Black Hole Sun: The Beginning

[Deleted]

The Ballad of “Bulletproof” Bobby Hall 

*the following is a brief moment that Bobby’s guardian angel shares to itself* 

“For years I have watched my grandson from afar. I understand many more things now – things that he even knows exist. He will stumble upon these things over time. I love you, kid.”



Bobby will start by typing his thoughts. Which is something he has recently taken interest in. He has a drinking problem. 
Any qouted remarks are by the doctor. Unqouted is Bobby. Bracketed bold is the narrator. 





    It’s about a quarter till 6 on a rainy Wednesday morning in Memphis. As I sit here and type this, I feel the effects of the whiskey that I’ve already had four swigs of. It’s stiff. Just like the way I work my matches. But… ya know what? I don’t work matches. I wrestle.



[ Bobby walks outside disgruntled. He has already started drinking. As the rain pours on Sorrow Street in Memphis, Bobby fires up a joint. As he stands and inhales, he is struck by a blunt force to the back of the head. As Bobby lays bleeding, the rain continues to pour. Welcome to the streets of Memphis ]



First Person- Where in the f*ck am I at? Let me out of here!



[ An irate Bobby is pissed off and confused. The nurses and doctors are trying to calm him, but he isn’t having any of that. Bobby yells to them that he has his debut match in the WFWF the next day. He is supposed to be en route to the city lucky enough to host his debut. Or so he believes in his own mind. Bobby is a complete lunatic. He is a man with practically no family. His mother died when he was an infant. He never knew his father. He had no siblings nor any cousins to speak of. He was lonely as a child but for a short, short time he was able to build a relationship with his grandfather. His grandfather taught him the love of the sport of professional wrestling. They would watch together as often as they could and attend any wrestling show within a hundred mile radius. The day Bobby’s grandfather passed away, Bobby made a promise to him that he would become the greatest professional wrestler that ever lived and better than any to be born.

Bobby set out to become a legend. ]


First Person – What am I doing here?


The doctor replies, “You were struck on the head with something.” No sh*t Dr. Sherlock! I would’ve answered my own damn question if I wanted to know the obvious! The doctor replies, “I see that, sir. You were brought in by an elderly lady that had to drag you into her car. She is likely the only reason we were able to save you. We have her name if you’d like. You are okay to go. You have been out for a couple of days, however you are okay to return home. We have some clothes if you’d like. I have written you a prescription for something for pain as well as dizziness. No physical activity of any kind for at least 6 weeks and no alcohol consumption and you will be back to your regular schedule in no time.” Hahahaha… yeah right, doc! 6 weeks? I’m a wrestler. I don’t take days off. The doctor replies, “I understand that, as you mentioned during an awakening that you were debuting in the WFWF. My son is a big wrestling fan. I will certainly tell him I saved a wrestler’s life. What is your na…” I WILL MAKE MY DEBUT!!! The doctor replies, “I cannot make you do anything but I can advise you against it. You are free to leave as you please, no rush . ” Hey Doc!! What’d they hit me with? The doctor replies, “A gun.” You know why the didn’t shoot me? “No.” The doctor replied. Because I’m Bulletproof.



[ So….”Bulletproof” was saved by an old lady and he doesn’t even care. All he can focus on is his match. His opponent or opponents are clearly at an advantage and the lights aren’t even turned on. However, he didn’t get the nickname “Bulletproof” for no reason. It was earned and given to him by the creatures of the night, so to speak. Let’s put it this way… You didn’t want to be hanging out with Bobby at any point in time. Trouble. Drugs. Alcohol. Women. Crime. That’s what Bobby did. He was a bad seed. Or was he? He knew love at a point with his grandfather. He quickly became cold after his passing however, yet continued to pursue his wrestling dream. In a few short hours, Bobby will be throwing his bag in his ride and firing up a cigarette and he starts up his engine and hits the black top for a highway to the Black Hole Sun. Boys….you can’t bring a gun to a Bulletproof fight. ]

[Dex]

This wasn't perfect, but I liked it for a first go around. The monologue here was solid and likely the best thing about the piece. My biggest gripe here is that you tell me far too much information. As a writer you have to know when to withhold information, and when to slowly present information to keep your reader on the edge of their seat. You could have shown a scene with Bobby and his grandfather, you could have shown Bobby drunk out of his mind doing something stupid. To me, the ability to know when to withhold and show information is what defines a great writer from a good one.

This is an interesting character. You should read around here and read some of the top guy's RP's. I'm looking forward to your next go.

[Deleted]

Apr 29, 2016 19:38:38 GMT -5 Dex said:

This wasn't perfect, but I liked it for a first go around. The monologue here was solid and likely the best thing about the piece. My biggest gripe here is that you tell me far too much information. As a writer you have to know when to withhold information, and when to slowly present information to keep your reader on the edge of their seat. You could have shown a scene with Bobby and his grandfather, you could have shown Bobby drunk out of his mind doing something stupid. To me, the ability to know when to withhold and show information is what defines a great writer from a good one.

This is an interesting character. You should read around here and read some of the top guy's RP's. I'm looking forward to your next go.

I appreciate the feedback! I will take your advice and apply going forward

[Cameron Stone]

This one was mile a minute hitting fast and hard. Not always the best choice early on in a character, but you showed some foundations to build upon. I got a good sense of his general attitude. You'll have to play with that a bit, as that could be tough to develop long-term. Seems like the type of character who doesn't listen to anything, so I am interested in seeing where you take him. Kind of made me think of Mr. T from Rocky III a bit haha.

I feel like after another couple of RPs it will be easier to get a larger grasp on your character, both for you as writer and for readers

[eljefe]

I thought that this was funny, which I don't mind in any way. It did seem like a lot was going on at once, and I really don't know how I feel about that. Either way, my biggest gripe was just to make your formatting a little bit clearer. Makes it easier to read.

Excited to see what you come up with in the future!

[CM Poor]

This was confusing, to say the very least. Short of the exposé offered in the narrative, it didn't do much to tell the reader all that much in the way of who your character is. I'm not at all opposed to narrative development, but here, it felt more like bullet pointed, rather run of the mill background stuff.

As for the hit - I feel like the payoff was substantially minimal. Everything that happened here - the hit, the hospital, the doctor - all felt like it was in place for the Bulletproof name drop by the end of the scene. In the meantime, someone who hasn't looked at the card has no idea who you're facing, why you're fired up about it, or why you're going to win.

I don't mean to be the resident Negative Ned, but there's a lot of opportunity for improvement here so that your story is a bit more than just a bunch of stuff that happens.

[Deleted]

This was my first RP so I wasn't expecting perfection and I was very much looking forward to you guys' feedback. I appreciate all the feedback and I can already see where I need to improve. I wasn't near as careful about this one as I should've been. I was nervous, to say the least, but it is out of the way and going forward I have a lot better foundation to work off of. I also haven't written hardly anything of substance in years so I'm trying to break back into my writings. Any more feedback is certainly welcome and greatly appreciated!

[Rated R]

Yeah this wasn't bad, but I agree with Brennan that it was confusing, he nailed most of what I would say but let's talk about pacing and structure. There was a lot of stuff being thrown about in a really short space without giving it any time to breath. Pacing is important to letting the reader take in information but also when it comes to actually understanding what's happening. Let a situation play out naturally and even though the scene will be longer it'll always play out better than if you'd rushed through it.

It's good to see you've got a good attitude about criticism though, that goes a long way not only to improving and it's what everyone wants to see. Good to have you on board.

[Deleted]

May 3, 2016 9:58:56 GMT -5 Rated R said:

Yeah this wasn't bad, but I agree with Brennan that it was confusing, he nailed most of what I would say but let's talk about pacing and structure. There was a lot of stuff being thrown about in a really short space without giving it any time to breath. Pacing is important to letting the reader take in information but also when it comes to actually understanding what's happening. Let a situation play out naturally and even though the scene will be longer it'll always play out better than if you'd rushed through it.

It's good to see you've got a good attitude about criticism though, that goes a long way not only to improving and it's what everyone wants to see. Good to have you on board.

Thanks a lot man, I was expecting the criticism to be constructive and you guys have definitely helped me out. I'm even more excited about the next one

[jdfranchise]

May 3, 2016 9:58:56 GMT -5 Rated R said:

Yeah this wasn't bad, but I agree with Brennan that it was confusing, he nailed most of what I would say but let's talk about pacing and structure. There was a lot of stuff being thrown about in a really short space without giving it any time to breath. Pacing is important to letting the reader take in information but also when it comes to actually understanding what's happening. Let a situation play out naturally and even though the scene will be longer it'll always play out better than if you'd rushed through it.

It's good to see you've got a good attitude about criticism though, that goes a long way not only to improving and it's what everyone wants to see. Good to have you on board.

Trace pretty well covered my talking points bro, but I want to kind of add on his advice about pacing. That is usually a tough thing to master, so don't worry about not getting it off the bat. What hurt your scene to me was the entire dialogue in the scene being bunched into one huge block. By separating speakers, you're able to find distinctive voices between each character. It'll also go a long way in pacing the scene out, which goes a long way in developing the main character. That's when you're in the money.

But I will say I'm glad to see that you're very open to suggestion and critiques. That good attitude will take you far.

[Deleted]

May 3, 2016 15:17:26 GMT -5 jdfranchise said:

May 3, 2016 9:58:56 GMT -5 Rated R said:

Yeah this wasn't bad, but I agree with Brennan that it was confusing, he nailed most of what I would say but let's talk about pacing and structure. There was a lot of stuff being thrown about in a really short space without giving it any time to breath. Pacing is important to letting the reader take in information but also when it comes to actually understanding what's happening. Let a situation play out naturally and even though the scene will be longer it'll always play out better than if you'd rushed through it.

It's good to see you've got a good attitude about criticism though, that goes a long way not only to improving and it's what everyone wants to see. Good to have you on board.

Trace pretty well covered my talking points bro, but I want to kind of add on his advice about pacing. That is usually a tough thing to master, so don't worry about not getting it off the bat. What hurt your scene to me was the entire dialogue in the scene being bunched into one huge block. By separating speakers, you're able to find distinctive voices between each character. It'll also go a long way in pacing the scene out, which goes a long way in developing the main character. That's when you're in the money.

But I will say I'm glad to see that you're very open to suggestion and critiques. That good attitude will take you far.

Thanks man. I'm going to do the color coded names on the next RP. Something I should've taken the time to do, to really clean it up. I'm also going to try to focus on a certain event that happened prior to the events in this RP. I'll try that to fill in a few of the big gaps I have in this one lol. Thanks for your advice. Any and all is appreciated