Post by Kyzer on Apr 25, 2015 7:05:56 GMT -5
How do I begin this? I have been away for so long. Where did I go? What has Kyzer been doing?
Is this déjà vu? Oh wait…probably. I do leave and come back frequently in grand style.
Why? Boredom? Ego broken after a loss? Or something as simple as I got the clap and needed some medical time off? I could give you a long and in depth response to these questions. It wasn’t boredom; it wasn’t because my ego was shattered into pieces because Philip Schneider got the best of me ONCE. And sorry to the haters, no clap here. The Kyzer gets tested regularly and believe or not, I don’t f~ck the bottom of the barrel. Brennan always batted cleanup in the Epoch days.
The reason for everything that happened on that fateful day will come to light eventually.
Truthfully I just don’t feel like indulging the world. People can ask or wonder all they want. I am sure there are plenty who could care less simply because I am the world’s biggest bastard.
Can’t please everyone. At least I got my nut.
I always get my nut.
So forgetting the question as to why I came back, I came back.
And of course it was in style. Michael Kyzer is always a f~cking stud.
***** arrived in style.
The look on his face when he saw me, I knew I touched him deeply with the video montage celebrating his career. It was a historic career. I could see that all he wanted to do was give me hug. There is no denying the bromance. Drakz wanted to lick my balls after seeing me return and save him from an angry midget. The eyes told me everything I needed to know. I saw the fear, the frightened little boy that was left alone after his father abandoned him, the frightened crippled little boy.
That little G...
I stepped onto the stage and the kind of reaction only I could get in my hometown. I thought the bad guy always got cheered in his hometown. Apparently I am such a piece of sh~t that even Seattle hates me.
But not Drakz.
He wanted to f~ck me. He had those eyes. Those eyes you see on a chick that is at an EDM festival after her third hit of Molly. And not to stray too far off the topic of Drakz wanting to f~ck me, but when the f~ck did it become all about Molly. Give me some triple stack Mercedes anytime. I want my ecstasy cut with coke or heroin. Kids these days are p~ssies about their drugs. But back to the topic at hand, Drakz wanting to f~ck me. As I walked closer to the ring, I could see him lick his lips in excitement, in a creepy pedophiliac way. That is the Drakz I had known for years.
Drakz always had this weird Brian Molko going for him, like you can’t tell if he likes women or is just down with the brown. And he has always looked like a transgendered alien. But his Brian Molko eyes were locked on me as I walked to the ring. As I took those steps up, I thought he was going to act like a puppy and pee everywhere out of excitement. His long lost love had returned.
Drakz was finally reunited with his bro Michael Kyzer.
And then he got planted by a size 19 boot to the back of the head.
Again, I had to break his heart.
How I stole a dragon from a midget that is a story for someone else to tell.
I almost hated to do it, to steal the thunder of my dear friend DMK, to crack the back of the head of the man in heat because of my very sight, to ruin the spectacle that would have been DMK vs Drakz.
I wasn’t though. After it all happened, after the shock of my return and subsequent heartbreak of my good friend Drakz, I wouldn’t have changed a f~cking thing.
DMK gets mad…f~ck him.
Drakz gets mad…f~ck him.
Tugarin Zmey gets mad…f~ck him.
The WFWF fans get mad…f~ck them.
I have always done what I wanted, and everything has always been done with forethought. Even in the era of anarchy that existed when I ran the place, the chaos was pre planned.
For the most part anyways.
Drakz knows why I am back. He knows that me snapping his back in half like I am motherf~cking Bane to his Batman isn’t nearly enough punishment for the offenses tendered towards my family.
This is will be a f~cking bloodbath…
When I decide it to be one. I have to admit, I stole this idea from Schneider when he served me with papers after Brennan put him on point.
Poke the bear.
Spit on the bear.
Slap the bear.
Punch the bear.
Kick the bear.
F~ck the bear.
That bear is going to f~cking kill you.
But what happens when that androgynous bear is filled with rage but is kept away from its agitator but a piece of paper and 50 feet? That bear goes crazy. And will keep going crazy because I don’t intend to stop pissing on the bear.
I killed Bart the Bear back in 2000. It wasn’t the cancer. I am not scared of a little abused baby black bear.
Get out of here with that sh~t, punk.
I am Michael Kyzer. I have so many nicknames that they each have bastard children of their own.
But I am one thing…
A motherf~cking space pirate…
Showtime Diner
Baltimore, Maryland
2/6/2015
****S 1: Why are we eating in such a sh~thole?
Kyzer: Are you talking about the town or the establishment? Say what you will about the town, I hate Baltimore and I loved The Wire. Go figure. But this place is owned by a dear friend of mine. I would ask that you show some respect and class.
But I know that will be hard for her. Thai sl~ts are so fun but so whiny.
****S 2: Will I be safe going to the bathroom here?
Kyzer: Probably not.
She goes quiet. I think she doesn’t realize I am joking. She is crazy if she thinks I am touching her while she is growing a yeast infection down there. This diner looks like every diner you see in the movies. You can see where Tom Stall killed two robbers. People eat with their faces buried in their plates while either reading the paper or something on an electronic device. All these people and no social interaction, it is makes no sense to me. But what am I saying, I am sitting here with two Crazy Ultra Nasty Thai Sl~ts, and they aren’t exactly kept around for the intellectual conversations we carry on.
Kyzer: Are either of you going to eat?
As I ask this, a young waitress walks up. She has a girl next door kind of vibe that seems out of place in Baltimore. But girls look up her and immediately getting that bitchy look in their eyes. I don’t have to look at their faces to know they are both ready for a catfight. Bottom Bitches claiming their man. I can’t complain, but the Thai girls are better looking than this waitress. She has the look of a woman whose lack of experience would lead to her just lying there and flopping around like a fish out of water. Just flailing limps and turning your body every which way doesn’t mean you know what you are doing in the bedroom. No one wants to f~ck a fish.
Waitress: Sir, do you know what you would like?
Her question breaks me out of my inner monologue. I look at the menu briefly. Everything is named after him, the Bolt of Blazing Gold omelet, the Phenomburger, Alexcakes, Sean fries with gravy…I thought my ego was big. I would never name food after myself. Even I have some limits in pretentiousness.
Kyzer: I am good. I can’t have food loaded with smugness.
She just looks lost as I hand her the menu. I have no clue with the ****S ordered anything but she walks off.
“There has to be a reason why I am finding Michael Kyzer in my diner?”
That voice can only belong to the owner of this fine eatery, Alex Sean. I look up and see Alex Sean walking towards me. He grins as he sees the company I bring with me.
Alex Sean: You mind if I sit?
Kyzer: Have at it, it is your place and you are the reason I am here. I just don’t randomly drop into Baltimore.
He takes a seat next to ****S 2. She lost the coin toss. She is the first to suffer the wrath of the Alex Sean eyef~ck.
Alex Sean: So I see you found yourself some exotic beauties here.
Kyzer: Yep, in Eugene.
He looks at me.
Alex Sean: Eugene Oregon?
Kyzer: Yeah. I met them in a club there.
Alex Sean: So what brought them from Thailand to Oregon?
I like how we are talking about them as if they aren’t just sitting right next to us.
****S 1: I am from Scottsdale, Arizona. Dick.
****S 2: Portland, Oregon. Dick.
Alex is at a loss for words. It amuses me. Thai girls travel in packs, write that down.
Kyzer: They were students at Pacific. Thai girls travel in packs. And now they are going to travel together to the bathroom…outside to get a smoke…or anywhere that isn’t right here…
They obviously don’t realize that I am talking to them as they both just stare at me. Curse these wonderful blue eyes of mine. Piercing.
Kyzer: Yo, ladies, leave the table.
I slam my hand on the table for emphasis. They both show me their bitch face before standing. They know better than to object, I am their meal ticket.
****S 1: Let us get out of your way.
Apparently one of them understands sarcasm. They finally leave me alone with pretty much my only remaining friend.
Kyzer: They earn their keep through other means than being polite or listening.
Alex Sean: I assumed.
Kyzer: They are around until I am bored with them basically.
Alex laughs.
Alex Sean: So the reason you are slumming it in Baltimore?
Here it goes.
Kyzer: I assume you don’t keep up with the storyline of the day with the WFWF anymore do you?
He laughs again while answering.
Alex Sean: I didn’t pay attention to them when I was there on the roster. I certainly don’t now.
I guess he wants to forget getting stabbed by a spear from Native American EBR. I can’t blame him there. He got punked.
Kyzer: Then you should know you are pretty much the only left in the Kyzer camp. Bridges have been burned with just about everyone.
He doesn’t seem surprised.
Alex Sean: It was bound to happen eventually. You still got Drakz with you right?
He really doesn’t pay attention.
Kyzer: Nope. That bridge got burnt when I broke his back.
Now he seems surprised.
I have never made any excuses for the type of person I am. I don’t expect people to like me. I go out of my way to antagonize them. I am a high grade heady called Douchebag. Drakz was always the guy that never got burned. Can’t say that anymore.
Kyzer: There were reasons for it that I don’t care to discuss at the moment.
Alex Sean: You got to do what you got to do. I have done that.
A kindred spirit.
Kyzer: Well I am about to set fire to a bunch more things than bridges here in a few days.
Alex Sean: I am going to take a wild guess and say that you just disappeared months and months ago and now it is your return?
He knows me so well. This is what a best friend is like, Drakz.
Kyzer: More or less. And there is going to be more than just Drakz that is going to be mad about my impending return.
Alex Sean: I don’t think anyone would expect less from you.
He is right. I have a legend to live up to. I have a myth that I have to give credibility to, something that I don’t think my last run did enough. I have to put down some foundation. I have lived off the myth and legend too long. I have gotten complacent and slack. That is how I got beat by Schneider. Who would have thought that the Megalomaniac would fall because of over confidence? Oldest story out there.
Kyzer: I could walk in there in a few days, do what I am going to do, and then find myself at the head of the line. I did it when I returned and took the title from EBR right after he beat you. I remember when I started in 2005. I mowed through everyone. I created my reputation, my legend, my myth with blood. I craved up everyone put in front of me. No one looked at me thinking that I was undeserving of my spot. No one saw me as overrated. I backed up everything. Then during The New Epoch era, I just coasted on my legend. I lost because of it.
Alex goes to say something but I hold up a finger to let me continue.
Kyzer: I am going back to the WFWF to finish things with Drakz. But there is more to it than that. I could just go, beat the piss out of him and break him in half again. He deserves so much more than that. He deserves to see himself get swallowed in my shadow until I come to take away everything that is precious to him.
The statue of my dick needs to be bigger than the statue of his.
Kyzer: So I have come up with a strategy that accomplishes that. I have decided that I am going to take a grassroots campaign this go-a-round. I am going to take every hero, every good boy, every angel and I am going to beat them. I am going to pick apart each one until there is nothing but Drakz in front of me. Until Drakz can’t see anything but I cast a shadow over his universe.
I pause to let my words sink in as if I am a great philosopher or something.
Alex Sean: Why are you telling me this and what does this have to do with me?
Well that is deflating. I open up and this is the response. Probably should have expected that.
Alex Sean: I don’t mean to sh~t on what you are telling me or anything. But I don’t keep up with that world anymore; I am not any use to you. I couldn’t even give you advice.
I wasn’t asking for advice. I wouldn’t ask for advice from a guy who got speared literally on television. Who doesn’t run for cover when a white guy comes to the ring in full Native American garb and riding a buffalo while also carrying a war spear? Yep, definitely wasn’t asking for advice.
Kyzer: I wasn’t asking for anything from you.
About to get soft here.
Kyzer: I haven’t exactly been surrounded with company that understands that world in the slightest. I don’t have anyone else that I can talk to about that world.
He doesn’t say anything for a second as if he is in deep thought.
Alex Sean: So you came all the way to Baltimore just to talk to me about wrestling? You could have just called me on the phone.
What the f~ck is wrong with face to face interaction? Why does everyone want to do everything over the phone, via text, via Facebook? Talking face to face is becoming less and less valued.
Kyzer: Because I didn’t want to use up all my minutes.
I wonder if he understands sarcasm. Doubt it.
I look around and notice we are the table with any kind of conversation going on. It is disgusting.
Kyzer: Maybe I have missed have face to face interactions with someone who isn’t a) trying to f~ck me or b) on drugs.
Michael…you are a **** now.
Alex Sean: I guess man, I don’t see the point but it was your dime.
Kyzer: I don’t remember you being this much of a dickhead back in the day.
Alex Sean: I think my brain has gotten rattled around at these jujitsu tournaments I enter.
Of course he turns to the most boring thing on the planet to watch. This was a horrible f~cking idea.
Kyzer: Well I think it is about time for me to get out of here…
Alex Sean: Look if there is one thing I can say to you advice wise, when you return look for one of the rising stars in the company. Somebody with some promise. Then you pick a fight with them, beat them, and get over. That is the strategy used by me and everyone else for years. Normally you get over at their expense and take their spot in the pecking order. You are just looking to level it altogether. Use the rising star as an example. Completely obliterate him as a message to everyone.
That is the only semi-smart thing he has said since sitting down. I already have a better plan in mind but thanks Sean. I stand up and look down at this shell of a man. He may be my only friend left but he is a sad f~cking excuse compared to the man he used to be. This is a warning to me about the future. I will f~cking kill myself before I let that happen though.
Alex Sean might as well be R.I.P.
Kyzer: Well Alex, this has been a near complete waste of time.
As I am walking away…
Alex Sean: Aren’t you going to tip your waitress?
Without stopping or missing a beat…
Kyzer: I don’t tip slam pigs.
The God of F~ck doesn’t tip slam pigs.
But he does clip the wings of angels and crush stone throwing little boys before they can slay the giant. And now he gets the f~ck out of Baltimore.
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Some Bar
Some City
Some Day In The Past
I see the hunger in his eyes. I can appreciate the desire. I never have the same hunger and desire. I honestly don’t even remember how or why I got into wrestling. As long as I can remember I have been doing it and I have been good at it. I am 37 now so I am guessing somewhere in the 20 year range. It has put food on my table and drugs up my nose. But at no point did I ever have this hunger to win titles. When I came into the WFWF I was all about showing people an alternative lifestyle. It was never about titles or fame. But then I just kept winning and winning. The Kyzer Machine’s considerable ego got even bigger.
Kyzer: F~ck.
I didn’t mean to say that out loud.
Guy: Something wrong?
Kyzer: No sorry, I just had a little epiphany.
He shrugs and takes another bite out of his steak. The restaurant he chose is nice. Points. He has some class which is always nice. I get tired of slumming it with junkies all the time. Speaking of junkies, my nose itches.
Kyzer: So like I was saying, I am regretting my current situation where I have pretty destroyed all my alliances in this place. So out with the old friends and in with the new ones.
Guy: And that brought you to me?
Kyzer: Well I wasn’t completely ignorant to what was going on here when I was gone. I had people in the inner workings of this place. Information and knowledge are everything my friend. What I saw of your work, I found impressive.
Guy: So you want a tag team partner?
I take a sip of my drink. I want to give him the illusion that I pondering that and being introspective.
Kyzer: That could be part of it. I am aware that this is probably going to be the last leg of my career. It is my last chance to secure my legacy. There is nothing better in doing that than have a successful protégé.
Guy: I am going to be successful no matter what.
No doubt.
Guy: Is this because you are afraid of Drakz?
I can’t stop myself from bursting out into laughter. I calm myself a moment later.
Guy: Are you scared that DMK is going to come after you? Word around the locker room is that he wants your blood.
Kyzer: I have known DMK longer than anyone outside of his family. Everything he has, everything he is, is because of me. I saved him. He can remember the past or try and twist things any which way he wants but he isn’t changing the truth. That said, if he wants blood, he can come and try to get it. As far as I am concerned, he is doing his own thing that has nothing to do with me. I have no qualms about violence towards midgets on a general level though.
I would f~ck DMK up. I’ll kick the Dragon’s teeth down his throat too.
Guy: I am not going to lie to you. I took the dinner because I definitely wanted to see Michael Kyzer up close and personal. But I am not sure I am looking to change when I stand amongst the ranks. Shouldn’t you be getting more ready for your match with Kirkbride instead of wining and dining me? Haven’t you been away for a couple of years now?
Just because I wasn’t in the WFWF doesn’t mean I wasn’t in a ring somewhere. I take my training very seriously…
No one believes me…
Kyzer: Didn’t you lose to Kirkbride?
His expression turns a little sour. Must have hit a nerve there.
Kyzer: I am taking Kirkbride seriously. I am not overlooking him in the slightest. But you also have your training methods and I have mine.
Cocaine and sit-ups.
Guy: If you say so. You are the veteran.
Veteran? That is probably the first time I have been called that and actually taken notice to it. I can appreciate one meaning of the word because I have been around for a while and know my way around a ring but it also implies old. I am not sure how I feel about that.
Kyzer: Daniel is going to be a welcome challenge to me. I am looking at this through different lens than I normally would. I am not disregarding him. In fact I am according him all the respect he deserves up to this point in his career.
I play with the straw in my drink. It stirs a lime through the ice and vodka.
Kyzer: Don’t get it twisted. I am not going to hesitate turn Daniel into Daniella. If he forces me to, I will choke him out with his own vas deferens. I think I would be sad if I have to do that.
I look him in his hungry eyes. He wants stardom. He wants to stand at the top of the mountain. He has ambition.
Kyzer: As much of a fan as I am of you, I wouldn’t hesitate to do the same to you if I have to. You learn a long time ago to throw away your conscience in this business. You have to f~ck people over from time to time to get ahead. You have to do things you didn’t think you were capable of in order to win the big one. One of my defining moments was my first fight with God. I won, of course. I know Kirkbride isn’t Reverend Shadow. They are two different animals with the same inherent weakness. And as long as they have that weakness, they will never win. It is a tragedy really, to blindly follow insanity.
I might actually cry when I kill Daniel. He is going to die a virgin.
Guy: You are something different than the stories.
Kyzer: Most of those stories are lies.
I am the one who started them.
Kyzer: Look if you change your mind, let me know. The offer stands. I am sure we will cross paths again.
I stand up from the table as he is in the middle of chewing.
Kyzer: I need to be taking my leave now.
He quickly swallows as I turn to leave.
Guy: Aren’t you paying?
Kyzer: I don’t pay tabs.
The God of F~ck don’t pay restaurant tabs.
He did get me thinking about one thing. I haven’t wrestled in the WFWF in 2 or 3 years. I can’t let Daniel get to second base on my first date since being back out there.
F~cking Kirkbride…the exact opposite of me…so lame…
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I am intrigued by you.
Your religion…
Your associations…
Your performances…
Your values…
Dedication.
That is all it takes to be a good Christian. It just takes being dedicated to God, to the Church, to being morally sound, to the commandments, to the Bible.
It only takes one thing to be Daniel Kirkbride.
Dedication to something that isn’t real. Something that is a fabrication by man to describe the unexplainable years ago.
I admire you.
I admire how you stand up for what you believe in. You stand strong in your faith when you face the Goliath’s of your life. You put everything into it. That’s heart.
I am pretty sure that was the sh~ttiest of the rings that summoned Captain Planet.
Daniel, I want to throw something out at you.
David Brennan took you under his wing. He acted as a mentor while you tried to save him.
You hooked up with wrong member of the Epoch. Brennan is a washout and always has been. Nothing will ever change there. It is sad because I had high hopes for him. Now who knows where he is.
But there is hope.
Come let me mentor you. Let me show you the advantages of the Dark Side. We can be Sith Lords. There are always two. I can show you things that would open up your eyes to the world.
No longer would you live with blinders on. You will see the world in all of its non-judgmental beauty. No buying the latest Joel Osteen book or making sure you are part of the next cult mega church. You can even finally understand what they are saying in all those three six mafia songs about getting head.
I am offering you a new way of life. A new start, everyone needs a fresh start sometimes.
Let me help you get a second chance at living life. Let me help you lose your virginity. I know a couple of hot Thai sl~ts.
Daniel Kirkbride, you have all the potential in the world. Everyone witnessed it when you nearly took down the Shell of Cray. But you need something to get you over that small hurdle. I can do that.
I can offer you help…
I can offer you another chances…
Join me…
Be my Sith apprentice…
Darth Kurgan…
It has a nice ring…
I can offer you Salvation…
Salvation…
from boredom…
from judgement…
from oppression…
from living in a f~cking bubble…
I know I am everything that you probably despise in the world. I am rude, insensitive, vulgar, immoral, hedonistic, deceitful, and egomaniacal. But I am also free, happy, and uninhibited by the judgement of some imaginary figure in the sky.
I can embrace any whim, any desire.
If I see a hot woman, I can f~ck her…if she obliges. Rape is wrong.
My point is I am not restricted by some bullsh~t that decides whether or not you are a ‘good boy’ or a ‘bad boy’.
I offer happiness.
When was the last day you struggled? I can’t remember mine.
When was the last time you were unhappy? I can’t remember mine.
Daniel…Daniel…Daniel…
So much potential in you
And I feel like it is all being wasted.
This is my last attempt to cement my legacy as the greatest ever. I will overshadow everyone. But with what I can teach you, young Daniel, your legacy can surpass mine own.
But it won’t happen while you fight with handcuffs on.
Let me free you.
Let me be your Messiah.
Worship me.
Because I don’t want to kill you.
And I will if I have to...
Is this déjà vu? Oh wait…probably. I do leave and come back frequently in grand style.
Why? Boredom? Ego broken after a loss? Or something as simple as I got the clap and needed some medical time off? I could give you a long and in depth response to these questions. It wasn’t boredom; it wasn’t because my ego was shattered into pieces because Philip Schneider got the best of me ONCE. And sorry to the haters, no clap here. The Kyzer gets tested regularly and believe or not, I don’t f~ck the bottom of the barrel. Brennan always batted cleanup in the Epoch days.
The reason for everything that happened on that fateful day will come to light eventually.
Truthfully I just don’t feel like indulging the world. People can ask or wonder all they want. I am sure there are plenty who could care less simply because I am the world’s biggest bastard.
Can’t please everyone. At least I got my nut.
I always get my nut.
So forgetting the question as to why I came back, I came back.
And of course it was in style. Michael Kyzer is always a f~cking stud.
***** arrived in style.
The look on his face when he saw me, I knew I touched him deeply with the video montage celebrating his career. It was a historic career. I could see that all he wanted to do was give me hug. There is no denying the bromance. Drakz wanted to lick my balls after seeing me return and save him from an angry midget. The eyes told me everything I needed to know. I saw the fear, the frightened little boy that was left alone after his father abandoned him, the frightened crippled little boy.
That little G...
I stepped onto the stage and the kind of reaction only I could get in my hometown. I thought the bad guy always got cheered in his hometown. Apparently I am such a piece of sh~t that even Seattle hates me.
But not Drakz.
He wanted to f~ck me. He had those eyes. Those eyes you see on a chick that is at an EDM festival after her third hit of Molly. And not to stray too far off the topic of Drakz wanting to f~ck me, but when the f~ck did it become all about Molly. Give me some triple stack Mercedes anytime. I want my ecstasy cut with coke or heroin. Kids these days are p~ssies about their drugs. But back to the topic at hand, Drakz wanting to f~ck me. As I walked closer to the ring, I could see him lick his lips in excitement, in a creepy pedophiliac way. That is the Drakz I had known for years.
Drakz always had this weird Brian Molko going for him, like you can’t tell if he likes women or is just down with the brown. And he has always looked like a transgendered alien. But his Brian Molko eyes were locked on me as I walked to the ring. As I took those steps up, I thought he was going to act like a puppy and pee everywhere out of excitement. His long lost love had returned.
Drakz was finally reunited with his bro Michael Kyzer.
And then he got planted by a size 19 boot to the back of the head.
Again, I had to break his heart.
How I stole a dragon from a midget that is a story for someone else to tell.
I almost hated to do it, to steal the thunder of my dear friend DMK, to crack the back of the head of the man in heat because of my very sight, to ruin the spectacle that would have been DMK vs Drakz.
I wasn’t though. After it all happened, after the shock of my return and subsequent heartbreak of my good friend Drakz, I wouldn’t have changed a f~cking thing.
DMK gets mad…f~ck him.
Drakz gets mad…f~ck him.
Tugarin Zmey gets mad…f~ck him.
The WFWF fans get mad…f~ck them.
I have always done what I wanted, and everything has always been done with forethought. Even in the era of anarchy that existed when I ran the place, the chaos was pre planned.
For the most part anyways.
Drakz knows why I am back. He knows that me snapping his back in half like I am motherf~cking Bane to his Batman isn’t nearly enough punishment for the offenses tendered towards my family.
This is will be a f~cking bloodbath…
When I decide it to be one. I have to admit, I stole this idea from Schneider when he served me with papers after Brennan put him on point.
Poke the bear.
Spit on the bear.
Slap the bear.
Punch the bear.
Kick the bear.
F~ck the bear.
That bear is going to f~cking kill you.
But what happens when that androgynous bear is filled with rage but is kept away from its agitator but a piece of paper and 50 feet? That bear goes crazy. And will keep going crazy because I don’t intend to stop pissing on the bear.
I killed Bart the Bear back in 2000. It wasn’t the cancer. I am not scared of a little abused baby black bear.
Get out of here with that sh~t, punk.
I am Michael Kyzer. I have so many nicknames that they each have bastard children of their own.
But I am one thing…
A motherf~cking space pirate…
Showtime Diner
Baltimore, Maryland
2/6/2015
****S 1: Why are we eating in such a sh~thole?
Kyzer: Are you talking about the town or the establishment? Say what you will about the town, I hate Baltimore and I loved The Wire. Go figure. But this place is owned by a dear friend of mine. I would ask that you show some respect and class.
But I know that will be hard for her. Thai sl~ts are so fun but so whiny.
****S 2: Will I be safe going to the bathroom here?
Kyzer: Probably not.
She goes quiet. I think she doesn’t realize I am joking. She is crazy if she thinks I am touching her while she is growing a yeast infection down there. This diner looks like every diner you see in the movies. You can see where Tom Stall killed two robbers. People eat with their faces buried in their plates while either reading the paper or something on an electronic device. All these people and no social interaction, it is makes no sense to me. But what am I saying, I am sitting here with two Crazy Ultra Nasty Thai Sl~ts, and they aren’t exactly kept around for the intellectual conversations we carry on.
Kyzer: Are either of you going to eat?
As I ask this, a young waitress walks up. She has a girl next door kind of vibe that seems out of place in Baltimore. But girls look up her and immediately getting that bitchy look in their eyes. I don’t have to look at their faces to know they are both ready for a catfight. Bottom Bitches claiming their man. I can’t complain, but the Thai girls are better looking than this waitress. She has the look of a woman whose lack of experience would lead to her just lying there and flopping around like a fish out of water. Just flailing limps and turning your body every which way doesn’t mean you know what you are doing in the bedroom. No one wants to f~ck a fish.
Waitress: Sir, do you know what you would like?
Her question breaks me out of my inner monologue. I look at the menu briefly. Everything is named after him, the Bolt of Blazing Gold omelet, the Phenomburger, Alexcakes, Sean fries with gravy…I thought my ego was big. I would never name food after myself. Even I have some limits in pretentiousness.
Kyzer: I am good. I can’t have food loaded with smugness.
She just looks lost as I hand her the menu. I have no clue with the ****S ordered anything but she walks off.
“There has to be a reason why I am finding Michael Kyzer in my diner?”
That voice can only belong to the owner of this fine eatery, Alex Sean. I look up and see Alex Sean walking towards me. He grins as he sees the company I bring with me.
Alex Sean: You mind if I sit?
Kyzer: Have at it, it is your place and you are the reason I am here. I just don’t randomly drop into Baltimore.
He takes a seat next to ****S 2. She lost the coin toss. She is the first to suffer the wrath of the Alex Sean eyef~ck.
Alex Sean: So I see you found yourself some exotic beauties here.
Kyzer: Yep, in Eugene.
He looks at me.
Alex Sean: Eugene Oregon?
Kyzer: Yeah. I met them in a club there.
Alex Sean: So what brought them from Thailand to Oregon?
I like how we are talking about them as if they aren’t just sitting right next to us.
****S 1: I am from Scottsdale, Arizona. Dick.
****S 2: Portland, Oregon. Dick.
Alex is at a loss for words. It amuses me. Thai girls travel in packs, write that down.
Kyzer: They were students at Pacific. Thai girls travel in packs. And now they are going to travel together to the bathroom…outside to get a smoke…or anywhere that isn’t right here…
They obviously don’t realize that I am talking to them as they both just stare at me. Curse these wonderful blue eyes of mine. Piercing.
Kyzer: Yo, ladies, leave the table.
I slam my hand on the table for emphasis. They both show me their bitch face before standing. They know better than to object, I am their meal ticket.
****S 1: Let us get out of your way.
Apparently one of them understands sarcasm. They finally leave me alone with pretty much my only remaining friend.
Kyzer: They earn their keep through other means than being polite or listening.
Alex Sean: I assumed.
Kyzer: They are around until I am bored with them basically.
Alex laughs.
Alex Sean: So the reason you are slumming it in Baltimore?
Here it goes.
Kyzer: I assume you don’t keep up with the storyline of the day with the WFWF anymore do you?
He laughs again while answering.
Alex Sean: I didn’t pay attention to them when I was there on the roster. I certainly don’t now.
I guess he wants to forget getting stabbed by a spear from Native American EBR. I can’t blame him there. He got punked.
Kyzer: Then you should know you are pretty much the only left in the Kyzer camp. Bridges have been burned with just about everyone.
He doesn’t seem surprised.
Alex Sean: It was bound to happen eventually. You still got Drakz with you right?
He really doesn’t pay attention.
Kyzer: Nope. That bridge got burnt when I broke his back.
Now he seems surprised.
I have never made any excuses for the type of person I am. I don’t expect people to like me. I go out of my way to antagonize them. I am a high grade heady called Douchebag. Drakz was always the guy that never got burned. Can’t say that anymore.
Kyzer: There were reasons for it that I don’t care to discuss at the moment.
Alex Sean: You got to do what you got to do. I have done that.
A kindred spirit.
Kyzer: Well I am about to set fire to a bunch more things than bridges here in a few days.
Alex Sean: I am going to take a wild guess and say that you just disappeared months and months ago and now it is your return?
He knows me so well. This is what a best friend is like, Drakz.
Kyzer: More or less. And there is going to be more than just Drakz that is going to be mad about my impending return.
Alex Sean: I don’t think anyone would expect less from you.
He is right. I have a legend to live up to. I have a myth that I have to give credibility to, something that I don’t think my last run did enough. I have to put down some foundation. I have lived off the myth and legend too long. I have gotten complacent and slack. That is how I got beat by Schneider. Who would have thought that the Megalomaniac would fall because of over confidence? Oldest story out there.
Kyzer: I could walk in there in a few days, do what I am going to do, and then find myself at the head of the line. I did it when I returned and took the title from EBR right after he beat you. I remember when I started in 2005. I mowed through everyone. I created my reputation, my legend, my myth with blood. I craved up everyone put in front of me. No one looked at me thinking that I was undeserving of my spot. No one saw me as overrated. I backed up everything. Then during The New Epoch era, I just coasted on my legend. I lost because of it.
Alex goes to say something but I hold up a finger to let me continue.
Kyzer: I am going back to the WFWF to finish things with Drakz. But there is more to it than that. I could just go, beat the piss out of him and break him in half again. He deserves so much more than that. He deserves to see himself get swallowed in my shadow until I come to take away everything that is precious to him.
The statue of my dick needs to be bigger than the statue of his.
Kyzer: So I have come up with a strategy that accomplishes that. I have decided that I am going to take a grassroots campaign this go-a-round. I am going to take every hero, every good boy, every angel and I am going to beat them. I am going to pick apart each one until there is nothing but Drakz in front of me. Until Drakz can’t see anything but I cast a shadow over his universe.
I pause to let my words sink in as if I am a great philosopher or something.
Alex Sean: Why are you telling me this and what does this have to do with me?
Well that is deflating. I open up and this is the response. Probably should have expected that.
Alex Sean: I don’t mean to sh~t on what you are telling me or anything. But I don’t keep up with that world anymore; I am not any use to you. I couldn’t even give you advice.
I wasn’t asking for advice. I wouldn’t ask for advice from a guy who got speared literally on television. Who doesn’t run for cover when a white guy comes to the ring in full Native American garb and riding a buffalo while also carrying a war spear? Yep, definitely wasn’t asking for advice.
Kyzer: I wasn’t asking for anything from you.
About to get soft here.
Kyzer: I haven’t exactly been surrounded with company that understands that world in the slightest. I don’t have anyone else that I can talk to about that world.
He doesn’t say anything for a second as if he is in deep thought.
Alex Sean: So you came all the way to Baltimore just to talk to me about wrestling? You could have just called me on the phone.
What the f~ck is wrong with face to face interaction? Why does everyone want to do everything over the phone, via text, via Facebook? Talking face to face is becoming less and less valued.
Kyzer: Because I didn’t want to use up all my minutes.
I wonder if he understands sarcasm. Doubt it.
I look around and notice we are the table with any kind of conversation going on. It is disgusting.
Kyzer: Maybe I have missed have face to face interactions with someone who isn’t a) trying to f~ck me or b) on drugs.
Michael…you are a **** now.
Alex Sean: I guess man, I don’t see the point but it was your dime.
Kyzer: I don’t remember you being this much of a dickhead back in the day.
Alex Sean: I think my brain has gotten rattled around at these jujitsu tournaments I enter.
Of course he turns to the most boring thing on the planet to watch. This was a horrible f~cking idea.
Kyzer: Well I think it is about time for me to get out of here…
Alex Sean: Look if there is one thing I can say to you advice wise, when you return look for one of the rising stars in the company. Somebody with some promise. Then you pick a fight with them, beat them, and get over. That is the strategy used by me and everyone else for years. Normally you get over at their expense and take their spot in the pecking order. You are just looking to level it altogether. Use the rising star as an example. Completely obliterate him as a message to everyone.
That is the only semi-smart thing he has said since sitting down. I already have a better plan in mind but thanks Sean. I stand up and look down at this shell of a man. He may be my only friend left but he is a sad f~cking excuse compared to the man he used to be. This is a warning to me about the future. I will f~cking kill myself before I let that happen though.
Alex Sean might as well be R.I.P.
Kyzer: Well Alex, this has been a near complete waste of time.
As I am walking away…
Alex Sean: Aren’t you going to tip your waitress?
Without stopping or missing a beat…
Kyzer: I don’t tip slam pigs.
The God of F~ck doesn’t tip slam pigs.
But he does clip the wings of angels and crush stone throwing little boys before they can slay the giant. And now he gets the f~ck out of Baltimore.
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Some Bar
Some City
Some Day In The Past
I see the hunger in his eyes. I can appreciate the desire. I never have the same hunger and desire. I honestly don’t even remember how or why I got into wrestling. As long as I can remember I have been doing it and I have been good at it. I am 37 now so I am guessing somewhere in the 20 year range. It has put food on my table and drugs up my nose. But at no point did I ever have this hunger to win titles. When I came into the WFWF I was all about showing people an alternative lifestyle. It was never about titles or fame. But then I just kept winning and winning. The Kyzer Machine’s considerable ego got even bigger.
Kyzer: F~ck.
I didn’t mean to say that out loud.
Guy: Something wrong?
Kyzer: No sorry, I just had a little epiphany.
He shrugs and takes another bite out of his steak. The restaurant he chose is nice. Points. He has some class which is always nice. I get tired of slumming it with junkies all the time. Speaking of junkies, my nose itches.
Kyzer: So like I was saying, I am regretting my current situation where I have pretty destroyed all my alliances in this place. So out with the old friends and in with the new ones.
Guy: And that brought you to me?
Kyzer: Well I wasn’t completely ignorant to what was going on here when I was gone. I had people in the inner workings of this place. Information and knowledge are everything my friend. What I saw of your work, I found impressive.
Guy: So you want a tag team partner?
I take a sip of my drink. I want to give him the illusion that I pondering that and being introspective.
Kyzer: That could be part of it. I am aware that this is probably going to be the last leg of my career. It is my last chance to secure my legacy. There is nothing better in doing that than have a successful protégé.
Guy: I am going to be successful no matter what.
No doubt.
Guy: Is this because you are afraid of Drakz?
I can’t stop myself from bursting out into laughter. I calm myself a moment later.
Guy: Are you scared that DMK is going to come after you? Word around the locker room is that he wants your blood.
Kyzer: I have known DMK longer than anyone outside of his family. Everything he has, everything he is, is because of me. I saved him. He can remember the past or try and twist things any which way he wants but he isn’t changing the truth. That said, if he wants blood, he can come and try to get it. As far as I am concerned, he is doing his own thing that has nothing to do with me. I have no qualms about violence towards midgets on a general level though.
I would f~ck DMK up. I’ll kick the Dragon’s teeth down his throat too.
Guy: I am not going to lie to you. I took the dinner because I definitely wanted to see Michael Kyzer up close and personal. But I am not sure I am looking to change when I stand amongst the ranks. Shouldn’t you be getting more ready for your match with Kirkbride instead of wining and dining me? Haven’t you been away for a couple of years now?
Just because I wasn’t in the WFWF doesn’t mean I wasn’t in a ring somewhere. I take my training very seriously…
No one believes me…
Kyzer: Didn’t you lose to Kirkbride?
His expression turns a little sour. Must have hit a nerve there.
Kyzer: I am taking Kirkbride seriously. I am not overlooking him in the slightest. But you also have your training methods and I have mine.
Cocaine and sit-ups.
Guy: If you say so. You are the veteran.
Veteran? That is probably the first time I have been called that and actually taken notice to it. I can appreciate one meaning of the word because I have been around for a while and know my way around a ring but it also implies old. I am not sure how I feel about that.
Kyzer: Daniel is going to be a welcome challenge to me. I am looking at this through different lens than I normally would. I am not disregarding him. In fact I am according him all the respect he deserves up to this point in his career.
I play with the straw in my drink. It stirs a lime through the ice and vodka.
Kyzer: Don’t get it twisted. I am not going to hesitate turn Daniel into Daniella. If he forces me to, I will choke him out with his own vas deferens. I think I would be sad if I have to do that.
I look him in his hungry eyes. He wants stardom. He wants to stand at the top of the mountain. He has ambition.
Kyzer: As much of a fan as I am of you, I wouldn’t hesitate to do the same to you if I have to. You learn a long time ago to throw away your conscience in this business. You have to f~ck people over from time to time to get ahead. You have to do things you didn’t think you were capable of in order to win the big one. One of my defining moments was my first fight with God. I won, of course. I know Kirkbride isn’t Reverend Shadow. They are two different animals with the same inherent weakness. And as long as they have that weakness, they will never win. It is a tragedy really, to blindly follow insanity.
I might actually cry when I kill Daniel. He is going to die a virgin.
Guy: You are something different than the stories.
Kyzer: Most of those stories are lies.
I am the one who started them.
Kyzer: Look if you change your mind, let me know. The offer stands. I am sure we will cross paths again.
I stand up from the table as he is in the middle of chewing.
Kyzer: I need to be taking my leave now.
He quickly swallows as I turn to leave.
Guy: Aren’t you paying?
Kyzer: I don’t pay tabs.
The God of F~ck don’t pay restaurant tabs.
He did get me thinking about one thing. I haven’t wrestled in the WFWF in 2 or 3 years. I can’t let Daniel get to second base on my first date since being back out there.
F~cking Kirkbride…the exact opposite of me…so lame…
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I am intrigued by you.
Your religion…
Your associations…
Your performances…
Your values…
Dedication.
That is all it takes to be a good Christian. It just takes being dedicated to God, to the Church, to being morally sound, to the commandments, to the Bible.
It only takes one thing to be Daniel Kirkbride.
Dedication to something that isn’t real. Something that is a fabrication by man to describe the unexplainable years ago.
I admire you.
I admire how you stand up for what you believe in. You stand strong in your faith when you face the Goliath’s of your life. You put everything into it. That’s heart.
I am pretty sure that was the sh~ttiest of the rings that summoned Captain Planet.
Daniel, I want to throw something out at you.
David Brennan took you under his wing. He acted as a mentor while you tried to save him.
You hooked up with wrong member of the Epoch. Brennan is a washout and always has been. Nothing will ever change there. It is sad because I had high hopes for him. Now who knows where he is.
But there is hope.
Come let me mentor you. Let me show you the advantages of the Dark Side. We can be Sith Lords. There are always two. I can show you things that would open up your eyes to the world.
No longer would you live with blinders on. You will see the world in all of its non-judgmental beauty. No buying the latest Joel Osteen book or making sure you are part of the next cult mega church. You can even finally understand what they are saying in all those three six mafia songs about getting head.
I am offering you a new way of life. A new start, everyone needs a fresh start sometimes.
Let me help you get a second chance at living life. Let me help you lose your virginity. I know a couple of hot Thai sl~ts.
Daniel Kirkbride, you have all the potential in the world. Everyone witnessed it when you nearly took down the Shell of Cray. But you need something to get you over that small hurdle. I can do that.
I can offer you help…
I can offer you another chances…
Join me…
Be my Sith apprentice…
Darth Kurgan…
It has a nice ring…
I can offer you Salvation…
Salvation…
from boredom…
from judgement…
from oppression…
from living in a f~cking bubble…
I know I am everything that you probably despise in the world. I am rude, insensitive, vulgar, immoral, hedonistic, deceitful, and egomaniacal. But I am also free, happy, and uninhibited by the judgement of some imaginary figure in the sky.
I can embrace any whim, any desire.
If I see a hot woman, I can f~ck her…if she obliges. Rape is wrong.
My point is I am not restricted by some bullsh~t that decides whether or not you are a ‘good boy’ or a ‘bad boy’.
I offer happiness.
When was the last day you struggled? I can’t remember mine.
When was the last time you were unhappy? I can’t remember mine.
Daniel…Daniel…Daniel…
So much potential in you
And I feel like it is all being wasted.
This is my last attempt to cement my legacy as the greatest ever. I will overshadow everyone. But with what I can teach you, young Daniel, your legacy can surpass mine own.
But it won’t happen while you fight with handcuffs on.
Let me free you.
Let me be your Messiah.
Worship me.
Because I don’t want to kill you.
And I will if I have to...
