Post by badteacher on Sept 7, 2015 11:17:28 GMT -5
"Why did I have to believe he'd change?"
"Well that's one of the things that makes Trace so dangerous hun." Penny says as she strokes my hair. "You never know which side he's playing."
"Why cost us the match though?" I say, staring blankly at the back wall of our locker room. "It doesn't make any sense."
"You're thinking about it too hard, Nikki." She says, continuing to rub my head. "How much have you slept in the past week?"
"Not much since the trip to Macon."
"There's your problem."
"My problem?" I ask while sitting up. "What do you mean?"
"Not like that hun." Penny says as she leans back. "I mean that your head isn't in the game right now."
"Obviously."
"Nikki, I don't know if you've noticed but that's kind of dangerous, considering who's made you their target."
"You know, Trace said something to me when he bailed me out that I can't quite get over."
"What?"
"That no one in SOS understands how good I am, and my reason for fighting." I say, tying my hair up in a bun. "That's the short version of it anyway."
"Yet somehow he knows you better?"
"Well there is his daughter."
"Trace doesn't strike me as a very good parent." Penny says before reaching over for her Hawaiian Punch. "But then again, I've really only seen the side that was strictly business."
"If it's true that he wants to make his daughter proud, then I respect that."
"Don't tell me he went there."
"He did, but it made sense."
For all I know, Trace brought family into the equation to get me to lower my defenses. If so, well played on his part. A sickening feeling overtakes me, one of shame and disgust. Despite Josh's best advice on Trace Demon, I chose to believe there was another side to the man and it left me vulnerable to his attack. I forgot how strange the feeling was and why I'm glad I've spent all these years rebuilding myself after Dustin nearly broke my spirit by playing Drake against me.
Among the things that litter my bag, my National Title is front and center. I was hoping to give it some company tonight, but Trace had other ideas. With all of my distractions, I've neglected my old friend just like my children. I missed Hunter's first steps and words. How can I be happy with my success when my children are forced to watch it from a distance?
"I think I should consider stepping away."
"Nikki don't say that."
"These past few months have really taken a toll on me, physically and emotionally." I say, looking around the locker room. "It's funny, making that walk to the ring tonight I thought about everything but what I should've. That's no way to be."
"Is everything ok at home? Penny asks before finishing her drink. "I know you've got the custody battle going on, but outside of that."
"Josh and I have grown apart because of everything that's been against us."
"Hun I know he loves you, but right now Josh's going into something he has to face alone." Penny says, standing up with the empty can in her hand. "And it's hard watching someone you care about shut themselves off to succeed."
"Scarlett?"
"Yeah, but I understood that she was the only one who could control the outcome."
Penny pauses, throwing her can in the trash.
"Listen, go home and spend time with the kids." She says, hugging my neck tightly. "If you still feel this way when you get back in the ring, then maybe you should think about stepping away.
******
Controversy.
That seems to be the word I've heard over and over again for most of my tenure here in WFWF. Everything I've accomplished has been called into question, from both of my National Title wins all the way through this run in the Tag Team Title Tournament. I made peace a long time ago with knowing there would be doubters, and I'd like to think they've come to appreciate the surprise that came with my rise.
I have to admit though, it's becoming more difficult to take pride in what I do. I've long considered myself a mother and wife before an athlete and somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that balance in my life because I became so consumed with proving my worth to the masses. I wanted to prove to those people who said I'd be better suited in the kitchen instead of a wrestling ring that I could do both and excel.
Now I've realized that maybe it's not meant for me to do both, but that's ok. What I've proven is that I am a world class wrestler, because I take as much pride in my craft as my kids. Remember that Lucas, simply because I have something you want and you're one of the people who trash my accomplishments behind closed doors. How little me, the unassuming little princess has been gifted with the easiest route to a championship. That's all good and well to throw stones at me, bit I'll take the high road for a second in saying that I hope you understand I'm impressed with you Lucas. Your size, intensity, and brawling style make you a dangerous new puzzle that I look forward to solving. But take away those obvious advantages and there isn't much else to Lennie Small.
Poor guy never had a chance, and neither do you.
So take your mind off how shiny my belt looks or this infatuation of wanting to pet a delicate object, because that's how people end up missing teeth. I have no problem being considered an underdog, in fact my stature almost guarentees it when I stand across from behemoths like you. You, who gets along without using your brain and every last bit of your heart like I have can't understand that I have to be tougher with a beauty queen's grace to get any sort of respect around here. But it's men like you that I have the most fun beating because I'm not those party girls you had to protect when you used to work as a bouncer. I am a world class athlete that was trained by the best wrestlers on the planet, one of which already beat you.
The other is the next WFWF World Heavyweight Champion, as if the situation wasn't already complicated enough. Right Drakz?
Things like this is why I joined my husband in the fight for WFWF's future, because if I'm going to be a representative of this company as one of its champions I need to know the people lining up to challenge me are worthy. So how are you, a man who is only here to do the bidding of a WFWF star from years past, in any position to take a crack at my hard earned championship when you eventually take it? Because you won a battle royal of men are still trying to find themselves? Let me put this in perspective for you, I won my National Title by winning possibly the most confounded tournament format possible, had it stripped because I broke my arm in a non title match that I was easily winning, came back seven months later from a life threatening condition and didn't miss a beat.
How did I top that?
By regaining what I never lost, against the longest reigning National Champion in company history in a match that clearly favored him. In what was considered the best ladder match this company ever had, and certainly the best one since Phillip Schneider and Hutton Brown made the climb over this same belt you covet. But because of me, Ante changed his way of thinking and used it to beat Michael Kyzer cleanly, something a very select few can say.
If word association and name dropping doesn't tell the story, then when we land in Denver I'll make sure you're reminded that George pulled the trigger on big Lennie because he cared.
I want to see you succeed Lucas, but your time isn't now. Hopefully Justin will help you realize that before I do.
****
Dean Residence
Atlanta, Georgia
9/1/15
"I know losing's hard Nikki..."
"Just stop Dad." I say, leaning forward on my elbows. "I've felt this way since I won the title again."
"Is it because of the tournament?"
"Well to be honest, I really didn't want to do the tournament in the first place." I say, pushing off the bar as I stand. "I guess I'll have to show you."
"Show me what?"
"Follow me."
"You're confusing me Nikki, and it's pretty obvious you're not thinking very clearly." Dad says before tugging my arm. "Will you slow down for a second and tell me what's wrong?"
"Just come with me." I urge him. "I have to show you something."
"Ok." He says with a sigh as he follows me. "I'm sure you have your reasons."
The feeling I told Penny about in Tokyo hasn't went away. Actually, it's gotten worse every time I look at Drake. The bruising around his eye has faded in the past couple weeks since the incident in Macon. Maybe if I would've missed the pay per view, I would feel a lot better about my choice to go back to wrestling. Time in jail gave me the chance to really assess whether this career choice is really worth it anymore. Knowing how much Josh loves wrestling again, I can't bring myself to tell him that I'm considering this because his passion of the sport is already on a thin line.
As we walk into the bedroom, I grab our last family photo. It was taken right after I won the National Title the first time. I hand it over to my dad and point to a specific spot while he studies it.
"Look at Drake's smile dad."
"He seems happy, although he's cheesing it up for the camera."
"I know that smile anywhere, and it's not joy."
"How do you know for sure?"
"Because it's the same smile I used to give when I was a kid." I say, drawing a line over his squinted eyes. "The one where you grin and bear doing something you don't want to do. Like my senior pictures were totally fake."
"Hey, I spent good money on those."
"I know and that's why I did them." I say, sitting the picture back down. "I don't like seeing Drake that way."
"Do you think it could be because he's not used to you being gone all the time?"
"I think he thought that I'd do it for a short time then get homesick." I say before sitting down on my bed. "It's easier for him when it's just Josh out of town than when it's both of us."
"Well that's because there's a certain separation with Josh." Dad says, joining me on the edge of my bed. "While I know Drake is fond of him, that's still his step daddy. It's not the same kind of love he has for you."
"You know picking him up from Dustin's was the first time I really ever felt guilty for choosing to wrestle."
"I see."
"What happened to him could've been been prevented."
"No it couldn't because at the end of the day, he still had visitation rights." He says, lowering his head for a second. "You know when you were rehabbing your elbow and I told you to think about the kind of example you were setting for Drake?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, that was different than where you're sitting now." He says, taking my hand. "If you want to walk away now, you're well within your rights to do so."
I still have a habit of looking for validation in everyone except the ones whose opinion really counts. And it's not to say my dad doesn't have a point, because he always does. The problem is that where I am with my job, there is a commitment that comes with it. Who would've thought that I had to choose, and I can feel a tear start to fall as Dad wipes it from my cheek. I remember what Penny said and for some reason it helps calm me. Even though she lives hard and works harder, Penny has always reminded me that this is a job and nothing else.
"I wouldn't much be much good to anyone if I have a nervous breakdown."
"That Trace fella may be a lot of things, but he was right about one thing he said to you." Dad says, looking in my tear filled eyes. "You have something much more important in your life."
*****
I can hear the rumors, and there is a bit of truth behind them. I am considering the options and what would be better for my children. I hate the fact that when I look at our family photo, I see Drake putting on his brave face because Mommy has been travelling the world chasing a dream and isn't around. I never wanted him to feel the way he does, yet it's happened and I'm just glad I found out before he started running with the wrong crowd as a way of coping. All it would take is a teenage version of Trace Demon telling Drake that I abandoned him to create a rift between myself and my son that I can't repair.
I think it's easy to see why I've been torn on these options, but the world keeps spinning and I have to take my burdens to the ring once again. I love wrestling and I'm very good at it, one of the best in the world in fact. But it's never defined who I am as a person. However, my children and what they become exposed to during their formative years is a direct reflection on me. If you and Amy decide to have children one day Jack, take these words of advice with you. You only get one shot not to permanently scar them, hoping all the while that something sinks in.
That's pressure, which is why wrestling has always come easy to me I guess. I know that several people in the locker room can't stand seeing a woman regularly showing up men, but maybe those people need to look in the mirror at what they're doing wrong. Right Jack? For almost four months, you've had the right to face me in your back pocket, and I've been very open about accepting the challenge. I want to face you Jack because of your reputation as a skilled wrestler. But I showed in Japan you didn't want to face me, but instead hid behind Jayson Garrett. The same guy who elsewhere had a great rivalry with Trace Demon is afraid to fight a five foot, one hundred thirty pound woman for a title in the only promotion he hasn't dominated?
It shouldn't make sense, yet it does to me. See I represent fighting Amy to you. If you win, you look bad because I am a woman. The fairer sex, frail and helpless. You should be able to beat me. But when you lose, you look bad because I am a woman.
You're in a bad situation Jack, and you're taking me with you because I look bad as a champion when the title isn't defended. I've had this title for a while now, yet I have to go back to before my broken arm to find a successful defense. I want to fix that Jack, but you're holding up the line by doing absolutely nothing. If you want to add days onto my reign, by all means do it. All you're doing is getting me closer to breaking a record that has an asterisk beside it anyway.
I'm getting tired of waiting for your opportune moment Jack, so much so that I'm considering giving your partner in Colorado his shot, because I know he'll take it. I'm finding it harder to justify being away from my children when I have very little to do here. Sure I can always settle my business with our old friend, but my obligations still get slighted. I am not going to be a champion that breaks a record by not defending my title. I guess the parent in me is going to have lead you by the hand if it means we can all resume our lives.
So make a decision Jack, before I do the best thing for all of us and make it for you.
"Well that's one of the things that makes Trace so dangerous hun." Penny says as she strokes my hair. "You never know which side he's playing."
"Why cost us the match though?" I say, staring blankly at the back wall of our locker room. "It doesn't make any sense."
"You're thinking about it too hard, Nikki." She says, continuing to rub my head. "How much have you slept in the past week?"
"Not much since the trip to Macon."
"There's your problem."
"My problem?" I ask while sitting up. "What do you mean?"
"Not like that hun." Penny says as she leans back. "I mean that your head isn't in the game right now."
"Obviously."
"Nikki, I don't know if you've noticed but that's kind of dangerous, considering who's made you their target."
"You know, Trace said something to me when he bailed me out that I can't quite get over."
"What?"
"That no one in SOS understands how good I am, and my reason for fighting." I say, tying my hair up in a bun. "That's the short version of it anyway."
"Yet somehow he knows you better?"
"Well there is his daughter."
"Trace doesn't strike me as a very good parent." Penny says before reaching over for her Hawaiian Punch. "But then again, I've really only seen the side that was strictly business."
"If it's true that he wants to make his daughter proud, then I respect that."
"Don't tell me he went there."
"He did, but it made sense."
For all I know, Trace brought family into the equation to get me to lower my defenses. If so, well played on his part. A sickening feeling overtakes me, one of shame and disgust. Despite Josh's best advice on Trace Demon, I chose to believe there was another side to the man and it left me vulnerable to his attack. I forgot how strange the feeling was and why I'm glad I've spent all these years rebuilding myself after Dustin nearly broke my spirit by playing Drake against me.
Among the things that litter my bag, my National Title is front and center. I was hoping to give it some company tonight, but Trace had other ideas. With all of my distractions, I've neglected my old friend just like my children. I missed Hunter's first steps and words. How can I be happy with my success when my children are forced to watch it from a distance?
"I think I should consider stepping away."
"Nikki don't say that."
"These past few months have really taken a toll on me, physically and emotionally." I say, looking around the locker room. "It's funny, making that walk to the ring tonight I thought about everything but what I should've. That's no way to be."
"Is everything ok at home? Penny asks before finishing her drink. "I know you've got the custody battle going on, but outside of that."
"Josh and I have grown apart because of everything that's been against us."
"Hun I know he loves you, but right now Josh's going into something he has to face alone." Penny says, standing up with the empty can in her hand. "And it's hard watching someone you care about shut themselves off to succeed."
"Scarlett?"
"Yeah, but I understood that she was the only one who could control the outcome."
Penny pauses, throwing her can in the trash.
"Listen, go home and spend time with the kids." She says, hugging my neck tightly. "If you still feel this way when you get back in the ring, then maybe you should think about stepping away.
******
Controversy.
That seems to be the word I've heard over and over again for most of my tenure here in WFWF. Everything I've accomplished has been called into question, from both of my National Title wins all the way through this run in the Tag Team Title Tournament. I made peace a long time ago with knowing there would be doubters, and I'd like to think they've come to appreciate the surprise that came with my rise.
I have to admit though, it's becoming more difficult to take pride in what I do. I've long considered myself a mother and wife before an athlete and somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that balance in my life because I became so consumed with proving my worth to the masses. I wanted to prove to those people who said I'd be better suited in the kitchen instead of a wrestling ring that I could do both and excel.
Now I've realized that maybe it's not meant for me to do both, but that's ok. What I've proven is that I am a world class wrestler, because I take as much pride in my craft as my kids. Remember that Lucas, simply because I have something you want and you're one of the people who trash my accomplishments behind closed doors. How little me, the unassuming little princess has been gifted with the easiest route to a championship. That's all good and well to throw stones at me, bit I'll take the high road for a second in saying that I hope you understand I'm impressed with you Lucas. Your size, intensity, and brawling style make you a dangerous new puzzle that I look forward to solving. But take away those obvious advantages and there isn't much else to Lennie Small.
Poor guy never had a chance, and neither do you.
So take your mind off how shiny my belt looks or this infatuation of wanting to pet a delicate object, because that's how people end up missing teeth. I have no problem being considered an underdog, in fact my stature almost guarentees it when I stand across from behemoths like you. You, who gets along without using your brain and every last bit of your heart like I have can't understand that I have to be tougher with a beauty queen's grace to get any sort of respect around here. But it's men like you that I have the most fun beating because I'm not those party girls you had to protect when you used to work as a bouncer. I am a world class athlete that was trained by the best wrestlers on the planet, one of which already beat you.
The other is the next WFWF World Heavyweight Champion, as if the situation wasn't already complicated enough. Right Drakz?
Things like this is why I joined my husband in the fight for WFWF's future, because if I'm going to be a representative of this company as one of its champions I need to know the people lining up to challenge me are worthy. So how are you, a man who is only here to do the bidding of a WFWF star from years past, in any position to take a crack at my hard earned championship when you eventually take it? Because you won a battle royal of men are still trying to find themselves? Let me put this in perspective for you, I won my National Title by winning possibly the most confounded tournament format possible, had it stripped because I broke my arm in a non title match that I was easily winning, came back seven months later from a life threatening condition and didn't miss a beat.
How did I top that?
By regaining what I never lost, against the longest reigning National Champion in company history in a match that clearly favored him. In what was considered the best ladder match this company ever had, and certainly the best one since Phillip Schneider and Hutton Brown made the climb over this same belt you covet. But because of me, Ante changed his way of thinking and used it to beat Michael Kyzer cleanly, something a very select few can say.
If word association and name dropping doesn't tell the story, then when we land in Denver I'll make sure you're reminded that George pulled the trigger on big Lennie because he cared.
I want to see you succeed Lucas, but your time isn't now. Hopefully Justin will help you realize that before I do.
****
Dean Residence
Atlanta, Georgia
9/1/15
"I know losing's hard Nikki..."
"Just stop Dad." I say, leaning forward on my elbows. "I've felt this way since I won the title again."
"Is it because of the tournament?"
"Well to be honest, I really didn't want to do the tournament in the first place." I say, pushing off the bar as I stand. "I guess I'll have to show you."
"Show me what?"
"Follow me."
"You're confusing me Nikki, and it's pretty obvious you're not thinking very clearly." Dad says before tugging my arm. "Will you slow down for a second and tell me what's wrong?"
"Just come with me." I urge him. "I have to show you something."
"Ok." He says with a sigh as he follows me. "I'm sure you have your reasons."
The feeling I told Penny about in Tokyo hasn't went away. Actually, it's gotten worse every time I look at Drake. The bruising around his eye has faded in the past couple weeks since the incident in Macon. Maybe if I would've missed the pay per view, I would feel a lot better about my choice to go back to wrestling. Time in jail gave me the chance to really assess whether this career choice is really worth it anymore. Knowing how much Josh loves wrestling again, I can't bring myself to tell him that I'm considering this because his passion of the sport is already on a thin line.
As we walk into the bedroom, I grab our last family photo. It was taken right after I won the National Title the first time. I hand it over to my dad and point to a specific spot while he studies it.
"Look at Drake's smile dad."
"He seems happy, although he's cheesing it up for the camera."
"I know that smile anywhere, and it's not joy."
"How do you know for sure?"
"Because it's the same smile I used to give when I was a kid." I say, drawing a line over his squinted eyes. "The one where you grin and bear doing something you don't want to do. Like my senior pictures were totally fake."
"Hey, I spent good money on those."
"I know and that's why I did them." I say, sitting the picture back down. "I don't like seeing Drake that way."
"Do you think it could be because he's not used to you being gone all the time?"
"I think he thought that I'd do it for a short time then get homesick." I say before sitting down on my bed. "It's easier for him when it's just Josh out of town than when it's both of us."
"Well that's because there's a certain separation with Josh." Dad says, joining me on the edge of my bed. "While I know Drake is fond of him, that's still his step daddy. It's not the same kind of love he has for you."
"You know picking him up from Dustin's was the first time I really ever felt guilty for choosing to wrestle."
"I see."
"What happened to him could've been been prevented."
"No it couldn't because at the end of the day, he still had visitation rights." He says, lowering his head for a second. "You know when you were rehabbing your elbow and I told you to think about the kind of example you were setting for Drake?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, that was different than where you're sitting now." He says, taking my hand. "If you want to walk away now, you're well within your rights to do so."
I still have a habit of looking for validation in everyone except the ones whose opinion really counts. And it's not to say my dad doesn't have a point, because he always does. The problem is that where I am with my job, there is a commitment that comes with it. Who would've thought that I had to choose, and I can feel a tear start to fall as Dad wipes it from my cheek. I remember what Penny said and for some reason it helps calm me. Even though she lives hard and works harder, Penny has always reminded me that this is a job and nothing else.
"I wouldn't much be much good to anyone if I have a nervous breakdown."
"That Trace fella may be a lot of things, but he was right about one thing he said to you." Dad says, looking in my tear filled eyes. "You have something much more important in your life."
*****
I can hear the rumors, and there is a bit of truth behind them. I am considering the options and what would be better for my children. I hate the fact that when I look at our family photo, I see Drake putting on his brave face because Mommy has been travelling the world chasing a dream and isn't around. I never wanted him to feel the way he does, yet it's happened and I'm just glad I found out before he started running with the wrong crowd as a way of coping. All it would take is a teenage version of Trace Demon telling Drake that I abandoned him to create a rift between myself and my son that I can't repair.
I think it's easy to see why I've been torn on these options, but the world keeps spinning and I have to take my burdens to the ring once again. I love wrestling and I'm very good at it, one of the best in the world in fact. But it's never defined who I am as a person. However, my children and what they become exposed to during their formative years is a direct reflection on me. If you and Amy decide to have children one day Jack, take these words of advice with you. You only get one shot not to permanently scar them, hoping all the while that something sinks in.
That's pressure, which is why wrestling has always come easy to me I guess. I know that several people in the locker room can't stand seeing a woman regularly showing up men, but maybe those people need to look in the mirror at what they're doing wrong. Right Jack? For almost four months, you've had the right to face me in your back pocket, and I've been very open about accepting the challenge. I want to face you Jack because of your reputation as a skilled wrestler. But I showed in Japan you didn't want to face me, but instead hid behind Jayson Garrett. The same guy who elsewhere had a great rivalry with Trace Demon is afraid to fight a five foot, one hundred thirty pound woman for a title in the only promotion he hasn't dominated?
It shouldn't make sense, yet it does to me. See I represent fighting Amy to you. If you win, you look bad because I am a woman. The fairer sex, frail and helpless. You should be able to beat me. But when you lose, you look bad because I am a woman.
You're in a bad situation Jack, and you're taking me with you because I look bad as a champion when the title isn't defended. I've had this title for a while now, yet I have to go back to before my broken arm to find a successful defense. I want to fix that Jack, but you're holding up the line by doing absolutely nothing. If you want to add days onto my reign, by all means do it. All you're doing is getting me closer to breaking a record that has an asterisk beside it anyway.
I'm getting tired of waiting for your opportune moment Jack, so much so that I'm considering giving your partner in Colorado his shot, because I know he'll take it. I'm finding it harder to justify being away from my children when I have very little to do here. Sure I can always settle my business with our old friend, but my obligations still get slighted. I am not going to be a champion that breaks a record by not defending my title. I guess the parent in me is going to have lead you by the hand if it means we can all resume our lives.
So make a decision Jack, before I do the best thing for all of us and make it for you.
