Big Trouble In Little Seattle RP: The Start

[Deleted]

----------THE BEGINNING----------

Ever since I was young I've been criticized, I've been the underdog because I'm not like others. I'm not the person who has been the standout in sports, who has had the perfect family in a white picket fence house, but who has a perfect family? Those preppy people in my hometown act like they do, but I know different. That's one of the reasons I didn't go to the college there, what's the point? It will just be full of criticism because the way I look, the way I act, it is looked down upon, it has been looked down upon my whole life. Even my own parents, who seemed to hate me, they looked down upon it. That's why I didn't care when my dad left home, I never liked him anyways. The criticism I have received I have learned to welcome it, to embrace it, why? Because it's what has started to fuel me. It was horrible for me in highschool, I was the guy who was the loner because I didn't do sports or relate with the in crowds, I didn't care to though. I mean, what's the point to even try to relate to people in highschool? So you can have friends? So you can hang out on the weekends and go places? I was and always have been perfectly content with staying in and listening to my music. There was never any place to go in that dumb town anyways which is why I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, and I did thankfully, who would want to live in a town of five hundred people anyways? The only thing there was a military school which I avoided going to. My mther wanted to send me there because she thought I might need structure, it's not like the structure would have helped, I would have just ran away from that place anyways. That's why as soon as I graduated I moved away and started my wrestling career.

----------THE CALL----------

I heard my phone ringing, which was weird because no one usually calls me, unless it's the XWA informing me of something. I looked at the phone and it was a number I had never seen before. I was tempted to let it go to voicemail but said f*ck it and pressed the answer button on my iPhone.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Axle? This is the WFWF calling and we just wanted to extend an invitation for you to join the company"

"When and where?"

"We can send you all the details as soon as we finalize the paperwork."

"Send the details to my manager and I'll be there."

----------THE TRIP----------

I pressed the end button on my phone and let out a smirk. It was time to prove to the wrestling world that I'm not a one trick pony, and that I'm not just a one company pony. It was time to prove all my critics wrong, it was time for the WFWF to meet the hell that is Axle Aomori. So I went into the closet of my house, it isn't a big house, no reason for one I don't have family or a significant other. What is the point? I don't need to be tied down, nor do I want to deal with that constant drama. I picked up my empty black duffle bag that I put all of my stuff in. I threw my wrestling boots along with my pants in the bag followed by some random clothes. I took my jacket off of the hanger it was on then put it on, I picked the duffle bag off of the floor and threw the shoulder strap over onto my shoulder followed by turning the lights off in my closet. I started to head out to my car when my phone rang. I dropped the duffle bag then reached into my pocket and pulled my phone out. It was my manager so I decided to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Hey Axle, it's Tony. I just wanted to tell you the WFWF just called me, they said to be at the Key Arena in Seattle, they are going to book a big debut match for you."

"Sounds good Tony."

I hang the phone up, put it back in my pocket, then pick the duffle bag up and throw it over my shoulder again. I head out to my garage get in my car then head out to the airport. I reach the Indianapolis Airport drive into the parking garage, park my car then head to the terminal. I reach the terminal for the airport and hear a ding.

"Now boarding the flight from Indianapolis to Seattle."

Before I start to head onto the plane I get another call on my phone, I take it out again, look at it, and see it's Tony calling again, so once again I answer it.

"Hello?"

"Axle, it's me again, I just wanted to let you know I found out what your match is going to be, it's going to be a National Championship Eliminator match and it's a triple threat. It's you vs an old acquaintance, Diamond Jack Sabbath, and a man you aren't familiar with, Shapiro. I just wanted to inform you so you know ahead of time."

"Alright looks like I'll be taking out two men which is fine with me Tony. Now leave me alone I'm getting on a long ass flight from Indianapolis to Seattle."

I hang up the phone again and hear another ding.

"Final call for boarding on the flight from Indianapolis to Seattle."

I board the flight at the last minute, I'm the last person but I don't care. I find a seat near a window, and sit down, my Duffle Bag is just small enough to put on the top. So I do then sit down. The plane takes off then I immediately start thinking about my match against DJS and Shapiro.


----------THE ARRIVAL----------

The plane lands finally after five long hours of thinking. I stand up, get my bag out from the top then walk off the plane. I walk immediately to a rental car place, get a rental car then walk outside into the cold weather of Seattle, Washington.

"Why don't they schedule shows up here in the Spring or Summer, not in the winter, idiots."

I head out to the parking garage where they park the rental cars. I pick a nice Mustang, open the trunk, throw my bag in, then get in the car and drive off. I put the Arena in the Navigation system it has and it takes me to the Arena. Slow traffic but I eventually get there. I park the car out in the back then hop out, pop the trunk, get my bag out, then slam the trunk and head into the Arena. After entering I see a number of technicians and backstage workers, no wrestlers though. After I walk a little bit deeper into the Arena I see DJS, I pass him and we exchange glances and quick Hellos, though nothing else is said because we both know what's on the line in our match tonight. I reach the locker rooms, then throw my bag under one of the benches. I don't sit down however, I immediately leave the locker room, then walk around the backstage area, passing some wrestlers until I get into an Area where I see Daniel Knight, he sees me and we make eye contact which makes him want to give me an interview.

"Axle...Axle...can we at the WFWF get an interview?"

"What do you want?"

"We want to know what you are doing here, and what exactly your plans are?"

What am I doing here? I'm here because the WFWF wanted me here, and because I am after one prize, the WFWF National Title that is currently held by Ante Whitner, and I will go through anybody to get that title around my waist."

"Well tonight you go up against a man you are familiar with in Diamond Jack Sabbath, and a man you don't know, Shapiro. What are your plans for that?"

"My plans for that are simple; beat the hell out of both of them, win the match, then go on and take out either Devilkiller or Ante Whitner, because after tonight, I will prove that I deserve my shot at that title."

"Well even if you win, how do you know you will get a shot at it?"

Because they will have to give me a shot at it, especially after I decimate those two. DJS never wanted a piece of me in XWA because of one fact, he's scared. Now I don't know much about Shapiro, but after tonight. I guarantee, he will wished he never came face to face with Axle Aomori."

"Do you have any other plans for here in the WFWF?"

"Yeah, to become the World Champion, but one step at a time right? That National Championship is coming to me, sooner rather than later whether the WFWF likes it or not, and remember this, The New Age in the WFWF, has begun."

[Dex]

Hello and welcome to the federation Axle I hope you enjoy your stay, and hopefully enjoy the experience. I've heard somewhat promising things of you, and given your XWA experience, i'm really hoping that you can elevate to the next level and become a top competitor here. While reading this piece, I do indeed think that you have a lot of potential. I would really recommend you to read more such as works written by other competitors here, such as - Drakz, Prophet of Ash, and Rated R. I really do believe that you could learn quite a lot on RP'ing and how to develop a style of writing in this format that works for you. The one major critique I have for this roleplay, is to show the audience, and not simply tell us. You have a character with a very intricate back-story, that should be shown to the audience. There is a lot you describe here about your child-hood throughout this piece, but you aren't descriptive enough with the events, so it hasn't done much to persuade me to feel empathy at all for Axle. Everything else is pretty decent for a first role-play. Just read other works and start developing your character. Good job.

[Deleted]

Thanks for the feedback. I will try to describe his background more in the RP's to come. I will definitely read more of their RP's and take in some of how they write and use that to develop my own style. This was the first time I used this style and I actually prefer it over the other types I tried because I feel like I actually get involved and it helps me write. But thanks for the advice and feedback. I look forward to developing a stronger writing style.

[CM Poor]

Well, then. Welcome aboard and all that.

You've got the idea here. I guess the next step would be to flesh it out and fine tune it. I gather you're an XWA expatriot, but I dunno how character driven that whole dance is. I always recommend doing a character sketch so you can really flesh out your character beyond age, name, etc. Really dig deep and devise where he's been and what he's seen so that when you're writing about it, you're not just winging it - you know it.

Otherwise, I'd say your big weaknesses here are dialogue and redundancy. I think it was Drakz who recent advised someone to try saying the lines of dialogue in their piece out loud, and if it sounds like you're having a stroke or something, try writing it a different way. Don't be afraid of pronouns and other devices to avoid mass repetition in your descriptions - one that stands out to me is Axle picking up his rental whip - "he went to the rental car place to pick up a rental car. Then he went to where they keep the rental cars to pick out a rental car" - y'know?

You can definitely hack it here though, 'cause this definitely isn't the worst debut piece I've ever seen and some people who've committed much more grave atrocities are currently thriving here. Good luck, and have fun.

[Deleted]

Thanks for the feedback and I'll try to do that character sketch and figure more out.

[Rated R]

Yeah I'm firmly with Brennan here, this wasn't bad at all for a debut piece, and the good thing is I know you from the XWA and I know you're not one to hightail it the moment you get some criticism so you'll definitely fit the fed well. To go with what Brennan said I want to recommend next time round rereading what you've written and taking out anything that doesn't improve the piece. If there's a sentence that's just there and doesn't serve any purpose then cut it out. You've got to flesh out the character and the best way to do that is to streamline things so you can focus on what's important. Read stuff from guys like Drakz, Schneider, Brennan, Kyzer and myself and see how we do things and then turn that into your own style. You've got a lot of room to grow but don't worry man, I've got a feeling you're going to do just fine.

[The Gangsta]

Welcome to the fed man. I see that you come from XWA so its nice to see guys from everywhere else come and compete. For a first piece, this was not bad at all. Like Brennan said above, the dialogue was bit redundant and wordy. However, that is fine because this is your first piece and all. You'll just improve overt time if you keep at it and observe the competition. The National Title division is heating up drastically and you join the others in the quest for the title. Like anyone else would say, develop the character and create more opportunities for extensive monologues and Axle's thoughts. I hope to see you down the road sometime, for the title or whatever. It would be a great chance to compete with new faces. Good luck and just have fun with it.