Burnout RP: Schaefer Rising

[Sleazyness]

Randy Franco’s Gym

Cleveland, Ohio

September 1st, 2015

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Masato Yamada: You got one more set to go!

Zoe bends over and puts her hands on her knees as sweat drips down her smooth skin.

Masato Yamada: You expect Masahiko Ishimura to show you mercy? He won't. So with that being said, I will not either. Now get up and do this last set.

Zoe stands up straight and finishes her reps on the bench press.

Masato Yamada: Good work child. Get some water, change, and meet me back in the lounge area.

Zoe nods and walks in pain to the locker room.

Masato Yamada, my Baba, has been in squared circle with the best of the best. He has so much knowledge on the business and was one of the biggest names in Japan back in the 90s. As a child, I would watch him go against some of the all-time greats. A few times I even got to go watch him wrestle live in the Tokyo Dome. It was the most phenomenal experience ever! I once told him I wanted to be a wrestler just like him when I got older. My mother was strongly against it and wanted me to have nothing to do with the business. She told me women have no business wrestling and fighting. Even to this day, she stands strongly of her opinion. I ended up spending a few years in college trying to major in marketing instead of chasing my dreams just so that she would be proud of me. Once I decided to finally to take up wrestling, she kicked me out of the house.

Zoe enters the empty locker room. With her hands shaking, she slowly begins to unlock her locker.

I will never forgive her for that. How can you kick your daughter out of your home just because she wants to chase her dreams!?!

Zoe opens her locker, grab her clothes, and slams the blue door shut.

I would never do that to my daughter. It's just not right. After being kicked out of my mom's place, my Baba took me in. I had to gather all the money I can by doing things I'm not so proud of, just to live with him. After Soba passed away, Baba had no one and was alone so it all worked out just perfectly. I'm forever grateful that he let me live with him.

Zoe uses a towel and wipes the dripping black smeared eyeliner from her rosy cheek.

My baba is the closest thing to a father that I have. He is the reason I am where I am today. He gave me a chance and I promised him that I would not let him down.

Zoe finishes putting on her clothing and leaves the locker room to find her baba in the lounge.

Wrestling is in my blood. My finishing move, The Schaefer Special, is a move my baba used when he used to wrestle. I decided to use this move to pay homage to him and show my respect for his tremendous career.

A tear drips from the right eye of Zoe’s face.

It makes me sad knowing that my father could be here to see me fight in the ring. Instead, he chose to disown me and runaway from his problems.

Zoe puts her dangling hair behind her left ear as she tries to keep her composure.

My life has been nothing more than a huge disappointment. I have no one to blame for this but my parents who chose to give up on the only child they ever had.

Zoe grabs toilet paper. She looks into the dirty mirror above the sink in the locker room. She clears the tears of sorrow from her face, tosses the toilet paper in the trash can be the door, and exits the locker room.

I will prove my mother wrong. I will prove my father wrong. I will prove them both wrong! I will show them that the daughter they gave up on is a success.

Zoe walks to the lounge. She surveys the area in search of her grandfather.

Where the **** are you old man?

The sun beams through the glass window. Zoe places her hand on her forehead to block out the sun.

Ah, there you are!

Zoe walks to her grandfather who is on a laptop and sipping on black coffee.

Zoe Schaefer: What’s up, old man?

Zoe winks and her grandfather looks back at her.

Masato Yamada: Child, now is not the time for play. It’s time to get serious. Your match is only a few days away and we still have very much to do.

Zoe rolls her eyes and responds.

Zoe Schaefer: Well sorry that I wanted to have a little fun!

Masato shakes his head left and right. He picks up his coffee as steam comes from the top. He takes a sip of it.

Zoe Schaefer: So, why exactly did you bring your laptop to the gym?

“Here’s your winner… Masahiko Ishimura!”

Masato Yamada: You see that? The move that was just used to win the match. That is called a Death Valley Driver.

Zoe nods.

Zoe Schaefer: I see. Who is that man who did it?

Masato shakes his head in disappointment.

Masato Yamada: You mean to tell me, you never watched any of Masahiko Ishimura’s matches?

Zoe’s eyes light up and quickly responds.

Zoe Schaefer: No! I didn’t know --

Masato Yamada: Stop. All you need to know is that move is one of his finishers. You need to be ready to stop that move from being executed on you child. If he gets that move on you, consider yourself toast.

Zoe gulps and responds.

Zoe Schaefer: I won’t let him hit that move on me. I can’t lose, I won’t let that happen.

Masato Yamada: Good. That's the kind of mentality you need to have in the wrestling business. It's a dog-eat-dog world, child.

Masato Yamada quickly packs up his laptop and gets up from his seat.

Zoe Schaefer: Where are you going, baba?

Masato Yamada sips up the rest of his coffee. Zoe looks at him with a confused looked on her face.

Masato Yamada: We. We are going back to my home. You have some film of Masahiko to watch and this isn’t the place to do it. After, we go back to training. You WILL be ready for your match against Ishimura.

Zoe nods. Masato tosses his coffee cup in the trash can and walks out of the gym.

The time is drawing near. It is time for Zoe Schaefer to rise amongst the rest in the WFWF. Ishimura, I have no doubt that you will make an impact on the WFWF. Sadly enough for you, I will make an even bigger impact and at the expense of your defeat.

Zoe follows her baba, Masato Yamada, out the door.

[Mr. PerpetuaLynch Motion]

I quite enjoyed this. I liked the flow of it. I appreciate how there was a good, solid focus on the match at hand. Sometimes people can get so lost in delving into side stories that it's easy to lose focus on what your goal is (I'm guilty of this sometimes myself). I like how you built a solid foundation of Zoe's aspirations, what she hopes to accomplish and why. It makes things easier going forward when you establish at the outset why your character wants to be a wrestler and I feel like you definitely did this here. I also like that you've shown that you can write a solid internal monologue as well as some decent dialogue as well. Overall it was enjoyable, good luck in your match!

[Sleazyness]

Sept 6, 2015 23:31:49 GMT -5 Mr. PerpetuaLynch Motion said:

I quite enjoyed this. I liked the flow of it. I appreciate how there was a good, solid focus on the match at hand. Sometimes people can get so lost in delving into side stories that it's easy to lose focus on what your goal is (I'm guilty of this sometimes myself). I like how you built a solid foundation of Zoe's aspirations, what she hopes to accomplish and why. It makes things easier going forward when you establish at the outset why your character wants to be a wrestler and I feel like you definitely did this here. I also like that you've shown that you can write a solid internal monologue as well as some decent dialogue as well. Overall it was enjoyable, good luck in your match!

Thank you very much. Hope to earn me some gold one day!

[Drakz]

This was a nice introduction to a new character. You covered the basics of who she is, why she does what she does and introduced us to a supporting character in Masato. A couple of pointers from me:

You had a particular mood going, with the tears, and the general way in which Zoe was talking about her parents etc, and then suddenly she was all smiles and jokes. Now I have no problem with the sudden change in mood as it could be attributed to Zoe putting on a brave face, however if that was the case I would have liked a little bit of internal monologue talking about it. Instead it seemed as though she just forgot about what she was talking about only second previous.

Also calling something a "finisher" seems a bit hokey to me. I dunno, it just comes across as goofy, maybe that's just me? I would have avoided using that exact term and perhaps said something like;

"He's put away a lot of people with this move."

Or words to that extent. Something a little less on the nose.

Overall a well structured piece mate and I'm looking forward to seeing where you take Zoe. Welcome back.

[Sleazyness]

Sept 9, 2015 6:34:23 GMT -5 Drakz said:

This was a nice introduction to a new character. You covered the basics of who she is, why she does what she does and introduced us to a supporting character in Masato. A couple of pointers from me:

You had a particular mood going, with the tears, and the general way in which Zoe was talking about her parents etc, and then suddenly she was all smiles and jokes. Now I have no problem with the sudden change in mood as it could be attributed to Zoe putting on a brave face, however if that was the case I would have liked a little bit of internal monologue talking about it. Instead it seemed as though she just forgot about what she was talking about only second previous.

Also calling something a "finisher" seems a bit hokey to me. I dunno, it just comes across as goofy, maybe that's just me? I would have avoided using that exact term and perhaps said something like;

"He's put away a lot of people with this move."

Or words to that extent. Something a little less on the nose.

Overall a well structured piece mate and I'm looking forward to seeing where you take Zoe. Welcome back.

Thanks for the input man.

I always called it a finisher. I guess it's just a preference? Anyways, I have Zoe as a person who is scared to unleash her internal feelings to people publicly which is why she hides it around Masato. I already have a plan established with this.

Anywho, thanks