Post by kingkraig on Jan 19, 2008 16:37:11 GMT -5
[It’s a cold and shadowy night as two twenty year olds walk down a deserted road. They’re boyfriend and girlfriend after a date in which they saw a movie.]
Boyfriend: That was a good movie.
Girlfriend: It was really good but not as good as “Click”.
Boyfriend: I agree. Say, what was the name of that movie we just saw? Keep in mind this is a totally illogical question because I saw it with you, but for the readers at home it would help if they knew.
Girlfriend: “One Missed Call”. It’s about someone that calls you then kills you. Sorta like “The Ring”.
Boyfriend: Actually, that sounds a lot like “The Ring”. But it was entertaining and chilling so I give it two thumbs up.
Girlfriend: Say, it sounds like you were almost reviewing this movie. That’s strange.
Boyfriend: It is.
[He stops.]
Boyfriend: It’s almost like I have this strange urge to review movies. Almost like something is taking over me.
Girlfriend: Oh my God!! I’m really scared…….I have the exact same urge!
Boyfriend: This is weird. Let’s get out of here. We can go home and you can [censored] my [censored].
[They continue to walk down the desolate road. It’s really creepy and dark. If you were here you’d be scared, no doubt. Suddenly, a narrative voice looms overhead.]
Darkness falls across the land, the midnight hour is close at hand…
Boyfriend: What the hell was that?
Girlfriend: Now I’m really scared!
Boyfriend: You should be.
Girlfriend: What’s that supposed to mean?
Boyfriend: I’m not like other guys.
Girlfriend: . . . What’s that supposed to mean?
Boyfriend: Nothing, I’m just screwing with you. Grow up. Just because it’s really dark and we’re alone and some dead guy’s voice is talking to us doesn’t mean anything. This happens all the time in the city.
…Creatures crawl in search of blood to terrorize your neighborhood…[/b]
Girlfriend: Are we gonna die?
…And whosoever shall be found without the soul for getting down must stand face the hounds of hell…
Boyfriend: Seems like it, yeah.
Girlfriend: Why are you trying to kill us?
I’m not going to kill you but I’d watch out.
Boyfriend: Hey, that’s not what’s supposed to come next.
You’re the first people that ever tried to talk to me. I’d talk more often if people would give me the time of day. It’s hard out here for Vincent Price’s narrative voice.
Boyfriend: Well, I guess that makes se-
[At an instant he drops down to his knees, clutching at his abdomen.]
Girlfriend: Oh my God! What’s wrong!!
Boyfriend: I….I think I’m….my intestines…
>=)
Girlfriend: You did this! Why!?
I didn’t do anything, I’m just a voice. By the way – And rot inside a corpse’s shell the foulest stench is in the air…
[The boyfriend begins to convulse when suddenly his chest rips open! His insides, mainly guts, are pushed away as something begins to burst out of his stomach! A head pokes through.]
Napoleon Weisgarber: Je'mappelle Napoleon bitch!
Girlfriend: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
[She quickly begins to run as fast as she possibly can as Napoleon climbs out of the now dead boyfriend’s stomach. He methodically walks after her as the smell of rotting corpse’s stenches the air.]
Told you.
[She realizes she’s by a graveyard and to her horror she stops and simply stares as King Kraig begins to make his way out of the ground, along with his zombie brethren.]
…The funk of forty thousand years and grizzly ghouls from every tomb are closing in to seal your doom…
[King Kraig and his fellow zombies begin to approach the woman as Napoleon comes up from the rear, cornering her. She’s frozen in fear.]
King Kraig: Yeah!
[He and his fellow zombies begin to stomp the yard and move with a rhythmic and impressive pace. Half extend their arms to the left, the other to the right, and both halves begin to move opposite of each other creating the greatest dance scene in the history of human existence.]
Napoleon Weisgarber: Zombie dance! Zombie dance!
[The zombies stomp their feet and shake their hips extending their arms as the woman now nods her head witnessing this impressive feat of life.]
…And through your fight to stay alive your body starts to shiver for no mere mortal can resist the evil of the thriller.
Girlfriend: Wait, what?
[Suddenly King Kraig pulls out an AK-47 and blasts the woman’s head clean off her shoulders. She’s dead.]
Napoleon Weisgarber: [Evil frog laugh]
King Kraig: Hahahahaha . . . they make it so easy.
[He turns and addresses us, the reader. He looks really mean and dead as puss comes out of his eye. Because of this we are scared. Really scared.]
King Kraig: It’s been a long time since I’ve made my last appearance in the confines of a WFWF wrestling ring. And guess who’s back? I’m here to inflict pain and suffering throughout the WFWF and everyone who tries to mess with me and my homeboy Napoleon Weisgarber.
Napoleon Weisgarber: Oui.
King Kraig: And I suppose the biggest question is who can stop me? Certainly not Thunder. That guy’s a grade A clown. I’d like to do nothing more than to destroy him, limb from limb and steal his Heavyweight championship. Then I’ll watch him cry with tears of THUNDER
Napoleon Weisgabrer: Pun!
King Kraig: As we take away everything he’s worked so hard to get. And who else can possibly stop us? Not EBR. That guy’s GAY. I hear he has sex with MEN. And he’s not even good at it!
Napoleon Weisgarber: The “E” in EBR stands for “Erectile Dysfunction”.
King Kraig: And Obo? I’ve seen periods that are more attractive than him.
Napoleon Weisgarber: Which is a fair comparison because they’re both always bleeding.
King Kraig: We’re unstoppable and unconquerable. We’ll molest Pierce Deville and as he’s wondering why his junk is getting fiddle with we’ll just laugh and say “because we can, Piercy!”.
Napoleon Weisgarber: Ahaha! But on a serious note pedophilia isn’t fun so don’t try it, guys.
King Kraig: Of course. And at the same time, this gets our High Horror reference out of the way. We cannot be controlled or tamed. These so called “owners” think they can place me in the same match as Yohan Turdler and the Revolting Blob? They must be crazy. You know, I’m going to go as far as to not try so the match ends up sucking! What do you have to say to that!
Napoleon Weisgarber: Mailing it in, baby!
King Kraig: Yohan Turdler eats too much sausage. What kind of man likes sausage anyways? It’s not that good.
Napoleon Weisgarber: It’s so-so.
King Kraig: And the Revolting Blob? You eat too much period.
Napoleon Weisgarber: Speaking of I ate that guy’s Triscuit crackers over there.You should have had some.
King Kraig: Maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.
Napoleon Weisgarber: My bad.
King Kraig: “My bad” doesn’t put the Triscuit crackers into my stomach now does it? But regardless, the WFWF will be shaken up. Especially, and most definitely at Superbrawl. I’ve seen what the main event is scheduled to be. That should be a good match…unless of course two people interfere and run a muck on things!
Napoleon Weisgarber: [Frog laugh] Do you people understand!
King Kraig: Probably not so I’ll make it clear; me and Napoleon are going to run-in and attack Thunder and EBR and ruin the main event! And when the entire WFWF comes out, soaking in tears and urine asking “why would you do such a thing?” I’ll look at them with a smile and reply “because I can!”.
Napoleon Weisgarber: And for THAT, I give two thumbs up!
King Kraig: Mwhahahahahahah!
[The scene fades.]
Boyfriend: That was a good movie.
Girlfriend: It was really good but not as good as “Click”.
Boyfriend: I agree. Say, what was the name of that movie we just saw? Keep in mind this is a totally illogical question because I saw it with you, but for the readers at home it would help if they knew.
Girlfriend: “One Missed Call”. It’s about someone that calls you then kills you. Sorta like “The Ring”.
Boyfriend: Actually, that sounds a lot like “The Ring”. But it was entertaining and chilling so I give it two thumbs up.
Girlfriend: Say, it sounds like you were almost reviewing this movie. That’s strange.
Boyfriend: It is.
[He stops.]
Boyfriend: It’s almost like I have this strange urge to review movies. Almost like something is taking over me.
Girlfriend: Oh my God!! I’m really scared…….I have the exact same urge!
Boyfriend: This is weird. Let’s get out of here. We can go home and you can [censored] my [censored].
[They continue to walk down the desolate road. It’s really creepy and dark. If you were here you’d be scared, no doubt. Suddenly, a narrative voice looms overhead.]
Darkness falls across the land, the midnight hour is close at hand…
Boyfriend: What the hell was that?
Girlfriend: Now I’m really scared!
Boyfriend: You should be.
Girlfriend: What’s that supposed to mean?
Boyfriend: I’m not like other guys.
Girlfriend: . . . What’s that supposed to mean?
Boyfriend: Nothing, I’m just screwing with you. Grow up. Just because it’s really dark and we’re alone and some dead guy’s voice is talking to us doesn’t mean anything. This happens all the time in the city.
…Creatures crawl in search of blood to terrorize your neighborhood…[/b]
Girlfriend: Are we gonna die?
…And whosoever shall be found without the soul for getting down must stand face the hounds of hell…
Boyfriend: Seems like it, yeah.
Girlfriend: Why are you trying to kill us?
I’m not going to kill you but I’d watch out.
Boyfriend: Hey, that’s not what’s supposed to come next.
You’re the first people that ever tried to talk to me. I’d talk more often if people would give me the time of day. It’s hard out here for Vincent Price’s narrative voice.
Boyfriend: Well, I guess that makes se-
[At an instant he drops down to his knees, clutching at his abdomen.]
Girlfriend: Oh my God! What’s wrong!!
Boyfriend: I….I think I’m….my intestines…
>=)
Girlfriend: You did this! Why!?
I didn’t do anything, I’m just a voice. By the way – And rot inside a corpse’s shell the foulest stench is in the air…
[The boyfriend begins to convulse when suddenly his chest rips open! His insides, mainly guts, are pushed away as something begins to burst out of his stomach! A head pokes through.]
Napoleon Weisgarber: Je'mappelle Napoleon bitch!
Girlfriend: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
[She quickly begins to run as fast as she possibly can as Napoleon climbs out of the now dead boyfriend’s stomach. He methodically walks after her as the smell of rotting corpse’s stenches the air.]
Told you.
[She realizes she’s by a graveyard and to her horror she stops and simply stares as King Kraig begins to make his way out of the ground, along with his zombie brethren.]
…The funk of forty thousand years and grizzly ghouls from every tomb are closing in to seal your doom…
[King Kraig and his fellow zombies begin to approach the woman as Napoleon comes up from the rear, cornering her. She’s frozen in fear.]
King Kraig: Yeah!
[He and his fellow zombies begin to stomp the yard and move with a rhythmic and impressive pace. Half extend their arms to the left, the other to the right, and both halves begin to move opposite of each other creating the greatest dance scene in the history of human existence.]
Napoleon Weisgarber: Zombie dance! Zombie dance!
[The zombies stomp their feet and shake their hips extending their arms as the woman now nods her head witnessing this impressive feat of life.]
…And through your fight to stay alive your body starts to shiver for no mere mortal can resist the evil of the thriller.
Girlfriend: Wait, what?
[Suddenly King Kraig pulls out an AK-47 and blasts the woman’s head clean off her shoulders. She’s dead.]
Napoleon Weisgarber: [Evil frog laugh]
King Kraig: Hahahahaha . . . they make it so easy.
[He turns and addresses us, the reader. He looks really mean and dead as puss comes out of his eye. Because of this we are scared. Really scared.]
King Kraig: It’s been a long time since I’ve made my last appearance in the confines of a WFWF wrestling ring. And guess who’s back? I’m here to inflict pain and suffering throughout the WFWF and everyone who tries to mess with me and my homeboy Napoleon Weisgarber.
Napoleon Weisgarber: Oui.
King Kraig: And I suppose the biggest question is who can stop me? Certainly not Thunder. That guy’s a grade A clown. I’d like to do nothing more than to destroy him, limb from limb and steal his Heavyweight championship. Then I’ll watch him cry with tears of THUNDER
Napoleon Weisgabrer: Pun!
King Kraig: As we take away everything he’s worked so hard to get. And who else can possibly stop us? Not EBR. That guy’s GAY. I hear he has sex with MEN. And he’s not even good at it!
Napoleon Weisgarber: The “E” in EBR stands for “Erectile Dysfunction”.
King Kraig: And Obo? I’ve seen periods that are more attractive than him.
Napoleon Weisgarber: Which is a fair comparison because they’re both always bleeding.
King Kraig: We’re unstoppable and unconquerable. We’ll molest Pierce Deville and as he’s wondering why his junk is getting fiddle with we’ll just laugh and say “because we can, Piercy!”.
Napoleon Weisgarber: Ahaha! But on a serious note pedophilia isn’t fun so don’t try it, guys.
King Kraig: Of course. And at the same time, this gets our High Horror reference out of the way. We cannot be controlled or tamed. These so called “owners” think they can place me in the same match as Yohan Turdler and the Revolting Blob? They must be crazy. You know, I’m going to go as far as to not try so the match ends up sucking! What do you have to say to that!
Napoleon Weisgarber: Mailing it in, baby!
King Kraig: Yohan Turdler eats too much sausage. What kind of man likes sausage anyways? It’s not that good.
Napoleon Weisgarber: It’s so-so.
King Kraig: And the Revolting Blob? You eat too much period.
Napoleon Weisgarber: Speaking of I ate that guy’s Triscuit crackers over there.You should have had some.
King Kraig: Maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.
Napoleon Weisgarber: My bad.
King Kraig: “My bad” doesn’t put the Triscuit crackers into my stomach now does it? But regardless, the WFWF will be shaken up. Especially, and most definitely at Superbrawl. I’ve seen what the main event is scheduled to be. That should be a good match…unless of course two people interfere and run a muck on things!
Napoleon Weisgarber: [Frog laugh] Do you people understand!
King Kraig: Probably not so I’ll make it clear; me and Napoleon are going to run-in and attack Thunder and EBR and ruin the main event! And when the entire WFWF comes out, soaking in tears and urine asking “why would you do such a thing?” I’ll look at them with a smile and reply “because I can!”.
Napoleon Weisgarber: And for THAT, I give two thumbs up!
King Kraig: Mwhahahahahahah!
[The scene fades.]
