Burn Out RP: I f*cking love OJ.

[Joe Magnet]

Joe's NJ Apartment
July 28th - 8am
Joe turns on his television and the news is the first thing on.

"24-year-old Allison Martin was killed yesterday night by a drunk driver. The suspect has been charged with Driving Under Intoxication and Involuntary Manslaughter. He claims Martin was on her cell phone when he hit. More details to come."

Joe: What the sh*t!?

This is insane. I just saw her yesterday and, she's dead? 

Of course right when I begin talking to her again she f*cking dies.

She F*CKING DIES.

Everybody always f*cking dies.

Joe, with tears forming in his eyes, continues his day by making some breakfast. Pork Roll and a glass of OJ.

I-

He begins crying, but still attempts to finish his sentence.

I f*cking love OJ.

_________________________________

Just about a month passes.

Joe's NJ Apartment
August 21st - 10am

Joe: Fun. Another loss last night. Ain't that spec-f*cking-tactular? I need to work out more; and harder. 

No I don't. That's stupid. I work pretty hard. Joey Raid doesn't seem to think so, but Joey Raid isn't Joe Magnet. Joe Magnet is f*cking thug.

Nailed it.

His phone begins to ring.

Joe: Sh*t.

Joe: Mom, I don't need a therapist. 

Joe's Mom: Joseph your friend died, and I read online that you lost that stupid wrestling thing again last night. I hate that you're doing this, you know that. Go see a therapist. You're depressed. I know you are. I can sense it.

My mom's psychic now? Wow. The world is changing.

Joe: Mom I'm not depressed. I'm totally fine. Stop bothering me.

It's true. I'm not upset. Like not at all. 

Seriously like zero percent.

Joe's Mom: You know you're father wou-

Joe quickly hangs up.

Why does she always bring up Dad? Jesus Christ she thinks I'm depressed? She's insane. She's always gets on my f*cking nerves. She doesn't like what I do, she doesn't like how I talk, and she always has to bring up Dad. Of course she does, right? She always needs to bring him up. Maybe because she wants me to feel bad for, as she says, "disrespecting his legacy."

I mean he was a doctor, not a f*cking astronaut, or the President. But she always has to bring him up and sometimes I just want to kill her.

Just get in my car, and drive through her house window, and kill her.

I'm right in this situation.

I've gotta be right.

I am right.

Right?!    


_________________________________


BJ's Wholesale Club
August 21st - 12:30pm

Joe: Ah sh*t there's no more Tyson Chicken Nuggets? Damn it!

Guy: I'm sorry, did you say something?

Joe: Bsh uh..no..uh..yeah I was just complaining that they ran out of protein powder. You know, gotta beef up.

Guy: You know you're in the the 'frozen meals' isle, right?

Joe: Whaaaaaaaaa?

Nah I totally knew.

I got out of that isle as fast as possible. What a prick.

Alright alright. Milk. Milk milk milk milk milk. I neeeeeeeeeeed milk.

Joe: You can't be f*cking serious.

Joey Raid: Nice loss last night man. I bet it's all that lifting you do. Must really help you in the ring.

Joe: Why are you in New Jersey? 

Joey Raid: Shut up. Why don't you stop being a b*tch?

Joe: What the f*ck are you talking about?

What the f*ck is he talking about?

Joey Raid: Get out of my way. 

Joey Raid walks away.

Joe: Seriously how the sh*t does he keep finding me? Jesus Christ. Next time, I'll just have to punch him in the mouth.

I'm so cool.


_________________________________



Joe's NJ Apartment
August 26th - 2:10pm

Joe: Joe Magnet vs Jon Gotch. A match where we both have to apparently "prove ourselves." That's absurd. I don't need to prove myself. I mean yeah, I'm 0-2 but that's just a number. Or two numbers. Whatever.

Joe: Siri, Google, Jon Gotch.

Siri: Searching Google for Jon Gotch.

Siri: No results for, Jon Gotch.

Joe: Sh*t well that's a little embarrassing. Now that I think about it, I haven't even seen Jon Gotch in person. His last show was right before my first. And I'm pretty sure he's injured. Or was injured.

Who the f*ck is this guy?

After scrolling the pages in Google, Joe finds something.

Joe: Ah here we go. Lucky Wikipedia. 

Joe begins reading out loud, but in gibber-ish with only few words decipherable.

Joe: heeeeweerrre Jon Gotch uhhhhh born in Poland ummmm no dad.

Joe: Sh*t that's just like me!

Joe continues reading.

Joe: Hmmmmm.

Joe: He ran away from home? What a p*ssy! And he's from Poland? That's kinda rad. 

I had a friend from Poland. Kuba was his name, or at least what we called him. Jakub was his actual name. He always pissed me off too.

Joe: Well, that's enough reading for today. I need a f*cking nap.

Or seven.

[Joe Magnet]

I tried something new with this, and tried to show a little more anger in my character. I also took some inspiration from Kyzer, who is a creative genius with these.

[The Gangsta]

So, I believe this is my first time reading one of your pieces and to me, it was a bit on and off at times. However, it didn't severely affect your piece as it does with others. But, honestly, it was not that bad.

I read your previous piece briefly to know the characters first before reading this one. The beginning portion, where Joe cries over Allison's sudden death, opened up a nice backdoor to the grief that comes with loss. You should have let Allison live for a few more pieces because it would allow Joe to get to know her and become really close so when death comes, he'll have more emotions and more feelings of grief in his mind, something that could help you out with the match you would be competing in. I found the "I f*cking love OJ" part to be pretty funny and a different turn on his character.

As I read on, I did not like the Joe/Mom conversation. I felt it served little to nothing when it came to the match and/or Joe's character and instead served as a filler role in the piece. I thought it was a bit odd greeting Joe's mom on the phone with "I don't need to see a therapist" when we know nothing about why he is insane. Is it because of the recent death in his life? Or is it the lack of victories on his metaphorical belt? All I got from this scene was that Joe is a stereotypical teenager who disregards his mother's advice, not good for a wrestler focused on his upcoming match.

The BJ's scene started off on a good note, continuing to develop that Joe is mentally disturbed. As it went on and encountering Joey Raid there, it felt unnecessary for two reasons. One: Joey is not competing right now. He lost to Randel at the PPV and he took time off, there's no need to make him appear at a wholesale club where Joe happens to be. You probably should've gotten Raid's consent to use his character as well, if you didn't already. And two: the dialogue didn't make any sense. It's like a playground bully came over, cursed at you, and walked away. 

But, my biggest pet peeve of this piece was the lack of focusing on the match. The most important part of an RP is emphasizing the opponent and your character's state of mind going into the match. You nailed the state of mind part, but lacked the opponent part. You briefly trash-talked Gotch at the end, but that should've been a focal point of this piece. 

Trust me, this was not a bad piece at all. It's just that it had its ups and downs. You have a direction for the character, which is always great, no matter what. But the unnecessary details and dialogue diminish the meaning of the piece, the Joe Magnet character and his match at Burnout. By plucking out the parts that don't really make sense, the direction of the Joe Magnet character will reveal itself more in the oncoming pieces and that's when you can use it to your advantage.

TL/DR: Focus on the character and the match ahead of him. But, overall, I liked it.

[Sleazyness]

Alright.

I'm not sure what kind of person Joe Magnet is supposed to be. I'm just going to go off this as this is the first time I read your work.

First, some punctuation was off. That kind of made me struggle to get through this smoothly. I don't know if you realized the errors or thought that was how the things were supposed to be.

I thought the intro was kind of strong. Joe displayed emotion, which was great cause you made it seem like the person actually is real. If I can try to get this correct, you wanted to make it seem like Joe was sad in-which he then turned into anger? You did a decent job on it.

The format of this RP kind of irked my nerves, but that's just me.

The conversation with your mother could have been better if you would have actually had her saying some words rather than just hearing one side of the phone call. It made that scene rather weak to me.

Your character comes off as a bit lunatic-ish, which is cool. I really think you can take this characters in several directions and do some great work with him.

As stated before, focus more on the match.

Overall, I liked it for the most part.

[Mr. PerpetuaLynch Motion]

I'm not entirely certain what I think of this actually. Part of me enjoyed it but then another part of me didn't. I think I didn't mind the actual content of it but everything just went by in such a blur and wasn't allowed anytime to actually breath it was like "This happened, oh and then this happened and then this other thing happened" and it just moved waaay too fast. It almost came out as a stream of consciousness piece (I've tried it once with awful results) where you just kinda typed as crap popped into your head.

As a positive though, I'm glad to see that you attempted to give Joe some human emotions, you worked in some motivation for wanting to win his next match, you touched upon your opponent and what he's about but it was all just so rushed.

I enjoy the Joe Magnet character for the most part, next time just don't move so quick.

[Drakz]

There were parts of this that made me laugh but also a couple of parts that struck me trying too hard with the character. Don't overuse expletives for the sake of it as it cheapens them. I happen to use quite a lot with my character but I don't throw them in any old place, only where it feels like it makes sense or adds emphasis to what's being said.

That scene with Raid confused me and it felt a little rushed. I think if you were going to do something like that you needed to lend more time and focus to it instead of a mere 5 or 6 lines.

I did enjoy the way you handled your discussion on Gotch. The siri search on google was a pretty creative dig at a guy who's pretty new, like yourself.

I can't comment too much until I've read a few more RPs from you. once I've built up an idea of who your character is and what you're like as a writer I'll be able to give a more in depth critique of your actual writing itself as oppose to just telling you what I did and didn't like.

Keep it up.