FDS RP 2

[zombiesx]

“I’ll take you to the truth for the truth shall set you free.” -Lamb of god

*Pitch black and I say*

Me-here I am Puerto Rico the place where FDS will be….Can I pull off the win??? Can I make it threw the showcase??? Can I show everyone greatness??? The answer is I don’t really know….I try hard and hope it amazes the fans…but njever get a damn thanks....Nor the less a ing good job
________________________________________________________________________


Cars drive by fast, and seen across the street is a man. Tore tattered jeans with holes in them looks like ****. Shirt is black and has faded letters spelling out HIM on it, With a faded Heartagram above it. This man I seem to know he is me, and I have a blank look on my face. Blonde hair dirty like brown in it almost looking like dirt.


Me-"Life is so short so why not, I say why not live like theres no tommrow? A fast turn could end your life as soon as it happens you cant go back….. You cant say sorry or tell someone you love them a last time.... Wich makes me ask one thing...Why do I put my life on the line? To be known and make money, that’s all the dream is dead now…..What was the dream??? To be in the ring was my dream…..Now the reason I am in is to make money inflicting pain on other's….. Sure I am traveling round the world but have to enjoy this…Hurting all and braking the Law…….That’s my fun time."

People walking and talking are all around. And I am walking my tore jeans like strings hanging off. They go back forward and to the side. Not in any order and I am walking not tensely but regular. And I say with strong emotion.

Me-What is my target for this match? Well that answer is to out do the man I hate…..Oh he’s married and I am happy for him…..Not!!!! He is a ****** who is blind Thug will turn on him…..Hell Thug does not even belong that’s why I have a surprise. Jay I hope your watching this is a way to get payback. Threw my eyes it is and will shock you….

I reach a run down warehouse and then walk up. There is a door at the front the building is like rusted. Dirt is on the ground and I then open the door. As soon as the door opens I steep in and its black pitch black. And no light no windows and I walk in you cant see me. And I am walking feeling against the walls until I throw my hand down. My finger hit the light switch and a light hangs down in center of the room. There is a chair center of the room with someone in it not able to tell at first, And I walk up to the front and there is Kim jays girlfriend. She is tied to the chair with rope and duck tape over her mouth…….

Me-Oh hello…….. I know you ms. Mayhem that’s the gayest name ever. Well now you’re here why did I take you?? One simple reason here Kim that is your boy friend thought he was bad. Well if he loved you one he would not be at a strip club. Two he would not have been away long enough for you to be taken….So isn’t he the best guy ever to you….You are here as he cares for you……He loves you…..I never really had love and I don’t care. Until Stevie came I was empty…..My life a Black box and feeling pain… But Id rather feel pain than nothing at all.

I start to walk a circle around her reaching into my pocket. The front of my pants looks like I have a boner. Feeling around my right side pocket. And then as I reach the front again I spin fast. And roll out a revolver throw it in the air it flipped and I caught it. Now in my hand pointing at her with no care inside my body.


Me-Well Kim this seems to be the end of the road…..Never going to be a mom or anything just you here……I am going to kill you and its sad to….How I could do it to someone like you brains and bod. We do things in life we don’t want to this is one……

I spin the gun around my finger and slam it in my right hand pocket. And then am looking dead at her and drop down to the floor. Sitting now legs sort of up and head on my knees. Her beautiful Body in front of me her in a skirt and black shirt. I say to her then as lightly in voice. And sounding disoriented and sort of insane.


Me- Oh my god what the hell am I thinking??? I cant kill her I am nothing….Nothing! I said ing nothing!

She is grunting and I stand up and tear off the tape.

Kim- You Jack ass wait until Jay finds out!!!! He will so kick your ass and I will watch. You are a heartless loser and suck. Never will be anything in life….Ever!!! Does this make you feel bad? Like you a man? No! more like a ing queer.

I slam my hand in my left pocket with power and pull something out. You can not tell what it is and then I throw it. You see it hit her in the arm and blood pours down. Hit her right beside the vain in her arm, as her arms are like in the position for you to see. As she bleeds it stays impaled in her and I say in a rage.

Me-Do you think that is a nice guy!? Bitch ass whore I have you here and that’s what you say!!! I know your dumb and all but damn bitch!! Did you think I would not hurt you? Well you where wrong! I am a ing crazy ass son of a bitch! And I hope you Dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[One Love]

Ok, this is bad. Spelling and grammar mistakes galore. No matter how many times I reread something, I still could not get it. USE WORD, USE SPELLING AND GRAMMAR CHECK, REREAD YOUR WORK, AND 1 GOOD RP IS BETTER THEN 2 BAD RPS!!

[zombiesx]

I changed some things now look.

[Calvin]

ok. I feel it's completely needed. I am going to completely disect this rp. And I have a LOT to say.

First off-Your way:

"Me-here I am Puerto Rico the place where FDS will be….Can I pull off the win??? Can I make it threw the showcase??? Can I show everyone greatness??? The answer is I don’t really know….I try hard and hope it amazes the fans…but njever get a damn thanks....Nor the less a [image] ing good job

Now my way, and by this I mean with correct spelling and grammer and I'l bold everytihng I change so you can see:

Jake Slash" Here I am in Puerto Roco, the place where FDS will be. Can I pull off the win? Can I make it through the showcase? Can I show everyone greatness? The answer is I really don't know. I try hard and hope it amazes the fane, but never get a damn thanks. Nor the less a ing good job.

You clearly don't read your rps before you post. Or you would have found that you added a J in never. Proof read your stuff, and WRITE IS IN MICROSOFT WORD! Or atleast something with spelling and grammar. I honestly only read up to this already, and that's what I found so far. I won't go through the whole rp though finding all the mistakes.

Also:

*Pitch black and I say*

You really have to start actually describing your settings, rather then just saying pitch black. Make us FEEL the mood of the setting. The atmosphere of it. ever read a novel? Does it EVER start with just "pitch black and I say."

You really have to stop saying things like "and I say" as well. We know you are saying something, hense the part called speech. Clearly if it says "Me-" we know he is saying something, so don't tell us. HOwever, it is ok to explain HOW he says things.

I really REALLY hope you had Jay's permission to use his wife in your rp as well, because that will certainly create some problems as well.

Ok, I just finished reading it, every thing up there is things I found wrong as I was reading. I see you said you changed some things, dont' do that. It's really bad to post som ething, and then edit it. If you were going to edit it, why did you post it? Hold onto the rp, and when you think it's perfect, then post it. I hate it when people post a rp and then edit. Then again, I think you only edited it because of what flamez said.

Now onto the last thing I want to get out to you. Taking someone into hostage, really doesn't do much. Usually, it's a good way to rage up a feud. I dunno if you have one with Jay or not, either way it just makes you look KINDA like A heel. I don't like how you randomly kidnapped her. Bad idea. It just doesn't work. I'd say something on your speech, but to be honest, most of it was kinda hard to understand. And the stuff I did r eally was just I hate you Jay, I kidnapped your wife. And the whole throwing sometihng at her just ruins the whole idea in a whole. You went too far with that.

[zombiesx]

I did it to make people hate me. I wanna be one of the most hated people here. I want to make history as being the one to go that far in rps. I did not kill his wife she is still alive. Thanks for the long response man and I will try everything you said. I used microsoft works word proserer for this. And rushed it sorry and I will do the best next time. You showed me the problem.

[One Love]

If you used word, then how come you don't use spell check?? And last time I heard, you and williams said you two would feud. I think you'll go down as the most hated for not taking advice people give you most of the time.

[zombiesx]

No I fell since then and dont want him to kick my ass so I stoped that.

[The Mayhem is Commin]

this rp is full of mistakes man work on ur grammar and spellin

[Thunder]

zombiesx said:

I did it to make people hate me. I wanna be one of the most hated people here. I want to make history as being the one to go that far in rps. I did not kill his wife she is still alive. Thanks for the long response man and I will try everything you said. I used microsoft works word proserer for this. And rushed it sorry and I will do the best next time. You showed me the problem.

Like I said before, if you have to explain a reply why you did something in an RP, then it probably wasn't a good idea to do it.

If you're using Word, USE SPELLING AND GRAMMAR CHECK. It's not that hard.

Calvin, thank you for being the one to disect this time.

[zombiesx]

Well as I said I will work harder next time or if its not against rules can I send it to some one and have them fix my mistakes. In grammer and stuff would that be ok.

[One Love]

Dude, this is your rp. There isn't a teacher to correct your mistakes, IT'S YOUR RP.

[cureforthesickness]

t9mets said:

If you used word, then how come you don't use spell check?? And last time I heard, you and williams said you two would feud. I think you'll go down as the most hated for not taking advice people give you most of the time.

wicked case of dejavu..

[ICW]

cureforthesickness said:

t9mets said:

If you used word, then how come you don't use spell check?? And last time I heard, you and williams said you two would feud. I think you'll go down as the most hated for not taking advice people give you most of the time.

wicked case of dejavu..

Now I understand what you were telling me before. This is a mirror reply of all the people who replied to your shows on the text fed board

[superbad]

seriously why is everyone obsessed witht this guy? i dont say this for me, but for ALOT of other superstars. There is alot of other Rp's out there that dont get read or replied to, because you guy reply the same **** over and over again to this guy. Just reply once, and if he doesnt do any better, just ignore him. Im not saying its me, because my rp's are as bad as this guy's, but there are other people who should get at least a sentance of a reply insetad of this guy soaking up the sun while you guys just reply with the SAME THING. Grammar this, spelling that, if the guy didnt get it the first time, and couldnt get it through his head the 2nd-4th time, he's not gonna even try to change. The only thing this guy did was not say as much. Seriously guys, im super super serial (i HAD to make a little bit of comedy, I couldnt be THAT serious for that long)

[sonstuds]

zombiesx said:

I did it to make people hate me. I wanna be one of the most hated people here. I want to make history as being the one to go that far in rps.

Obo did something like this before.

I used microsoft works word proserer for this. And rushed it sorry and I will do the best next time. You showed me the problem.

Maybe I have a different, better version then you (but it's like five years old so I doubt it), but if you used Microsoft Word then you wouldn't have so many typing/grammar mistakes.

An improvement from your last one (I guess), but the glaring holes are still there. You write speech to the point you can't even take it seriously ("Dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" is the prime example here). Write it as you'd actually say it, not caricatured or gimmicky. Nothing in this really comes off as natural. I, as the reader, have no feel for the character, seeing as how in the two roleplays I've read he's gone from Point A to Point B with no real continuity.

The RP also ended with no real resolution or ending. Definitely work on that.