Burnout RP: Journey To Valhalla Part 1

[The Masked Superstar]

Jon Gotch sits by a camp-fire, warming his hands over the blaze. He recites the prayer “Ragnar’s Armor” and thinks back to his last match, which he was injured in.  

“I missed two shows, TWO SHOWS because of Ante Whitner and Michael Kyzer!” 

Jon Gotch feels the scar on his head, which is still there from the seriousness of the cut. He gets so overcome with anger and punches himself in the head, starting the blood flow. 

“I want to get revenge! I need revenge! Ante Whitner and Michael Kyzer need to be executed at the hands of a mean Viking!” 

Gotch wipes the blood down his face, creating a design from his forehead to his nose. He spits into the fire, and then lays down and falls asleep.  

*A Few Hours Later* 

Gotch walks up, the fire was put out sometime during the night. He coughs on the smoke as he sits up. Gotch stands up, and kicks around the ashes. He picks up his gym bag full of his stuff, and walks to where he parked his Red 57 Chevy. 

“Another day I live another day I want to execute Ante Whitner and Michael Kyzer!” 

Gotch puts his stuff in his backseat, and then gets into the driver seat. He pulls out of the parking space, and drives onto the highway. 

“My opponent coming up for this event, Joe Magnet. I have beat him before I can get my hands on Ante Whitner and Michael Kyzer. I don’t even need a Tag partner to get them. I can handle them on my own.” 

Gotch speeds down the highway at 120km, with not a care in the world. He still has dried blood smeared on his face from last night. 

“I have a losing streak going, that I’m trying to break. Joe Magnet will have to be the one I break my streak on!” 

Gotch pulls into his driveway of his house, and bolts out of the car. He walks into his house, and opens his cupboard and pulls out a bottle of Jim Beam. Gotch goes down to his empty basement, and sits down on the concrete and starts drinking. 

“This pisses me off. I can’t sleep without thinking about the last minutes of that match!” 

Gotch finishes off the booze, and then smashes the bottle against the wall. 

“I want to inflict the pain that I felt….on Joe Magnet.” 

Gotch picks up a big sharp peice of glass, looking at his chest. 

“I WANT TO INFLICT THE PAIN THAT I FELT!!” 

Gotch digs the piece of glass a little bit into his chest, and drags it down to his belly button. He cross it at the bottom of the line, making an upside down cross. Gotch lays backwards on the concrete and passes out. 

*A Couple of Hours Later* 

Gotch wakes up in his bed, that is soaked with blood. He gets up and goes and uses the bathroom. Gotch notices the scar that the incision left. He remembers what made him so pissed off! 

“See what I do to myself, I do this to myself because of the bastards called Ante Whitner and Michael Kyzer and now I have to end Joe Magnet to get to them.” 

Gotch walks to his living room, looking at a picture of himself before his debut in WFWF. He sits down on his recliner. 

“There is no way that Joe Magnet should get a National Championship match. He is a good competitor, but no match for some of the other competition! I have to beat Magnet, then I take out Whitner and Kyzer and then….and only then..I’ll take National Championship gold!” 

[The Gangsta]

Being that Kyzer and I were a major focal point for this piece, it didn't serve too well. What I think needs to be improved on is the focus on your opponent. Think of Joe Magnet. He is the guy you want to fight. You want to get to the next level. And it is him that you must go through. You were, in fact, leaning in that direction for a few brief moments. But, the problem was that it was for revenge on us. In case you did not know, Kyzer retired for good and it is only me in that pool now.

Another thing is the lack of setting description. The dried blood smeared on his face, the singing of the prayer, are all prime examples of description. But, when you are describing these things, you have to set the time and place of when this is happening. Where is this camp-fire he is sitting by? Where did he pass out on the sidewalk? The setting could play an important role in developing the character.

To be completely honest and no offense at all, I felt like nothing came from this piece. All we know from this piece is that Gotch may be a masochist who does whatever he wants, when he wants, and that contradicts the whole purpose of getting revenge, let alone the National Championship. Just keep in mind what Gotch's current goal is and all you have to do is work towards it. You have a goal in mind and now its just a matter of time before you take huge strides towards that goal. Eliminate the unnecessary details and emphasize more of the important ideas surrounding the Jon Gotch character. 

[Sleazyness]

As stated previously, Kyzer and Whitner were the focal point in this. I don't think it was a great idea either. Seems like a bunch of random things going on.

I think you should have displayed the fact that rather than worrying about what previously happened to you, you could have expressed how much Jon needs this win.

Before making an RP, think of the main things you want the reader to get out of the piece and go from there. Don't get discouraged, just get at it.

You got this man.

[Mr. PerpetuaLynch Motion]

I like the Jon Gotch character sooo much more than the other one that you had going. For some reason it just seems like a more interesting character.

The fact that Kyzer and Whitner were such a big focus of this may or may not have served you well. It seemed like your opponent was an afterthought. It's all well and good to use the beating that Kyzer and Whitner gave you as a sort of focus for your rage and an inspiration for wanting to do what they did to your opponents but you just kind of glazed over that.

I also feel like the pacing was too quick. It was like say a few words, fall asleep, wake up, talk a little bit more while drinking, pass out, wake up, talk a bit more and then presumably pass out on the recliner. That would be fine if you want people to start thinking Gotch is narcoleptic. Take some time to build a scene, build motivations, talk about his goals.

I think you're trending in the right direction and like I said, this is a much more interesting character than your other one you were attempting to bring in.

[The Masked Superstar]

Thanks for all the replies.

[Drakz]

Whilst I agree that Joe Magnet should have taken precedence over Kyzer & Whitner I do appreciate that you haven't just up and forgotten about what happened to Gotch. It's important to build your character's emotions up around things that have happened to them in matches etc.

You need to take your time a little more when you're writing. There was no need for your RP to change setting. It wasn't long enough to need it. I personally would have stuck with the camp fire throughout the whole thing. I think a lot of the newer guys see more seasoned writers putting out long, multiple scene RPs and think they need to do exactly that, but they always fail on the pacing of it. An RP of this length would have been bettered served by sticking to one location, focusing on Gotch's opinions on those that injured him/stand in front of him and also acknowledging the fact that Kyzer and Whitner have already turned on one another and Kyzer has been injured by Samael Ahriman. You seemed to ignore all of that and act as though they're still an active tag team.

Overall the most important advice I can give you is slow down, take your time and don't feel like you have to fit too much into too short a space. Once you're more comfortable with writing longer pieces then you can begin experimenting with multiple scenes etc.