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Post by Dex on Apr 24, 2016 13:58:23 GMT -5
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Post by Dex on Apr 24, 2016 14:04:46 GMT -5
I had fun writing this piece. I tried to take the criticism of my last piece and apply it. (Albeit, I didn't expect the piece to be this long) There's a lot I need to get through before I can really get to the main basis of what I have brewing. Anyways, thanks for the read. I would appreciate any comment.
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Post by CM Poor: DeepFigureValue on Apr 27, 2016 11:22:22 GMT -5
Changed my mind.
This was written ably and with at least some consideration for the criticisms you received last time. Gone are most of the words you clearly didn't have a firm grasp on the meaning of, and only a few instances of silly introspective narrative that come off only sort of Wiseauish.
That being said...
...a long standing issue I've had with Dex is that you've never really seemed to go along for more than a couple of rps without some jarring changes to the character's overall voice that make it impossible for me to really perceive him as a fleshed out character with motivations and fears. Instead, he comes off as a sort of generalized avatar for your own general perceptions of the mood here, the ups and downs of the fed and your own successes, and what is working and what isn't. As someone who has made that mistake in writing here before, I'll be the first to tell you it doesn't work.
I had a weird sort of sense reading this that I'd already read it before. There's a fine line, to me, between drawing influence and copping. Without getting into too many specifics for the sake of keeping this relatively vitriol-free, there are places here that very heavy handedly read far too similar to various individual storyline threads that are being written for various characters in the fed either currently or very recently. It's not m intention to level accusations, so without going any further, my advice would be that if that's at all intention, knock it off. If it's not, and it's just the single most bizarre coincidence in recent WFWF memory, then try and be mindful of what your peers are writing so as to not come off as some cheap knockoff.
There are phases here that aren't believable to me. I don't buy Dex's benders - they've come off in your two most recent rps as being written by someone whose familiarity with intoxication is limited to their own mediums of entertainment. I tell just about everyone whose unfamiliarity with various walks of life shows through their writing - anyone whose lived that even once is gonna see right through it, whether it's the death of a loved one, a battle with substance, or a journey into counseling. You want to tread lightly writing something you're not entirely familiar with.
Conversely, you write a crazed, aimless, dreamer of a girl rather concerningly well. Been there, done that.
If I could give you one final piece of advice, it's that you're doing yourself your own disservice in continuing to harp on the Malakai and World Title thing. It's defining you, and as long as you keep bringing it up, you're always going to be the paper champion that had no business getting handed the title that got handed the title and lost it in one in your first and only defense. Walk away from that - there are characteristics, and then there are crutches. You might find that in disregarding that, you find yourself with precious little to write about. Work around it. Develop your character. Give him a voice. Give him a purpose. Pretty words and long rps don't mean a world of squat if there's no substance to enjoy.
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Post by Dex on Apr 27, 2016 15:44:22 GMT -5
Changed my mind. This was written ably and with at least some consideration for the criticisms you received last time. Gone are most of the words you clearly didn't have a firm grasp on the meaning of, and only a few instances of silly introspective narrative that come off only sort of Wiseauish. That being said... ...a long standing issue I've had with Dex is that you've never really seemed to go along for more than a couple of rps without some jarring changes to the character's overall voice that make it impossible for me to really perceive him as a fleshed out character with motivations and fears. Instead, he comes off as a sort of generalized avatar for your own general perceptions of the mood here, the ups and downs of the fed and your own successes, and what is working and what isn't. As someone who has made that mistake in writing here before, I'll be the first to tell you it doesn't work. I had a weird sort of sense reading this that I'd already read it before. There's a fine line, to me, between drawing influence and copping. Without getting into too many specifics for the sake of keeping this relatively vitriol-free, there are places here that very heavy handedly read far too similar to various individual storyline threads that are being written for various characters in the fed either currently or very recently. It's not m intention to level accusations, so without going any further, my advice would be that if that's at all intention, knock it off. If it's not, and it's just the single most bizarre coincidence in recent WFWF memory, then try and be mindful of what your peers are writing so as to not come off as some cheap knockoff. There are phases here that aren't believable to me. I don't buy Dex's benders - they've come off in your two most recent rps as being written by someone whose familiarity with intoxication is limited to their own mediums of entertainment. I tell just about everyone whose unfamiliarity with various walks of life shows through their writing - anyone whose lived that even once is gonna see right through it, whether it's the death of a loved one, a battle with substance, or a journey into counseling. You want to tread lightly writing something you're not entirely familiar with. Conversely, you write a crazed, aimless, dreamer of a girl rather concerningly well. Been there, done that. If I could give you one final piece of advice, it's that you're doing yourself your own disservice in continuing to harp on the Malakai and World Title thing. It's defining you, and as long as you keep bringing it up, you're always going to be the paper champion that had no business getting handed the title that got handed the title and lost it in one in your first and only defense. Walk away from that - there are characteristics, and then there are crutches. You might find that in disregarding that, you find yourself with precious little to write about. Work around it. Develop your character. Give him a voice. Give him a purpose. Pretty words and long rps don't mean a world of squat if there's no substance to enjoy. Thanks for the reply I really appreciate it.
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eljefe
Superstar
Joined on: Oct 2, 2010 17:39:35 GMT -5
Posts: 733
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Post by eljefe on Apr 30, 2016 22:47:55 GMT -5
I liked this a good amount. It was really cool to see the differences between Dexter and Dex. I really liked that dichotomy. It is interesting to read how your character deals with his past and his inner voices.
This is coming from someone who isn't super familiar with your writing. One thing that I think may help is to make your character like you. That's one thing that Shawn has always commented on Nitta was that it was "little Asian version of" me. For me, that helps with making me RPs feel more real. Because they are. Cam's struggles with depression, loss, fear...they are all mine. It's how I deal with them. Now, that doesn't mean that to write a sad character you have to have a sad life. But, if you are going to have a character...BE that character. I wrote a character very not like me, and he was literally murdered.
That said, I really like your character. This was good, man. Maybe take a few minutes before you start writing to really get focused on being your character. Then your RPs might be easier to write and will allow you to develop that character you have inside.
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Cameron Stone
Main Eventer
Joined on: Jan 16, 2013 18:16:15 GMT -5
Posts: 2,014
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Post by Cameron Stone on May 2, 2016 23:56:01 GMT -5
Don't have much to really say on this, as I've honestly not read much of your stuff, the whole Malakai/Title situation just really caused me to lose interest in this place for a while in general at the time, and your character in particular. So I don't really have much in the way of criticism or praise, since I don't have a firm grip of who your character is yet. Though as both Nitta and SYE mentioned that seems like maybe that's a thing in general. I do want to point out that it does feel a bit difficult to really get an opinion on Dex from this piece. It does almost like you don't know exactly who you want him to be at this point, but if that's the case, there could be done interesting things coming as you discover that.
I don't mean to throw negativity out there or insults, because honestly you are a far better writer than I am. But I did feel like this one dragged a bit. It felt like it was longer than it needed to be. The beginning was great the monologue at the end was great, but I was losing interest in the middle.
Onto the positive spin again. You killed it on the monologue. Put down your opponent really well. I liked how his RP kind of put himself down too, and showed how determined he was to crawl back up to that high level by beating you. Gives the match a good story that to me cones out as Nitta being desperate to show he can back to a high level while Dex is really cocky and doesn't really pay too much heed to Nitta, and almost views this match as below him. I'm really interested to see who wins, and what directions you both can go after the result.
Sorry if I came across as a dick in this reply, definitely wasn't my intention, reread before posting and sounds a bit harsh. I think I just find myself separate from your character, and its hard for me to get invested in him.
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Post by Rated R on May 4, 2016 20:16:57 GMT -5
I thought this was better than your last piece for sure, the writing style felt a lot less wordy and flowed better as a result. I do agree with Brennan about treading carefully when it comes to writing things you don't know personally. As someone who has witnessed the death of a family member, in the exact manner you wrote about here, and who has had more experience than most with drink, and the rest, I have to say I didn't buy it at all here, because that just isn't how the mind reacts in situations like that. It felt too detached from any real emotion to really hit me and trust me if I don't get some kind of reaction from stuff like this given experience then you know that you've got to go back to the drawing board. I'm not saying don't write about it, because if we only ever wrote about exactly what we've experienced then most people wouldn't write at all, but do some research and really think about the effect that has on a person long term. Hell if you want to incorporate it and are struggling then shoot me a message, I've never been shy about talking about my experience if it helps someone out.
Again, much better than your last showing, I enjoyed a lot of the dialogue and I feel like there's stuff here that if you develop on properly then you could hit the sweet spot for what you want to do with the character moving forward, so good work overall and keep on at it.
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Post by jdfranchise on May 4, 2016 20:51:09 GMT -5
Trace kinda covered on my talking points, especially the part about being wordy for wordiness sake. That's always been a problem I've had a problem with overall in your writing, trying to add big words on when they aren't needed and it disrupting the flow. I think you scaled it back pretty good here. I don't have a lot to say in regards to the content, but I do agree if you're going to write things a character does that you aren't personally familiar with, then make sure you get the right information or make that a small background part of your scene to compensate for that lack of experience. I know it's something I struggled with in my teens when I wrote my character and I didn't really get it right until I got some life experience.
Overall, it is a step up from your previous efforts. I think you have some stuff that you can build on and make a sweet niche for yourself. I do agree that something that you should also start to distance yourself from is the title/Malakai story, or at least find a way to put a different spin on it. But it's good to see you continuing to work hard man.
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