FDS RP: Good Luck

[One Love]

Flamez was sitting on his lockeroom bench putting his knee pads on when Yukio Blaze walked in with an envelope.

Flamez: Hey Yukio, you seem upset, you ok?

Yukio: Yeah, just a little stressed out.

Flamez: Tell me about.

Yukio: Anyways, before the show starts I’m here to give you your paycheck. It’s $1,000.

Flamez: Ok thanks.

Yukio: Well, the show is about to start, so I best be on my way. Good luck.

Flamez: Oh, and Yukio, before you go can you finish me off?

Yukio: Sure.

Yukio grabbed the tape and put it on Flamez wrist. Flamez grabbed his glove and put it on.

Yukio: Ok, good luck, bye bye,

Flamez: Bye.

Yukio walked out. Flamez was about to grab his barbed wire bat when he heard his cell phone ringing. He walked over to his bag and grabbed the cell phone. It was Shawn.

Flamez: Hey Shawn.

Shawn: Hey, is the show starting?

Flamez: It should be going on now.

Shawn: Ok then, just wanted to wish you good luck.

Flamez: Ok thanks.

Shawn: Well, the fireworks are going off, you better get going. Bye.

Flamez: Bye.

Flamez hung up and put the cell phone and his check back in the bag. He grabbed his bad and quickly ran down the hall.
Dad: Slow down, don’t use up all your energy.

Mom: Yeah, your father is right for once.

Flamez: Ok fine.

Mom and Dad: Good luck!

Flamez: Thanks, bye. And stop getting into my head before matches. It gives me a headache.

Worker: You ready?

Flamez: Let’s do this.

Worker: 5……4……3…..2…..1! GO GO GO!

The lights shut off as Numb by Linkin Park blasted through the arena. Flamez took a deep breathe and went through the curtain.
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I know what your thinking, WTF IS THIS? I have some personal problems going on and I won't be on the computer much, so this is all I have time for.

[Calvin]

meh. oh well.

[The Mayhem is Commin]

for not much computer time not a bad rp but more detail on this one

[cureforthesickness]

why did this roleplay accomplish absolutely nothing? What is the purpose of a roleplay if nothing is accomplished? It's like you did a roleplay in front of a green screen, where Flamez just says "Hi." then end the roleplay. it's that plain and generic.

The thing with the tape and Yukio seemed to be there for the sake of being there. I reiterate a previous point (which I think I told you..) about the "$1000 paycheck". It's not believable. let's say you're making $1000. A week, a month, whatever. What does that mean I am making? I'm main eventing PPVs and currently hold the World Heavyweight title. if you're opening FDS and doing little to nothing on house shows and making a grand a week, what's an Obo or a Wayne McGurk making?

As stupid as it was in theory, the paycheck thing also really again, served no point. it was like he just got his paycheck for the sake of getting a paycheck.

The phone call.. I see nothing worth while. it's "hi, oh, I gotta go, bye" in more words. the conversation with the parents is the same.

Closing your roleplays with entrances is really lame.


Even if you only have time for a short roleplay, make it a meaningful roleplay. This seriously just reminds me of the King Kraig parody, except there's no aliens (yet).

[One Love]

Thanks Obo, I just have a lot of personal stuff on my mind and haven't had much time for ideas and all of that.

[veronicaaaahhhh]

What would have made this better if a little more time was spent on it. I can understand how hard it can be when it comes to writing under time and personal restraints, but a little more effort in terms of dialogue and description would have been a great benefit.

As for the story of the RP, it could have been better written, but in the whole gist of it, you ended all the different parts at the right time.

As for ending RP'S with entrances, I've done it a couple times before, I really don't see any problem in it, just as long as its well written.

Here's a tip when it comes to dialogue:
No two people speak the same way. We each have our own personal set of words we use from day to day. To prove a point, try writing a conversation between any two characters, lets say a husband and his wife, and their having an argument. Then, once you've finished writing that, try writing the same conversation, but instead of using characters, use your parents; write them in argument. Once you've written both, compare notes. You'll notice that the better one was the one based on your parents.

[One Love]

Thanks, at least you can understand my situation a little, but in my case it's a lot worse.

And I'm just gonna let everyone know, depending on how bad my situation is next week, I might have to quit all my efeds.

[cureforthesickness]

t9mets said:

Thanks, at least you can understand my situation a little, but in my case it's a lot worse.

And I'm just gonna let everyone know, depending on how bad my situation is next week, I might have to quit all my efeds.

are you getting arrested and having your computer taken away too?

[One Love]

No, it's more serious. This ain't the time for joking around.

[sonstuds]

Obo pretty much got covered it, but you still in that habit of doing a lot about nothing. Instead of having one sequence/scene which has an importance or point it's a bunch of little, uninteresting ones. Of course, I understand the time issues so that may be the reason this week. I'm just commenting in general.

[One Love]

Yeah, if I had a little more time it would've been a little bit better, but I'm lucky I got time now.

[CBT]

I'm just noting I intend to reply tomorrow, hopefully this is not locked.