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Post by The Masked Superstar on Oct 1, 2015 22:47:18 GMT -5
September 26th 2015,
I’m deep in the forests of rural Warsaw and I’m very cold. I haven’t had a meal in 3 days, and haven’t had a decent meal in a fortnight. People wonder why I do this! I do this for the Viking blood to curdle in my veins and give me the strength of Odin! It will give me strength to fight and beat Zoe Schaefer.
She has a personal trainer to help her fight, but I use the ways of training passed down by my ancestors to me. My grandfather carried supplies up a mountain in the cold, told build a House for him and his wife. He said the Viking way was with him all the way to the top. Anyway time for me to get some good rest, at the campfire for warmth.
September 30th 2015,
I’ve finally have gotten a good meal, Odin has given me a rabbit to feast on here in the woods and for that, I am very grateful. I have a couple days left of training for the battle against Zoe Schaefer. Zoe is a very talented wrestler, she won her last match strong. I predict this match to be a bloodbath and that one of us will be feasting with the gods when this match is over.
My return match at Burnout was a complete and utter failure, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind but now I am pure and ready. The bad thing is that I have endured an Injury to my foot. I had to carry some logs to the chopping block, and rolled my ankle on a massive rock. I can still compete! I will compete!
October 1st 2015,
I am ready to leave the forest to battle my opponent Zoe Schaefer. I have gained the powers of Odin and his sons. At “Into The Pit” Thor will strike his mighty hammer against his anvil, and bless me with being the winner in this match.
I will recite a prayer, for the strength to defeat Zoe Schaefer….
Odin, far-wanderer, grant me wisdom, Courage, and victory. Friend Thor, grant me your strength. And both be with me. |
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Cameron Stone
Main Eventer
Joined on: Jan 16, 2013 18:16:15 GMT -5
Posts: 2,014
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Post by Cameron Stone on Oct 3, 2015 13:54:38 GMT -5
Short but interesting. I like monologues so the inner monologueness of this was enjoyable, I especially like how you framed it as sort of diary entries. If I had to give any criticism, which I don't like to do because I'm not great and can't follow my own advice, its try to incorporate more details in, I like the short and sweet RPs, but try to explain a little bit how things make him feel. He rolled his ankle? Maybe have just a couple sentences expressing how you intend to overcome that.
All in all a nice little piece
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Post by bad guy™ on Oct 3, 2015 14:13:55 GMT -5
Short but interesting. I like monologues so the inner monologueness of this was enjoyable, I especially like how you framed it as sort of diary entries. If I had to give any criticism, which I don't like to do because I'm not great and can't follow my own advice, its try to incorporate more details in, I like the short and sweet RPs, but try to explain a little bit how things make him feel. He rolled his ankle? Maybe have just a couple sentences expressing how you intend to overcome that. All in all a nice little piece Cam's got it nailed pretty well. You know how to write for an e-fed. Your mechanics are as sound as anyone's can get. Now the goal moving forward is to try to add more detail. Full scenes. Really give us more Gotch, show us more about him outside of the ring/how his life relates to wrestling. You've got an interesting background with him being from Poland, where most of our characters are from the US/Canada/England...if you know anything about Poland (for all I know you're from there and I'm dumb) but allow Warsaw to tell some stories for you, so we can see something other than "In LA" like most of us write. You've got a chance to shine. Use it. |
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Post by Drakz on Oct 5, 2015 11:49:22 GMT -5
I too liked the diary entry style of this, but if you're going to go with this I think you should explore Gotch's emotions some more as isn't that the whole point in writing a diary in the first place? It should act as an insight into his mind, not just a list of what he did that day. As far as the ankle rolling thing goes it strikes me that within the space of 5(?) RPs Gotch has injured himself on two occasions outside of actual in ring competition. If this is a conscious decision then run with it, I want to hear his thoughts on the matter. Has he got some kind of brittle bone disease? Is he just clumsy? Without making it slapstick I think this is something you could explore as it's not something I've seen done before. I agree with bad guy™ as well in that you should give us more relating to Warsaw and the fact that Gotch lives so far from where his matches take place. This is something barely anyone else on the roster has going for them so exploit it. You've got a character that could really flourish man. My final pointer is make sure you give your work a full read over before you post as there were a number of grammatical and wording mistakes that could have been easily avoided. For a piece as short as this to have errors in it really breaks the flow of the reader and takes them out of the very scenario you're trying to paint. Keep on chugging sir. |
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Post by Rated R on Oct 5, 2015 15:45:37 GMT -5
Basically just parroting what everyone else has already said. You're biggest challenge right now is expanding what you're doing and telling a bigger story in each RP. You've got the basics down and your character work is coming along, now you've got to take it up a gear and show who Gotch really is while keeping the focus on the WFWF and your matches. It's a challenge for even the top guys sometimes to balance that but for me that's what you've got to be aiming at to move on up.
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Post by Mr. PerpetuaLynch Motion on Oct 5, 2015 15:55:33 GMT -5
Jon Gotch as a character has all the potential to be one of my favourites. I feel like this was one of your more solid pieces too. Any constructive criticism I would have is just repeating what others have already said though. Keep evolving and progressing as a writer sir , you're on the right track.
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