Post by Sleazyness on Aug 9, 2014 18:03:39 GMT -5
March 4th, 2009
“Welcome, everyone! Please take a seat”, said a man wearing a green turtle neck.
I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life. I find myself sitting in a room full teenage lunatics who are probably the black sheep of their families and a much older gentleman with a receding hairline. These posters on the wall of smiling children make me sick. I despise images like that. We all know they were paid to smile. If they weren't paid, they wouldn't be smiling. They would be sad. Why? True happiness doesn't exist, that's why.
“Hello, everyone. My name is Joe. I am one of the five counselors here at New Oakland. You have all been enrolled to be a part of this Face-to-Face program by a loved one. We are here to help you all feel better about yourselves and work through your problems. If you want to work through your problems, it is important that you open up to us all and share exactly what your problems are. If you have anything to say about what anyone is saying, please save it until the end and make sure what you say is encouraging and respectful!”
~ 15 MINUTES LATER ~
“I never felt accepted by my peers at school”, came from the mouth of a girl whom was wearing too much eyeliner.
Give me a break. I couldn't look like I care less about what this girl was ranting about if I tried. I'm trying my hardest not to set this girl straight, but one screw up can land me in jail. They said this was my last chance to redeem myself, I have to take advantage of this opportunity.
“We accept you, Anna. Right everybody?”, Joe asked, looking around at us as Anna was in tears.
A blonde haired girl rose from her chair and proceeded over to Anna, who had mascara smeared all over her face.
“I know I do!”, said a girl with a smile on her face as she gave Anna a hug.
I don't understand why this girl is so happy to be here in this yellow room full of sorrow. I certainly don't want to explain how I feel nor do I think these people deserve to hear about my life.
I observed the yellow wall. I ran my fingers against the bumpy wall to only to come to a realization.
These walls aren't soundproof. This makes me even more reluctant to share my inner thoughts.
“What about you?” Joe asked staring at me. Curiosity filled his round brown eyes.
I turned my head and eyeballed him.
“Me?” I asked.
“Yes, you. Everyone in the circle has shared their stories and feelings, but you. It's your turn. Please, tell us who you are and why your loved one has enrolled you into the program”, Joe pleaded.
Well, this is my last chance at redemption. If I don't follow though with this, I won't have any freedom. Freedom only exists outside of a jail cell. As much as I don't want to talk about what has driven me to do such heinous crimes, I have no choice.
“The name is Kyle, I'm 17 and I am a senior in high school”, I began as my leg started to shake.
I glanced at the other teens in the circle as all 7 set of eyes beamed directly at me.
“When I was seven years old, my mother's life was taken from her. I have had a hard time coping with my loss. She was unlike any other woman. She would always put my brothers and I before herself. She lived to make us smile. My brother ran away from home leaving just me and my father. I felt hopeless and lost, I still do. I don't know what I did wrong to deserve any of the misfortunes I have received in life. I have anger issues that are difficult to govern. I have assaulted many students and have done more unacceptable actions that I fail to have any regret for”, I explained.
Tears began to fall from my eyes.
Why am I crying? That's the last thing I want to be doing. These tears makes me look weak and spineless. I can't stop crying though. The truth has come out, and my emotions are uncontainable.
“I've tried to cut my life short many times. One time, I came from home and just couldn't keep holding in my emotions. I wanted to escape this cold world. I wanted to be free from all the pain and suffering. I remember going into my kitchen and opening that drawer and looking for the sharpest knife possible. I picked up that shiny knife and ran to my bathroom. I sat in the bathtub for at least 30 minutes. I ran one side of the knife across my fingers. I looked at that knife and saw a reflection. A reflection of someone who needed to escape. Someone who was losing his grip of reality. Someone who couldn't take much more of the suffering. I slowly gazed down at my wrist and cut it as deep as I could. I was quickly beginning to lose consciousness and life was flashing before my eyes. My father came home from work just in time to save me from bleeding out. He put a white Budwiser towel over my wrist and applied pressure to stop the bleeding. My father called 9-1-1 and they arrived in a short matter of time”, I continued, imagining the gruesome memory as I tried to stopped myself from crying.
I noticed everyone was watching me cry. I quickly covered my bloodshot eyes so no one could see the emotional wreck that I am.
“It's okay to cry, Kyle. We all have emotions and we all cry. If we didn't, we wouldn't be human”, Joe said in an apologetic voice.
I wiped my eyes with my forearm.
“You aren't alone, Kyle. You have us and we will make it through this together”, said a girl.
Together? This girl doesn't even know me and she wants to help? But why?
“That day, I realized hurting myself wasn't the answer. The damage I self-inflicted was only hurting those around me. My father was pleading and begging for me to stop doing this stuff to myself. I concluded that killing myself wasn't what my mother would have wanted me to do. So I found another way to release all my anger and pent up aggression, hurting others. I haven't tried it out yet, but I am considering giving it a shot”, I explained.
......................... March 21st, 2010 .........................
This is it. It's the day that I have been waiting for. I am finally finished with this cruddy Face-to-Face program. I will admit, I was a bit reluctant to participate at first. You know what? It was worth it. I have found myself living a white lie way too long. I didn't know what I was walking into at first, but I do now. The people that I have shared my life with for the past year are just like me. We are all teens with problems that we struggle to deal with.
“Well, here we are. Just because you are sitting in the same room that you were in when you first started this program, doesn't mean that you are in the same state of mind that you were all in before”, Joe began, smiling as he looked around the circle of teens that were once black sheep that sat around him.
He isn't joking. I am not in the same state of mind now. I am a cleansed man. I am someone who has pretty much been to hell and back. To have survived the flames and heal from these wounds, I am a new me. Some of these wounds won't heal, but I know they can be treated.
I have been fighting these demons for many years, but I retaliated and kicked their ass! If it wasn't for this program that I wasn't even interested in participating in, I WOULD still be in that old state of mind.
I rose my hand, eager to speak my mind.
“Yes, Kyle. You may speak if you would like. It's actually quite amusing to see that you are the first to raise your hand asking to speak. I remember just about a year ago, I had to beg and plead for you to give us your name”, Joe spoke, he nodded and a smile grew on his cheeky as he began to write in his notebook. Joe always kept that notebook to take notes about actions and things his patients said.
“Well, as you all know, I didn't want to be here at first. To be quite frank, I don't think any of us did. I'm going to be the first to say that I'm glad I went through with this program. If it wasn't for this program, who knows where I might be. I have been way better when it comes to coping with my anger. I have been much better when it comes to accepting what happened to my mother. It wasn't my fault. I was smoking and drinking recklessly. I can say that I have stopped drinking alcohol and don't smoke nearly as much as I used to.”, I began, doing different motions with my hands as I was explaining my progress.
I looked at the blue walls that were once yellow and now a sky blue that reminded me of my mother. It was her favorite color.
“The past is the past and you have to accept it for what it is. That is what has happened in the course of my life and because I have accepted it, I am able to stand here a changed young man”, I continued, glancing at everyone around the circle as they all gave me their full-attention. Joe continued to note some of the words that I was speaking. I was occasionally looking over to my right, squinting my eyes, to see exactly what he was writing. If I wore my glasses like I'm suppose to, I would have no problem seeing the notes.
These people care about me. They really do. I never thought they would, but they do. I can't even begin to think of a way to repay them.
“I have recently, with the help of my ever-so-loving father, found a wrestling school that I enrolled in. I remember telling you all that I have found a way to cope with my aggression and now I can finally do just that by doing the thing I love most, wrestling”, I told the gang as a smile began to grow upon my pale face.
“I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you all for giving me the chance to express my feelings and help you while you helped me at the same time. I will forever be grateful for you all and this program. That is all, Joe. Thank you for once again letting me speak my mind”, I spoke, looking at Joe as he changed his focus away from the notebook.
Anna rose from her chair. She walked up to me, leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
I don't mind kisses, but did she really have to plant that sucker on me while wearing a ton of red lipstick? C'mon man.
“What was that for?” I questioned, my cheeks turning a rosy color and rubbing my hand across the part of my face where she kissed me.
I don't blame them for looking confused. To be honest, I'm just as confused as they are.
“For being brave. You speaking your mind fueled me to speak mine. I've been much more vocal in school and now, I have Sarah and Charlotte. They are the best friends that someone could ever have. I have you to thank for that..all of you as well for helping me along the way”, Anna explained, looking around at all of the puzzled faces around her, scratching at the part of her leg that her purple skirt wasn't covering as she continued,
“I consider you all a family and love you all”, she told us.
“Love” is a strong word. I don't even know what love feels like. I doubt I will ever love anyone. My father told me that nothing lasts forever, so I find it rather pointless to try to get emotionally involved with just individual on that kind of level.
~ 45 MINUTES LATER ~
“So, Kyle. I hope that you find it in interest to sign-up for the outpatient portion of this helpful service. Our conversations will be much more about what's been going on outside of here in between our appointments. What do you say? Are you for it?”, Joe asked me, smiling as we walked toward the exit of the building.
It's been helpful this far hasn't it? I don't see why not.
“Of course, Joe. On one condition: We schedule appointments around my training. Sound like a plan?”, I asked.
“Consider it a done deal. Just be sure to go to Karen at the front desk to sign-up and request me as your counselor”, Joe told me, shaking my hand and patting my shoulder.
“Will do”, I replied.
“Until next time, buddy”, Joe said.
That's his trademark. It's how he always ends our conversations before leaving and going back to that office of his.
......................... July 8th, 2010 .........................
It's my first time seeing Joe since my last day at the Face-to-Face program. My emotions are running rampant to be honest. In just a short amount of time, a lot has happened. Hopefully Joe can give me his thoughts and encouragement.
“Welcome back, Kyle. I see you let your hair grow out a bit”, Joe said, rubbing his bald head, taking a seat in his chair, and opening up his laptop as he continued,
“Please make yourself feel at home while I get this thing running. This thing runs slower than a damn turtle!”, Joe joked.
“I'm thrilled to see you, Joe. My laptop is pretty slow too, so I know how you feel as far as that goes”, I replied, scratching my hair as I adjusted my body on the brown leather sofa.
Two things that suck about long hair: It sucks during the Summer because it's hot as crap! Another thing is that I don't have the healthiest scalp out there, so it always itches.
“Alright, I have your profile opened up here. I'm going to ask a few mandatory questions that I will ask in the beginning of all of our sessions. First one, are you still taking Celexa? The one the doctor prescribed back in April of 2009 to deal with your depression?”, Joe asked as he gleamed over at me.
One of the two medications that I take. I hate taking them, but without them I wouldn't be this happy camper that I am currently.
“Yes sir. Every morning. Just to be sure, that’s the big pinkish-red one correct?”, I asked.
“That is correct. What about the Wellbutrin that was prescribed the same month? Still taking that?”, Joe asked as he began typing on the laptop.
“Uh, yes. I think I'm actually running low on that one!”, I told him as I looked across the room at the Michigan Wolverine's poster hanging on the light brown wall.
Not like I really want to take it anyway, but still.
“Well, be sure to call the doctor about that. Alright, now that that is done we can move on to the next question”, Joe spoke as he continued to look at his computer.
What is this? A
ing interview? “Have you had any thoughts of suicide?”, Joe asked as he looked over at me.
Suicide? This guy should know I'm not that same person anymore.
“C'mon really, Joe? You know I'm not like that anymore!” I said scratching my head.
“I'll take that as a no. Sorry, Kyle. Like I said earlier, these are all mandatory questions. How is your sleeping?”, Joe asked.
“Great and once the Summer begins, my sleeping will be even better!”, I explained. Joe chuckled a bit as did I.
I hate to lie, but if I didn't it would have sparked up another long and boring conversation.
“I feel you on that one! Alright, now that we have those questions out of the way we can bring up what's been going on since your last visit. You may begin wherever you choose”, Joe told me, closing his laptop and turning his chair so that he could look directly at me.
I really hate when people stare at me. It makes me feel like a spider is crawling up my back.
“Well, I have actually some interesting news. You remember, Anna right? Well, she actually is going on a date with me to the movies this Saturday with my friend and his girlfriend”, I started as I repositioned myself on the sofa.
“Wow! That's great news. It seems like you two really hit it off then, huh? I'm happy for you two!”, Joe smiled.
Little does he know, I'm nervous as
. I have never been on a date before. I don't want to embarrass myself. Even speaking about girls in general makes my legs shake.“Thanks. The more important thing to me is that in two weeks time, I have my first wrestling match. Just thinking about it makes excited and nervous at the same time!”, I said, placing arms on legs, locking my hands together as I continued,
“I think a few scouts are going to be there and it could be the start of something big. This is what I've sweat and put myself through hell for. This is going to be the most important moment of my life!”, I worried.
I'm more nervous than I am scared. If this doesn't go over well, not only will I possibly miss an opportunity to impress scouts that represent some of the biggest wrestling companies around, but I might be missing out on some future bookings.
“Try not to worry yourself too much. Just take it day by day, focus, and prepare yourself. I can't give you too many tips on what you can do because I haven't wrestled before nor am I a really a big fan of it. My son, Joey is though”, Joe responded as he nodded his head.
Who am I to think a damn counselor would know a thing about wrestling?
“Thanks. You should bring your son out to see the show. It's at the Imperial House on 15 & Groesbeck. The show begins at 7:30pm!”, I told Joe.
I need some support since my dad can't make it.
“I'll see what we have going on that day. I think we should be free that day though”, Joe replied as he went to grab his bottle of water.
~ 20 MINUTES LATER ~
“Alright, let's see when we can schedule you for another appointment. How about on Thursday two weeks from now at 3:45pm?”, Joe asked as he looked at his laptop.
I'd rather have these in the morning to get these out of the way so I can enjoy the rest of my day, but I guess that will work.
“Yeah, sure. I suppose we can do that. I just have to make sure I have nothing going on that day”, I answered.
Joe typed in the appointment. He closed his laptop, handed me a card that had my next appointment on it, and led me to the lobby.
Knowing how unorganized I am, I'll be playing 'Where's Waldo' with it soon. That was my biggest downfall in school. I can't even count on my fingers how many times I would turn in my assignments in late to my teachers.
“That appointment went fairly well. I am glad to know that you are doing well. Be sure to tell your father that I said hello!”, Joe demanded as he looked around at the lobby filled with patients.
“Will do! He's been so busy with work, I barely even get to say hello to him! I guess I will see you at the show?”, I asked.
I highly doubt he will be at the show. Why I even asked for him and his son to go is beyond me.
“I'll try my best, Kyle. I really will. Matter of fact, we will be there!”, Joe assured me.
“Alright, Joe. I'll hold you against it if you don't show!” I joked.
Joe gave me a firm handshake.
“That's fine with me. You will eat your words though when you see us in the crowd. Until next time..”, Joe spoke.
....................... August 22nd, 2014 .........................
“Howdy--”
“You are lucky I could fit you in to my schedule! It's been a while since we have last spoke. If my memory serves me correct, we haven't spoken to each other in almost 5 months. I thought you might have gotten back into some trouble!”, Joe interrupted, tightening up his cheeks as he began to turn on his laptop.
Okay, I can't say I didn't see that coming. If I've learned anything from talking with Joe all these years, it's that he doesn't like to be left out of the loop of things. I haven't sent even one text to let him know how I was doing. Now that I think about it, I feel like an bunghole.
“I'm sorry, Joe! I really am! I can explain. I--”, I once again found Joe quickly interrupting me.
“Still taking your medication?”, Joe asked looking at me with a straight face.
“Of course! I actually don't even mind taking them anymore really”, I answered, scratching my hairy arm as I continued,
“I know your next question and the answer is no, I haven't had thoughts of suicide”, I told him.
Suicide is a subject that used to make me feel uneasy when brought up by someone. I honestly cant even remember the last time I had thoughts like that.
“That actually wasn't going to be my next question, but I will take note of that. My next question was how have you been sleeping?”, Joe asked in a much better tone than before.
Damn, I feel like a dumb ass. I need to stop making assumptions, man.
“I apologize for acting like a know-it-all. I have been actually lacking a bit of sleep”, I responded as I adjusted myself on the sofa.
“Why is that?”, Joe asked as his eyebrows rose because of his curiosity.
I should have just said I was sleeping fine. Dammit, I forgot he likes to start huge discussions on things that I find irrelevant.
“Well, It's actually the same reason I haven't been here. I was signed by WFWF! You remember that wrestling company that I kept talking about?”, I asked.
“That is excellent news! I am very proud of you, Kyle. You have come such a long way. I do indeed remember you telling me about that company. You said it was your dream to one day wrestle for them and become the WFWF World Heavyweight Champion!”, Joe spoke, a smile was growing upon his face as he continued,
“The only thing I am confused about is why you couldn't have gotten in contact with me?”, Joe said.
“Well, my phone broke. I had no way to get in contact with you otherwise I would have. You are not only a counselor, but like a best friend to me”, I answered.
Stupid iPhones. They break too easily for being so damn expensive. With all the technology out, you think they would be able to make a real durable phone.
“That makes sense. I apologize for coming off a little strong, Kyle. You know how I get”, Joe replied.
“Apology accepted, Joe. I would have acted the same way if I was you”, I told him.
“Well, what's been going on? Anything new?”, Joe asked as he took his notebook out.
“Yes. I actually got to participate in the biggest WFWF pay-per-view of the year. The fans were chanting and everything for me. It was surreal to be surrounded by so many screaming fans. I ended up not winning the match, but that's okay. It has helped me become an even better wrestler”, I responded as I looked over at the empty, marked-up white wall.
“That's great! Good things happen to good people you know”, Joe told me as he took a note in his notebook.
I've heard that cheesy saying before. If that were true, I would be the WFWF World Heavyweight Champion right now.
“Yeah. Now I have to deal with some midget named DMK and this huge man named Tugarin Zmey”, I told Joe, I started to sit up on the sofa as I continued,
“Apparently, these two guys think they can just walk over anyone they choose. I beg to differ on that one. I have been busting my ass since I broke into the business and they walk in like they own the
ing place? No, I'm not having it. Just because a midget has a giant on his side, doesn't mean that giant cant be slayed”, I nagged. Joe doesn't even understand how much I want to just beat the absolute dust off that little gremlin and that super-sized piece of garbage, Tugarin Zmey.
“Well, it seems that your hatred for these men runs deep. I would be quite angry if someone just came into this room and tried to take my job. I can definitely understand where you are coming from”, Joe assured me as he took another note.
“We have been at each other's throats for weeks now and come this Sunday, I get to finally show those two that they picked the wrong person to pick a fight with. I know I can win this match too. I have the fans by my side and with them cheering me on, there is no way I can be stopped”, I explained in anger.
“I'm glad you have that positive mindset, Kyle. Confidence is what one must need in order to succeed. You can do it as long as you believe you can. Give that Tugarin fellow everything you have!”, Joe told me.
That's the thing I like about Joe. He is always giving me that encouragement that I need. He has never ended an appointment without making me feel confident about myself. It makes me wish I could have made this visit much earlier than I did. I might just be a tag team champion right now if I did.
“Win or lose, I'm giving that giant everything I have. Hopefully I shut that midget up too, because I'm sick and tired of hearing him speak”, I said as I calmed down a bit and continued,
“Four years ago, I tried taking my own life. I was saved by my father. I don't try taking my life anymore. I have stopped myself from attempting to take my life away and now it's time that I stop Tugarin from possibly taking my career away! It's time that I prove to the world and to myself that I am not just another name in this business, but a future Hall of Famer!”, I explained.
~ 10 MINUTES LATER ~
“Be sure to keep in touch with me, Kyle. I don't want to be worried sick about you again!”, Joe demanded as we walked out to the lobby.
“I promise, I will. The next time you hear from me, it will be after I defeat Tugarin Zmey! I will try to visit when I can, but I can't promise I will be back anytime soon”, I replied.
With this schedule that they have me on, I'll be surprised if I get to comeback here in the next two months.
Joe gave me one of his firm handshakes.
“Take care, pal. I wish you the best of luck with Tugarin and that midget, DMK. Until next time...”
I dont know good luck 
