Choke Hold RP: Jon Gotch

[The Masked Superstar]

Gotch is laying on his couch flipping through the channels, until he lands on the channel that is playing WFWF New Dawn. He sits up in shock, watching his match. His match is on the television at the moment. 

"Why the do I have to see this!?"

Gotch swigs his beer and slams it down. He watches the T.V in anger as the match ends. He turns off the t.v and then leans back, looking towards the sky. 

"I had him down for the count, why...why would you fail me gods?"

Gotch beats his chest.

"I had him BEAT! Zero and Three now, ZERO AND THREE! I'll never escape this ing nightmare of being a loser, the gods have failed me!"

Gotch stands up, walking towards his front door. He opens the door and makes his way to his 57 Chevy. Gotch hops inside and drives off.

" this, I have to win. I have to!"

Gotch pulls into the parking lot of his old gym and gets out of the car. Gotch kicks the door open, and walks in.

"This is creepy. I got to find my old Amateur singlet."

Gotch rummages through the rubble of the old condemned Gym and then finds his Amateur wrestling singlet. Gotch puts the singlet in his pocket, and runs out of the gym.
(Sorry this is so short, Internet problems again and writers block)

[Drakz]

This read more like a list than an roleplay man. Instead of just writing; "And then this happened. And then this happened" try to make it flow some more. There needs to be reasons behind everything, ever bit of dialogue, every movement. What are those reasons? Why is Gotch doing what he does?

This RP basically told me nothing other than you have lost three matches in a row. You could have told me that in one sentence.

Try to come up with a solid idea and theme before you start to write, that way you have a focal point, and something to work around. This felt like you didn't know what to write about so you just wrote whatever came to mind in 2 minutes flat.

[Deleted]

I know there were Internet problems, so I won't comment about the length, but please, please, PLEASE don't drop whole character backstory angle. It's truly a good idea and once you get back to more consistent Internet I hope to see it followed through.

[veronicaaaahhhh]

Just giving this a looksee... If you had more time to flesh this out, I think you would have had a pretty solid RP. The bits here could have been expanded into scenes that can really help develop the character. The motivation behind the scenes are all there, you just gotta take some time and allow things to breathe out so we can really develop a bond with the character.

[Rated R]

Yeah like Drakz said this read more as a basic outline of what you actually wanted to write. We know you're capable of better than this and you've got the basic outline for a very interesting character if you can just dive in and really give him some depth.

[jdfranchise]

I agree with Drakz, Mike, and Trace here. This seems more like an outline of something bigger. But I do like the idea of Gotch finding his amateur singlet, and I think indirectly you set a hook for something to build on. For your next rp, I'd like to see you expand on the significance of going this route, and you'll be surprised where it takes you.

You're doing some good things man, but like Drakz said, you have got to give each action, word, etc. a purpose. So slow down, and really think about the direction you're wanting to go.