Paradigm RP: Shapiro

[Danger10]

It all feels like a dream, scratch that, it all feels like a nightmare. It feels like I'm walking these halls in slow motion. Normally on days like this I'd be in the gym training. But this is no normal day, Sean's laying in a hospital bed with tubes down his throat. This couldn't have come at a worse time, I just lost a number one contenders match at Big Trouble In Little Seattle and now at Paradigm I got Thornstowe and Aomori. On a more positive side, I get to team with Stan McMann, the Manliest Manly Man himself.
I faced Axle Aomori in a triple threat at Big Trouble In Little Seattle, so I have know what to expect from him. And Thornstowe, well I don't really know what Thornstowe's problem with me is. I know what he says, but it just seems like he's misplacing his anger and frustration on me. But I sure can't wait until Paradigm, so I can get my hands on him. Just by entertaining the thought, my blood starts to boil. Then, I hear the door open. I turn and look, not expecting any visitors, to see the nurse enter the room.

"How are you today?" She asks with a smile.

"I'd be better if my friend here was conscious," I respond.

"I'm just going to check his vitals," she says as she removes the stethoscope from around her neck. "All things considered, he's doing alright." She says.

"What makes you think that?" I ask with a somewhat puzzled look.

"Well, he's showing brain activity for one, which means no brain damage. His vitals look great and he's got a great friend by his side," she winks and smiles before she heads for the door.

I hope she's right and I hope he can recover soon because I need Sean now more than ever.

=================================================================================================================================================================================================

It's a bright and sunny day as I exit my car. I'm here at the local park for a picnic for special needs children. There's a better turnout than what I thought. People are out here throwing a Frisbee around, some have a football and there's small crowds scattered throughout the park conversing. There's so many people here I'm having a hard time finding Grady. I asked him to come on my behalf, I didn't think I'd be able to make it with Sean in the hospital. But I had second thoughts and figured it might be good for me to leave the hospital and get some fresh air. Plus, I made a commitment and I feel the need to honor such commitment.

I walk around for what feels like half an hour but more realistically it's been about 5 to 10 minutes. Finally, I spot Grady behind the grill flipping burgers.

"How you enjoying yourself so far?" I ask him as we shake hands.

"I'm having a good time," he responds. He looks shocked to see me "I thought you weren't going to be able to make it."

"Yeah, well," I start as I search for the words to explain the plethora of emotions I've been under, "I just thought it would be nice to get away and get my mind off things."

"Yeah, I don't blame you," Grady says as he diverts his attention back on the burgers and food on the grill, "I hate hospitals, I sure as hell wouldn't want to be cooped up in one for a long time."

"You and me both," I respond, "but I feel like I owe it to Sean, I wouldn't be where I am today without him."

"No, I feel you," he says, "so how are you holding up?"

"I sure could use some advice from Sean," I hand an empty plate for him to fill with food, "Thornstowe's my biggest challenge yet."

"Don't worry about that jerk," he puts a burger on my plate, "he's just trying to mess with your head."

"I hope you're right," I say taking his opinion in.

"Yeah, he's just trying to make you second guess yourself," he tells me.

"Well, it's working," I say frustrated, "I just don't get his problem with me really."

"He says he sees evil in you right?" He asks.

I nod in agreement.

"Well, I think he also sees good in himself, and doesn't like that one bit." Grady says.

I don't respond, but I believe Grady has a point.

"He hates all the goodness in his heart and he sees you with your heart on your sleeve," Grady continues, "so in a way, you represent the good in his heart. Hell, you represent the good in
everybody's heart, he just takes it personal."

Grady's right and I refuse to let Axel get to me. He's gonna regret starting a beef with me and at Paradigm, he's gonna find out just what the Hope Dealer stands for.

[Danger10]

Definitely not great, but I had to get something in for the deadline. My son is in 3 different sports now so I've been running from practice to games and vice versa, so I haven't had as much time to write as I would like to have.

[jdfranchise]

Brother I know all about having kids in extracurricular activities. My oldest one is in the middle of basketball season, so we're going to practice and games every week. 

As for the content, this felt like a step up. I think you are really trying some things with Shapiro and the Hope Dealer gimmick, it seems like time to get your thoughts down properly is your biggest enemy. No worries though because I think you're taking steps in the right direction. I think once you find the best way to maximize your time and extend on the thoughts that are there, you'll see your writing start to improve even more. That and make sure you're checking your sentence flow, because I saw a couple that would've been much better if they were worded differently. SYE is one of the best at using his internal monologue to expand a story and I think taking a look at his work will give ya something solid to reference.

[Rated R]

Yeah I can tell that you had time difficulties with this one because it cut off really suddenly but all things considered it wasn't bad at all. Like Josh said you seem to be getting to grips with the Hope Dealer gimmick pretty nicely, one of the best things that people can do in a RP fed is turn their gimmick into a personality. Let the in-ring character bleed into their work because they should really be one and the same and you should be able to justify every single thing they do to an opponent by their thought process outside of the ring. You've made a start to yourself and if you can find the time to start putting out a full, beginning to end narrative then you're going to get a big boost I'm sure.

[Drakz]

I actually agree that based on the writing alone this is your best work. It felt more adult and it flowed much better than previous outings.

Clearly your biggest flaw is your lack of time, which seems to be an issue for a lot of people here these days. I hope you can find some time in the future though as this was just a glimpse at the fact that you are capable of putting together well written pieces. The time will allow you to add the meat to those bones and really get something going.

Well done for getting something up though.