Black Hole Sun RP

[Deleted]

Jeff and Frank are shown walking through the woods again this time not nearly as lost. As they get closer to Wilbur Richardson's camp they seem to become more and more nervous. They both know that they are in store for something wild once they do get to his camp.



Jeff: Man I don't like walking around in these woods.



Frank: Any idea why they sent us out here again?



Jeff: Word is he requested to speak with only the two of us.



Frank: I hope we don't have to chop fire wood again. That was pretty draining last time.



Jeff: Yeah surely he doesn't want us to do anything like that. Anyway shut up before he hears us!



The two men finally arrive at camp Richardson to see him preparing fishing supplies.



Jeff: Mr. Richardson how are you doing today?



Richardson: Pretty good. Grab that tackle box we have some things to do today.



Frank: I take it you want us to go fishing with you today?



Richardson: Yep. Grab those fishin poles.



Frank: Are we not going to talk about your debut match in which you were successful.



Richardson: I told you I would win. That's about all your going to get outta me about it.



Jeff: That was a pretty impressive win Mr. Richardson.



Richardson: Just call me Wilbur. Stop with all this nonsense about mister.



The three men head off down a trail with all of the fishing supplies and finally come to a small pond.



Richardson: I've been fishin around these parts ever since I was a kid. We'll eat good tonight boys. Y'all ever been fishin before?



Frank: I haven't went fishing at all since I was a kid.



Jeff. I haven't ever been fishing before so this is a totally new experience for me.



Richardson: Good lord. You boys have no experience in anything except city folk stuff. Get them poles I'll teach you both how to bait a hook.



The men grab the fishing poles and Richardson baits both hooks for them showing them how he did it each time.



The three men start fishing and continue to fish for several hours until it starts getting dark. There is an awkward silence throughout the entire day and they each catch several fish. Finally Richardson is ready to go back to camp where they clean the fish and he begins preparing meals for all three of them. The silence goes on throughout all of that until finally as they are eating dinner Frank and Jeff begin talking to Richardson again in hopes of getting his comments on the upcoming tag team match that he has been placed in.



Jeff: So it would be a wasted trip Wilbur if we didn't get some sort of comment on your upcoming tag team match and how you feel about it.



Frank: Yeah we need to discuss how you feel about having a partner and how you feel about the other team.



Richardson: Why do you boys always have to ruin a good time? Can't you just eat and enjoy the day?



Frank: We're not trying to ruin the day. It's just that the match is soon and we need to get some sort of comments on it before it happens Wilbur.



Richardson: I feel sorry for everyone involved except for me. I don't know much about the guys I'm wrestling against and I don't need no damn doctor for a tag team partner. If I were the other three men in the match I would be careful crossing me because I don't want to be there. I ain't helping anyone and I don't plan on losing. It pisses me off that anyone would even think I would want to do something like this. That doctor guy bothers me and the other two have another thing coming if they think they're leavin that show as winners. I will go to the top and I will teach the people in this company what being a man is about. There ain't one person in this company that could live or do the things the way I do and I have no remorse for anything that happens at that show. Now eat your damn dinner and enjoy the afternoon.



Frank: Damn.



Jeff: Well I guess that about sums up how you feel about wrestling at the pay per view.



Richardson: Yep.



The men continue to eat, and after they are done Frank and Jeff thank Richardson for the fishing trip and head back out of the woods to report back to WFWF what they learned from Richardson today. Both men seemed to feel more comfortable as they got the sense that Richardson is finally warming up to the idea of WFWF sending the same two men out to talk to him each time.

[CM Poor]

I like your character, and I like your overall approach. I think you could get some mileage out of Frank and Jeff's visits with Wilbur, so long as you can stave off the nuances that will make it sort of repetitive. There were a few trips here where the dialogue came off as clunky, but overall, I feel like you have a good voice for your character. Going forward, I'd like to learn a bit more about why he's here, what he hopes to gain, what drives him in the ring, etc. You have a really unique concept here - now I'd like to see it tied in to the fact that it is still a wrestling program at the end of the day.

[Deleted]

Apr 28, 2016 21:10:20 GMT -5 CM Poor said:

I like your character, and I like your overall approach. I think you could get some mileage out of Frank and Jeff's visits with Wilbur, so long as you can stave off the nuances that will make it sort of repetitive. There were a few trips here where the dialogue came off as clunky, but overall, I feel like you have a good voice for your character. Going forward, I'd like to learn a bit more about why he's here, what he hopes to gain, what drives him in the ring, etc. You have a really unique concept here - now I'd like to see it tied in to the fact that it is still a wrestling program at the end of the day.

Thanks for the feedback. I wasn't really sure what I was going for here honestly. I definitely couldn't get satisfied with it as this was the second piece I wrote.

[Cameron Stone]

Apr 28, 2016 21:10:20 GMT -5 CM Poor said:

I like your character, and I like your overall approach. I think you could get some mileage out of Frank and Jeff's visits with Wilbur, so long as you can stave off the nuances that will make it sort of repetitive. There were a few trips here where the dialogue came off as clunky, but overall, I feel like you have a good voice for your character. Going forward, I'd like to learn a bit more about why he's here, what he hopes to gain, what drives him in the ring, etc. You have a really unique concept here - now I'd like to see it tied in to the fact that it is still a wrestling program at the end of the day.

Pretty much hits the nail on the head with what I was thinking. The trips out provide a fun backdrop, just take care to not overdo it with them and let it get redundant. We will need to start seeing what he takes away from these meetings and what is learned. Seeing that growth could be fun and engaging.

Remember, it's easy to say "I don't care about my opponents". But if you can do a bit of research into who the opponents are and give reasons why you don't care, it will add an entirely different level of depth. You touched on that in regards to your partner mentioning the doctor stuff. Do that for opponents as well.

I look forward to more man, good stuff

[Deleted]

Apr 30, 2016 17:45:30 GMT -5 Cameron Stone said:

Apr 28, 2016 21:10:20 GMT -5 CM Poor said:

I like your character, and I like your overall approach. I think you could get some mileage out of Frank and Jeff's visits with Wilbur, so long as you can stave off the nuances that will make it sort of repetitive. There were a few trips here where the dialogue came off as clunky, but overall, I feel like you have a good voice for your character. Going forward, I'd like to learn a bit more about why he's here, what he hopes to gain, what drives him in the ring, etc. You have a really unique concept here - now I'd like to see it tied in to the fact that it is still a wrestling program at the end of the day.

Pretty much hits the nail on the head with what I was thinking. The trips out provide a fun backdrop, just take care to not overdo it with them and let it get redundant. We will need to start seeing what he takes away from these meetings and what is learned. Seeing that growth could be fun and engaging.

Remember, it's easy to say "I don't care about my opponents". But if you can do a bit of research into who the opponents are and give reasons why you don't care, it will add an entirely different level of depth. You touched on that in regards to your partner mentioning the doctor stuff. Do that for opponents as well.

I look forward to more man, good stuff

Awesome. Thanks man.

[eljefe]

I would say my biggest thing...which is also my biggest problem...is the dialogue. Give the other two a personality, otherwise they sound like really bad interviewers. But that's really it. Your character sounds like he has a personality and a voice.

Basically, what everyone above said.

[Deleted]

Apr 30, 2016 22:57:47 GMT -5 eljefe said:

I would say my biggest thing...which is also my biggest problem...is the dialogue. Give the other two a personality, otherwise they sound like really bad interviewers. But that's really it. Your character sounds like he has a personality and a voice.

Basically, what everyone above said.

I was mainly just rushing through this one because I hated the first one. My next one should be better.

[Rated R]

I think the biggest problem you've got is that this is going to get repetitive fast if this is all that happens. I've got no problem with the setup, but you have to have a bit more than just "guys go up, do something outdoors, says a little something about the match, guys leave". It doesn't add a whole lot to the character. The good news is that the setup can still work with a bit of tweaking, you just need to develop it and flesh it out a bit, show us that there's more to Wilbur than just the basics. Nail that down and you'll be taking a step in the right direction.

[jdfranchise]

The guys covered my talking points, but the consensus here seems to be that Wilbur is a character with a lot of upside due to his country boy setup. I like that you already have a pretty cool personality with the character. As you make tweaks and add more dimensions, I hope you keep that personality in tact because it is a nice change up from the type of characters we normally get.

Not much else to say on my end.

[Mr. PerpetuaLynch Motion]

I thought for sure Wilbur was going to drown the two guys when they went out fishing. Don't ask me why I thought that.

I enjoy your character quite a bit and I like that he seems to be more preoccupied with living his humble life off the grid. I feel like there are so many damn good ideas that this could branch off of especially considering Wilbur is going to be a television superstar, not necessarily something he would be interested in but something that would make it that much harder to live in his solitude especially if someone gets hold of those two interviewer fellows and they squeal as to the whereabouts of his abode.

I do hope you can evolve the character in an interesting way because while I've enjoyed your first two matches, I do see Trace's point that if this is all that ever happens then it's a schtick that doesn't really have that long of legs to stand on for too terribly wrong. I ran into the same thing when I debuted Reo Speedwagon. He was a fun character but I had literally two RP's worth of ideas to run off. So that would be my biggest suggestion, have an idea of where you want to take things from here.