FDS RP-Debut

[The Mayhem is Commin]

When lif comes Full circle you begin to look for another way to turn and when you find it a whole new world opens up.

DEBUT OF JAY MAYHEM ON FDS

We join Jay at his local home in Phoenix, Arizona. He is sitting at home with Kim and Kay watching the movie Pride. As it finishes Jay and Kim began to go pack for their honeymoon. In Puerto Rico. As they are packing the phone rings.

*(ring ring)*

Jay-Hello

Man-Hey Jay this is Yukio

Jay-Hey what’s up

Yukio-Not much, but I know you wanted a short vacation for your honeymoon but, you have been added to the 08/02/07 FDS card in a 6-man match.

Jay-This is great but were leaving for Puerto Rico in three hours.

Yukio-Great, the show is in Puerto Rico.

Jay-Really alright I’m in then

Yukio-Well I’ll see ya there then.

*(hangs up)*

Kim-Who was that??

Jay-Yukio.

Kim-What did he want??

Jay-To tell me that I got a match for the FDS on August second.

Kim-But we’ll be in Puerto Rico.

Jay-The show is in Puerto Rico.

Kim-Alright lets make it a great debut

They finish packing and head out to the airport with Kay along so he can take there Hummer back to the house. Jay and Kim head into the airport. And headed to security where Jay got stuck behind due to a pack of Stride Forever Fruit gum he had in his pocket. They then reached gate 557 holding the 1:30pm flight to Puerto Rico. Their flight was delayed so as they waited acouple of fans came up to Jay and asked for his autograph and pictures. Then one little boy about 8 years old in a wheelchair with his mom came up.

Mom-Can my boy have a picture with you two

Jay-Sure

They take the picture and Jay and the boy start to talk

Jay-So what’s your name

Boy-Kevin

Jay-That’s an awesome name. My uncles name is Kevin

Kevin-Really??

Jay-Yeah. So what happened to you??

Kevin(slowly)-It was a car wreck and I got paralyzed from the waist down

Jay-Really that sucks

Jay begins to think of the day when his Dad and brother crashed. When he arrived he remembered seeing a little boy about five years old at the time being taken into an ambulance. Jay turns to the Mom and to talk about the crash.

Jay-About the crash your son was in.

Mom-Yes it was tragic.

Jay-When was it

Mom-August 8, 2003 why??

Jay-Odd that’s the same day my dad died in a car wreck, and that my brother broke both of his legs. Was he with you??

Mom-No his dad, he died instantly

Jay-I’m sorry, What happened??

Mom-Well they were driving home from day care when a blue Nissan lost a tire and started swerving and hit my husband’s car dead on.

Jay-(speechless)

Jay walks off while realizing that his dad and brother were the reason this boy was in a wheelchair for the rest of his life and with no dad. Jay begins to cry as Kim walks over to comfort him.

Jay-He was in the same crash

Kim-As your dad and Brother

Jay-Yes

Kim walks back and tells the mom and talks some more

[/b]

Kim-So where are you guys going

Mom-He won some tickets to a FDS show in Puerto Rico

Kim-Odd that’s where were heading too, Jay has his debut match there.

Jay walks back over and Kim tells him the news.

Jay-Hey Kevin your going to watch me wrestle.

Kevin-Yeah I hope you win

Jay-Hey would you like to come with me to the backstage area

Kevin-If my mom would let me

Mom-Yes he can

They all board the plane and talk all the way to Puerto Rico and as they land Jay and Kim head to their hotel and finally celebrate their marriage the usual way. After about an hour of fornication Kim goes out to get some groceries. While Jay is home he receives a card for the upcoming show and sees that he’s up against Slash, Flamez, Dressler, Deville, and Horror. As he looks at this card he begins to think.

Jay-Well some of my old buddies all from the House Show circuit well Flamez you’re a new buddy of mine and we’ve had some interesting times in and out of the ring so this will be an interesting match. Dressler you betrayed your friend and sold him out and joined your rivals well to me that’s all disrespect so you don’t even deserve to be in this match or in this federation. Deville I only fought you in Slay’em all match but I’ve heard good things about you so it’ll be interesting. Horror I’ve yet to see you in the ring so maybe I’ll be surprised or disappointed. And last but not least my old partner Slash. You’re the most cockiest son of a bitch in this federation, and you have no right to boast about it all when I’ve beat you about five or six times with no problem, Then you gripe and complain so if I were you I’d watch out because you have had your share of times to win thrown in your face and lost them all so watch out cause THE MAYHEM… IS… COMMIN.

Kim opens the door with some groceries and Jay helps her bring them in and set them down on one of the tables. They begin to unpack the groceries and put everything where it belongs. As Kim reaches for a two-liter of Mountain Dew Jay notices a bandage on her left arm near the top.

Jay-Baby what happened

Kim-Oh its nothing

Jay-No its not I can see blood

Kim-Ok I ran into Slash at the market

Jay-What the did that bastard do to you

Kim-Its ok he just gave me a little cut

Jay drops the bundle of bananas he was holding and storms out of the hotel to go to find Jake. Jake pulls out his keys to their rented Lincoln Century and speeds down the main street making turns so fast and dangerous he reaches the marketplace and sees Jake buying some apples. So he hit’s the gas and hits Jake right in the back. He falls over and Jay gets up and looks at him dead in the eye. Jay rears back to punch him but stops and decides to save it for tomorrow night. Jay turns around and walks away Jake looks up and sees Jay walking away, and yells.

Jake-Hey Jay get back here and hit me you ****

Jay-(silent)

Jake-Yep I was right you are one dumb son of a bitch hahahahahahahaha

Jay continues to walk back to the hotel and when he arrives Kim is waiting for him outside their room.

Kim-Well did you find him

Jay-Yeah but I didn’t beat his ass

Kim-Good save it for tomorrow night

Jay-I will

They go into the room and set the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the doorknob

The Next Day at 5:30 p.m.

Jay and Kim head to the arena and straight into the locker room, but on their way Jay sees Yukio and goes to talk to him

Jay-Hey Yukio, thanks once again for this opportunity

Yukio-No problem Jay you earned it. Now go out there and show me what you got.

Just then Kevin and his mom come up behind Jay and say hi. Jay bends down to give Kevin a hug and Yukio asks.

Yukio-Well who’s this here

Jay-Yukio this is Kevin, Kevin this is Yukio Blaze

Kevin-Oh my god you’re the number one contender aren’t you

Yukio-Well yes I am.

Yukio, Kevin, and Jay take some pictures and sign autographs then Jay and Kevin head into Jay’s locker room and talk away about absolutely nothing until Kim comes in and tells Jay.

Kim-Your almost up and Kevin’s mom is here

Jay-Ok, Well buddy lets get going so you can watch me kick some but tonight

Kevin-Yeah lets go

Jay and Kim head to the entrance just as “Caught a Little Sneeze” hits and the crowd goes wild.

END

[sonstuds]

I'd say you're trying to do too many things without giving each time to develop.

I'll start with the first scene with the phone conversation. Kind of goes no where and repetitive. Kim's part was nothing but a recap, almost repeating verbatim what was said when Jay and Blaze talked.

The thing with Kevin is kind of similar. You explain the description that his family is the reason he's in a wheelchair, then you explain it again when he tells Kim. Stick to one or the other, no need to have it pointed out in multiple aspects. Also, I found it unintentional funny when Jay finds out a boy is paralyzed for life the first thing he says is "that sucks".

Jay thinking about his opponents was a big flaw, I thought. There's no real lead up or reason for it, just comes off that Jay had about ten minutes planned in his day to just sit and think about who he's facing. And like many others, it's addressed either to your opponents (which obviously makes no sense since they can't hear it), or Jay Mayhem thinks like he's giving promos. A lot of people do it and it really never works, and considering the context was actually pretty random.

The Jake Slash thing was something that you probably shouldn't have put in it. The idea that Kim was abducted, cut, and still comes home with the groceries was kind of strange in a storyline aspect. The entire car chase/conflict sequence really did nothing but hurt this roleplay. It was just goofy, lame, and unnecessary.

To go alone with my first point, just gives things more time. Just about everything in this is written so short that we get the impression it's insignificant. For example,

Jay drops the bundle of bananas he was holding and storms out of the hotel to go to find Jake. Jake pulls out his keys to their rented Lincoln Century and speeds down the main street making turns so fast and dangerous he reaches the marketplace and sees Jake buying some apples. So he hit’s the gas and hits Jake right in the back. He falls over and Jay gets up and looks at him dead in the eye. Jay rears back to punch him but stops and decides to save it for tomorrow night. Jay turns around and walks away Jake looks up and sees Jay walking away, and yells.


Jake-Hey Jay get back here and hit me you ****

Jay-(silent)

Jake-Yep I was right you are one dumb son of a bitch hahahahahahahaha

Jay continues to walk back to the hotel and when he arrives Kim is waiting for him outside their room.

That would take like two hours yet it's written in about two paragraphs. In a real time situation it just doesn't work. Not to mention if you hit Jake with a car after pressing on the gas he'd probably be dead...

[coolguylol]

This seems rushed and you spelt some words wrong.

When lif comes Full circle you begin to look for another way to turn and when you find it a whole new world opens up.

Your wife/gf/ was beat up by Slash. Only to have only little cut? How is she back Jake kidnapped her. I would've made it look like Jay rescued her back.

Kim-But we’ll be in Puerto Rico.

Jay-The show is in Puerto Rico.

It's like the same thing over and over. It kinda kills the flow of the rp.

The whole kid thing didn't really seem to stick in the RP. It was just random. Then we have Jay find out and go to find Jake. Jay you run him over. Wouldn't he be dead?

Jay rears back to punch him but stops and decides to save it for tomorrow night. Jay turns around and walks away Jake looks up and sees Jay walking away, and yells.

I would've made Jay punch him in the face. I mean being realistic, wouldn't you just punch him? Well. I can tell you worked hard but It's not the best man.

[The Mayhem is Commin]

this one was a little rush and i accidently misspelled thos im sorry i wanted this one to have alot in it and work it out so i will work on not reapeating and spelling