Loaded RP-Retry

[The Mayhem is Commin]

Every once in awhile a man will come to a point in his life where he gets another shot at something beaiful in his life and if it is just enought that last time or maybe there will be a third time.

Retry

Jay is seen asleep in a hotel bedroom and Kay is just coming out of the bathroom after a shower with a towel wrapped around his waist. Kay walks over to his bag and pulls out some running shorts, sock, and shoes and gets them on and heads out to go on a run. As he heads out on his run he begins to think of his loaded match that is coming up later tonight.

Kay-Well tonight I will see the best of the best tag teams in the whole WFWF wrestling fed in one ring and there will be many losers but only two winners. And when that bell rings me and Jay will stand as the champs. And all others will be down for the count. Cause me and my brother are here for our retry but this one wont fail so all ya tag teams out there bring it cause ill be kicking it old school at this show in the grandest stage of them all MSQG and you know that when they callin Mr. OldSkool to show up you know history will be made.

Kay continues to run and gets acouple looks and whistle from some girls walking by as he heads back into the hotel and back up to his room. Kay walks over to Jay’s bed and sees that he missed a call from Kim and that he’s still dead asleep so he begins to shake him and blares some Seether trough a stereo to wake him up. Jay begins to slowly wake up and looks over at the clock and sees that is says 12:30 pm.

Jay-Ahhh crap I slept in.

Kay-Yeah Kim called while you were sleeping and I was out running.

Jay-Ok I’ll call her back

Jay picks up the phone and calls Kim back

*ring ring*

Kim-Hey Jay

Jay-Hey baby hows it going?

Kim-Good how are you?

Jay-Good. How are the twins?

Kim-Well I saw the doctor yesterday and told me that the due date is March 30th 2008

Jay-That’s awesome I can’t wait until then baby

Kim-Me either good luck in your match and whoop Jake at the House Show on the 11th as well ok

Jay-Ok I will well I got to go babe I love you

Kim-Love you to bye

Jay-bye

*hangs up*

Kay-So what’s the good news?

Jay-Well the babies are due on March 30th.

Kay-awesome man you’ll be a daddy. And me an uncle

Jay-Yeah

Kay-What’s wrong

Jay-Well now that I know when the babies are do I was thinking that I might have to stop wrestling and find a real job to support the babies.

Kay-You can’t quit wrestling it’s your life and your passion. And I’ll even chip in to help with the kids.

Jay-Thanks bro your right it is my passion and my life. Let’s get some lunch.

Later that night at the arena

Jay and Kay are seen in their locker room getting their match gear on. As Kay straps on his kick pads Jay steps outside to think alone.

Jay-Well tonight I’ll face the best of the best and I may come out on top or I may come out on bottom who knows but no matter what the consequence. Wrestling is my passion and I’m ready to let my passion absorb me as I get another try at those cups that me and Kay tasted so dearly last time. But this time it’s not the same because there are more than four of us in that ring and it will be an all out battle royal and only two will stand as the victors. Well to all of you listen up cause Mayhem is COMIN!!!!

Jay stands up and heads back into the locker room. As he opens the door he sees Kay kicking the bench.

Jay-Woo Kay save it for the match what’s wrong?

Kay-Ashley just called and she didn’t answer for awhile then I started hearing some moans and then I heard that something was good. Then I heard her say that she loved him.

Jay-Damn that sucks man well she wasn’t worth it anyways. And don’t take it out on the bench it did nothing to you. How bout take it out in that ring tonight as its your second match and everyone doubts you because we lost last time so lets do this.

Kay-Yeah lets get em

End

[Kurt Burton: Script Doctor!]

Ok, so here's my two cents...

1.) The dialogue between the two brothers feels really forced, I don't know, but it seemed very stiff and robotic.

2.) The dude is thinking about giving up on wrestling, and immediately decides against it, with minimal fight. Unless Jay is an incredibly wishy-washy person, this seems kind of silly. The same goes with Kay immediately calming down after Jay talks to him.

3.) I have no clue where you are. Is it a dumpy hotel, or the Ritz, or the motel six. What kind of room is it? What does the area outside the arena look like? Is it the arena for your loaded match, or an indepndant booking.

You need to strengthen these points up. I need to feel the RP to buy it.

[sonstuds]

The flaws are still here. Description is slightly improved, still a little dull and quick, but props for getting better.

The dialogue, as Burton noted, is really just flat on all ends. It doesn't come off like an actual conversation, more of a

"Person A expresses a point"

"Person B comments on point"

You still do the phone conversations, which is fine, but then you recap what was said immediately afterwards.

Kim: I'm pregnant. The babies are due in March.

Jay: That's great.

*hangs up*

Kay: What was that about?

Jay: The babies are due in March.

Kay: That's great.

See what I'm saying?

Burton nailed the other stuff like how Jay contemplates leaving wrestling, which very well could be an entire roleplay in itself if done right, but instead it's a small paragraph. And then the part where Kay finds out his girlfriend is cheating...frankly, with how short and abrupt that was you probably shouldn't have even put it in.

Lastly, the whole "they think about their opponents/match". Again, that can work, but you write it like they're actually cutting a promo and talking to someone. It really doesn't make sense

"Well to all of you listen up cause Mayhem is COMIN!!!!"

You're not even talking to anyone so it just ends up looking foolish.

You're getting slightly better but until you fix some of these kinks a RP can only go so far, honestly.

[The Mayhem is Commin]

thanks for the help and comments i will work harder to improve on those points