The repair man

[hardyz]

Scene:Horror is in a van jamming to his favorite band Slaid Cleaves. While he is jamming, he is thinking. About his opponent, his friend Curse Eagle, his girlfriend,how he needs a big break,some money, and what he is about to do. Here are some of his thoughts.

Man, what if something goes wrong and I loose to Pluto? What if I win, will they go after Curse or maybe even as far as going after my girl? I will kill them if they do anything to any of my friends. And with all of this on my mind, I am still going to do what I am right now, I must be really twisted.

As he thinks some more he turns into a dark alley way filled with garbage like peoples Thanksgiving dinner. He thinks "DAMN!" and finally gets onto a main street and pulls in front of someone's house, puts on a blue and white cap, and gets out of the van. He is wearing a blue and white jump suit. He is dressed as a heating and cooling man. He knocks on the persons door and waits for an answer and gets it. It is an old man.

Horror:Hello, my company ummm...Mr. Heatcool got a call from this house saying that your furnace was broken?

Man:You did, OK in that case please come on in and I will show you to the furnace room.

Horror:OK.

They arrive at the room, Horror goes in and pretends to look at the furnace. He takes a wrench and pretended to tighten a few bolts and gets up and says:

Horror:Here you are good man, god as new.

Man:How much do I owe you?

Horror:Lets think...Furnace repair $350.

Man:OK.Here you g...wait a minute, I know you, you are The High Horror from WFWF, you are not a maintenance man.

Horror:Ummm... no I am not. I will take the money and.....RUN!!!!!!Horror runs out the door into his van, and takes off. He says:

Horror:What a rush!! Wow...Wahoo! And as for you Pluto you are dead. I am not a janitor or a fix-er-upper guy, but I will wipe the floor with you and your jackass manager. You are nothing. It ill be the easiest match of my life, easier that stealing candy from a baby, or money from that old man-hag. All you are is all talk no game. All brawn no brains. I do not care what is said here about me. They may call me a jackass, a moron, thief, good man, bad man, I do not really care. You will rue the day that you stepped into the ring of The High Horror.

Horror takes the camera and throws it out the window. The camera is smashed to bits. Everything goes black.

[cureforthesickness]

what is this? This seems almost exactly like your previous roleplays. The text is really generic sounding and the concept of the roleplay in general is lacking. Why would you just randomly steal from someone? More importantly, why would someone recognize you out of the clear blue, when you haven't even been on TV yet. Even if you had, it wouldn't be an instant recognizable star. Guys like Ken Kennedy can walk around all over the place and not be recognized.

Why would your charecter just steal money, or more importantly, have some crazy Bugs Bunny-ish scam do to so?

the inner thoughts are one of the few saving graces of this roleplay, and they are still very generic. You focus way too much on the match and just saying "I will win" over and over in different ways, and not enough on your charecter

Instead of trying to throw the weight around that you don't have, read roleplays like Kira Wright's. Read roleplays like Reverend Shadow's or Wayne McGurk. Try to pick things up from others.

[hardyz]

Damn...well I am trying my damndest here. I guess I am not that good. I might as well leave if I can't pull out a good RP.

[sonstuds]

Why would you just randomly steal from someone?

Because it's his character? You can use the "why would you..." tactic on every roleplay by every roleplayer.

Honestly, to the roleplayer, don't worry about this. Everyone sucks when they first start. You'll get better. Just stop with the different colored fonts. They look really stupid.

[thesouthsidekid]

Hey man, I think that once you tap into some more character depth and different ways to say things, you'll be better off. For now, try taking the constructive critisism and use it to make yourself a better rp'er.

[somethingmore]

hardyz said:

Damn...well I am trying my damndest here. I guess I am not that good. I might as well leave if I can't pull out a good RP.

All of us sucked at one point or another... All of use had the ...if I can't pull out a good RP.. Thought at one time.. You won't be a Kyzer right at the start.. Gotta work at it, work hard, and get better.. Took me almost 3 years to be able to make a decent RP... And that sucks more than most of the guy's worst here.. It takes time..

[hardyz]

Thanks for the advice guys. I am really trying here.