|
Post by Kill Em' All on Aug 11, 2018 17:50:19 GMT -5
A special WFWF before the Dome Documentary
''Behind the man, Chris Priceless'' *Clips and montage pictures of Chris Priceless during his youthfully years*
Chris Priceless: My whole life, I been searching for this moment. This defining moment, the moment everyone in their life speaks about. The marriage, Jimmy's soccer trophy, shaking hands with the president and that moment I been looking for my whole life. Ever since I was a little boy, I searched for this thing called belonging. I always tried to be someone I wasn't. My family always wanted something I wanted. The clean cut Italian kid off to a university making 6 figures a year. They never wanted the creative, unheard of, and outspoken kid. I always tried to make them happy regardless. But, was it ever a enough? It was always pushed aside to something else. I was made into this joke, this laughing stock. Or maybe I was the punching bag? Or was I the flawed child? I was all of them to them. This whole lifetime I have looked for this moment. This moment for me to be heard, the moment for me to shine. The great triumph story, that makes my family happy. Makes society accept me, the moment that made me respected. Since childhood, I have struggled with respect. Why is it that the kid who sit in the back silent and listens get f***ed over the most? Can somebody explain that to me? I never got that. They say life isn't fair, but whoever said it would be? I was the kid who'd share his lunch with the kid who didn't have any. I'd help the kid who couldn't f***ing understand the World History homework. I was the f***ing kid, that let his shoulder be the thing you could cry on. I never asked for this thing called ''entitlement''. I always just asked for respect. The kid who I gave some of my lunch to, bit that hand that feeds him. The kid I gave knowledge to, used the same knowledge to belittle me. The one I gave emotional support, was the one who played my emotions. In this life time, I learned a lot. That only I, me, and myself will pull through. This defining moment in life, the moment not only WFWF superstars look too. It's the moment we all as people look to. The police officer, the doctor, the coach, the single father, and beyond all look to a moment. But, my moment will never be for this my family to respect me. It never will be for society to accept me. This moment is for me. This is for Chris Priceless. Chris Priceless is going to leave the Tokyo Dome, as the baddest son of a b*** in the WFWF!
*Commercial Break*
Did You know?: Chris Priceless got into his first major High School fight in protection of a girl who was beat by her brother. Many claimed to have called Priceless, a Batman like character. A anti hero, and protector only to the outspoken.
Daniel Knight: I am here with Chris Priceless. Chris you suffered a heartbreaking loss against Mesh. *Eyeroll* how will you change this, with Ryan Needles?
Chris Priceless: You see Daniel, Mesh gave her heart in that ring. She kept getting up, getting up, and getting up. But, she knows for a fact it won't happen again. It isn't over with me and you Mesh! You know, you took a ass kicking. Mesh, I can't even promise is 100% handing into the Dome tonight. But, Mesh did earn my respect. Unlike Knight over here, I don't have a disliking for you that is as petty as a little girl. I hate Mesh for what she stands for. You're nothing but, a angry little sports commentator.
Daniel Knight: Chr...
Chris Priceless: Listen Knight, I don't want to hear you. I could give a f*** about anything that comes out your mouth. I underestimated Mesh, I didn't study her style. I have watched the tapes over and over. But, Ryan and I both underestimated Mesh. We both learned, Ryan knows it'll be a grave mistake to underestimate me. I know for a fact, I won't underestimate Ryan. I know exactly what I have to do to walk out of the Tokyo Dome. It's easier said then done. But, I will go out and steal that show. Nobody in the WFWF will talk about anything, but what I did at the Dome. Many are warning me of Ryan, even my own parents. Many, even say physically I have met my match. If I have to kill myself, go to hell and back, I will bleed and bleed I will, all in the name of victory. This is bigger then anyone in this company will ever understand. This is what I have to stand up and step up for. This is my life's work on the line. It may not even seem like that, no career is on the line. Not even a real stipulation, all it simply it ; is a victory for myself. Nothing will stop, Chris Priceless man, woman, child,...or beast.
*Priceless lifting a serious of heavy weights, push ups, boxing, and kickboxing is shown as he prepares for battle*
*Commercial Break*
Did You Know?: Chris Priceless started working out at the age of 16, due to constant bullying. Chris was noted in the gym for his never say die attitude and raw strength. A gym goer said ''he went from the chubby skinny arm long haired kid to a f---ing animal in a year.
Chris Priceless: *Loud and pumped up* The WFWF keeps buzzing, none stop. All for this one match. This one clash of the titans. Two of the biggest men to step foot in the WFWF. Two of the most perverted sick sons of b****'s! It's even two to big to even be held in the united states. A war is coming to the Tokyo Dome. *Pure anger in the voice* But let me tell you something Needles, you never met a man as vicious as me. You like hurting people for what? If you wanna love hurting people, you also must lost being hurt. You're nowhere near me Needles. You are nothing but Chris Priceless light! You're a little boy hiding behind a character. All this tough talk for what? Wah Wah Wah, I look different. Wah Wah Wah, society doesn't accept me. You chose you are, I was made the way I am. You chose this path. You are what I hate the most, a imposer. I almost want to pity you, but I hate you to much. You're just a scared little boy, like a dear in the headlights.*Remorsefully and lowered tone* In a perfect world we should almost be friends, I should almost be your protector. But in this world, you're just a Hollywood character. That pisses me off, beyond words. Everything I have faced to see a character chose the way he is. Listen kid, your best odd is to get the hell out of the Tokyo Dome. I sit every night, praying to the god above that you don't show up to the Dome. Not only that, I pray for your family. Because, I am going to rip you limb from limb. And to be honest here, if this match wasn't sanctioned for what I am going to do to you. I would be locked for a very long time. Ryan, get out of Tokyo. The reaper has been calling your name. Your time has come.
|
|
|
Post by CM Poor: DeepFigureValue on Aug 12, 2018 7:04:41 GMT -5
I like that you're carrying on with a different approach to your RPs. A lot of folks here will contend that you need to stick to a formula that shows us your character living day to day, making sandwiches and sh*t, but for my money, as long as the effort is there, I'd much rather see someone buck the convention if it gets the job done, and with a bit of work, this just might. The "documentary in writing" format is a tough egg to crack, but if you keep at it, there's no reason you can't perfect it.
You got a lot of feedback on your first piece, and it seems that you took some of that to heart, because you've trimmed a lot of the fat here with the confusing cast of characters being set aside for the moment. That's a great step forward, and if you keep heeding the advice of others, you'll tighten things up more and more each time.
You touched on a lot of what makes this place tick - addressing your loss, moving past it, and onward to your next. That shows that with polish, you've got the tools to take this all to the next level.
Going forward, I'd focus on tightening things up. Really focus on what Chris is saying - eventually, you'll be beating a dead horse if you keep on with the troubled past narrative. Find a way to move him past it so that his past can instead serve as a catalyst for who he is today. Don't be afraid to break up your segments within themselves - your first stretch was a wall of text that was a bit of a strain to read. Breaking it up into sections to serve as breath pauses can make it much more enticing to read.
As a background bit, try and sketch out an outline of who Chris is - from birth up to today. It'll help you move your narrative along and prevent you from tripping over the details in the future when you do reintroduce a supporting cast to strengthen your primary.
This was an improvement over your last, which is the most a new writer can hope for show over show. Good work there, guy.
|
|
|
Post by King Richius on Aug 13, 2018 11:35:59 GMT -5
I agree, this was a definite improvement over your last piece. The documentary format was just kind of there for me as it pretty much amounted to a monologue piece, although it did allow for some insight by Chris into the Daniel Knight situation so kudos for touching on that. Makes it apparent that Chris is paying attention to what is going on outside of his little corner of the WFWF.
I thought the opening paragraph touched on a lot in Chris's past that could be fleshed out in the future and really help establish why this man is the way he is. It was my favorite part of the piece.
I usually turn a blind eye to a typo or grammatical error because it isn't a big deal but you had a large number of errors that by the end started to bother me. The wrong form of their/there/they're or "dear" for "deer" for example. And there were several instances where the way you said something didn't sound right. Nothing that couldn't be fixed with a proofread and while you're at it, read it out loud. Sometimes that's all it takes for you to hear that something doesn't sound natural and fix it.
Good effort. Can't wait to see what's next.
|
|
Deleted
Joined on: Mar 29, 2024 7:47:25 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2018 17:04:39 GMT -5
This RP is much better than your debut RP which is good. Like I told theicwguy, improvement is good so this made me happy
As a cinephiliac, I liked the "documentary" approach you took in order for us - the readers to learn some small facts about Chris which in a way reminded me of the Matt Facts from Matt Hardy's v1 era.
Like your opponent, there were some verbal gems in this. My favorite line, in particular was this one: "You chose you are, I was made the way I am."
I personally could have done without the videos. I get what you were trying to do but in my opinion, they didn't really add to the RP.
Other than really fleshing out Chris as a character, I would work on the grammar and spelling for next time.
Looking forward to your next RP.
|
|
|
Post by King Richius on Aug 13, 2018 17:37:54 GMT -5
I personally could have done without the videos. I get what you were trying to do but in my opinion, they didn't really add to the RP.
I'll be honest. I didn't watch them. It's nice to add non-written elements to an RP but at the same time be aware that some of us may not care one way or the other.
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 18, 2018 2:36:49 GMT -5
I definitely see potential here.
I dug the documentary approach, and as said above, I think over time that it will become better and better.
My biggest critique is that you give very, very limited description. Try to paint a picture, or a moving scene in a movie, for the reader.
Keep it up.
Good job.
|
|
|
Post by Markw on Aug 20, 2018 17:50:51 GMT -5
I like that you're carrying on with a different approach to your RPs. A lot of folks here will contend that you need to stick to a formula that shows us your character living day to day, making sandwiches and sh*t, but for my money, as long as the effort is there, I'd much rather see someone buck the convention if it gets the job done, and with a bit of work, this just might. The "documentary in writing" format is a tough egg to crack, but if you keep at it, there's no reason you can't perfect it. You got a lot of feedback on your first piece, and it seems that you took some of that to heart, because you've trimmed a lot of the fat here with the confusing cast of characters being set aside for the moment. That's a great step forward, and if you keep heeding the advice of others, you'll tighten things up more and more each time. You touched on a lot of what makes this place tick - addressing your loss, moving past it, and onward to your next. That shows that with polish, you've got the tools to take this all to the next level. Going forward, I'd focus on tightening things up. Really focus on what Chris is saying - eventually, you'll be beating a dead horse if you keep on with the troubled past narrative. Find a way to move him past it so that his past can instead serve as a catalyst for who he is today. Don't be afraid to break up your segments within themselves - your first stretch was a wall of text that was a bit of a strain to read. Breaking it up into sections to serve as breath pauses can make it much more enticing to read. As a background bit, try and sketch out an outline of who Chris is - from birth up to today. It'll help you move your narrative along and prevent you from tripping over the details in the future when you do reintroduce a supporting cast to strengthen your primary. This was an improvement over your last, which is the most a new writer can hope for show over show. Good work there, guy. Don't want to add too much as this response is essentially perfect. I'd just like to add my vote to the 'keep going with this style'. If nothing else it's good to see a distinct approach to things. I think that's refreshing and if you can stick with it and put in the time you'll need to develop your writing you'll really have something good. It's going to take a lot of work and won't happen overnight but it really is worth it. Aesthetically it'd be good if you can find a music streaming site that lets you insert songs with a small banner, I find having the youtube videos there a bit visually irritating so maybe look into that if time allows (love the idea of including them in there by the way, again something very different to what is normal here, but can certainly add something to your character/story). Read Brennan and everyone elses advice, keep reading other RPs for inspiration and working on your writing and you'll keep improving.
|
|