KingSlayer
Mid-Carder
Joined on: Nov 30, 2015 23:00:33 GMT -5
Posts: 231 
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Post by KingSlayer on Apr 13, 2016 1:16:20 GMT -5
The Last Hope - A Soliliquy. Black Hole Sun RP
Vass "The Slayer"
One of the few joys of my seldom joyful life is the morning. I am woken by the vibrant shades of red and yellow that seem to light up the rotten floor of the church. I've been staying here for almost a year, it's different than anywhere else I've stayed; be it for days or months. Bypassers look to the hill and wonder what happened to the church that peacefully sits atop. A once jubilant and holy place, now abandoned. It's the same look I was given when I held a sign and a cup on the frozen streets of downtown Calgary.
I sit up and look to the pane of stained glass. It reminds me of the church I would go to when I was a kid. Those days are long gone. Out of my pocket I pull a crumpled piece of paper and unfold it. It's the program for Black Hole Sun.
"The last hope." I whisper to myself.
The last hope for a life worth living. When I first started living on the streets I would dream of living in a house with a white picket fence and a garden out back. That hope has since diminished. After a while, your dreams sort of die out and you accept the reality in which you live.
I take another glance at the paper. I'm not just doing it for the paycheck. I've always had a passion for wrestling. I remember when my dad used to take me backstage to meet the other wrestlers. Every night I would dream of entering the arena to the roar of the crowd. Dad used to always say there's nothing else like it.
"For Dad."
I sometimes wonder if there's a heaven, and if Jen and dad are watching me from the clouds. They say you don't know what you have until it's gone, and I couldn't agree more. Growing up, I would fight with Jen about petty dissagreements, not knowing how much she meant to me. Well how much could an annoying little sister mean to me anyways? Jen has always been a driving force in my life over the years. Everything I do, is for her.
"For Jen." I tighten a rope around my arm and pick up a syringe. "And for a better life."
The needle pierces my skin as the brown tar enters my bloodstream. I lie back and fall into a trance.
"The last hope."
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Post by CM Poor on Apr 13, 2016 7:23:37 GMT -5
This is really well written. As a vignette to introduce your character to the WFWF, it's perfect. You establish right off the bat the types of things a lot of people miss when they're introducing a character - already, we know this guy's lot in life, that he's seen some sh*t, what his driving motivations are, and that's an excellent foundation upon which you should be able to start building something special here.
There's really only one big beginner miss here that you'll want to be mindful of going forward. The biggest detraction here is that while you've written what I would deem a perfect introductory vignette with characterization that could rival some of the more tenured guys here, you did minimal service to the match, which should, at its heart, be the "point" of your RP, for lack of a better word. Your RP is what wins and loses matches for you, and so you want to make sure that a good chunk of it focuses on your match, your opponent, the psychology going into it. The good news is that you've clearly put some thought into who this character is, so framing something in that mindset, I think, is going to come really easy to you going forward.
Really though, for what this is, it's great. If you take the above and apply it going forward, you'll quickly be a force to be reckoned with here. Be mindful that you have something like two weeks to get your RP in this time around. Posting early hasn't hurt you at all, but going forward, you can definitely make use of the writing period to really knock something out of the park. I'm really interested in seeing what you've got next for us.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 13, 2016 11:57:41 GMT -5
Brennan pretty much covered my talking points bro, but what I want to commend you for is your word choices (a favorite of a lot of tenured guys here). One thing that seperates writers from each other is correctly using different words to describe adjectives or verbs (jovial instead of happy, for example). As an English teacher irl, I try to emphasize that to my students and it's a process that takes time to perfect. You did that here and it shows me you have put alot of thought into this vignette. Just remember to talk about your match or relate it back to the match somehow and you're in good shape. I'm positive that you'll utilize the whole writing period moving forward, and because of that, I'm intrigued to see what you do next.
Welcome man.
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KingSlayer
Mid-Carder
Joined on: Nov 30, 2015 23:00:33 GMT -5
Posts: 231
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Post by KingSlayer on Apr 13, 2016 12:21:21 GMT -5
Thank you guys, It means a lot. And for the tips too.
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Post by King Richius on Apr 13, 2016 16:12:01 GMT -5
Short, sweet, and to the point. Really got across the desperation of your character.
One big thumbs down for me though: the drug use. I'm older and have a bit of experience in that area. I lost a friend to heroin in college. We tried to help but were too late and he OD'd.
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KingSlayer
Mid-Carder
Joined on: Nov 30, 2015 23:00:33 GMT -5
Posts: 231
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Post by KingSlayer on Apr 13, 2016 16:35:44 GMT -5
Short, sweet, and to the point. Really got across the desperation of your character. One big thumbs down for me though: the drug use. I'm older and have a bit of experience in that area. I lost a friend to heroin in college. We tried to help but were too late and he OD'd. I was really debating it, but that's where the concept for the character came from. I have some history too, not personal use though. I know how it affects people. Without giving away too much, I have an entire character development plan which includes him dropping the drugs. It's a nice pull at the heartstrings I think, even if it is a little dark. Stay tuned for the evolution of The Slayer. |
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Post by CM Poor on Apr 14, 2016 16:23:54 GMT -5
Short, sweet, and to the point. Really got across the desperation of your character. One big thumbs down for me though: the drug use. I'm older and have a bit of experience in that area. I lost a friend to heroin in college. We tried to help but were too late and he OD'd. I feel like it's only fair to give you a trigger warning - WFWF is a veritable drug den. |
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 14, 2016 17:09:35 GMT -5
Short, sweet, and to the point. Really got across the desperation of your character. One big thumbs down for me though: the drug use. I'm older and have a bit of experience in that area. I lost a friend to heroin in college. We tried to help but were too late and he OD'd. I feel like it's only fair to give you a trigger warning - WFWF is a veritable drug den. TRUTH! Yeah, even the most clean cut of characters dabble in some form of drug. Maybe you can use that for Vass as you continue to develop him. Food for thought. |
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Post by King Richius on Apr 14, 2016 17:18:15 GMT -5
Short, sweet, and to the point. Really got across the desperation of your character. One big thumbs down for me though: the drug use. I'm older and have a bit of experience in that area. I lost a friend to heroin in college. We tried to help but were too late and he OD'd. I feel like it's only fair to give you a trigger warning - WFWF is a veritable drug den. It's specifically the heroin that brings back bad memories for me. I'm not put off by a little recreational drug use. I'm actually waiting for PA to move forward with medicinal marijuana because I qualify  |
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KingSlayer
Mid-Carder
Joined on: Nov 30, 2015 23:00:33 GMT -5
Posts: 231
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Post by KingSlayer on Apr 14, 2016 18:09:33 GMT -5
The thing with Vass is, he's a good person, but is hooked. He never meant to, in fact he hates himself for it. The character is battling personal demons. As previously stated, Vass' character development is planned out almost completely.
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Post by King Richius on Apr 14, 2016 18:22:52 GMT -5
The thing with Vass is, he's a good person, but is hooked. He never meant to, in fact he hates himself for it. The character is battling personal demons. As previously stated, Vass' character development is planned out almost completely. I'm all for a good story, especially one of redemption. I'll rescind the thumbs down and enjoy the ride. I probably over-reacted a little because of the personal connection. On that note, can we all consider this particular side conversation ended so there is no derailing of actual critiques and other fun stuff? |
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KingSlayer
Mid-Carder
Joined on: Nov 30, 2015 23:00:33 GMT -5
Posts: 231
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Post by KingSlayer on Apr 14, 2016 18:27:47 GMT -5
The thing with Vass is, he's a good person, but is hooked. He never meant to, in fact he hates himself for it. The character is battling personal demons. As previously stated, Vass' character development is planned out almost completely. I'm all for a good story, especially one of redemption. I'll rescind the thumbs down and enjoy the ride. I probably over-reacted a little because of the personal connection. On that note, can we all consider this particular side conversation ended so there is no derailing of actual critiques and other fun stuff? Yeah I wasn't trying to bash you, I was just explaining. You didn't overreact, don't worry about it. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2016 0:47:08 GMT -5
Considering what you've said regarding character development, I've pretty eager to see that come to fruition as you get the chance to have more matches. I'm very much an 'as we go' writer instead of thinking 5-8 pages ahead like a lot of people here, so for someone apparently new at this to be so prepared beforehand is exciting as a reader, writer, potential future opponent and current partner. Like the more in tune critiques here, it was perfect in regards to an introductory RP as you don't seem to have typical beginner struggles outside of the easy to forgive (at first) lack of focusing your RP around the match though it wasn't completely ignored as you tied in where Vass is wrestling, but in the future, you can have your narrative around your character be what it is but at the end of the day, he's a wrestler and he'll probably be interested in the match in some fashion. So showing that interest is also important.
Another slight nitpick would be formatting, which again, as a beginner e-fed participant is forgivable. If you keep up with the first-person narrative in the future, You distinguished between Vass' internal thought and acting as narrator to his surroundings (and dialog) but it still seemed too similar particularly the first two; the color feels too neutral and for me makes everything blend together.
And of course, don't be afraid of length. You don't need to make every RP your best attempt at making an epic novel (nor should you feel like if you go up against someone who can write at length you need to match them unless you're eager for the challenge) but if you can consistently deliver at least 2-4K as well as this, you'll be someone to look forward to and maybe even fear a little down the line.
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Cameron Stone
Main Eventer
Joined on: Jan 16, 2013 18:16:15 GMT -5
Posts: 2,014
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Post by Cameron Stone on Apr 29, 2016 13:55:03 GMT -5
As others have said, good introductory piece. They hit the nail on the head with the bit about connecting it to your match a bit more, but great foundation here. Love that you have a story and character arc set right off the bat.
You actually from Calgary ooc, or just your character? Either way it's cool, I'm from Calgary IRL and so is my character, so as long as you don't end up a hardcore heel there could be some potential for a crossover scene in an RP in the future if you're interested. I always love collaboration scenes with other writers. It can give each person something totally new to work off of, and add a nice pop to things. If that sounds like something you'd be interested in, send me a PM, we can discuss it.
Good work with this one. Shows real potential.
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Post by Rated R on May 3, 2016 10:57:22 GMT -5
I can't say much more than what's already been said. It was a good introductory piece and with some focus on your match could have been great. Still that's the kind of thing you learn to incorporate as you grow as a writer here. You've got an interesting, developed and flawed character with a lot of potential story wise, so if you can tie that back into the fed a bit more in future then you could move up the card pretty quickly. Good job.
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Post by Mr. PerpetuaLynch Motion on May 10, 2016 23:24:31 GMT -5
As an introductory vignette it was quite well written in my estimation. I can't really add anything further that others haven't touched on. I look forward to seeing you evolve this character, good stuff.
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KingSlayer
Mid-Carder
Joined on: Nov 30, 2015 23:00:33 GMT -5
Posts: 231
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Post by KingSlayer on May 11, 2016 18:31:35 GMT -5
As others have said, good introductory piece. They hit the nail on the head with the bit about connecting it to your match a bit more, but great foundation here. Love that you have a story and character arc set right off the bat. You actually from Calgary ooc, or just your character? Either way it's cool, I'm from Calgary IRL and so is my character, so as long as you don't end up a hardcore heel there could be some potential for a crossover scene in an RP in the future if you're interested. I always love collaboration scenes with other writers. It can give each person something totally new to work off of, and add a nice pop to things. If that sounds like something you'd be interested in, send me a PM, we can discuss it. Good work with this one. Shows real potential. Thanks very much! And yes I am from Calgary. I would love to collab with you, i'll Pm you soon about it. |
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I dont know good luck 
