Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2018 18:32:14 GMT -5
Cry Baby
“The greatest test of courage on Earth is to bear defeat without losing heart.” – Robert Green Ingersoll
“The greatest test of courage on Earth is to bear defeat without losing heart.” – Robert Green Ingersoll
Hi guys, it’s Melvin Ferd. Just kidding, it’s actually Mesh. I’m outside my house for this vlog since it’s nice and beautiful out here. This place right here…
She pans the camera around, so her backyard can be seen. It’s very big, surrounded by trees. There’s a small dirt path that leads further into the trees and fallen leaves are spread out all across the ground. The smell of mist fills the air.
Is my favorite place ever. Most kids had a treehouse or something, I had…this. It’s like my own little forest that I could get lost in and just…forget. I was very sheltered as a kid which meant I had to improvise on how to have fun. I wouldn’t change it for anything.
Mesh looks around with a smile on her face and really takes it all in. The feeling she gets when she’s in her favorite place is euphoric and magical.
So, if you don’t already know, I didn’t win at Breakout. Not going to lie – I’m a bit disappointed but I know I did the best I could. Maybe this is this just a sign that I’m not ready yet. Maybe my time to shine isn’t now...
Mesh pauses once she realizes how dumb that comment was.
Of course, it isn’t – I’ve only been here for three months. Frank has years of experience under his belt so as the veteran, he had the advantage which brings me to Ms. Sleater. I’m a bit…confused about her and her intentions. I mean – when I talked to her on the phone, she seemed like a real nice person. According to her, I’m an “easy way out”. Good to know that my own boss doesn’t believe in me. I mean, she has a point – there’s a bit of disparity between Frank’s experience and mine but the way she talked about me was….kinda humiliating.
Mesh rolls her eyes.
Whatever. People tend to say bad things about me all the time. It was just the “easy way out” comment that really steamed my broccoli. My match was a lot closer than she might think. I mean, when I went backstage as the show was ending, I got a round of applause by a bunch of the crew members and staff. That has to mean something, right? I don’t know. I do want to say thank you to Frank, for really bringing out the best in me. That might be the best match I’ve ever had and the fact that he took me seriously – really gave me that boost of confidence that I need sometimes.
Oh yeah – and Daphne, I really hope you learned not to talk smack about me in Spanish since, you know -
Mesh winks.
I don’t know why you're so... hostile towards me. You don’t even know me, like at all. You say terrible things about me every chance you get, and you even said that you hope I'd die at Breakout. That really says a lot about you and the kind of person you are. I have tons of respect for Frank and I even respect you too. You’re the Pantera Negra. If you think I’m up to something to try and screw Frank over or something, then you’re wrong. In a lot of ways, I look up to Frank. He’s been the only person in the back that’s ever been nice to me.
I know the way I approached him at End Time wasn’t the best, but I had a fangirl moment – you would know about those Daphne, wouldn’t you? You’re like the ultimate fangirl of Frank and you truly want what’s best for him. I'm not sure if anyone’s ever told you this, but I think you're a bad influence on Frank. You kinda turned the crowd against him when you would interfere in our match and a guy like Frank doesn’t need that. Maybe you should let Frank think for himself?
Mesh shrugs.
I'm sure it just rustles your jimmies, knowing that I speak Spanish. Saying horrible things to someone when you think they do not understand you must be nice. There were a couple of girls in school that would do that, and they were just shocked as you, but I’ll elaborate more on my school experiences later. This vlog is going to be a bit serious, I might add so….yeah.
One more thing, Daphne. I may be a better person than I am a wrestler but at least – I’m able to wrestle. Just saying.
Anyway, where was I again?
Mesh stares off into space, trying to remember what she was trying to say – if anything.
Oh, right. Losing. But yeah, I lost at Breakout as did all the other rookies. It would’ve been nice to see, at least one of us come out on top, you know? Except Bat Boy.
Mesh makes a face as if the air around her suddenly smelled like 120-degree vomit.
And yes, I am well aware that I cried at the end of the show. Thanks internet. It was such an awesome moment, you know? I literally gave Frank my all – and he still won. I wanted to earn his respect and I think I did. That’s why I cried. I did get Frank to laugh, so…
Thumbs up from Mesh, followed by a smile.
Which brings me to the bulk of today’s vlog/rant/monologue/soliloquy– Second to None. At Second to None, my opponent is Chris Priceless. Who is he? I don’t know. The guy is a bit of a mystery but what is known about him is that he was bullied growing up and that he lost somebody very close to him at a young age. I’ve never had so much in common with an opponent. Like, ever. My first opponent was an old, rich guy from England, my second was Bat Boy and umm….the less said about him, the better.
Mesh makes a face of pure and utter disgust, as if she had eaten a piece of meat which is pretty bad considering Mesh is vegan. That pretty much sums up how she feels about Ryan “Needles” Payne.
Jerk.
Finally, my third opponent was a champion who’s been fighting and wrestling at the highest level since he was a kid, but Chris is different. I mean, sure – he’s definitely another angst-ridden wrestler to include with the rest of the angst-ridden wrestlers in the back who all have personal issues. We all have them. Some of us are good at hiding them while others let those issues define them. I certainly don' let those things define me. But I can relate to him. You know, it’s interesting how we both sorta grew up, having similar experiences yet went down different paths. I feel for you, Chris. I really do. Losing somebody that you love at an early age is painful. You lost your brother, I lost my dad.
The tone in Mesh’s voice suddenly changes.
I was only three years old and of course, that was before I learned who he really was but still – that’s my dad. I don’t know why he thought the way he did or why he did the things he did, but I know he loved my mom and me.
Mesh stares off into the distance.
I remember him taking me to some other woman’s house one day. It was a big house, a lot bigger than our house. He introduced me to his “friend”, Joy – which is ironic considering what little joy she brought to me and my mom later on. It’s fairly obvious what was going on now but at the time, I just thought she was a real nice lady.
I remember my dad sat with me to watch an old cartoon by the fireplace – Steamboat Willie. It was weird since we didn’t have one at our house. I must’ve passed out since I don’t remember how it ends. The next day, my dad and Joy took me to some burger place for breakfast where they had those chicken nuggets that I liked. They had a playpen there and I remember running towards it as soon as we walked inside. My dad came with me, holding my hand as we went down the slides. It was so fun. As we were coming out of the slide, Joy walked in front of us and snapped a picture of us. I still have that picture.
Mesh holds the picture up to the camera.
Mesh looks at the picture. She hasn’t seen the picture in years, probably because of the emotions tied to it. The longer she looks at it, the harder she cries. There is an uncomfortable silence alongside sounds of birds chirping as Mesh weeps quietly.
I did not think it was going to hit me this hard. What sucks is that this is my favorite picture of my dad and yet, my mom wasn’t the one who took it.
She continues to cry. After a moment of silence, she wipes the tears from her eyes. She continues telling her story, but her voice is breaking.
“Wake up, honey.” I remember him whispering in my ear, waking me up very early the next morning. “I gotta take you back to your mom.” he said, grabbing my jacket. Everything looked fuzzy. I remember getting dressed where my dad surprised me with a gift – one of those books that had buttons on the side and the buttons would make noise. I don’t know what they’re called.
He dropped me off with my mom, who was living with my grandparents at the time. My mom came out to take me inside. I didn’t much think much of it at the time, but I remember my dad not acknowledging my mom. I remember waving to my dad and he waved back. He drove off and that was the last time I ever saw him. For many years, I was led to believe that he had a heart attack while driving.
When I was a teenager, my granny kinda hinted at what really happened to my dad without indirectly telling me. It was one night when we were, strangely enough watching the WFWF on TV. “He got into one of his moods. Please talk to someone if you ever feel really sad.” That was all I needed to hear. I knew what had happened. Granny didn’t like the fact that my mom never told me the truth but I’m glad she told me. Mama Bear eventually found out and she was upset. I guess she didn’t want me to know in case I thought that my dad didn’t love me or something but looking back, I get it. She thought it was for the best.
I used to be so angry at him for many years because I thought it was selfish of him to leave us – my mom and I alone. I used to think that if he didn’t love my mom and I then why should I love him back? But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my dad didn’t know what he wanted with his life and that’s what made him sad. I don’t know.
My mom would tell me stories of him and how he would often go out with friends; who were all single and he would get jealous of the freedoms and lack of responsibility that they would have. He became disenchanted. Normally, he didn’t smoke or drink, but he always smoked or drank whenever he hung out with his friends. He wanted the life his friends had. He would never acknowledge my mom if he was asked in public. According to my mom, he wasn’t a good drinker. That’s why to this day, I have never had any alcohol and why I never will.
Anyway, he’s buried back home in Arizona right next to my grandmother, grandfather and uncle.
Mesh wipes the tears from her eyes again. The sound of birds is all that's heard as Mesh’s weeping is muffled. She sniffles and wipes the tears from her eyes again.
But yeah, enough about my dysfunctional family. Geez, I’m such a cry baby.
Mesh suddenly stops recording and starts to cry again. She thinks about her dad all the time, but she’s never really talked about it publicly. The whole world now knows about her dad, something she’s always keep between herself and her mom. While she may be emotional, she’s okay. She’s in her favorite place. It always kept her safe from the outside world. And it’s keeping her safe now.
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A couple of minutes go by and she’s calmed down. She sat in silence and listened to music that the birds have been providing all day. In a way, talking about her dad was real therapeutic for her. Once she’s ready, she hits the record button but with the magic of online video editing, it’ll appear as a jump cut.
I’m back, guys. Just needed a moment. I was talking about Chris Priceless and how much we have in common, right?
Mesh makes a face as to say, “I know I just cried again but can we just move on now?”
School also wasn’t very nice to us either, huh Chris? This may come as a shock to a lot of people but…I was bullied too. I didn’t have the most pleasant experience in school. Especially middle school. The worst three years of my life. That’s such a weird time to be a kid because everyone that I went to school with was into dating and drinking and smoking and doing teenage things. I was into drawing, techno music, pro wrestling and action figures so like everywhere I go, I didn’t really fit in.
It’s funny how back then, video games were for “nerds” yet today, they’re commonly accepted by most people. Middle school was where I fell in love with music and writing so that’s one positive thing, I guess. I had two notebooks; one for my classes and the other was literally filled with promos and storylines and character ideas and match cards for the AFW.
Mesh laughs.
But yeah, school sucked. When I was little, I didn’t really have friends. That followed me all throughout high school and that’s where I made a couple of friends but….let’s just say that I screwed that up.
Mesh starts getting bad flashbacks to dumb decisions.
So now I’m a loner, to a certain extent. Probably for my own good. Kat is really the only person I would consider a friend – in fact she’s more than a friend. That girl is like the sister I never had. She tends to put things in perspective and my mom is always very supportive. No matter what. That’s all I need.
Mesh pauses again.
My experiences with bullying were at their worst in middle school - St. Amy Middle School. I remember one time during lunch, I was sitting by myself on a bench, just drawing with my earbuds in, probably listening to The Prodigy. There was this kid that always gave me a hard time – Gerald who came up to me with two of his friends. He sat next to me and just kinda…stared at me. It was really awkward, but I just ignored him. I always did. “Why do you always ignore me?” he asked. He knew damn well why I would ignore him. He always made fun of how I looked or what was I wearing. Basically, anything he could make fun of. Like a mini Don Rickles, except Don Rickles is hilarious. Gerald was just obnoxious. There was a point in time where he always called me "poonani". He just never left me alone. He must’ve gotten angry since he shut my sketchbook, thus grabbing my attention. “I’m talking to you!” he yelled at me.
I remember just looking at him and getting right in his face, “You’re an a**hole! You always have something to say about me and I’m just done! That’s why! Now, please leave. Me. Alone.” I grabbed my things and walked away. I still remember the expression on Gerald’s face once I finally told him off. His jaw dropped, and he kept looking back at his cronies. I don’t remember their names but for the sake of the story let’s call them Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.
Now, as I was walking away, his cronies followed me. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum stopped in front of me, blocking my path. As I tried to go around them, Gerald came up behind me and snatched my backpack away from me. He ran off with it while his cronies held me back, so I couldn’t go after Gerald. I managed to push one of them off me and I took off after Gerald. I managed to grab one of the straps of my bag, but he didn’t let go. We were literally playing tug-of-war with my Lisa Frank backpack. I kept pulling and pulling on the strap and so was Gerald.
Suddenly, the bag sorta ripped. Not in half but enough to where everything inside went flying up in the air! As cliché as this sounds but it was like time froze. All my notebooks, drawings, materials, textbooks – everything landed on the ground. I remember Gerald laughing once he realized what he had done. Many of the kids that saw what happened started to point and laugh which was humiliating.
As if things couldn’t any worse, the bell rings. Everyone starts scrambling past me, walking past the mess. Some kids kicked my stuff as they walked by. Gerald had one of my notebooks – the one that was full of wrestling stuff and before I could say anything, he tore it in two pieces. “You, stupid ugly b*****!” I remember him yelling at me. He threw the notebook at me, barely missing me. He walked away with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum following him. I started to cry. I felt invisible. I remember seeing teachers walk past me, minding their own business. I hated that school. I'm glad it closed down.
Nobody came to help me or anything. I grabbed whatever I could and ditched. I walked home, crying the whole way there. Now normally, this would be the part where I tell you that Gerald left me alone after that. Sadly, that’s not the case. It got worse later on. Much worse but that’s a story for another time.
As in not now.
I still have some of those notebooks though. They’re on my shelf in my room, albeit very beat up and old but I’m glad that they managed to survive my teenage years. Maybe I’ll do a series of videos where I go back and read some of the things that I wrote when I was a kid/teenager. I’ll call it Childhood Cringe.
Mesh laughs.
I still get bullied to this day. I make videos and post them online, there’s hundreds of selfies of me on the internet. Ever since joining the WFWF, my online presence has grown substantially, which makes me a bigger target for online bullying and/or harassment. You should see some of the lovely things people say to me! That was sarcasm, by the way.
The whole point of this vlog is that I didn’t let those things define me. Regardless of whatever life throws at me, I can handle it and you can too. Years ago, I would’ve crumbled like a cookie but overtime, I grew thick skin, so I don’t let stuff like that bring me down. Me losing my dad at three years old, I know people that were devastated by things like that – and they never recovered. Everyone has gotten bullied at some point in their lives and sometimes, it becomes too much. Somebody that went to middle school with me couldn’t deal with the constant bullying and let’s just say that things didn’t end well for them. It's so sad.
Mesh looks down at the ground.
I always had my mom and eventually, Kat thankfully. I’ve always had a great support system. Maybe that’s why I never went down a dark path like Chris did. Maybe that’s why I’m not resentful or frustrated with the world for dealing me such a crummy hand. One of the things my mom would always say to me is “If it’s not true then why get upset about it?” and I think I took that literally. I know I’m a good wrestler so when somebody says that I suck or in the case of Ms. Slater, an “easy way out” – I tend not to get upset by it. It just makes me want to succeed even more.
I like you, Chris. I really do, and I hope that you find happiness in your life someday and manage to move on from your brother's death but I’m at a point in my career where according to some, my role in the title picture is being treated as a question of not 'if' but 'when' which is crazy to me considering my tenure here in the WFWF and as far as I'm concerned - you're in the way. I may have lost to Frank at Breakout but to be honest – I’m glad I did. I wasn’t ready for the spotlight and sometimes, the better story is often told as a result of a defeat. Or something like that. Whatever happens, I just want you to know, Chris – if you ever need a friend or just somebody to talk to, don’t hesitate to ask. I think it’s safe to say that I understand you better than most people in the WFWF will.
I’m just so emotionally drained right now so I think I’m going to end the vlog. Thank you so much for listening to me ramble on and cry again. I hope this wasn’t too much. It probably was. I really hope to see you lovelies in Chicago! Just call me Mesh the Cry Baby from now on. I love you all! Byeeeeee!
I dont know good luck 
