Black Hole Sun: Straight To The Top

[Sizzle]

Brandon Bison's Residence in Islamorada, Florida

Brandon Bison pulled up to his home in Hollywood, Florida in his silver Toyota Prius. He exited the car and noticed that his mailbox was open. Letters, bills, and a small box with something he ordered online, spilled out of the mailbox. He walked over to it and picked up the mail. Brandon entered his house and threw the letters onto his living room table. He grabbed a knife and started slicing letters open.  

Brandon (In his head): Bills and junk…

He reached the last two envelopes. He cut open one with the knife and took the papers out. It was from his father’s workplace in Baltimore. 

“Sorry to bring you bad news today, Mr. Bison, but this is important. On April 23, 2016, your father, Raymond Bison, passed away. He died from cardiac arrest in his small home in Baltimore, Maryland.” 

Brandon looked away from the letter and stared out the window. Emotions were running wild in his mind. He was enthralled by a terrible sadness he had never felt before. Tears began to drip down his cheeks. He had never kept up with his father after he left, but in this moment he felt like he should have. He wiped the tears off his cheek. 

Brandon walked over to his bedroom and jumped onto his bed. He flipped the TV on to Trevor Wolf’s match against Lucas Crowe. He tried to watch the match and study Trevor’s technique like he did with every opponent, but his mind kept drifting away to the night that changed his life. He pictured the scene: him and his parents in a room pervaded with the cacophony of quarrel. Suddenly, everything went dark. 

He woke up slowly, but quickly jumped out of bed and ran to his living room. Brandon grabbed the last envelope on the table and ripped it open. It was from an address in Maryland, like the previous letter had been. He began to read it. 

“Dear Brandon,  

It’s me, Uncle Mark; you may remember me from our training a few years ago. I’ve been wanting to talk to you and see you in person for a while now, so I’m finally asking. I have something important to tell you, and I want to tell you face to face. Please think about it, I know I haven’t been involved in your life for a long time, but do think about coming up here and seeing your uncle. 

Sincerely,  

Uncle Mark Bison 

P.S: I’ve seen you on WFWF. Keep up the good work.”  

Brandon: I didn't expect a letter from Uncle Mark at all... Wonder what exactly he would want.

Brandon started gathering up clothes to pack up. He planned to head to Maryland immediately after Black Hole Sun ended.

... 

Brandon: It’s nice to meet you in the ring again Trevor. What have you been up to lately? Oh? Losing at every show you’ve wrestled since your debut in WFWF? You would think a guy that’s always lying on his back every time the ref counts to three would be the show opener, or wrestling before the show even starts… Apparently that’s not how things work around here, though. ‘Nah, let’s put the loser in the main event’ is what the guys who run this place must be thinking. I must be doing something wrong...

Trevor, I didn’t come here so I can kiss ass to get to the top, I came here so I can whoop ass and get to the top. I bust my ass out there every match I’m in, and because I don’t ride a f***ing veteran all the way to the main event, I struggle. ‘Next big thing!’ and ‘The future!’ they all say when I’m out there in the ring busting my ass. But it’s going to be pretty hard to be the next wrestling phenomenon when there are untalented hacks like you kissing all of the higher-ups ass for a shot up top...  

Trevor, I don't need any more problems in my life, and with the passing of my dad, there are much more important things to deal with instead of you...

I went my whole life hating my dad. A memory hammered into my brain made me dislike my father more and more every day. Until just the other day when I read that he had passed away. It made me feel like I was dirt, a piece of trash because I hated him forever and now that he’s gone I forgave him. I regret all of it, all the hate I had for him, and I wish I never did cut my ties with him. 

But there’s one thing I don’t regret. That’s coming to WFWF to live my dream, and even though it’s something my dad didn’t want me to do, I’m proud I did it. And hopefully, he looks down on me and realizes I made the right choice. 

[Sizzle]

Other than his monologue, Brandon Bison is talking to himself in his mind.

[CM Poor]

I think this was rushed - it feels very disjointed and empty. Generally, with a PPV rp, your better bet would be to take a cliff hanger like the letter from Uncle Mark and run with it. That would be your real opportunity to set something in motion, but with so little going in to begin with and so little there to sink our teeth into, it doesn't really snare the reader into wanting to come back to see what the hell is going on.

Also, Brandon's father apparently works for the most cold blooded organization on the face of the Earth. Sh*t, kid's dad died - think we should call him? Nah, send a postcard. He'll get the news eventually.

[Dex]

Not even a call? That's sincerely heartless, Bison's father must have been an out-sourced janitor. Joking, but it certainly read that way. I think the death of Bison's father was somewhat lackluster. We simply do not know the relationship that they share. You introduced a character and immediately killed him, with the presumption that the audience can easily relate - but in an instance where their relationship is not traditional, it falls flat. You have to make us care about your characters and make us care about Bison emotionally. The monologue at the end was pretty decent, I dig the line "Trevor, I didn’t come here so I can kiss ass to get to the top, I came here so I can whoop ass and get to the top."

This feels pretty bare-bones for a large event, I agree with Brennan about how you should have explored more and took more risks. I do think that you have a lot of potential, and you seem to have the basics of RP'ing down, it's just a matter of exploration and honing your craft.

[Cameron Stone]

I echo their remarks on the death angle. Too rushed and not handled well. On the flip side the monologue bit at the end was solid enough. There is at least a good attempt here to focus on your opponent and the match. Didn't work as well with him immediately trying to watch tape after learning his dad had died. Nobody would do that. A better way to handle that could have been him throwing Wolf's match on, and opening his mail a ls he watched it, so that it just became background noise after learning about his father.

I think it would have helped too to have the Uncle phone instead of mailing a letter. Would have added a bit of variety to the scene and also allowed you to express some of Bison's thoughts a bit better.

I look forward to what is next from you.

[jdfranchise]

The guys covered my talking points, though I disagree with them in the father death bit. I think a passing mention of the death was a good idea, but where's the followup? That's what hurt it for me personally. I think even taking a chance and putting some sort of a small scene in there would've had much more effect. I do think you did set a nice hook and if you're able to see it, you have something to play on.

Overall, it's a down effort but it doesn't change the fact that I feel you are one of the brightest prospects here.

[Rated R]

This basically felt like the first scene of a much longer part. What a lot of new and growing guys don't grasp is the idea of satisfying the reader. Sure you're telling a story but at the end of the day you're trying to write something that satisfies the people who take the time out to read it and this wasn't very satisfying at all. You had an interesting set up with the death of the father, though again, you should have chosen a better way of introducing it, but where's the payoff to this big emotional moment? There wasn't any, and that leaves a reader feeling cold and unsatisfied. Sure, it's great when each RP builds on top of the last and leads to the next, but they should still have their own self contained point of closure that makes a reader feel like the time spent reading was worth doing.