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Post by The Masked Superstar on Jul 11, 2015 21:45:42 GMT -5
Dr. Manson yawns as he cleans his cleaver, and then sets it down. Manson turns around looking at the dead pig on the butchers table. The pig looks up at Manson.
"You know you've got a fatal four way match coming up!"
Manson looks at the pig with a confused look.
"Did you just say something??"
The pig looks up at Manson once more, and then stands up on the table.
"You gotta prepare for you match!"
Manson grabs his cleaver, holding it close to his chest.
"You know what motherf*cker!? All I prepare for is a 20$ Hooker. So shut up I don't prepare for wrestling matches and that bullsh*t!"
The dead Pig hops off the table, and walks over to the fridge.
"Want a beer you sad fat motherf*cker?"
"Yeah sure, you dead pig."
The dead Pig grabs two budweisers from the fridge, passing one to Manson.
"Thanks!"
Manson opens the beer, taking a huge swig and then belches.
"So what about my match? They are all p*ssies, I'm much more insane than any of them."
"Yeah right! Some of those guys are real good wrestlers."
"F*ck off you stinky pig!"
Manson picks up his cleaver and slashes the Pigs head off. Manson drops his cleaver and picks up the pig head, and looks into its eyes.
"I'll beat all of them asses."
Manson wakes up after a 10 day cocaine and booze binge, just to realize he had a very bad trip. Manson looks at the plane ticket to Osaka and passes out again. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2015 11:49:05 GMT -5
Are you dropping Gotch? I'll be honest, I thought you had something going with the Norse background.
On the topic of honest, this really didn't do it for me. I don't know about the match, I know next to nothing about the character, I know he likes beer and drugs and he's a butcher, that's about it. The dialogue I felt was off in that I know what you were going for, and you could definitely do it, but it didn't click. I figured the pig would be the voice of reason but then him calling him a "sad fat mf'er" disorientated me. This doesn't seem like a serious character or RP, but I'm hoping you take it on a good route.
Things I'd work on are first and foremost, more about the match. Not just a throwaway line, do a monologue if you prefer. Add in at least a mini paragraph about your opponents. Next, descriptions, set the scene for the reader. Make us feel like we're in the scene. Last, work on finetuning the dialogue and having it come with the character. I wasn't a fan of this piece, but it doesn't mean I'm not a fan of your writing.
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Post by The Gangsta on Jul 12, 2015 12:21:09 GMT -5
Like Jay said above, this wasn't too hot. I liked the Jon Gotch character and thought he was pretty neat. However, it all comes down to your choice and your direction with this character. I felt the dialogue was unnatural and the scene wasn't fully thought out. Besides the RP ending so abruptly, the change of tone in the last two sentences was unnecessary and out of place. And also, always check over the grammar of each piece. There was quite a few grammatical mistakes in this piece so just be on the lookout. It may seem as if I'm commanding you on this piece, but I know you could've done much better.
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Post by The Masked Superstar on Jul 12, 2015 13:36:39 GMT -5
I like writing for Manson more than I did Gotch. Manson is more goofy and more like me.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2015 14:10:39 GMT -5
I like writing for Manson more than I did Gotch. Manson is more goofy and more like me. You go on 10 day coke binges? I kid, but in the end that is most important. As long as you enjoy it too. |
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Post by The Masked Superstar on Jul 12, 2015 14:34:58 GMT -5
Gotch might come back in a long long while.
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Post by Mr. PerpetuaLynch Motion on Jul 13, 2015 6:19:28 GMT -5
If I'm being honest this did nothing for me. There's a lot of room for improvement and it seems like you took a lot of steps back from where you were. I was really starting to enjoy where Gotch was going. Then again I've been skeptical of the character since you posted the bio and said he was born in 1969. It pulls me out of everything when I stop and think "Wait a minute, this is a 46 year old man..." I'm hoping you can go places with it but this was a less than stellar debut piece for this character, especially considering you still have a couple days you could have spent tweaking it and adding to it.
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Post by CM Poor on Jul 14, 2015 11:43:43 GMT -5
I guess I'll join the chorus of those who really thought you were starting to scratch at the surface with Gotch's Norse mythology angle. At the same time, for a really brief moment, I thought you were going to take us on a trip when the pig started talking, and with a bit more effort, that would have been something wild and different and really fun to read in the vein of Nail Bunny or the psycho DoughBoys or something, but then you just kinda pencil whipped it and called it a day.
If you're going to run with this, give it a bit more oomph, 'cause with a bit of effort, this could be something really worth reading.
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Post by Drakz on Jul 15, 2015 13:15:26 GMT -5
This felt like it was written by a child if I'm honest. Almost every line had something in it that a kid would think was cool or edgy but instead it falls flat and comes across as cheesy.
Think of how to make this character different and interesting. Give us something to look forward to.
Also stick with a character. I don't want to see you changing character again any time soon as it puts you back to square one. If you've made the decision to start over with Dr Manson you need to show you're dedicated to his growth as a character.
The main thing that everyone has touched on though is that at it's very root everyone's RPs should essentially be a wrestling promo, where you go with that is up to you, but the main focus of every RP should be the match at hand.
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Post by Rated R on Jul 19, 2015 16:13:30 GMT -5
While I agree with everyone else about Gotch I will admit that I could see myself being entertained by this character, because I do enjoy a good out of the box read, but only if it's done at a much higher level than this. I feel like you had a promising premise for an introductory piece but that you cut it short right when it could have gone somewhere. You also need to up your dialogue game as Drakz said because if you're going to do a crazy character then you've got to balance it out with solid, top notch writing.
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I dont know good luck 
