Johnny Mason
Superstar
The Vanguard Champion
Joined on: Jan 11, 2016 14:36:45 GMT -5
Posts: 644
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Post by Johnny Mason on Sept 3, 2022 16:46:14 GMT -5
I never would of guessed that the VOID segments were coming from Mesh, but after finding out, it makes perfect sense.
I really enjoyed reading this RP and the direction you’re going in. Everything you did here has meaning, and just like all of your work, i’m left wanting more after reading it because of how invested I am in the character.
I think we’ll give the judges a hard time in deciding the winner, and if you come out on top it’s totally deserved.
Mesh vs Mason 2 is going to be one for the ages.
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Deleted
Joined on: Oct 18, 2024 0:51:04 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2022 20:56:05 GMT -5
I never would of guessed that the VOID segments were coming from Mesh, but after finding out, it makes perfect sense. Uhh.....what do you mean? I didn't reference VOID at all in my RP.......
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Johnny Mason
Superstar
The Vanguard Champion
Joined on: Jan 11, 2016 14:36:45 GMT -5
Posts: 644
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Post by Johnny Mason on Sept 3, 2022 22:49:05 GMT -5
I never would of guessed that the VOID segments were coming from Mesh, but after finding out, it makes perfect sense. Uhh.....what do you mean? I didn't reference VOID at all in my RP....... Hmmm….
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Post by Swarm on Sept 4, 2022 6:12:09 GMT -5
This RP was an interesting mixed bag of a thing. I think Mesh's monologue/dialogue was some of the better stuff you've written in her voice. This felt a lot more natural, like something someone would actually be saying. Unfortunately, I think this RPs adherence to this setting-less monologue style leaves her words resting in kind of empty space. This wouldn't really be so glaring of a shortcoming if we weren't watching a person kind of implode right in front of us in what is intended to be a very clear and visual way. I think this would have felt so much more immersive with description of her setting and of her body language. She indicates later she's being followed, are her curtains drawn? Is it dark in the room as a result? Does that cause the glow of her computer screen to be illuminating her face in blue light? Are her eyes looking around the room unsteadily or is she fixed on the red light? All of this stuff would give us such a clearer, more immersive sense of what you were specifically going for.
Further, I think a lot of the concepts/ideas presented here are interesting. The complete fracture of her relationship with her mother, her rekindling her relationship, her apparently being followed by... something. We've personally talked about a lot of this stuff and from what you've told me, these are all leading to interesting places. But unfortunately this RP basically took the form of telling us about interesting things happening off-screen as opposed to showing us those interesting things. I'm not saying there's never room for that but I think, in this particular instance, since it was the primary subject of what is going on in her life, this RP would have been substantially improved by showing us those things.
So altogether I liked a lot of the ideas here and I do think there's some real improvement in regard to her dialogue but I think it was diminished by the lack of placing her conversation in a physical space and the reliance on exposition to tell her story.
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Post by sonstuds on Sept 4, 2022 15:09:12 GMT -5
I do have to agree with Alex in terms of completely omitting any description for pretty much the same reasons. Changing the text's appearance conveys the contrast in personality and voice (ala say, The Exorcist) so in that space it may not be needed, but seeing as how you established it being a vlog actually physically depicting the meltdown would be just as visceral and jarring as the words that are being said.
Apart from that, it was strong stuff and an entertaining and well done monologue. While I can understand the push for actually showing the fight with her mother and how it could be more interesting than just hearing about it, and admittedly I don't know where you're going or what your plans and intentions are, I certainly left this piece skeptical that any of the things Mesh said happened actually happened, even down to whether she's actually living with Brian or not. Regardless, it makes for a very interesting character arc with several places to go and themes/ideas to explore, which for someone with your creativity and writing level bodes very well for the future. I'm also curious to see if Mesh fully embraces the dark side. Our top faces are potentially dropping like flies up in here lol
Also I saw the VOID thing before you edited out. I won't let you gaslight Mason like that.
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Johnny Mason
Superstar
The Vanguard Champion
Joined on: Jan 11, 2016 14:36:45 GMT -5
Posts: 644
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Post by Johnny Mason on Sept 4, 2022 15:52:19 GMT -5
I do have to agree with Alex in terms of completely omitting any description for pretty much the same reasons. Changing the text's appearance conveys the contrast in personality and voice (ala say, The Exorcist) so in that space it may not be needed, but seeing as how you established it being a vlog actually physically depicting the meltdown would be just as visceral and jarring as the words that are being said. Apart from that, it was strong stuff and an entertaining and well done monologue. While I can understand the push for actually showing the fight with her mother and how it could be more interesting than just hearing about it, and admittedly I don't know where you're going or what your plans and intentions are, I certainly left this piece skeptical that any of the things Mesh said happened actually happened, even down to whether she's actually living with Brian or not. Regardless, it makes for a very interesting character arc with several places to go and themes/ideas to explore, which for someone with your creativity and writing level bodes very well for the future. I'm also curious to see if Mesh fully embraces the dark side. Our top faces are potentially dropping like flies up in here lol Also I saw the VOID thing before you edited out. I won't let you gaslight Mason like that. Between this and you sticking up for me when Josh Dean hit Mason in the mouth with a microphone from 2020! It’s nice seeing someone on Johnny’s side. Especially against evil Mesh!
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Deleted
Joined on: Oct 18, 2024 0:51:04 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2022 17:35:48 GMT -5
Also I saw the VOID thing before you edited out. I won't let you gaslight Mason like that. I seriously have no idea what you two are talking about.....
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Post by Drakz on Sept 10, 2022 7:26:57 GMT -5
I'm in the same boat as Al and E in that I would have liked some description to go along with the monologue. I like the setting of the vlog, as it fits so well with what we know about Mesh, and where she comes from before wrestling, so I know the description would be limited to her sat in a room, but that said I'd like to know more about her body language, her surroundings etc.
Whilst "show don't tell" is generally the way to go with writing, I do like that with everything happening away from the RP it gives a sense of ambiguity. Like E said, I don't know how much of what Mesh is telling us is real, and I dig that.
She's torn, and she's suffering. That can make for a great heel or a great face, so which ever way you go from here will be very interesting indeed.
I said this on Mason's RP as well, but I'd like to repeat it here: it's been a real pleasure seeing you and Mason feud and build a story yourselves. It's been exciting "on screen" and has helped the pair of you as writers as well, which is just great to see.
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Post by Drakz on Sept 10, 2022 7:27:35 GMT -5
Also adding then removing something from an RP for mystery's sake (if that's what's happened) is meta and cool as f*ck
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