Loaded RP: Focus..........Lost

[recklessmatten]

Reckless is walking down a busy street. He is holding a gym bag in his left hand and his phone in his right. The music coming from is phone is blaring through the headphones and into his ears. He crosses the busy road and walks into the gym. He signs in and heads over towards the treadmill room. He places his bag down on a bench and opens it up to take a pair of gloves out. An instructor walks over to him and shakes his hand.

Instructor: Good Afternoon Sir. My Name is Mark. How are you today?

Reckless: I am fine thanks. What are we working on first?

Mark takes Reckless over to an treadmill. He steps on and Mark turns it on a steady walking pace.

Mark: Now, when your ready hit that switch to speed up, but don't over do it.

Reckless:Ok. How fast can this go?

Mark:Quite fast. Why may i ask?

Reckless: I need to work on my agility and quickness in the ring. Will this help at all.

Mark:It will help a little, but will do wonders for your stamina. Ill be back in ten.

Mark walks off. Reckless checks to see if he has gone and then speeds the machine up. The pace has quickened into to a light run. Reckless starts to focus on his breathing. He closes his eyes. His breathing becomes alot calmer. Reckless reaches over to the switch and turns the pace up to a sprint. Mark returns.

Mark:How are you doing?

Reckless:I am doing fine thanks. Just keeping my focus.

Mark:What are you focusing on?

Reckless opens one of his eyes and looks over at Mark. He signals for a drink and Mark gets him a bottle of water. Mark asks him again. But Reckless just looks at Mark. Mark shuts up. Reckless throws the bottle of water to the floor.

Mark:Do you mind not littering sir?

Reckless:Ill clean it up. When are we moving on?

Mark: We have a while yet. You have to really feel the pressure.

Reckless:(Laughs) This is not pressure at all. Being a wrestler is pressure. All of the people counting on you, your friends and family hoping for you success. You feel pressured by all that.

Mark:Well sir i would not know, i don't wrestle.

Reckless gives a little smile. He slows the treadmill down to a light run again. Mark asks Reckless to stop for a few seconds and attaches a blood pressure monitor to Reckless' chest and arms. Reckless starts to jog and Mark turns the machine on.

Mark:You may feel a few little tingles, but its normal.

Reckless:I am used to more then tingles. You obviously don't know the pain we go through. This will be nothing.

Mark nods his head. He tells Reckless to stop. He steps off the treadmill and Mark takes some readings. He smiles.

Mark:Your in good health sir. Now follow me.

Mark takes Reckless over to a rowing machine. Reckless sits down and prepares himself. He leans over and grabs the handle and starts to pull back and forth.

Mark:I know this may be a bit personal but, what is it like being a wrestler?

Reckless:Hard work. Straining. Its alot more then what it seems. You have the backstage politics, the flow of a great match, and you have to stay focused all the time and maintain you mentality in a match.

Mark:Do you have a match coming up?

Reckless: Yes i do. I am against a guy called Possessed Child, one heck of an athlete. He has such a presence in the ring, its hard to keep your cool with him. Thats why i am here today. Working on my fitness and my focus.

Mark gets up and walks over to the drinks machine. Reckless is working hard. Mark comes over with a couple of bottles of water. He sits down and continues to listen to Reckless.

Reckless:There is so much i need to work on in so little time. Last year i had the match of my life. Last man standing against a guy called Shields. I won the match, but ever since i have never been able to be as good as i was then. It took so much out of me.

Mark:Sounds like it. With a name called Last Man standing, one can only wonder what happened to you.

Reckless:If i had a few hours i would tell you the whole story, but i can't remember much from the aftermath, i think i passed out at some point. It was brutal.

Reckless lets go of the handle. He looks down to the floor and lets out a huge sigh.

Mark: Stay focused Reckless.

Reckless gets up and pours his water over his head and heads towards his bag. He picks it up and hurries out of the room. Mark follows quickly.

Mark: Reckless, where are you going. We are not done yet.

Reckless stops.

Reckless: I know your not, but i am. I have to go.

Reckless walks out of the gym as Mark looks in disbelief. Reckless stops at the road and calls for a taxi. He gets inside. The taxi heads of into the distance. Mark walks to reception.

Receptionist: What was that about?

Mark: He lost his focus.

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Here is my RP. i tried to follow one theme like people have been saying. Read and rate and replies will all be read.

-Reckless-

[sonstuds]

The description was pretty monotonous and began a check list of activity. He walks down a street. He gets to a door. He opens the door. He walks in. Just combine some of those sentences, and while

"Walking down a busy street, Reckless is a holding a gym bag. Clutching his cell phone with his free hand, he crosses the road and approaches a nearby gym."

is by no means amazing, it definitely looks and sounds better.

Similar situation with the speech, it just never really comes off as real. You had the really awkward, blatant, and uncalled for "announcing he's a wrestler while also talking about his opponents". Just try and let that flow so it's more natural. If you're a wrestler and someone mentions pressure, would be so quick to just jump in and begin listing how hard of a profession it is?

An improvement from last week, but let us get into Reckless' head anymore. Add more emotion and thought into the character and RP. I'm not saying to write your roleplays as

Reckless:

Reckless' Thoughts:

Just try and let us in. If you read a Wayne McGurk or a Rev roleplay you'll notice how description isn't just what they're physically doing, it's what they're feeling, thinking, etc.

[Thunder]

EBR is 100% right. Characters need to be three-dimensional, not just cardboard cutouts, which right now Reckless really is. I hate to toot my own horn, but look at one of my RPs (especially the SOTF one) in addition to Rev and Wayne. I'm not the best at writing descriptions and don't really go into that much of detail, but I still get length and quality because I get inside character's heads. In the end, all of us here are writing fiction, and fiction is good when there are interesting characters. Until you expand on Reckless, he can only be so interesting.

[Calvin]

the fact you had this in a gym is interesting. Gym's usually dont' work, I guess it does here. But I wouldn't use it again, unless it's storyline related.

Speech is better then most stuff I've read from you. I thinke veryone else got it all covered. Just try to be creative with settings.