Post by Markw on Sept 3, 2018 12:46:03 GMT -5
WFWF El Grito de Dolores – Soap Invaders
Well f*** me.
Yous werenae expecting that were you?
I know I talked masel up an’ all, but I gotta come clean (see whit I did there?), neither was I.
‘course you know, I went into it knowin’ I’d give it all I got, that I’d give Sean Casey more of a challenge than he were expecting, but when I said I’d beat him, it wasnae me heed talking, it was me heart.
To actually step into that ring, in the Dome, where he’s made his name, and pull off that victory, I mean, f***in’ hell, that’s really somethin’ ain’t it?
I’d be lyin’ if I was to tell you that it ain’t changed a thing. Tha’ my expectations ain’t raised just a wee bit.
To go in there, an’ beat a guy I do honestly respect, a guy I rate f***in’ highly as a wrestler – even if I dinnae think he’s the finest person in the word. How could tha’ not be a f***in’ massive confidence boost.
I gotta admit, the first hour or two it were a real ‘strap a rocket to my ego, I’m goin’ ta the moon’ kinda thing but I have calmed down a wee bit since.
Now I’m only like, 80-85% sure I’m winnin’ this tourney.
The Tartan Army are planning a big ol’ trip doon sooth in a month or so, just got one or two bits an’ pieces ta mop up (see whit I did there?) first.
---
Well, shows what I know.
What is it with these little upstarts and WFWF tournaments? They just won’t let me be right will they?
It’s all part of the plan, honestly, doubt them and it spurs them on to win…
Anyone buying that?
Oh well.
Barely had the match finish, Under The Dome hadn’t even finished in fact, and look whose name was flashing up on my screen.
Shuggy: Wooooooooooo! Yous was right boss, I f***in’ did it.
Andy: Well done.
Shuggy: Stock the fridge up with IrnBru boss, couple a months from now I’m comin’ home with tha’ Intergalactic strap roon my waste and we’s gonna have the piss up of all piss ups.
There’s nothing like a single victory, coupled with – I assume – more than a few alcoholic beverages, to make you think you’re all the best elements of Drakz, Kyzer, Wayne McGurk, Shawn Malakai, Phillip Schneider & Reverend Shadow rolled up into one chirpy 5’7” ginger package is there?
Jesus Christ.
Andy: Yeah, maybe calm down a bit.
Shuggy: Nah man, did ye not see tha’, tha’s one a the f***in’ favourites down day one. Just gotta dispatch two o’ a janitor, a wee girl an’ a Mastercard advert an’ job’s a good ‘un.
Andy: That’s exactly the sort of attitude that’s going to have you on your back in Mexico.
Shuggy: Nah chance pal, imma f***in’ star.
Andy: You’re drunk.
Shuggy: Aye, have had a couple like, but I di’ just get off to a’ winning start, nothin’ wrong with knockin’ a couple back.
And he thinks he’s going to be a champion. Isn’t it cute?
Think I’d better hang this one up pronto, not sure I could get through much more without putting a bullet in my head.
---
God this feels weird like. Me, on a mini-bus fulla WFWF wrestlers heading for an autograph session where folk, in a country I couldnae have placed on a map two weeks ago (my geography teacher were dull as f***), are gonna pay a tenner a pop for autographed pictures of yours truly.
I amnae making it up, this is actually happenin’ like, just f***in’ amazin'.
Mesh: Look, she’s even dyed her hair blue, it’s soooooooooooo cute, don’t you think?
Were difficult not to have my attention drawn to the ridiculously excitable (seriously how do you hold an o that long) lass to my left.
What was quickly clear was that my Under The Dome opponent wasnae thrilled with the seatin’ arrangements, ‘cause he couldnae have been less interested in Mesh and her superfan.
Mesh: And look, here’s the selfie she took with me in Japan, pretty cool right?
Casey shot her a look of complete distain, reached into his pockets, and slowly brought out two earplugs shutting her out without hesitating for a moment about how rude it was. Got give him credit for bein’ so self-assured I s‘pose.
Shuggy: Dinae think he’s interested.
Mesh: Oh he is, it’s just this new album he really wanted to listen to.
Shuggy: Yeh, awright, let’s go with that.
She chuckled, thankfully, thought she really was oblivious for a second there.
Mesh: Congrats on your win by the way.
Shuggy: Aye, thanks, nice to get off to a good start.
The slight change in facial expression gave me reason to suspect tha’ The Violent Gentleman’s headphones were nae of the noise cancelling variety.
Shuggy: Congrats on yours too, becoming somethin’ of a habit ain’t it?
Mesh: Yeah, I guess so.
She almost seemed embarrassed, I guess jus’ wanin’ to stay humble. I think I’d be shoutin’ a run like this lass has been on from the rooftops. Heck, I’ve been pretty obnoxious about just the one win like.
Mesh: I think maybe it’s a case of people judging a book by its cover, you know? Thinking I’m just some little girl and then…
Shuggy: Nah, that’s bulls***.
Sorry, dinnae mean to be too blunt, but it is.
Shuggy: You arenae beatin’ ‘em ‘cause they underestimate you, you’re beatin’ ‘em ‘cause you’re better ‘an ‘em. That’s how wrestlin’ works.
Mesh: …I liked the bits of that I understood.
Shuggy: Aye, I get a lot of tha’.
Mesh: Hey check this out.
She turns ‘er laptop screen towards me. Just looks like some weird JapaChinese (I didnae mean to be offensive, I just cannae tell the difference) menu screen. Dinnae really get it like.
Shuggy: Wa’ is it?
She shoots me a look like I really am an extra-terrestrial.
Mesh: You’ve never player Fire-Pro?
Shuggy: Fire whut noo?
Mesh: It’s only the coolest wrestling game of all time. How have you never heard of it?
Shuggy: To be honest mate, once I discovered Space Invaders I didnae try any other games, nothin’ll ever top tha’.
Mesh: …are you joking?
Shuggy: Why woulda be jokin’?
Space Invaders is f***in’ boss.
Mesh: You’re weird.
Shuggy: Aye. We got a club?
Mesh: We really should have.
Both of ours attention turned ta the menu screen, Mesh is flickin’ through tha’ characters, quite a lotta whom seem to have nicknames based on various different fruits an’ berries. But I amnae here to judge.
‘Blueberry’ pops up real quick, takes a wee while longer to find what I assume is me, a wee little f***er called ‘Orange’, I am judgin’ a wee bit now.
Shuggy: Wos this aboot anyway?
I ask motioning to the screen.
Mesh: Oh yeah, so I’ve been simming the title tournament in Fire Pro.
Shuggy: Scoutin’ like?
Mesh: Sort of… but… well, no.
Shuggy: So wha’s the point?
Mesh: It’s fun.
Mesh presses a coupla buttons an’ gets us started.
Mesh: See. This is the final too so, titles on the line.
Shuggy: Doesnae really look like Wembley does it?
Mesh: Suspend your disbelief.
I have got a wee kid and I’m wrestlin’ in the WFWF, so tha’ shouldnae be too hard.
She isnae even controlling these wee sprite f***ers.
Shuggy: Are games jus’ like watchin’ poor definition TV now?
I dinnae really get the point, and wee Mesh is beatin’ the c*** outta me, so I amnae havin’ much fun.
She playfully pushes my arm from across the aisle, I dinnae think she realises I wasnae jokin’.
Shuggy: Is this weird shi’ the soundtrack? Does it go off?
Mesh: ‘This weird s***’ is Frankie Knuckles, and you’re dead to me.
Whoops.
Shuggy: Oh sorry, no’ my cuppa tea.
I dinnae know if I’m makin’ a friend here or an enemy like, she seems pretty cool though.
…and Raze… 630 Splash… her wee lass has wiped the floor with my sprite c***.
Match evaluation 53%, wha’ a classic.
Shuggy: Yous kicked my c*** in.
She shot me a look to remind me I was in the company of non-Glaswegians.
Shuggy: I mean, ya beat me like pretty easy.
Mesh: Yeah, well, I am awesome.
Shuggy: I’m good lass, but I dinnae think I can suspend my disbelief tha’ much.
Got the lass in hysterics like, I’m a charming wee f***er really aren I?
Mesh: Don’t worry, you get past Billy and you won’t have to, I’ll get it done even quicker than ‘lil’ Blueberry did.
Shuggy: Willyeaye?
She smiled a cheeky smile and nodded ‘er heed, I gotta admit, I like the quirky wee lass.
---
It’s difficult, you know, to be aroun’ Joe Bishop for as long as I were, to be around Andy, an’ not to formulate an opinion ‘bout professional wrestling. ‘bout the state it’s in now, how it should be, what makes it great.
I say difficult, I think in reality it prolly isnae possible.
Me?
I gotta be honest, much as I respect the twos o’ them, I amnae on board with the whole ‘athletes no’ superstars’ s***e.
My introduction to wrestling was my grandad takin’ me through all his old favourites. These cheesy 80s muscle freaks who didnae look like real human bein’s. An’ you know what? I f***in’ loved it. I loved these larger than life characters. I loved the good guy finally takin’ the bad guy down. I loved the passion that flowed out o’ those guys when they got in front o’ a camera.
O’ course, they all turned out to be on roids, an’ half o’ them along with yer favourite 70s and 80s entertainers are paedos, so I’m no’ like harkening back to those days. Vast majority of the w***kers my Grandad loved belong in an eight-by-ten foot cell.
Bu’ the idea of good vs. bad. Huge characters. People that give yous a reason to care about pro-wrestling, not just athletes, drones, there ta be the best but without any real personality or heart. I amnae sayin’ tha’s Joe or Andy, but it’s how they idealise pro-wrestling. Me? I love some a’ the approach of tha’ stuff.
I think it’s changed this sport for the better.
An’ you know wha? I amnae gonna stand here and criticise legends like Drakz or Kyzer or Trace, ‘cause their violent. ‘cause those c***s gave me some of the coolest moments a my childhood (and the coolest belt in the history o’ wrestling too I might add). I’m also no’ gonna criticise the other group Joe Bishop and Andy Yates’d take a pop out, the ‘clowns’, the quirky wrestlers, the likes o’ Yukio, Mesh, Billy Broom, Austin Hayes, dare I say it, the likes a Shuggy.
I’m prouda consider myself a part o’ that group, ‘cause we make people care.
An’ I am nae just saying that. I’ve seen as many Mesh and Billy Broom fans out ‘ere as I have Brennan’s and Kyzer’s, ‘cause you know what, people who go outta their way to interact with the fans. Post about ‘em on social media. Show ‘em they love ‘em by going that extra step in the ring night after night, puttin’ it all on the line, those wrestlers are f***in’ awesome.
I wanna be one o’ those wrestlers.
You ask me?
There’s a place for everything.
Doesnae take a genius to work out tha’ I look up to Joe Bishop in tha’ ring.
An’ I know, I know, I prolly oughta look up to him a bit more outta it if I wanna really make something o’ myself in this company. Lay off the booze till the whole job’s done like, wha’ can I say, I was excited. I amnae worried aboot looking a bit daft every once in a while.
I am nae like him though, tha’s the thing.
I lookupa Mesh, to Billy, to Drakz, to Brennan, to Kyzer, I lookupa everyone here to be honest with you.
I’m as much a fan as anyone, I can barely walk through that locker room without marking oot.
But see, I’m one a ‘em now.
I certainly amnae gonna stand here and go ‘yous too violent’, ‘yoos not serious enough’, ‘yoos were scrubbin’ the toilets five minutes ago’, even if tha’s wha’ Daddy Andy and Uncle Joe wan’.
I keep herein’ tha’ Shuggy is a pal a’ Joe Bishop’s, prolly sticks his nose up a’ the lot o’ us too.
Well I donnae, I f***in’ love bein’ here, and honestly, I wouldnae change a thing about it.
Just the name o’ the title imma walk outta this tournament with if tha’s doable?
Anyone got Lila’s number?
Joe’s gonna f***in’ hate this.
---
I f***in’ love Derby Day.
At least I have ever since Rangers died and Sevco decided they wann’ed to come up and get thrashed four times a year.
It’s been great since then like.
I know we’ve won the war an’ all and I shouldnae mock ‘em any more, I get tha’ it’s like kickin’ a dog six years after the wee f***er’s been put down, but it’s still kinda fun like.
Wha? I’m a terrible human bein’.
Derby Day does it to all o’ us.
Now, I amnae one for conspiracy theories (‘part from Roswell, an’ Area 51, an’ the Aurora Aliens, an’ the Majestic 12, an’ the jury’s still out on 9/11. (tha’ last one was just for comic effect, I amnae one of those knobs)), but it seems like a pretty big coincidence tha’ Poppy an’ Ellie can only Skype me while the game’s on.
Poppy Yates knows I’m a f***in’ dedicated Bhoy, tha’ I really dinnae wanna miss the derby, but it just so happens tha’ she’s busy literally every other day o’ the tour day and night. I amnae buyin’ tha’ for a second.
Still, I havenae go’ much of a choice to be perfectly honest. She can f*** me all she likes an’ I gotta take it ‘cause it’s no coincidence tha’ there isnae a ‘Mothers for Justice’.
So I’ve invested ma first WFWF pay cheque (and the huge dividend that I assume is headed for me bank from tha’ money we’re savin’ on KC Jones right?). I’ve bought mysel’ a second laptop, one side Celtic spanking Rangers, the other my beautiful lil’ lass an’ her passive aggressive mother whose tryin’ a make me choose.
Stunnin’.
Comin’ up for an hour an’ I gotta admit, I’m getting a bit twitchy like. Just aboot to Skype the lil’ one an’ I was kinda expectin’ we’d have four or five by now an’ I could relax a lil’.
Only got like half an hour left to toy with these f***ers before we kill ‘em off.
Poppy: Hi Daddy.
Ma wee lil girl sittin’ on her lap, lookin’ cute as f*** as per.
Poppy shakes her poor wee arm, she’s no’ a clue why.
Poppy: Hello Daddy.
Her squeaky baby voice isnae far off her real voice, but imma gonna be last in line to tell her.
Shuggy: Hey Pops, hey Ellie, how’s my little one.
Poppy: She’s good, she enjoyed watching Daddy get off to a winning start.
Hun corner. For f*** sake defend this lads… oh right Poppy…
Shuggy: Aww, awesome, she been behaving hersel’?
Counter, Rogic going through, go on, go on…
Poppy: She sure has, Mummy took her into town today, showed her round the…
Shuggy: YES! Get in ya wee c***!… ah… oh.. uh…
Oh s***.
Poppy: Something more important than your little girl?
Damage limitation now Shugs, damage limitation.
Shuggy: Nae, nae, course no’ just a, just happy to hear she’s been… doin’… what was it you said?
Stop smilin’, you’ve been caught out you daftie, there’ll be time to mock the huns after Poppy makes you feel bad aboot bein’ a s***e Dad, ‘kay?.
Deal.
Poppy: You’re unbelievable.
Shuggy: I’m sorry, honestly, just got a wee bit carried away with the footie ya know, how is she?
Poppy: She’s just heard her Dad call a footballer a c*** as a term of endearment, I imagine she’s scarred for life.
Shuggy: She doesnae understand.
Poppy: No.
There we go.
Poppy: Nor do I to be honest.
Shuggy: Sorry.
Poppy: When you get back from this tour, let’s try and talk to her without mentioning any genitals shall we?
Shuggy: Yes mam.
You’re such a fanny Shuggy.
Poppy: See you in England. I’ll leave you with the football.
Shuggy: Bye. See you little one, love you, I’ll be bringing you a title back.
Poppy: Bye.
Shuggy: Sorry Daddy’s a knobheed.
Olivier Ntcham you f***in’ beauty.
---
Billy Broom, honestly man, I’m stoked to be in tha’ ring with you.
I couldnae be more excited for it honestly.
An’ you nae wha? I like a think you’ll be excited to be in there with me, ‘cause you know yous been worryin’ aboot people not takin’ you seriously?
Well guess wha’ pal, I amnae good enough not to take every f***er I step in there with seriously.
Was kinda nice I done bumped into Mesh though ya know. No’ just ‘cause she seems pretty cool, but it was a nice timely reminder.
See I mean what I say.
With her it’s no’ that she wins ‘cause people underestimate her. Tha’s just how insecure lil’ men rationalise havin’ their arse kicked by a wee lass with blue hair.
She wins ‘cause she’s better ‘an ‘em.
It’d be easy to fall in’a the same trap with yous Billy. Assume yous just some cleaner who keeps getting’ lucky ‘cause folk assume it’s gonna be a walkover.
But me? I couldnae, in good consciounce, put your hot streak down’a that.
You throw a 90 year old lady inna tha’ ring with KC ‘take me ball an’ run home’ Jones, an’ you arenae gonna be havin’ a celebration in the old folks home when she’s underestimated, yous gonna be havin’ a funeral.
You’re winnin’, quite simple like, ‘cause you’re f***in’ good.
Only takes an honest pair o’ eyes, tha’ havenae prejudged you ‘cause you’re the janitor, to see that yous can go. Prolly a lot better ‘an I can.
So I amnae preparing for this match by goin’ ‘He’s good, imma take him seriously an’ then I’ll win like’.
I know it donnae work like that. I know you’re f***in’ good an’ taking you seriously is step one of about 300-odd things I gotta do right to end up pinnin’ you an’ walking out of Mexico with my place in a match for the Intergalactic Spaceman Championship booked.
I know you’re capable o’ winnin’ this and makin’ me look silly in the process.
If it does end up you beating me, perhaps taking that belt back to Jenny, then I wouldnae begrudge you that.
You keep doin’ wa you’ve been doing, put me doon for the coont? I wouldnae complain.
But see, it isnae gonna be about one a us underestimating the other, an’ it isnae gonna be personal, an’ it isnae gonna be two wrestlers who’ve got any sorta dislike for one another. Least I hope it’s not gonna be tha’ on your part, it certainly isnae on mine.
It’s gonna be a battle of two wrestlers who wanna entertain people, and two Dads who wanna bring a belt back to their daughter a’ the end of this wee tour.
For this place? Tha’s bloody refreshing if you ask me.
And, as I say, I wouldnae begrudge you tha’ win.
How could I? You wanna do this for your daughter, I wanna do it for mine. It’s s***e we can’t both do it, but you beat me in this ring an I’ll be pullin’ for you in that final, ‘cause how couldn’t I?
But, I’m afraid, it isnae gonna happen for you. No’ if I get my way.
‘cause I’m takin’ that belt back to Ellie when all is said and done.
I’ll feel bad about denyin’ Jenny that experience, ‘course I will.
But I figure I’ve done her more than enough favours already ta be honest. She’s prolly gonna have a Mesh piñata at her next birthday party ‘cause a me (I was gonna go with a Billy Broom piñata, but we’d both be kiddin’ ourselves if we pretended you’re her favourite).
And hey, I’ll happily pose for a selfie with ‘er an’ my title.
Tell ‘er to bring ‘er camera phone to Wembley.
Well, shows what I know.
What is it with these little upstarts and WFWF tournaments? They just won’t let me be right will they?
It’s all part of the plan, honestly, doubt them and it spurs them on to win…
Anyone buying that?
Oh well.
Barely had the match finish, Under The Dome hadn’t even finished in fact, and look whose name was flashing up on my screen.
Shuggy: Wooooooooooo! Yous was right boss, I f***in’ did it.
Andy: Well done.
Shuggy: Stock the fridge up with IrnBru boss, couple a months from now I’m comin’ home with tha’ Intergalactic strap roon my waste and we’s gonna have the piss up of all piss ups.
There’s nothing like a single victory, coupled with – I assume – more than a few alcoholic beverages, to make you think you’re all the best elements of Drakz, Kyzer, Wayne McGurk, Shawn Malakai, Phillip Schneider & Reverend Shadow rolled up into one chirpy 5’7” ginger package is there?
Jesus Christ.
Andy: Yeah, maybe calm down a bit.
Shuggy: Nah man, did ye not see tha’, tha’s one a the f***in’ favourites down day one. Just gotta dispatch two o’ a janitor, a wee girl an’ a Mastercard advert an’ job’s a good ‘un.
Andy: That’s exactly the sort of attitude that’s going to have you on your back in Mexico.
Shuggy: Nah chance pal, imma f***in’ star.
Andy: You’re drunk.
Shuggy: Aye, have had a couple like, but I di’ just get off to a’ winning start, nothin’ wrong with knockin’ a couple back.
And he thinks he’s going to be a champion. Isn’t it cute?
Think I’d better hang this one up pronto, not sure I could get through much more without putting a bullet in my head.
---
God this feels weird like. Me, on a mini-bus fulla WFWF wrestlers heading for an autograph session where folk, in a country I couldnae have placed on a map two weeks ago (my geography teacher were dull as f***), are gonna pay a tenner a pop for autographed pictures of yours truly.
I amnae making it up, this is actually happenin’ like, just f***in’ amazin'.
Mesh: Look, she’s even dyed her hair blue, it’s soooooooooooo cute, don’t you think?
Were difficult not to have my attention drawn to the ridiculously excitable (seriously how do you hold an o that long) lass to my left.
What was quickly clear was that my Under The Dome opponent wasnae thrilled with the seatin’ arrangements, ‘cause he couldnae have been less interested in Mesh and her superfan.
Mesh: And look, here’s the selfie she took with me in Japan, pretty cool right?
Casey shot her a look of complete distain, reached into his pockets, and slowly brought out two earplugs shutting her out without hesitating for a moment about how rude it was. Got give him credit for bein’ so self-assured I s‘pose.
Shuggy: Dinae think he’s interested.
Mesh: Oh he is, it’s just this new album he really wanted to listen to.
Shuggy: Yeh, awright, let’s go with that.
She chuckled, thankfully, thought she really was oblivious for a second there.
Mesh: Congrats on your win by the way.
Shuggy: Aye, thanks, nice to get off to a good start.
The slight change in facial expression gave me reason to suspect tha’ The Violent Gentleman’s headphones were nae of the noise cancelling variety.
Shuggy: Congrats on yours too, becoming somethin’ of a habit ain’t it?
Mesh: Yeah, I guess so.
She almost seemed embarrassed, I guess jus’ wanin’ to stay humble. I think I’d be shoutin’ a run like this lass has been on from the rooftops. Heck, I’ve been pretty obnoxious about just the one win like.
Mesh: I think maybe it’s a case of people judging a book by its cover, you know? Thinking I’m just some little girl and then…
Shuggy: Nah, that’s bulls***.
Sorry, dinnae mean to be too blunt, but it is.
Shuggy: You arenae beatin’ ‘em ‘cause they underestimate you, you’re beatin’ ‘em ‘cause you’re better ‘an ‘em. That’s how wrestlin’ works.
Mesh: …I liked the bits of that I understood.
Shuggy: Aye, I get a lot of tha’.
Mesh: Hey check this out.
She turns ‘er laptop screen towards me. Just looks like some weird JapaChinese (I didnae mean to be offensive, I just cannae tell the difference) menu screen. Dinnae really get it like.
Shuggy: Wa’ is it?
She shoots me a look like I really am an extra-terrestrial.
Mesh: You’ve never player Fire-Pro?
Shuggy: Fire whut noo?
Mesh: It’s only the coolest wrestling game of all time. How have you never heard of it?
Shuggy: To be honest mate, once I discovered Space Invaders I didnae try any other games, nothin’ll ever top tha’.
Mesh: …are you joking?
Shuggy: Why woulda be jokin’?
Space Invaders is f***in’ boss.
Mesh: You’re weird.
Shuggy: Aye. We got a club?
Mesh: We really should have.
Both of ours attention turned ta the menu screen, Mesh is flickin’ through tha’ characters, quite a lotta whom seem to have nicknames based on various different fruits an’ berries. But I amnae here to judge.
‘Blueberry’ pops up real quick, takes a wee while longer to find what I assume is me, a wee little f***er called ‘Orange’, I am judgin’ a wee bit now.
Shuggy: Wos this aboot anyway?
I ask motioning to the screen.
Mesh: Oh yeah, so I’ve been simming the title tournament in Fire Pro.
Shuggy: Scoutin’ like?
Mesh: Sort of… but… well, no.
Shuggy: So wha’s the point?
Mesh: It’s fun.
Mesh presses a coupla buttons an’ gets us started.
Mesh: See. This is the final too so, titles on the line.
Shuggy: Doesnae really look like Wembley does it?
Mesh: Suspend your disbelief.
I have got a wee kid and I’m wrestlin’ in the WFWF, so tha’ shouldnae be too hard.
She isnae even controlling these wee sprite f***ers.
Shuggy: Are games jus’ like watchin’ poor definition TV now?
I dinnae really get the point, and wee Mesh is beatin’ the c*** outta me, so I amnae havin’ much fun.
She playfully pushes my arm from across the aisle, I dinnae think she realises I wasnae jokin’.
Shuggy: Is this weird shi’ the soundtrack? Does it go off?
Mesh: ‘This weird s***’ is Frankie Knuckles, and you’re dead to me.
Whoops.
Shuggy: Oh sorry, no’ my cuppa tea.
I dinnae know if I’m makin’ a friend here or an enemy like, she seems pretty cool though.
…and Raze… 630 Splash… her wee lass has wiped the floor with my sprite c***.
Match evaluation 53%, wha’ a classic.
Shuggy: Yous kicked my c*** in.
She shot me a look to remind me I was in the company of non-Glaswegians.
Shuggy: I mean, ya beat me like pretty easy.
Mesh: Yeah, well, I am awesome.
Shuggy: I’m good lass, but I dinnae think I can suspend my disbelief tha’ much.
Got the lass in hysterics like, I’m a charming wee f***er really aren I?
Mesh: Don’t worry, you get past Billy and you won’t have to, I’ll get it done even quicker than ‘lil’ Blueberry did.
Shuggy: Willyeaye?
She smiled a cheeky smile and nodded ‘er heed, I gotta admit, I like the quirky wee lass.
---
It’s difficult, you know, to be aroun’ Joe Bishop for as long as I were, to be around Andy, an’ not to formulate an opinion ‘bout professional wrestling. ‘bout the state it’s in now, how it should be, what makes it great.
I say difficult, I think in reality it prolly isnae possible.
Me?
I gotta be honest, much as I respect the twos o’ them, I amnae on board with the whole ‘athletes no’ superstars’ s***e.
My introduction to wrestling was my grandad takin’ me through all his old favourites. These cheesy 80s muscle freaks who didnae look like real human bein’s. An’ you know what? I f***in’ loved it. I loved these larger than life characters. I loved the good guy finally takin’ the bad guy down. I loved the passion that flowed out o’ those guys when they got in front o’ a camera.
O’ course, they all turned out to be on roids, an’ half o’ them along with yer favourite 70s and 80s entertainers are paedos, so I’m no’ like harkening back to those days. Vast majority of the w***kers my Grandad loved belong in an eight-by-ten foot cell.
Bu’ the idea of good vs. bad. Huge characters. People that give yous a reason to care about pro-wrestling, not just athletes, drones, there ta be the best but without any real personality or heart. I amnae sayin’ tha’s Joe or Andy, but it’s how they idealise pro-wrestling. Me? I love some a’ the approach of tha’ stuff.
I think it’s changed this sport for the better.
An’ you know wha? I amnae gonna stand here and criticise legends like Drakz or Kyzer or Trace, ‘cause their violent. ‘cause those c***s gave me some of the coolest moments a my childhood (and the coolest belt in the history o’ wrestling too I might add). I’m also no’ gonna criticise the other group Joe Bishop and Andy Yates’d take a pop out, the ‘clowns’, the quirky wrestlers, the likes o’ Yukio, Mesh, Billy Broom, Austin Hayes, dare I say it, the likes a Shuggy.
I’m prouda consider myself a part o’ that group, ‘cause we make people care.
An’ I am nae just saying that. I’ve seen as many Mesh and Billy Broom fans out ‘ere as I have Brennan’s and Kyzer’s, ‘cause you know what, people who go outta their way to interact with the fans. Post about ‘em on social media. Show ‘em they love ‘em by going that extra step in the ring night after night, puttin’ it all on the line, those wrestlers are f***in’ awesome.
I wanna be one o’ those wrestlers.
You ask me?
There’s a place for everything.
Doesnae take a genius to work out tha’ I look up to Joe Bishop in tha’ ring.
An’ I know, I know, I prolly oughta look up to him a bit more outta it if I wanna really make something o’ myself in this company. Lay off the booze till the whole job’s done like, wha’ can I say, I was excited. I amnae worried aboot looking a bit daft every once in a while.
I am nae like him though, tha’s the thing.
I lookupa Mesh, to Billy, to Drakz, to Brennan, to Kyzer, I lookupa everyone here to be honest with you.
I’m as much a fan as anyone, I can barely walk through that locker room without marking oot.
But see, I’m one a ‘em now.
I certainly amnae gonna stand here and go ‘yous too violent’, ‘yoos not serious enough’, ‘yoos were scrubbin’ the toilets five minutes ago’, even if tha’s wha’ Daddy Andy and Uncle Joe wan’.
I keep herein’ tha’ Shuggy is a pal a’ Joe Bishop’s, prolly sticks his nose up a’ the lot o’ us too.
Well I donnae, I f***in’ love bein’ here, and honestly, I wouldnae change a thing about it.
Just the name o’ the title imma walk outta this tournament with if tha’s doable?
Anyone got Lila’s number?
Joe’s gonna f***in’ hate this.
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I f***in’ love Derby Day.
At least I have ever since Rangers died and Sevco decided they wann’ed to come up and get thrashed four times a year.
It’s been great since then like.
I know we’ve won the war an’ all and I shouldnae mock ‘em any more, I get tha’ it’s like kickin’ a dog six years after the wee f***er’s been put down, but it’s still kinda fun like.
Wha? I’m a terrible human bein’.
Derby Day does it to all o’ us.
Now, I amnae one for conspiracy theories (‘part from Roswell, an’ Area 51, an’ the Aurora Aliens, an’ the Majestic 12, an’ the jury’s still out on 9/11. (tha’ last one was just for comic effect, I amnae one of those knobs)), but it seems like a pretty big coincidence tha’ Poppy an’ Ellie can only Skype me while the game’s on.
Poppy Yates knows I’m a f***in’ dedicated Bhoy, tha’ I really dinnae wanna miss the derby, but it just so happens tha’ she’s busy literally every other day o’ the tour day and night. I amnae buyin’ tha’ for a second.
Still, I havenae go’ much of a choice to be perfectly honest. She can f*** me all she likes an’ I gotta take it ‘cause it’s no coincidence tha’ there isnae a ‘Mothers for Justice’.
So I’ve invested ma first WFWF pay cheque (and the huge dividend that I assume is headed for me bank from tha’ money we’re savin’ on KC Jones right?). I’ve bought mysel’ a second laptop, one side Celtic spanking Rangers, the other my beautiful lil’ lass an’ her passive aggressive mother whose tryin’ a make me choose.
Stunnin’.
Comin’ up for an hour an’ I gotta admit, I’m getting a bit twitchy like. Just aboot to Skype the lil’ one an’ I was kinda expectin’ we’d have four or five by now an’ I could relax a lil’.
Only got like half an hour left to toy with these f***ers before we kill ‘em off.
Poppy: Hi Daddy.
Ma wee lil girl sittin’ on her lap, lookin’ cute as f*** as per.
Poppy shakes her poor wee arm, she’s no’ a clue why.
Poppy: Hello Daddy.
Her squeaky baby voice isnae far off her real voice, but imma gonna be last in line to tell her.
Shuggy: Hey Pops, hey Ellie, how’s my little one.
Poppy: She’s good, she enjoyed watching Daddy get off to a winning start.
Hun corner. For f*** sake defend this lads… oh right Poppy…
Shuggy: Aww, awesome, she been behaving hersel’?
Counter, Rogic going through, go on, go on…
Poppy: She sure has, Mummy took her into town today, showed her round the…
Shuggy: YES! Get in ya wee c***!… ah… oh.. uh…
Oh s***.
Poppy: Something more important than your little girl?
Damage limitation now Shugs, damage limitation.
Shuggy: Nae, nae, course no’ just a, just happy to hear she’s been… doin’… what was it you said?
Stop smilin’, you’ve been caught out you daftie, there’ll be time to mock the huns after Poppy makes you feel bad aboot bein’ a s***e Dad, ‘kay?.
Deal.
Poppy: You’re unbelievable.
Shuggy: I’m sorry, honestly, just got a wee bit carried away with the footie ya know, how is she?
Poppy: She’s just heard her Dad call a footballer a c*** as a term of endearment, I imagine she’s scarred for life.
Shuggy: She doesnae understand.
Poppy: No.
There we go.
Poppy: Nor do I to be honest.
Shuggy: Sorry.
Poppy: When you get back from this tour, let’s try and talk to her without mentioning any genitals shall we?
Shuggy: Yes mam.
You’re such a fanny Shuggy.
Poppy: See you in England. I’ll leave you with the football.
Shuggy: Bye. See you little one, love you, I’ll be bringing you a title back.
Poppy: Bye.
Shuggy: Sorry Daddy’s a knobheed.
Olivier Ntcham you f***in’ beauty.
---
Billy Broom, honestly man, I’m stoked to be in tha’ ring with you.
I couldnae be more excited for it honestly.
An’ you nae wha? I like a think you’ll be excited to be in there with me, ‘cause you know yous been worryin’ aboot people not takin’ you seriously?
Well guess wha’ pal, I amnae good enough not to take every f***er I step in there with seriously.
Was kinda nice I done bumped into Mesh though ya know. No’ just ‘cause she seems pretty cool, but it was a nice timely reminder.
See I mean what I say.
With her it’s no’ that she wins ‘cause people underestimate her. Tha’s just how insecure lil’ men rationalise havin’ their arse kicked by a wee lass with blue hair.
She wins ‘cause she’s better ‘an ‘em.
It’d be easy to fall in’a the same trap with yous Billy. Assume yous just some cleaner who keeps getting’ lucky ‘cause folk assume it’s gonna be a walkover.
But me? I couldnae, in good consciounce, put your hot streak down’a that.
You throw a 90 year old lady inna tha’ ring with KC ‘take me ball an’ run home’ Jones, an’ you arenae gonna be havin’ a celebration in the old folks home when she’s underestimated, yous gonna be havin’ a funeral.
You’re winnin’, quite simple like, ‘cause you’re f***in’ good.
Only takes an honest pair o’ eyes, tha’ havenae prejudged you ‘cause you’re the janitor, to see that yous can go. Prolly a lot better ‘an I can.
So I amnae preparing for this match by goin’ ‘He’s good, imma take him seriously an’ then I’ll win like’.
I know it donnae work like that. I know you’re f***in’ good an’ taking you seriously is step one of about 300-odd things I gotta do right to end up pinnin’ you an’ walking out of Mexico with my place in a match for the Intergalactic Spaceman Championship booked.
I know you’re capable o’ winnin’ this and makin’ me look silly in the process.
If it does end up you beating me, perhaps taking that belt back to Jenny, then I wouldnae begrudge you that.
You keep doin’ wa you’ve been doing, put me doon for the coont? I wouldnae complain.
But see, it isnae gonna be about one a us underestimating the other, an’ it isnae gonna be personal, an’ it isnae gonna be two wrestlers who’ve got any sorta dislike for one another. Least I hope it’s not gonna be tha’ on your part, it certainly isnae on mine.
It’s gonna be a battle of two wrestlers who wanna entertain people, and two Dads who wanna bring a belt back to their daughter a’ the end of this wee tour.
For this place? Tha’s bloody refreshing if you ask me.
And, as I say, I wouldnae begrudge you tha’ win.
How could I? You wanna do this for your daughter, I wanna do it for mine. It’s s***e we can’t both do it, but you beat me in this ring an I’ll be pullin’ for you in that final, ‘cause how couldn’t I?
But, I’m afraid, it isnae gonna happen for you. No’ if I get my way.
‘cause I’m takin’ that belt back to Ellie when all is said and done.
I’ll feel bad about denyin’ Jenny that experience, ‘course I will.
But I figure I’ve done her more than enough favours already ta be honest. She’s prolly gonna have a Mesh piñata at her next birthday party ‘cause a me (I was gonna go with a Billy Broom piñata, but we’d both be kiddin’ ourselves if we pretended you’re her favourite).
And hey, I’ll happily pose for a selfie with ‘er an’ my title.
Tell ‘er to bring ‘er camera phone to Wembley.
OOC: So yeah, time’s been on the short side this week, hence me leaving it so late to get scene approval from Mesh & Casey (thank you both). Thank you for being cool with me getting it up after work today King Richius . This has also had only a limited proof read – made all the more difficult by everything having a red squiggly line under it regardless (damn Scots, they ruined Scotland), so yeah. Apologies if it’s a steaming pile of s***.
I dont know good luck 
