FDS RP: Losing It

[One Love]

Flamez was sitting in the lockeroom on August 2nd at 9 o’clock. He was thinking of what happened on the previous day. He got up and looked at himself in the mirror.

I really screwed up. I can’t believe what I did. I gotta make this right.

~Flashback To The Previous Day~

It was pouring out, and I’m where?? A mall in Puerto Rico.

Christine: Hey hunny, you like these napkins??

I can be training right now and instead I’m doing this crap.

Christine: DAVID!

Flamez: Oh, what??

Christine: Do you like these napkins for the wedding or what??

Flamez: Oh yeah sure.

I’m a wrestler and I’m picking out these silly napkins.

Christine: Is this a good centerpiece??

Flamez: Yeah, sure.

What am I saying? Is there something wrong with me right now? I must feel sick for saying this. Or maybe I'm just not in the mood right now.

Christine: Like this table cloth??

Flamez: Why are you making me do this crap right now??

Oh crap, did I say that out loud??

Christine: Fine, I’m leaving, and I’m taking the car.

Christine grabbed they keys right out of Flamez hands, and took the stuff to the register.

Flamez: Come on Christine, you know I didn’t mean it.

Christine: Just like you didn’t mean for this wedding to happen??

Flamez: You know I would never fake that.

Christine: I’m buying this now incase I change my mind, but for now the wedding is off.

My heart sank, Christine called off the wedding?? This can’t be good. She just left. I went outside in the pouring rain alone. I waited for a cab. 20 minutes later the cab came. When I was at the hotel room I discovered Christine moved to a different hotel room. I called Shawn.

Shawn: Hello??

Flamez: Me and Christine got in a fight.

Shawn: Uh oh, details man, NOW.

Flamez: I said something out loud by accident while we were picking stuff out for the wedding. She said she was gonna buy the stuff incase she changed her mind, but right now the wedding is off.

Shawn: Oh great.

Flamez: Here is the worst part, when I get back here, she moved out of our hotel room.

Shawn: I’m really sorry.

Flamez: I’m gonna try and work this out, just promise me you’ll watch tomorrow.

~Back To The Lockeroom~

I stood there looking at myself in the mirror realizing what I had done. I went into my bag and got my cell phone. I typed a text message to Christine.

I’m Sorry.

I put the cell phone back in my bag. I sat on the couch when a worker tapped me on the shoulder.

Worker: Excuse me sir, your match is next.

Flamez: Ok, I’ll be right there.

I was about to walk out the door when I heard my cell phone rang. I went into my bag and got my cell phone. It said I had a new message. It was from Christine.

I’m sorry too. The wedding is still on.

I smiled. I let out a sigh of relief. I messaged back saying ok, then put the cell phone in my back.
Worker: Sir not to rush you but it’s a minute to your match.

Flamez: I’m coming.

I walked out the door, smiling.

[One Love]

OOC: I tried a somewhat new style. I enjoyed writing this. And yes I re read it.

[coolguylol]

This was your best rp yet imo. The first person is nice, liked it alot. I would like to see some more rp's like that from you.

[Calvin]

the biggest problem I have here is really just a personality thing for your character. I cant' see why he wouldnt be excited to pick out like, wedding stuff, because it is for the wedding of the women he loves, so naturally I'd think he'd be excited. Instead he comes off as a cocky prick who doesn't care for anything but him and his wrestl ing career. If that's what you were going for, kudos.

Although, I also gotta kinda feel for him, I mean if I had a girl who said the wedding was off over something as small as napkins....I'd feel foolish.

First person always is good. Except for when people do it wrong, Here, it's done right I think. It's kinda generic, but like, if you're just starting to use it that always happens.

[One Love]

Thanks, I tried to pull it off as he just wasn't in the mood for it.

[sonstuds]

Calvin kind of touched upon it, but the entire premise of the wedding being on/off was really rushed and not too effective. You never got a chance to ever feel for either of the characters. Christine gets pissy because of one sentence, cancels the wedding and moves out, then the next day all it takes is a simple "I'm sorry" and she changes her mind?

I believe someone else kind of touched upon it previously, but it's kind of funny your replies always mention needing more detail and here you have about four sentences worth of description. Considering how this was presented you had the chance to convey all the emotion and what not through it, but you never did and ended up being kind of flat. Still, an improvement over last week's so good job. Just try and let things develop a bit more as opposed to just rushing to the point.

[One Love]

Ok, thanks EBR.