Loaded RP: Locked Out?

[†hê Jå§ðñ Wïllïåm§]

WFWF comes back to show Madison Square Garden. It is pitch black outside with lights just shining on the chrome letters on the side of the wall. You can here owls and crickets making noices too. But then everyone hears a crackle of a leave. Tehre is more crackles until a man walks by the camera. He doesnt show his face, but goes on a dead walk straight to the front door of the Garden. When he makes it to the stadium he reaches for the cold door handle. He pulls it slowly, then yanks on it. The door would not budge. The man looks down and then punches the door.

Styles Effect | Thomas Brewington [/u]
Damn, I dont see why the want to lock me out of the Garden. Why would they want to lock the best new star today, Thomas Brewington, out of the arena they are filming the first ever Loaded. Is it becuase I'm black? Naw, it can't be, WFWF isn't rasict. They must have thought us wrestlers were told to go around to the back. Who knows, maybe that's why there are limos there. Well, might as well just go try there.

Brewington has a small burst of laughter, but then just starts walkng down the concrete sidewalk to the back of the arena. While walking you can see birds flying around in the distance, but thats is almost all you see. When he finally reaches the back of the arena there are 3 limos parked in the back of the arena. Thomas walks up to one of the limo drivers that has his window down. He knocks on the door, which startles the limo driver.

Candy Man | Curtis Flamberg [/u]
Oh my god., you scared the living daylights out of me. Don't jsut walk up to a man and scare him half to death becuase you could start something big.

Styles Effect | Thomas Brewington [/u]
Woo Woo Woo, I dont want to start nothing, I just wanna know, is this where the WFWF wrestlers go in?

Candy Man | Curtis Flamberg [/u]
Wha?

Styles Effect | Thomas Brewington [/u]
You know, where there is a ring, like WWF, WCW, and ECW?

Candy Man | Curtis Flamberg [/u]
Oh, yeah. I had a brain fart there.

Brewington rolls his eyes then walks to the metal doors that are already open. He walks in slowly and then realizes that vendors are just setting up for the show. Thomas goes up to a beer vendor and starts to talk.

Styles Effect | Thomas Brewington [/u]
Where can I go to see the arena where the events are?

Tommy Stenk
If you go the the right you will see two big blue doors, go in there.

Thomas Brewington starts walking to the big blue doors where Tommy Stenks told him to go. He reaches the door but before he opens the door, he sees and arguement. He gets a peak just to see the end. So then he reaches out his arm to open the doors but the doors get opened in his face. WFWF's own High Horror walks out, looks at Thomas, and laughs.

High Horror
Did that hurt newbie? Well you better get used to pain, becuase WFWF is full of pain.

Styles Effect | Thomas Brewington [/u]
Yeah Yeah Yeah, Horror you just better be ready to fight when ever I get in the ring with you, now get out of my way.

At that point, Thomas Brewington shoves his way through High Horror and he walks into a barely lit room. Brewington walks around then leans on a black barricade.

Styles Effect | Thomas Brewington [/u]
Madison Square Garden, it has been a big name for major sporting events like the NBA Final Four. There have also been first here, like Wrestlemania, which lasted 23 years after it. And now another wrestling event will take place here, WFWF Loaded. WFWF Loaded will be bigger then Wrestlemania, they have Thomas Brewington competeing. Thomas Brewington will be competeing in one of the most violent matches in WFWF history, a Loaded weapons match. All Weapons will have explosives on them. Speaking of explosives, isn't this place supposed to be blown up. Didnt Godzilla make this her nest?

At that point the screen faded to Burger King's Manthem.[/color]

[Kurt Burton: Script Doctor!]

Well, the speech is ok, I would have liked a little more description. And your jabs at management were pretty funny, apparently, they don't send out directions.

I hate seeing second person in writing. Things like "you can see", it just feels out of place. It is telling us what we should see, but if you do your job properly in the description, then you don't need to do that. see the difference here.

You can see birds in the sky, that is about all

The birds fly through an open sky, with nothing else in sight.

A little more impactful, see.

But you haven't been here too long, so this shows some great potential. Keep it up, and try to expand on your description to truly paint a picture.

[sonstuds]

Not bad. It seems like the foundation is there, you just need to let things work out a little easier. It's no shock I'm not an advocate of the whole "walking around the backstage area" considering there's really nothing there. He walks from point A to point B, gets in very brief and almost uninteresting conversations, then settles to discuss the match.

So my advice would be to try and work in a more natural and logical setting/situation.

And don't mention the camera, though admittedly, in this case at least it cleared up any confusion on whether the entire thing was getting filmed or not and stopped me from asking why he'd just talk about the match for no reason.

[Calvin]

you need to either bold or italize or do something to separate speech and description.

[bad guy™]

Go HIGH HORROR!!!! WOOP!!!....lmao.


Good RP. I think Kurt covered most of it.