Shawn. The gun was forced towards BJ. He saw Shawn's finger on the trigger. The trigger began to move as BJ pushed it back. Bang! Blood was splattered everywhere. Shawn shot himself in the head. BJ looked at Shawn lifeless head. His eyes were still open. BJ looked away and left the gym.
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Day of Loaded

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BJ didn't got to the gym the next day. Why would he? He decided to work out at Home instead. So, he got changed and headed to his garage to get some weights, his bench, and a punching bag. He took it to his basement and worked out for about 3 hours. It was 11:30 am. He decided to spend some time with Heather before he went to the airport. After having lunch and talking about how bad Heather's job was. He kissed her goodbye and headed to the airport. He got on the flight at 1:00 and got to New York at 6:30. After having dinner he took a cab to Madison Square Garden, the greatest arena of all time.

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WFWF locker room

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BJ got in his locker room and collapsed on the bench. He was so whipped out. He had a big match for the Tag Team Heritage cup. Is partner, at least, was someone that he could trust, David Williams. BJ's attire for tonight was orange tights with Project Hardcore on the bottom of them. He had a matching bandanna and fur trench coat with Project Hardcore written on them also. He pulled his elbow pads on and wrapped his wrist tape. HE tied up his boots and approached the back off the curtain as Fire by Jimi Hendrix played. He stormed the curtains as the Announcer said.

Announcer -"And his partner, from Tacoma Washington, weighing tonight at 195 lbs, BJ Rocker!"





OOC: Sorry for being late guys. I was sick this week. I hope you like this one.

[Calvin]

Why did this guy get shot? What happened to him? It's an interesting storyline, but I honestly don't know what is going on, unless you have been carrying this for a while, and I missed something. Either way, a rushed rp here...makes sense since, you were late. You do leave us in suspense, as to what happened to this guy. Does he live? or die? That is probably the best thing in this rp.

[Kurt Burton: Script Doctor!]

Shawn shot himself in the head. BJ looked at Shawn lifeless head. His eyes were still open.

I think that sums it up.

So I get this is a revenge story. As Calvin noted above, I'm confused as to why there was a revenge story. What happened?

Good description, good dialogue. I think you are on your way.

[sonstuds]

First off, I find it kind of funny Calvin asked whether or not Shawn died when it was written that he got shot in the head, but I suppose that's neither here nor there...

I think this was a bit of a shame. The idea was there, but I dunno, the really straight forward fighting kind of drowned it out for me. It's not that I'm particularly against fighting RPs if it's warranted (and in this instance I think it worked), but you wrote it very

BJ punches Shawn in the head. Shawn holds his cheek and kicks BJ in the stomach. BJ holds his stomach in pain as Shawn uppercuts him in the jaw.

I dunno, just overall a bit monotonous and eventually (to me anyways) got kind of confusing. Almost to the point where if you weren't reading with complete attention you'd miss something, considering every sentence was a new punch or what not.

And certain things just didn't particularly click with me. I mean, if a 65 lbs dumb bell is thrown at someone's head they're not gonna begin to talk smack after. They're either unconscious or dead.

The two scenes afterwards where so brief and uneventful I actually think you'd have been better off not even including them. BJ basically just killed a guy and it's not even on his mind?

I feel like it was a good effort and the idea was there, but with how straight forward in the "this is what happened, and then this happened after" sense, a lot of it came off looking kind of foolish.