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Post by Yoshihiko The G.O.A.T on Jun 23, 2015 22:55:11 GMT -5
3:36 AM 6/23/15 Joey's Apartment. Seattle, Washington
I won't sleep. It's 3 o'clock In the morning but I wont rest. I spend hours and hours of my day working on moves, technique, and everything else I could possible work on. I watch old wrestling tapes, I watch modern wrestling, but then I decided to search 'What is the Match of the century' thinking I would find great material for me to study. I click the first thing I see. Its some random Q&A website. The beginning 3 answers were matches I have seen I have already seen multiple times. I keep scrolling and I nearly break my computer after reading the next comments.
"have u seen da most recent CZW stuff. there death matches are all great"
"omg Grave Consequences is so brutal and bloody Match of the year 4sure"
"any hardcore match from ECW is match of the century worthy IMO"
While performers just like me are out there working their ass off in the ring to even make it to a fed, let alone have a match of the year worthy bout are getting get overshadowed by Death Match 'Wrestlers' . Well all these so called 'Wrestlers' know how to do is maybe work a ladder, break light tubes and take a hit. That's not wrestling. That's a street fight within ropes. So I hope that it's clear that I Despise Death match 'Wrestling', and a HATE death match 'Wrestlers' and every thing they stand for. I wish my message would get across to everyone. I wish more wrestlers would join me and stop death match 'wrestling'. I could try to start a revolution but what good would it be . People wouldn't care. As long as someone's getting powerbombed off a 50 foot high building its a great match right? No. This is what's ruining the business now. Hell, I fight on the street but I'm not cutting open someone's face with a cheese grater. in a few years there will only be Death matches.. unless you do something to stop it.
Free yourself from Death Match Wrestling while you can because soon it will be too late.
4:45 PM 6/26/15 Joeys Girlfriend, Marissa's House. Seattle, Washington
We're sitting on the couch. I had just arrived and my girlfriend seemed nervous. This has became normal since my return to wrestling. She's always so jumpy and anxious whenever I have a match soon. She's terrified and I understand why. "What's wrong Rissa? does it have to do with my match"
"Of course it does. I'm worried. Ever since the injury I've had nightmares about things going wrong in the ring during your matches. It keeps me up at night thinking about how your career and life could be over with one wrong move. I get scared that your opponents will read up on you injury and try to capitalize on it or target it."
"My opponent won't get the chance to hurt me. My neck has been strong for more than a year and I've cleared to wrestle for a year. I will dominate him in the ring. He can high five all the kids in the world and tell everyone to dream big but that's not gonna stop me from hitting him with the Game Over in the middle of the ring. He can call himself the 'Hope Dealer' all he wants but at choke hold I'll become the 'Hurt Dealer'."
"Just please be careful. Don't get your self hurt out there and most importantly, since your coming of a loss, win one for me!"
"Trust me I will." I head out of the house and hit the gym to start training for my match.
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Post by Yoshihiko The G.O.A.T on Jun 23, 2015 22:57:08 GMT -5
Again not the longest piece ever but I tried to make it better in detail and longer than my last RP. I also tried to write the to parts in different styles so I hope you guys like it. Please leave constructive criticism s it will only make me better  |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2015 4:32:51 GMT -5
One of the main problems I see here is that you directly referenced CZW and ECW, which is sort of a no no around here because the WFWF is in sort of it's own universe.
"The Hurt Dealer" moniker is pretty clever, and the general direction that this RP went in was pretty good, but I feel like you could have mentioned Shapiro a little more.
Keep at it.
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Post by Yoshihiko The G.O.A.T on Jun 24, 2015 8:52:44 GMT -5
One of the main problems I see here is that you directly referenced CZW and ECW, which is sort of a no no around here because the WFWF is in sort of it's own universe. "The Hurt Dealer" moniker is pretty clever, and the general direction that this RP went in was pretty good, but I feel like you could have mentioned Shapiro a little more. Keep at it. Oh srry about that now I know for next time:) thanks for the reply |
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Post by The Gangsta on Jun 24, 2015 12:00:21 GMT -5
The CZW/ECW stuff is a no-no thing around here as we are an original fed that limits any pro wrestling shenanigans elsewhere. And honestly, don't worry about length. All you need is detail and a sense of direction. Always ask yourself, "where does this character go after the match" or "what will happen in his life that will affect his in-ring persona?" As Axel said above, there was only little mention of your opponent. Since the first half of your piece did not explain much, I expected the second half to have much more detail pertaining to Joey Raid and Shapiro. Besides the "Hurt Dealer" moniker (which is not that bad), there was not enough build to the match itself. I know it may seem daunting, but the real challenge at task is the match and Shapiro. For future reference, don't include any outside pro wrestling info and be aware of the amount of build towards the match/opponent.
You are just starting out, which makes these mistakes a lesson for you. With enough knowledge, you can set out to accomplish great things and become a valuable target around here. Don't take my words as harsh or anything, but just remember these little things to help you go all out with the character.
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Post by Yoshihiko The G.O.A.T on Jun 24, 2015 12:05:38 GMT -5
The CZW/ECW stuff is a no-no thing around here as we are an original fed that limits any pro wrestling shenanigans elsewhere. And honestly, don't worry about length. All you need is detail and a sense of direction. Always ask yourself, "where does this character go after the match" or "what will happen in his life that will affect his in-ring persona?" As Axel said above, there was only little mention of your opponent. Since the first half of your piece did not explain much, I expected the second half to have much more detail pertaining to Joey Raid and Shapiro. Besides the "Hurt Dealer" moniker (which is not that bad), there was not enough build to the match itself. I know it may seem daunting, but the real challenge at task is the match and Shapiro. For future reference, don't include any outside pro wrestling info and be aware of the amount of build towards the match/opponent. You are just starting out, which makes these mistakes a lesson for you. With enough knowledge, you can set out to accomplish great things and become a valuable target around here. Don't take my words as harsh or anything, but just remember these little things to help you go all out with the character. Thanks for the reply man  ill definitely work on it |
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Post by jdfranchise on Jun 24, 2015 13:31:33 GMT -5
Ante and Axel nailed a lot of my talking points bro, so thank you guys for stepping up and offering suggestions and feedback.
It's like I told you at New Dawn, this game is a constant learning experience and you must've taken that to heart because this effort shows me that you are willing to learn. Ante and Axel already mentioned the real life wrestling promotions being a no no, but don't get too discouraged about that because many before you have done that. Just commit it to memory and you'll be fine in that regard.
Now what I like here is that you've set some hooks, which is key in character development.You've given us a glimpse of Joey's personal life and established there's a conflict with his career choice. All of these things can be built on, but like Ante said, make sure you're always looking forward to see how what you're writing now can affect your future pieces.
Something you'll want to try to do moving forward is try to let your scenes play out organically. The scene's you've done here seem cut off just as they started getting intense. You seem to have an understanding of dialouge, so keep working on that. Also remember to proofread your work for mechanical errors. @progwd put a good checker site in the General Discussion.
You're doing some good things here, and I think you have potential here to do some really cool things in WF. Just continue to soak up all the information you can and you'll be doing big things in no time.
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Post by Yoshihiko The G.O.A.T on Jun 24, 2015 14:01:20 GMT -5
Ante and Axel nailed a lot of my talking points bro, so thank you guys for stepping up and offering suggestions and feedback. It's like I told you at New Dawn, this game is a constant learning experience and you must've taken that to heart because this effort shows me that you are willing to learn. Ante and Axel already mentioned the real life wrestling promotions being a no no, but don't get too discouraged about that because many before you have done that. Just commit it to memory and you'll be fine in that regard. Now what I like here is that you've set some hooks, which is key in character development.You've given us a glimpse of Joey's personal life and established there's a conflict with his career choice. All of these things can be built on, but like Ante said, make sure you're always looking forward to see how what you're writing now can affect your future pieces. Something you'll want to try to do moving forward is try to let your scenes play out organically. The scene's you've done here seem cut off just as they started getting intense. You seem to have an understanding of dialouge, so keep working on that. Also remember to proofread your work for mechanical errors. @progwd put a good checker site in the General Discussion. You're doing some good things here, and I think you have potential here to do some really cool things in WF. Just continue to soak up all the information you can and you'll be doing big things in no time. Thanks ill be sure to work on that and everything else  |
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Post by Drakz on Jun 27, 2015 15:28:22 GMT -5
What these guys said. Especially the part you highlighted from jdfranchise. That second scene in particular could have easily been made into more. Think of it from a real life perspective. That's one heck of a short conversation between two partners don't you think? I'm not saying bulk it out with loads of nonsense that isn't needed, but it kind of started and ended very abruptly. Set the table before wolfing down the food etc etc etc. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2015 16:08:51 GMT -5
This was an improvement from the first I feel. Like the lads above me mentioned, WFWF is separate from CZW and ECW, but I will say it got the point across. Just remember that for the future. The "against death match" wrestling is something I think you've struck gold with and could be at the very least a midcard title contender if you develop it into something good. Keep listening and reading.
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Post by Yoshihiko The G.O.A.T on Jun 27, 2015 17:06:37 GMT -5
What these guys said. Especially the part you highlighted from jdfranchise. That second scene in particular could have easily been made into more. Think of it from a real life perspective. That's one heck of a short conversation between two partners don't you think? I'm not saying bulk it out with loads of nonsense that isn't needed, but it kind of started and ended very abruptly. Set the table before wolfing down the food etc etc etc. Thanks for the reply I'll be sure to work on the convos and make sure there not super quick |
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Post by Yoshihiko The G.O.A.T on Jun 27, 2015 17:08:13 GMT -5
This was an improvement from the first I feel. Like the lads above me mentioned, WFWF is separate from CZW and ECW, but I will say it got the point across. Just remember that for the future. The "against death match" wrestling is something I think you've struck gold with and could be at the very least a midcard title contender if you develop it into something good. Keep listening and reading. Thank you I will be sure to elaborate on the deathmatch hatred. Let's just say the next RP will really have to do with that and family members |
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Post by Rated R on Jun 28, 2015 4:39:02 GMT -5
Yeah I'm not going to go into depth on the piece itself because everything I could say has been said already, but what I will say is that it's great to have guys like you here that genuinely want to learn. Too many times right now we get guys who show for a few matches, decide they don't want the hassle because they're not winning and then leave. To have guys who take their criticism, say they're going to take it and get better and then actually go and get better because of it, that's the kind of wirters we want and need around here. This was superior to what we've seen from you so far but I can tel it definitely won't be the best we see because you're only going to get better if you keep taking everyone's advice into account.
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