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Post by c-scope on Apr 28, 2016 22:34:32 GMT -5
I Cant Worry About This Right Now Wolf is walking down the street wearing an unzipped grey hoodie with no shirt on underneath and the black sweats he wears in the ring when his phone rings.
Wolf: Hello.
Lenny: (on phone) Watch your ass kid!
Wolf: Huh? Bro we’ve been over this, I know whats going on im watc…
Lenny: You don’t get it! Raul isn’t Daves only guy now.
Wolf: He never was! Hes just the one assigned to take me out.
Lenny: Well, looks like your to good for just Raul, he’s got Rich Gordan on it now to.
Wolf: Never heard of him, he new?
Lenny: No, hes not new, hes the best.
Wolf: Im sure.
Lenny: Yeah he is! You remember Jordan Smith?
Wolf: Yeah, I remember when we used to run with him back in the day.
Lenny: Well, two years ago when he “overdosed”, he didn’t, he got on Daves bad side, so Rich took him out.
Wolf: Dude I cant worry about this, I’ve got match tonight and Bison’s pretty good.
Lenny: You don’t understand..
Wolf: No, you don’t understand! The event theyre planning to take me down at is a week away, my match is in four hours!
Lenny: Trev he knows you know…
Wolf: If he knew youd be dead.
Lenny: He doesn’t know im the one that told you, Listen you have to move now! He knows you know so Rich is gonna take you down as soon as he gets a chance.
Gun shots are fired from behind wolf, people start screaming and running in all directions, wolf pulls out the pistol Lenny gave him and turns around and points it at the man who fired he first two shots.
Wolf: Lenny, I, uh, I gotta go.
Shooter: Hello Trevor, or do you prefer Mr. Wolf?
Wolf: I prefer shut your damn mouth and tell me who you are.
Shooter: Little smart ass, Dave warned me about that.
Wolf: Dave huh? You must be Rich.
Shooter: Haha, yeah that’s one of my names.
Wolf: Well its good to meet you!
Rich(shooter): Well your pretty ballsy for somebody whos about to die.
Wolf: Hey man im just trying to be polite.
Rich: Oh, Mr. Wolf, weve met before.
Wolf: We have huh?
Rich: does the name Mark Wint sound familiar?
Wolf: yeah, hes the guy that I won the tag titles with in Daves company.
Rich gets a crooked grim om his face, wolf pulls back the hammer on the revolver pistol.
Wolf: You son of a bitch! You’ve been planning this for this long?
Rich: Yep, We won the belts,then we lost them, those matches were rigged. Dave knew you were a rebel, he knew he couldn’t break your spirit, so he set this up, then he told you he was gonna fix the world title match in your favor, then changed his mind, just to get you out of there, and get you away from him so when you died no one looked at him.
Wolf:Just been trying to gather as much information as you could huh?
Rich: Yep.
Wolf: Well, guess you didn’t earn enough. That’s right Rich,Ive been getting ready for something like this, and uh, its been more fun then I thought, so guess ill start my plan right now.
Wolf takes his sweat shirt off and throws it in Richs face, he runs into the nearest gas station, and grabs a lighter and throws a fifty dollar bill on the counter.
Wolf: (to cashier) Forty bucks on two keep the change.
Wolf runs out of the gas station onto the street and sees rich running at him and wolfruns over to a gas pump and throws the pistol across the street.
Wolf:come on Rich! You and me, one on one, no guns, or are you afraid?
Rich: Lets go little boy.
Rich throws his pistol over by wolves, he charges at wolf, wolf sprays him with the pump and draws a line on the ground and lights the lighter and drops it and lights Rich on fire. Just then Lenny pulls up into the parking lot.
Wolf: Guess Daves best guy wasn’t good enough.
Lenny: Don’t know how you pull this crap off kid.
Wolf Just that good I guess, well what’s your schedule like the next week?
Lenny: Not much, just making sure you don’t die.You?
Wolf: Eh, got a match in a few hours, then ive gotta go to that show with you next Saturday, and might take out a few more of Daves lackeys in the mean time, so not much. To be continued…. |
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Post by CM Poor on Apr 29, 2016 5:51:03 GMT -5
Oh, no...
...you've just crossed into a territory that so many rookies do that I'll never understand in all my years.
Trevor Wolfe is a performer on an internationally recognized television program.
His name is about as public as public can be.
And he just doused an unarmed man in about 20 gallons of gasoline and set him on fire.
The implications of that go beyond establishing Wolfe as a survivor in the face of certain death - I'm pretty sure setting a guy on fire would trump even the hardest self defense assertion in a court of law because it's pretty damn savage and malicious. Even in a best case scenario, he's still looking at a manslaughter charge at this point.
I honestly don't know where you feasibly go from here, which is a real bummer because you've always seemed to try and absorb criticism with a really positive attitude, but rps like this where the core subject kills or tries to kill another man just go way beyond the scope of reality.
My advice for future rps would be to try and calibrate the balance between Wolfe's life outside the ring and his focus in the ring, because this did next to nothing to further his stance in a wrestling organization. Someone reading this completely unaware of who Wolfe is wouldn't see the end game of him hoping to defeat Brandon Bison in a match at a pay-per-view. They'd see a guy on the run from some mysterious axe man who immolates others to keep himself alive for another day.
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Post by King Richius on Apr 29, 2016 6:09:15 GMT -5
My biggest problem with your RP is that a guy named Rich gets burned alive. I don't know why but I have a real problem with that. It couldn't have been a Phil or Jerry? It had to be Rich?
Other than that, I have to agree with what Ess said. It seems to be just a wee bit over the top to have your character burn a man alive in front of at least one witness and probably some closed circuit cameras recording it all.
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Cameron Stone
Main Eventer
Joined on: Jan 16, 2013 18:16:15 GMT -5
Posts: 2,014
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Post by Cameron Stone on Apr 29, 2016 6:10:31 GMT -5
Oh, no...
...you've just crossed into a territory that so many rookies do that I'll never understand in all my years.
Trevor Wolfe is a performer on an internationally recognized television program.
His name is about as public as public can be.
And he just doused an unarmed man in about 20 gallons of gasoline and set him on fire.The implications of that go beyond establishing Wolfe as a survivor in the face of certain death - I'm pretty sure setting a guy on fire would trump even the hardest self defense assertion in a court of law because it's pretty damn savage and malicious. Even in a best case scenario, he's still looking at a manslaughter charge at this point. I honestly don't know where you feasibly go from here, which is a real bummer because you've always seemed to try and absorb criticism with a really positive attitude, but rps like this where the core subject kills or tries to kill another man just go way beyond the scope of reality. My advice for future rps would be to try and calibrate the balance between Wolfe's life outside the ring and his focus in the ring, because this did next to nothing to further his stance in a wrestling organization. Someone reading this completely unaware of who Wolfe is wouldn't see the end game of him hoping to defeat Brandon Bison in a match at a pay-per-view. They'd see a guy on the run from some mysterious axe man who immolates others to keep himself alive for another day. I'll give some real thoughts on the RP sunday when I do my rounds, but thanks CM Poor for legitimately making me laugh for the first time in 48 hours, I needed that. |
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Post by c-scope on Apr 29, 2016 8:34:39 GMT -5
CM Poor you'll see where I'm going with it, I have a plan.
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Cameron Stone
Main Eventer
Joined on: Jan 16, 2013 18:16:15 GMT -5
Posts: 2,014
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Post by Cameron Stone on Apr 29, 2016 13:15:41 GMT -5
It did seem a bit too much. Also for a guy that's supposed to be the best, Rich didn't seem very impressive. Opening fire in public and not hitting his target. If you were going to go a route like this, a more quiet, personal encounter may have worked better. Or play up the public aspect as a reason the gun couldn't be used, felt really forced when he dropped it and said let's go boy.
My biggest beef with all of that being said, is there was absolutely no focus on the match. I came out of this knowing your character has a match with a guy named Bison. That's about it. No discussion on any strategy or concerns heading into it, nothing about what the match means to you, nothing. That I think is the biggest thing I take away from this.
There was an interesting idea here, but I feel like you went for too much, too quickly with it. That's my two cents.
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Post by c-scope on Apr 29, 2016 17:43:56 GMT -5
It did seem a bit too much. Also for a guy that's supposed to be the best, Rich didn't seem very impressive. Opening fire in public and not hitting his target. If you were going to go a route like this, a more quiet, personal encounter may have worked better. Or play up the public aspect as a reason the gun couldn't be used, felt really forced when he dropped it and said let's go boy. My biggest beef with all of that being said, is there was absolutely no focus on the match. I came out of this knowing your character has a match with a guy named Bison. That's about it. No discussion on any strategy or concerns heading into it, nothing about what the match means to you, nothing. That I think is the biggest thing I take away from this. There was an interesting idea here, but I feel like you went for too much, too quickly with it. That's my two cents. yeah i totally agree on the part about the match i got way to into the scene with rich. As for the scene with rich, like i said, ive got a plan, you'll see where I'm going in my next RP. |
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Post by Dex on Apr 29, 2016 18:59:08 GMT -5
I agree with the consensus on this piece. I do think that it is outrageous for a celebrity to be killing someone in public. I'm fine with your character killing people. But your character needs to be aware of maintaining his image in the public eye - and if he were to actually kill people, it would be hidden, to the extent that no one outside of the character would actually know. It would be simply something that we only know because we see through the eye's of the character, and we would not know in any other way. I don't think that the character is dead in the tracks here, but it is concerning. Real life celebrity sociopaths exist. I have no issue with it if it is handled well, but I think in this case it simply wasn't.
I did find the dialogue a bit strange at times. I didn't quite understand why an assassin would have a lengthy conversation with Wolfe, as if preparing for a 19th century duel. It seemed to me as if his goal was not to kill Wolfe. Wouldn't it make more sense if the assassin was hidden with a rifle, yet Wolfe had known that he was in the midst, rather than the two having a legitimate conversation?
You should re-read your piece before submitting it. Grammar is something that you should always try to be aware of. It's the simple things here - capitalizing the first word of a sentence, using the right than vs. then, etc. I'm certain that it'll improve as you keep writing, but it is always something that you should look over before pressing post.
Yeah I'll agree with the fact that you should have added more about Bison and the WFWF match. You can have a character do stuff outside of the ring and have other pressing stories, but it the WFWF just has to have a large role, it is the equivalent of the WWE. A WWE wrestler is constantly touring and training, so it should always be on the mind of the character.
Not a bad piece here Wolfe. You seem to take criticism well, and I can guarantee that your next piece will be a lot better. I am interested to see how you take the character from here.
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Post by c-scope on Apr 29, 2016 22:20:12 GMT -5
I never said I killed him.
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Post by Dex on Apr 30, 2016 6:42:47 GMT -5
I never said I killed him. As a reader, it is certainly implied. You can always end up doing something different in a future RP, but I'm basing my critique on my own interpretation - rather than your own. I'm interested to see where you go with this man, I'm not all that concerned, only a bit sceptical. |
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Post by c-scope on Apr 30, 2016 10:56:20 GMT -5
I never said I killed him. As a reader, it is certainly implied. You can always end up doing something different in a future RP, but I'm basing my critique on my own interpretation - rather than your own. I'm interested to see where you go with this man, I'm not all that concerned, only a bit sceptical. ok cool, because every one else just yelled at me. Lol |
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Post by bad guy™ on Apr 30, 2016 14:16:10 GMT -5
A bit of a step backwards compared to what you've been dishing out as of late. We've all pulled the "kill/pretend to kill" card at some point in our early writing so I won't chastise you the way others are. That being said, I'm curious how you get out of this. Can't ignore it, but this is one of the toughest corners to get out of once you've painted yourself into it.
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Post by c-scope on Apr 30, 2016 14:29:06 GMT -5
A bit of a step backwards compared to what you've been dishing out as of late. We've all pulled the "kill/pretend to kill" card at some point in our early writing so I won't chastise you the way others are. That being said, I'm curious how you get out of this. Can't ignore it, but this is one of the toughest corners to get out of once you've painted yourself into it. so, what your saying us your looking forward to my next RP? Good. |
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Post by bad guy™ on Apr 30, 2016 17:10:29 GMT -5
A bit of a step backwards compared to what you've been dishing out as of late. We've all pulled the "kill/pretend to kill" card at some point in our early writing so I won't chastise you the way others are. That being said, I'm curious how you get out of this. Can't ignore it, but this is one of the toughest corners to get out of once you've painted yourself into it. so, what your saying us your looking forward to my next RP? Good. I always do. But you don't have to use this kind of stuff to hook the reader in, let your writing do the trick, not to find out if Wolf murdered someone or not. |
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Post by jdfranchise on May 3, 2016 12:06:35 GMT -5
Ok so this was pretty good, overall a step up from your recent outputs. It seems like you have the basic formats down, though the grammatical stuff is still missing (capitalization, commas and apostrophes).
Listen, I like the story of Wolf being involved with shady promoters in the past, as it translates well to the story you'really doing now. The gas and fire bit is a little much, but I understand what it's designed for and that's the important part. I really like that you have decided to focus on dialogue first, because most vets love when you can develop a scene with it.
Overall, not much else to say. You've continued to accept the challenge and have worked hard. With this being the road to SuperBrawl you're poised to have everything come together at the right time. When you do, watch out.
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Post by Rated R on May 4, 2016 11:45:45 GMT -5
As someone who, when I first started out, had more than my fair share of crazy and ridiculous plot points to the point that I'd be embarrassed to go back and read them I'm going to hold judgment on the whole murder thing to see whether you can pull it around because it can be done. I mean I'm not doing too badly nowadays.
The writing itself isn't bad, it feels a bit rushed here and then, you could do with giving your description a bit more time to breath and obviously you've got to work more on tying things back to the WFWF and your match in future because that'll drag you down if you don't. Still, I'm intrigued as to what you do next which, for the time being, is a good thing.
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I dont know good luck 
