Dark Matter RP

[Deleted]

Two men are bumbling through the woods clearly lost while one is carrying a camera and a backpack full of equipment, and the other is carrying a tray of coffees from a local coffee shop. The men are arguing and know they are lost, but they were sent by WFWF officials to try and learn more about the newest superstar Wilbur Richardson.



Frank: Jeff just put the coffee down and help me find this Willie guy



Jeff: I'm not putting the coffee down. You saw how much I paid for it. Plus we have got to be getting somewhere near this guy.



Frank: It's going to get cold. We are never going to find this guy. Who lives this far off into the woods anyway?



Jeff: I have no....



Interrupting both men a deer falls onto the ground in front of them.



Both Men: WHAT THE IS THAT!



Richardson: Who the are you boys?



Jeff: Uh we're from WFWF, and we were sent out here to ask you a few questions sir.



Richardson: I ain't no sir, and I won't be answering any questions today, now drop that crap and grab my dinner and follow me.



Frank: I told you not to bring the coffee Jeff.



The three men walk for what seems like an eternity to both of the city boys from WFWF, but after about ten minutes they finally arrive at Wilbur's camp site. They find that he has built his own cabin, and that there is no running water or electricity. There is an area with logs for sitting, and a fire pit in the middle of it. As well as a tree that looks to have been being chopped for fire wood off to the side with an ax beside it. Richardson takes his things into the cabin, and comes out to speak with the men from WFWF.



Richardson: Either of you boys eat deer meat? I'll have it skinned up in a few minutes and we can start dinner. In the mean time one of you is going to finish cutting fire wood, and the other is going to the creek down there to get us some drinking water. Unless you're both fine with some moonshine I made.



Frank: I'll take some moonshine! I haven't ever had any deer.



Jeff: Yes sir the moonshine is fine and I've only had deer meat once as a kid.



Richardson: Well if you must ask away the things you wanna know while you work.



Both men take a swig of the moonshine from what looks to be a really old mason jar, while Richardson chain smokes and starts hacking away at the deer he killed earlier. Frank makes Jeff start cutting wood as they agree to take turns at it while they try and find out some things about Richardson.



Jeff(while cutting wood): So Mr. Richardson what brings you to WFWF?



Richardson: I always liked wrestling as a kid, and I gotta pay for my cigarettes somehow. Corn don't come cheap either and I use it in my whiskey.



Jeff: Do you have any wrestling background?



Richardson: That ain't really any of your business boy. I bet I can kick anyone's ass you put in front of me.



Richardson seems very agitated and Frank and Jeff switch places and Frank starts cutting some wood while Jeff loads what he cut into the fire pit.



Richardson: Lets get the fire going and I'll cook us some deer steak. Open that can of beans boy and put them in that skillet over there.



Frank: So beans and deer steak. Is that how you eat every night?



Richardson: Yep. It keeps the body strong.



Frank: You know you have a match coming up at the PPV, are you doing any preparing for it?


Richardson: You're looking at the way I prepare for things boy. None of them other wrestlers could even come close to living the way I live. They don't belong out here or in a ring with me.



Frank: You seem pretty confident. Are you sure you're up to the challenge?



Richardson: You two are starting to piss me off. You'll see what the hell I can do at the pay per view, and you need not be worrying about it now. If you want the damn dinner just shut up so we can eat.



With the fire going Richardson prepares three three steaks, three potatoes, and some beans and they all eat and share the moonshine throughout dinner barely talking. Once done Richardson opens up a little about as much as you would expect based on the conversations from earlier.



Richardson: I'm glad you boys came out here. The thing is these boys in the match coming up are gonna to learn a tough lesson. They're gonna learn how to be a real man, and I'm gonna be the one that teaches them them skills. I'm getting tired of seeing men dressed in spandex and acting like ladies. It's time for me to show everyone what a man looks like and how a man acts now you boys learned some things today, and you had a good meal. Things don't get much better than that. Now if you don't mind I'm gonna get some rest, and the two of you can find your way out of here on your own like you came.



The two mean realize it is now dark, and both seem more than upset as they gather their belongings so that they can leave.

[CM Poor]

Haha! I love it. I always get optimistic when we get a real "character" around here. So many of us write the serious side of things and balk a bit when something like this comes around, forgetting that it's wrestling and sometimes that means colorful, vibrant characters.

Overall, I think you have a solid foundation here. The dialogue wasn't too weak, and you painted a pretty good scene without going overboard. For a first piece, it isn't bad at all. I'd have liked to have seen a bit more mention of you opponents, over the sort of passing lip service you gave them as a collective, but overall, not a bad first outing.

[Deleted]

Mar 25, 2016 16:12:20 GMT -5 CM Poor said:

Haha! I love it. I always get optimistic when we get a real "character" around here. So many of us write the serious side of things and balk a bit when something like this comes around, forgetting that it's wrestling and sometimes that means colorful, vibrant characters.

Overall, I think you have a solid foundation here. The dialogue wasn't too weak, and you painted a pretty good scene without going overboard. For a first piece, it isn't bad at all. I'd have liked to have seen a bit more mention of you opponents, over the sort of passing lip service you gave them as a collective, but overall, not a bad first outing.

Thanks man.

[Rated R]

Yeah this was really solid for a debut piece, giving us a fine understanding of the character, putting some context around why he's here and doing it in an interesting way rather than the paint by numbers stuff we often get from debuts. I'm with Brennan in that I'm a fan of a good character, especially when the writing itself is as good as the character is interesting, and you've certainly got the potential to hit that point. Good showing.

[Mr. PerpetuaLynch Motion]

I quite enjoyed this as a debut piece. You seem to have a really good grasp on writing dialogue and that's a pretty important building block to have going forward. Really solid effort!

[Dex]

I'm probably the most adamant about the use of humor on here, and humor in literature as well, I very rarely find it intriguing. This was actually well done. It came off as charming, but not forcefully so. The dialogue in this piece was quite decent. The dialogue was not that cliche. It is clear that there are segments from the 'out-doorsy' 'southern man' trope, but it feels grounded in reality, and is arguably based on truth. Always be aware of your dialogue and the potential of it teetering into a cliche. You did not do it here, which was good to see, just be aware.

I like how you decided to start the RP, not from the character's perspective, but from the perspective of other people. It is something that is rarely done here, and when done well, it can add an interesting layer of separation from the author and the character.

For what is was, this piece established all that you needed to for your first RP. We don't necessarily know the character but you've provided us with enough details that we are able to infer of just who exactly he is. You mentioned the match just enough to make it prominent. Your dialogue was solid for a new writer. Read some RPs from guys who have been here for a while, and try experimenting. Good debut.

[jdfranchise]

The guys hit most of my talking points, and already you'very shown to have a solid foundation. The presentation is a bit rough, but it's an easy fix with repition. I like the Wilber character, very out of the box type and that's good because we have so many guys that run a super serious character. I think you have more things to Wilber, and maybe the plan is to peel away those layers one at a time. Only you know that. But I like that you are providing us with a nice change of pace.

Just keep taking advice and using it to work on filling this character's potential out.

[Deleted]

Thanks for the feedback and support guys.

I've spent the last 4 years writing paper after paper for school so I tend to get lost in stuff. I know I'll become more long winded as time goes on, and I've got a ton of stuff in store for this character as well.